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Maria

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THE SCENT OF GRILLING meat and deep fried everything suddenly turns my stomach. Luther is screaming at one of the cooks, and I half double over as I head for the bathroom, not sure if I’m going to make it in time.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Jeanette, the other waitress on my shift, sings after me. She’s not sorry. I could see in her face how not sorry she was. “I mean, you’ve only known him a few days, right? Better to know now before that smooth talker gets his hooks into you. He just texted me last night, looking to try and hook up. Of course, I gave him the brush-off. I knew he was with you, and I would never do that to you, honey. But, he’s been after me since high school, and boys will be boys, I guess.”

I slam the door behind me, drowning out her voice, then grip the cool porcelain of the sink and stare into the mirror, breath heaving, trying to calm my stomach. I do not want to throw up right now.

It’s a sign. First Dad calls with the news about my scholarship, and at the time, I wasn’t sure what to do. He said he’d fax in the paperwork, but that I should think about my future. The only reason I hesitated was because of Ranger. But now this?

Could I have really been this stupid?

Smooth-talking cowboy. I was such an easy mark. I slipped right into it with him like apparently so many that came before me, if what Jeanette says is to be believed.

God, I even asked if I could keep a toothbrush there.

As I look in the mirror, my eyes stare back with a sadness that reminds me of when my mother died.

It’s grief. Loss. For something that was never even real in the first place.

The door opens behind me, and I see Jeanette’s mess of burgundy hair piled on top of her head. Then that smile. The same one that broke over her face when she told me that Ranger Stoddard makes tally marks on the back of his saddle for every girl he ropes in and lets loose.

Those tally marks. I double over the toilet bowl, but I manage to hold back.

“I just thought...you know, woman-to-woman, you should know. I hate to see you be made a fool of. I like you.” She snaps her gum, checking her nails as she leans a shoulder against the wall behind me. “He likes new girls best. He’s run out of anyone in this town that doesn’t know his reputation. So, don’t feel so bad. He’s so good. Trust me, plenty of girls in this town can tell you stories. I fell for it too. Enough to know all about that birthmark on him. You know the one, right? Right butt cheek.”

The way she says the last words tightens my stomach even more. Sweat beads on my forehead, and I fight the urge to turn and run. He’s due to be here for our daily dinner routine in a few minutes, and my mind is racing, trying to figure out how to get out of this with my dignity intact.

My salvation is the scholarship. My only salvation. When Dad called and told me the envelope arrived, I told him to open it. For the first time in my life, my education and goals about my PhD had made me feel conflicted. I’ve been so laser focused for so long, nothing ever swayed me from the thought that I would, in fact, go back to Bozeman and finish what I started. But when my father read me the words I’d waited so long to hear... Congratulations, Ms. McGowan... My heart sank.

Now, standing here in the bathroom with Jeanette, I know I must have temporarily lost my mind. I let myself get caught up in this whole country life. The fresh air. The relaxed atmosphere. The smooth cowboy with the black hat and the kiss that temporarily blinded me to reality. It was all just a mirage. I was ready to turn down the scholarship. Asking myself if I really need another degree. Convinced that it would never fill the constant void inside of me, the one that’s nearly disappeared since I’ve met Ranger.

Jeanette snaps her gum, and I fight back the sickness growing in my belly.

“So—” She starts, and I spin and head for the door without a word.

Any doubt I had about taking my scholarship and staying here is gone. A tiny chirp in the back of my head tells me I should talk to Ranger, but the bigger part knows there’s a reason he didn’t want to talk about those notches in his saddle. And how else could she know about his birthmark? It’s too intimate to be seen any other way.

Stomping out the bathroom door, armed with nothing more than my willingness to keep walking and never look back, I run smack into the one person I was hoping not to see. Hoping that the gods would have mercy on me and let him be late.

For once.

“Whoa there, Little Bit.”

Tears immediately spring and burn my eyes. I’m furious at the emotion. How did I fall so far so fast?

“Let me go!” I wrench my body away from Ranger and manage to get out the front door of the diner, away from prying eyes and ears, before he’s on me.

This time, he’s got me by the shoulders, and before I can smack him away, those arms that have held me and made me feel safe tuck me into his chest. His scent immediately tightens my core, sending desire flooding through me, but it only makes me angrier now that I know the truth.

