Chapter Eleven
“Don't waste your love on somebody who doesn't value it.”
William Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
“You didn’t even call yesterday,” Isadora snapped, standing in Sawyer’s kitchen the following Monday.
Avoiding eye contact, he nosed through the fridge like a man searching for an escape hatch. “I didn’t know what to say.”
Her arms folded over her chest as her eyes narrowed. “Yes, we’ve already established certain words are too difficult for you.”
He sighed and shut the refrigerator door. When he finally looked at her his eyes wore lines of stress, pinched at the corners and full of regret.
Crossing the kitchen, he placed his hands on her shoulders, placating her a small degree. “What is it you want me to say, bella?”
She pursed her lips. He knew exactly what she needed to hear.
Releasing her shoulders with a long exhalation, he dropped his arms. “You know I care very deeply for you.”
But she didn’t know if that was enough. The question remained, was that his problem or hers? Right now it seemed to belong to both of them.
“I’ve always been upfront with you, bella. I’ve never wanted to mislead you. Ever.”
“I know that.”
But she didn’t expect to fall in love with him. She hadn’t prepared for all of these feelings or the sense of inadequacy that came when such feelings weren’t openly reciprocated. Was she that difficult to love?
His fingers massaged the tension lines from his brow. “Then why are we arguing?”
A sense of hopelessness enveloped her and she slid into a kitchen chair, feeling utterly defeated. What good were sentimental words when they had to be badgered out of someone?
“When you saw me dancing with that man, didn’t it tell you anything? I saw you watching me. You had this look of anguish—”
“If you want me to say I’m above jealousy, I can’t. I know I’m not. That’s part of the problem.”
“Why does there have to be a problem?”
He sat across from her and took her hands, squeezing tightly. “You said you’re tired of lying, and you don’t want to hide anything from me. I don’t want that either. I’ve always wanted absolute honesty between us, regardless of what the rest of the world knows. But I will not let you put all the blame on my shoulders for the falsehoods that separate us, Isadora.”
Other than not confessing her love right away, she couldn’t think of anything else she’d concealed from him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That’s because you’re not just lying to me. You’re fooling yourself.”
“How?”
He gave a sad smile. “Tell me you want children someday. Let me hear you admit it.”
She frowned. “What does that have to do with—”
“Please. I need to hear you admit the truth out loud.”
“I…” Was that the truth? “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, Sawyer, I don’t.” Her voice turned pleading, conveying her honest difficulty when it came to such life altering decisions. “I enjoy children, but not all women get to have a family.”
“Let’s live in a world where you get whatever you want for a moment. Do you want a family?”
She shut her eyes, knowing the truth in her heart and knowing that path didn’t include him. It included a mysterious man she’d yet to meet—might never meet. “I don’t need—”
“What do you want, Isadora? This isn’t about necessity or settling. I’m asking you a simple question and there’s a simple answer.”
“I want you.” Her voice was small, the expectation of him being a part of her everyday life woven into her bones.
“Sweetheart, Slade’s the only child I’ll ever have in this lifetime.”
“Because you can’t have anymore?” There were other options.
“Because I’m done. I want to travel and retire, knowing all my obligations have been met.”
A wash of fantasies seemed to fade away. Little girl dreams made of dollies and tea parties bled off the canvas of her mind so a new dream could take shape, one that included him, and better matched her reality. There was less disappointment when she worked with what she had rather than hoping for things she might never possess.
Her surrender covered her like a cool blanket, unfamiliar but with the promise that it would warm over time. “Then I don’t want children.”
His chair shoved back from the table and he stood, startling her. Tension flowed from his body in waves as he paced away.
When he faced her again, his eyes were cold and accusing. “Don’t come into my house and lie to me. If you want to have an honest conversation, have the courage to tell the truth, Isadora,” he snapped.
Taken aback by his abrupt mood change and sharp tone, she blinked up at him. “I’m not lying!”
“Yes, you are! Not just to me, but to yourself!”
“I’m trying to compromise—”
“ Enough compromising! Everything in your life has been a tradeoff! You’re forever putting others before yourself. Isn’t there a single selfish bone in your body?”