“Never.” His deep voice rumbles with that calm confidence I once found irresistible.

“You can’t hold me here! I have rights.” I squirm and twist, but his arms only tighten.

“Just tell me what the hell is going on.”

Before I can decide if I can get the words out without breaking into sobs, Luther’s voice comes from behind me.

“Get that ass back inside, or you’re fired, sweet cheeks.”

Ranger turns us both as he grips me tighter into him.

“I told you once, do not talk to her like that. Now, you get your ass back inside.” Ranger’s voice rumbles, the words clear and slow. I can sense a tension in his body I’ve not felt before, something new and frightening. Or frightened.

“You think your shit don’t stink, Stoddard? You come in here every night making me give that little smartass special treatment. Getting her dinner served to her like she’s the fucking princess and the—”

Before I take another breath, Ranger lets me go. In five strides, he’s squared off with Luther, and I swear he’s grown a few inches. I could take my moment and flee, but I’m too transfixed to move an inch.

“You have exactly two fucking seconds to apologize to her, then exactly two more seconds to get your ass back through that door.”

“Apologize? Fuck you.” Luther steps back, then leans and points toward me. “I knew I shouldn’t have hired her. Little smartass, correcting the way I do business, thinking she’s gonna walk in here and tell me how to run my place.”

As I listen to him talk, I feel tears welling in my eyes. I want to say, No, I didn’t mean to interfere. I thought I was helping. I start to speak, but my voice is too quiet to be heard, and Ranger jumps to my defense.

“Your two seconds are up.”

“I don’t need you to do this!” I yell, my anger and frustration welling up.

Luther opens his mouth for another run at Ranger, but it’s too late. The first blow hits him on the left side of his jaw. His eyes pop, and he stumbles back. Ranger’s fists are balled at his sides, but he makes no move forward, giving Luther a moment to adjust to what’s just hit him. I sense that even now, Ranger doesn’t want this to go any further than it has to.

But this is clearly not Luther’s smartest day. He puffs up his chest and steps into Ranger’s airspace again with a fist aimed at Ranger’s gut.

In a blink, Ranger jumps easily away from Luther’s strike, and then with a half turn, he’s behind him, his long arm swinging in an arc. But instead of landing another punch, he’s got him in a choke hold.

“Apologize.” Ranger’s voice is calm. He is calm. Matter-of-fact.

“For what? This is my place—” Luther tries to choke out more words, but Ranger tenses his arm around Luther’s throat, cutting off his airway.

Ranger rolls his eyes, more frustrated than angry. “Apologize. This is not difficult.” His eyes light on mine, and all the hurt inside me fights with the draw this cowboy has. When he lifts an eyebrow and winks, I let out an exasperated breath. I have to keep in mind the reason we are out here in the parking lot to begin with...the thing that has left me near tears.

The knot in my stomach tightens, thinking of Jeanette’s words and the line of cut marks in the back of Ranger’s saddle.

“Sorry.” Luther’s survival instincts kick in.

“Not good enough. I’m not feeling it.” Ranger’s eyes are on me, his hold on Luther firm. My more-than-likely-former boss’s hands clench around Ranger’s forearm, but it seems like a child fighting with a grown man. There’s no contest here, and Luther knows it.

“I’m sorry, Maria. I. Am.” He grunts the last words before Ranger releases him with a shove, and Luther stumbles forward on a gasp.

Ranger growls. “Get inside. I’ll tell you if she’s still working here or not in a bit. You best make sure her shift is covered for the moment. Now, if you are not back inside in another two seconds, we can start this all over again.” He brushes some invisible filth off the front of his black T-shirt, but his eyes never leave me.

I barely notice as Luther slinks back through the door of the diner.

“You think you make the decisions? For me? I told you that day we met you were bossy...and more than that. I also knew you were too smooth for your own good. I should have listened to my instincts that day. It would have saved some time. Would have saved some heartache.” My voice is hard as Ranger’s face tightens in confusion.

He’s back in front of me as I back away, unsure of just where I was heading when I ran out the door of the diner. I’ve got no car, and my cell phone is back at the house. Ranger’s house.

But I’ll get a new one. I just need to be away from him.