“Why are you so angry?” she shouted, matching his volume.
“Because I don’t want you to settle, goddamn it! Don’t you get it? I’m trying to do the right thing here. Eventually, you need to start thinking about your future, planning for it, but you make it impossible for me to be a gentleman about it. Do I have to be cruel to get you to understand?”
Where was all of this coming from? “I’m not trying to be ignorant and I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Then help me get through to you. What we have is over . It has to end or you’ll never find what you actually want in life. You’re losing time and I’m stealing it from you.”
Adrenaline crashed and spiked high, shooting a sharp knife of shock through her system. Over?
“What are you saying?” she rasped.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. This was not how this conversation was meant to go. Couples disagreed, even those carrying on in secret.
Arguments could be constructive at times, clear the air for better communication, but he was just giving up. They were supposed to have a fight, not throw everything away.
Her chin trembled as she sat before him, her vision blurring with unshed tears. He was throwing her away. Her mouth opened, a plea resting on her tongue, but she snapped her lips shut, swallowing it back.
She was turning into her mother. Just as Lucian couldn’t avoid mimicking their father, she was repeating her mother’s worst mistakes, and getting a taste of the pain her mother lived with every day of her miserable married life.
A gaping hole stretched in her chest as if put there by unexpected cannon fire. This morning she woke up believing he’d always want her. Now … she didn’t know what to believe.
Lowering her gaze to the table, she whispered, “I suppose it’s cruel no matter what.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Isadora—”
“Then don’t.”
“I’m doing this because I care about you.”
Well, he certainly had a nasty way of showing it. He’d never been anything but delicate with her and to have him suddenly screaming that they were over was a pain she couldn’t quite process.
“May I have a tissue, please?”
He disappeared into the den and returned with a box. She pulled a couple of sheets out and mopped up her tears. He returned to the chair next to her and gently turned her face.
The tissues left her hands and he took over blotting her cheeks, voice returning to its usual gentleness. “Don’t cry, bella. Please, don’t cry. Not because of me.”
She sniffled and looked into his familiar eyes. The pain expanded, unfurling lengthy fears she couldn’t stomach.
“I don’t know how to live without you, Sawyer. I need you in my life. We can’t be over.”
“I’ll always be in your life, Isadora. But we can’t go on this way.”
She sucked in an uneven breath as more tears fell. He acted like they were miserable when she knew they were happy. Why did they have to change anything? She couldn’t stop the desperate loop of questions running through her head, her only instinct to convince him this was a mistake.
Her heart quaked with a sense of helplessness. Why? She didn’t want this. Her chest physically ached because he was literally breaking it into pieces.
She pressed her hand to her heart in an attempt to ease the pressure. “This hurts.”
His brow pinched and he pulled her onto his lap. “Come here.”
His arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly. Safe. His arms had always been the safest place she could escape to when she needed a place to run.
“This was never supposed to be permanent, bella.”
That was a lie. It was never supposed to be serious. No one said it couldn’t last.
Maybe if he stepped back he’d see what they had wasn’t so bad. What they shared worked. It made sense for the both of them. Why try to correct something that wasn’t broken? Or maybe he saw something she didn’t.
“Did I do something wrong?” She could fix it.
“No, sweetheart, no.” Easing back, he turned her chin so he could look into her eyes. “Do you know, you’re my closest friend in the whole world? I would trust you with my life, Isadora. This is going to be hard on both of us, but we cannot keep pretending what we have is any sort of substitute for what you truly deserve.
“You’ve already sacrificed too much in your life. I never want you to make a sacrifice for me. It feels like your loss, but really, I’m the one losing. You are an incredible woman and you are going to find the right man, someone who can give you everything you want, even the things you don’t realize you will want over time.”
She turned her face away. “We’re both losing.”
“This is the only way you’ll ever move on. I never wanted to take advantage of you and if we continued like this, you’ll eventually give up every chance at a better future by default. I’m not worth it. Take my word on that.”
She swallowed tightly, pain constricting her throat. “I think you are.”