I smack my palms into his chest as he gets close, fighting away the tears. Struggling to hold back the memory of how he tastes. The way his mouth felt on me. The way I came calling his name with visions of us riding off into the sunset.

Stupid girl.

“Hey.” His voice is thick with confusion as his hands latch on to my upper arms.

I twist, but he tightens.

“What the hell is going on, Maria?”

My fists bang halfheartedly on his chest, even as I lower my eyes.

“This is just not going to work. You don’t... You can’t...” My mind flips between the potential reasons that I could give—whether to use my scholarship or the revelations from Jeanette.

“You’re right.” I look up, wide-eyed, to see the sadness in his eyes. “And you’re wrong too.” He swallows, takes a long, slow breath, and I see his soul laid bare.

I soften. How could I not? But this is the end for us, it has to be.

“Look,” I start, gathering my courage. “I’m new in town, but it’s a small town. Doesn’t take long for word to get around. I’m not another notch on anyone’s saddle.” The words catch in my throat.

His eyes narrow in question and he lets my arms go, but he brings his hands instead to my cheeks. Suddenly, the tears I’ve been holding back spill over, running down onto his fingers as he swipes them away.

“What are you talking about?”

“The notches. In the back of your saddle. I know what they are now. You’ve had your fun. You got your next notch. Game over, no need to pretend anymore.” Even as I say the words, something in my heart argues that this is not who he is. That I couldn’t have been so wrong. That I know him.

“What’s going on with your PhD?” His voice is contained and cool, and the heat in my face flames. “Your dad called. Couldn’t get ahold of you on your phone. I saw the messages he sent...about your scholarship. About you leaving.”

My heart is beating a mile a minute. I know it’s the right thing, but why does it feel so bad?

“Yes.” I’m breaking inside. “I’m leaving in September.” Until this very moment, I wasn’t sure I could go, but the image that Jeanette painted of him, the way my heart is breaking thinking I could have been so foolish, I want to run.

I want to hurt him the way I’m hurting.

He licks his lips with a slow nod, then looks up at the sky. “Okay, then.” He slips an arm around my shoulder and starts walking us forward.

“Did you not hear a word I said?” I stop before he can corral me any farther forward.

“Every word.” He clears his throat, then continues. “As far as the notches, I’m figuring it’s Jeanette in there that decided to feed you that pig slop. I told you I’d tell you all about them, and I intended to. It’s hard. It’s fucking personal.”

He steps forward, turns and leans against the door of his pickup, hands slipping down into his front pockets.

Seconds tick by like hours as he stares at the ground, kicking a rock in the dirt before he continues. “Until you, Little Bit, the things that mattered most in my life were my horses. The rescue ones. The hard cases that I can turn around are what’s given my life meaning.” He tips his head and grinds the heel of his black boot into the dust, taking a deep breath, and my heart almost breaks. I don’t know what’s so hard for him about this, but I take his hand in mine. Even if it’s over between us, I don’t want him to feel like this. “Until you. But for every one of those beauties that’s come into my life, there are still some I can’t save. Some are too sick. Too hurt. And even with everything I try to do, they still slip away. Those notches? Those are to keep me humble. Every horse I’ve lost is a mark on my saddle, to remind me of how fragile life is. How, no matter how much we try sometimes, we’re not in charge here. I’m not God.”

He steps from the truck, and my stomach flutters as I try to maintain my calm. I’m melting again under his gaze, and I have to cross my arms over my chest just to keep my heart from leaping into his hands.

“And as far as Jeanette?” He shakes his head. “Listen, I’ll never say anything bad about a lady. But she hasn’t been a fan of mine since she asked me to the prom in senior year and I politely declined. Made a big stink about how I’d asked her, when everyone knew I wouldn’t go to a dance. Embarrassed herself and has been trying to do the same to me ever since.”

“Why wouldn’t you go to a dance?”

A sheepish grin spreads over his lips as he reaches down and takes my hands, bringing them up and placing them flat on his chest. His hands sweep down my back, drawing me into him.

“From the time I was a little boy, I don’t know...” His voice trails off. His lips come to rest on my forehead for a long moment before he pulls back and finishes. “I only wanted to ever dance with my wife. Told myself my first dance would be on my wedding day.” He chuckles, shaking his head, and I sense an old embarrassment. I want to hold him, to tell him I understand.

“But...” My mind twists. I so want to believe him, but I don’t want to be taken for a fool. “Then how did she know about that birthmark? You know, that one.”

He snorts. “In second grade, I got into a fight with some boys twice my age at the 4-H fair that summer. Four of them had two girls chased into the back of the hog barn. The biggest one, Brian McMaster, had a crush on one of the girls. Only, she didn’t return his sentiments. So, he and three of his friends decided the way to handle rejection was to dump a bucket of slop on her an hour before she was supposed to go on stage to sing in the talent contest.”

His hands move to the back of my neck, then wind upward into my hair, sending tingling bolts down my back. He closes any space left between us and I feel the thick erection under his jeans push into my belly.

“And?”

“And, I came through the back of the barn, saw him pick up the bucket. His three friends laughing and cuttin’ up, and those two girls crying and huddling in the corner. And let’s just say the girls walked away clean and happy. But Brian and the other three didn’t.”

“That still doesn’t explain how Jeanette knew about your birthmark.”

“Well, see, Brian is Jeanette’s brother. So, that next week, I was showing my filly in the show ring. Standing there in front of the judges, one hand on her lead rope, the other hand holding the lunge whip. Hoping for first place, my heart beating around in my chest like... Well, about like it is right now. And I was a scrawny kid. Skinny, you might say. Took two belts to keep my drawers up most of the time. When, out of the door to the show ring comes Jeanette. Runs up behind me, and in one jerk, pulls down my pants and my boxers right there in front of God and everyone.”

A burst of laughter escapes as he gently tugs my hair. His masculine scent fills my nose. I want to bury myself into him.

“So, the family McMaster and I have some history, Little Bit. It’s all done and dusted as far as I’m concerned, but seems they like the burden of grudges.” Another less gentle tug on my hair sends desire spinning through me. “Now, when it comes to school...”

I swallow hard. “It’s my dream. I’ve been chasing this goal for so long.”

“I get that.” He nods, smiling. “And I want you to have everything in this life you want.”

My heart sinks as I think about being away from him. And although I realize that it’s for my sake, it sinks further at the thought that he wouldn’t put up a fight to have me stay.

“So,” he continues, “if you’re going, I’m going.”

“What? No.” I struggle with the words. “You have a life here. I can’t ask you to leave. This is your home.”

“No. It isn’t. I have a life with you. My home isn’t a place. It’s you.”

His mouth is on mine. Tongue sweeping between my lips, drawing out a moan from somewhere deep inside me.

He drops a hand from my hair, drawing back from our kiss, leaving me breathless. His palm comes down to rub my belly, and my knees turn to Jell-O at the way he looks at me.

“Maria, my life will be better with you than it could ever be here and alone. This is our life. And I’ll take care of everything. You want to finish school? I’ll be there supporting you all the way.”

“But how? What about the farm? My PhD will be over, and you’ll have nothing to come back to.”

He shakes his head. “It’s funny how things work out.” Ranger draws me in for another kiss and holds me there while he explains. “My brother. His name’s Paul. The farm is as much his as it is mine. My mom and dad passed it to me. But he grew up in that house. And, well, he wants to come home, so to speak. He called and wrote me a letter a few days ago... Both on the day I met you. Then I just had another call from him at the house, just as I was heading out to come here. And when I heard his voice this time...” He chuckles. “But then I realized maybe it’s fate. He’s got himself into trouble, nothing too serious, but he needs somewhere to go. He’s here, at the bus station, waiting for me—for us—to go pick him up. Paul will look after the farm for me, and I’ll do my best to take care of what I can from Bozeman. With you.”

My heart soars. “Does he know how to run a farm?”

Ranger laughs. “Not really. I mean, he knows, he was raised here like me. He never was much interested in hard work. But I’ve laid it on the line for him. He’s staying here, he’s working. No arguments. The farmhands will help him out, and your dad will help keep an eye on him. I’ll call his ass every morning at five a.m. Then at noon. Then again at supper to keep him on track. We’ll head back out here once or twice a month when it fits with your schedule, just to check in, but I really think he’s turned over a new leaf.”

“You’ve thought this all through, haven’t you? This is what you want?” I look up into his face with a wry smile, and he grins down.

“I told you, Maria. I’m never letting you go. You’re mine.”