“Don’t compromise your happiness, bella. Not for me or anyone else.”
She couldn’t believe this was happening. Every time she looked into his eyes she was assaulted by his resolve, his determination to stand his ground, and her heart shattered. She understood his reasoning, worse, she understood this was a way of expressing his love for her, but the pain was hers.
Fearful of the next step, she leaned forward and cupped her hands to either side of his face, pressing her lips to his as she wept. He tensed and the ache in her chest grew.
“Kiss me, Sawyer. You kiss me or I will never be able to put myself together again.”
His arms closed around her as his shoulders relaxed and he slowly kissed her back.
“I love you,” she confessed in a broken whisper against his lips. “You can take all of this away from me, but you can’t touch what I feel. You can’t change it. This is ours, but that is mine. Time and distance won’t diminish what I feel.”
His arms tightened and his lips aggressively captured hers in a kiss that seemed misplaced in the midst of such a devastating conversation. His hands were possessive, his desire evident.
There was a brief moment he tried to pull back but in the end, even he lacked the will. His inner battle was palpable and, as much as she wanted him to keep kissing and touching her, she couldn’t bear the thought of being something he fought to avoid.
She was not a sin, a secret, or a vice. She was an innocent woman who had somehow been mislabeled as a source of her lover’s shame. The realization finished off the last of her heart, tearing the frayed threads into useless scraps.
Forcing herself to pull back, she looked into his eyes, which were glassy and pink rimmed. Love . He loved her, but would never admit it. Her gaze broke away.
She didn’t need the words, but she might never stop wanting them. The longer their relationship went on, the more excruciating his silence would become.
What was the point of living if you were determined to quit the one thing that brought you joy? A long silence expanded between them, their different views announced with every quiet second until she was incapable of looking him in the eye. Too much pain hidden his. Too much resentment likely showing in hers.
Accepting it was time for her to go, a strangled sound smothered in her throat. All she had to do was stand up and go, but she couldn’t find the strength.
Her rattled dignity screamed at her to make some sort of dramatic exit, chin held high, maybe slam a door or two. Leave him before he could truly leave her.
But she couldn’t move. Parting would truly mark the end of them.
“I’m afraid to go,” she rasped.
“We’ll still see each other on occasion. And you can call if you need anything. You know I’ll always be there for you, bella. If there’s ever an emergency or something you can’t do on your own…”
She could do anything alone. Though having someone at her side made even the most unpleasant tasks tolerable, she didn’t need anyone but herself to survive.
Exhausted and dreading the days that would follow, knowing she wouldn’t let herself reach out to him unless there was truly an emergency only he could fix, she knew she wouldn’t contact him. She could not bear seeing him if she couldn’t actually have him.
It was time. Using her hands to sustain her balance, she stood on shaky legs, every inch of distance seeming to scrape another layer off her tender heart. “I have to go.”
Collecting her things filled her with the strange anxiety of forgetting something. It was as if her soul knew she was leaving a piece of her behind, the piece of her heart Sawyer would always own.
Once she had the few items she kept there—a book, her slippers—he walked her to the door. She looked up at him, noting the way his mouth curved down and his laugh lines extended his frown.
He handed her the box of her belongings and she hugged them to her chest. Did she just leave now?
He sighed. “Come here, sweetheart.”
Her face pinched as she shoved the box aside and leaned into his arms. His lips resting on her temple. She needed this last embrace.
One. Last. Time.
He buried his face in her hair and squeezed her tight. His voice was soft as he whispered in her ear, “One day you’ll fall in love with the right man and you’ll know what I’m talking about. It will be so powerful, so epic, this will seem like a child’s sketch next to a Monet.”
Everything inside of her argued that wasn’t true. She could only see herself with him or alone. No one could ever take his place.
Their relationship, with all its faults, was right for them. Right for her. Until now.
She didn’t say a word. Holding her composure by an unraveling thread, she slowly let him go. This was it, whether he realized that or not. She would not let herself contact him again and she doubted he’d call her.
“Goodbye, Sawyer.” The thinnest shred of dignity guided her out the door.
I’ll always love you…