chapter 46
Scarlett
I SIT IN THE BATHTUB, just staring at nothing.
I can’t believe it.
I knew that cop Gilmore was dirty, but I didn’t think he’d hate me so much to want to kidnap me. And Sharon? What the hell? I don’t even know what to think.
And Demon.
I can’t even think about him without sobbing; he didn’t deserve to die. I flashback to us eating dessert together, us sharing and then ordering more. His smile. The way he loved Jaxon. The very first time I met him, where he was sent to keep an eye on me, but the two of us kind of bonded. I felt comfortable around him. I trusted him, even before I knew how close he was with Jaxon.
Demon was a good man, and now, because of me, he’s gone. The person Jaxon loves most in the world is gone, and it’s because of me. Because of my insecurities. I never should’ve left the house. I never should’ve questioned Jaxon’s intentions and reasons for loving me, I just should’ve accepted them.
Now look what has happened.
That bullet was never meant for him. The grim reaper took the wrong man. Another amazing soul taken from us. Jaxon isn’t handling it well. I saw the look in his eye. He struggled losing his sister; it’s not fair he has to lose a best friend too. How much is one man meant to take? The water turns cold, but I don’t bother to add more warmth to it. There’s no warmth in this house tonight, there are only sad memories and ghosts of what could have been. There’s only heartbreak and sadness.
Mourning.
I close my eyes, and silently start to cry.
“Demon,” I whisper his name to myself. “We aren’t going to be okay without you.”
The irony of his name hits me, because there’s no way that man is anything but an angel.
And now he’s in heaven.
I force myself out of the bathtub, and wrap the towel around me. I’m about to walk to the kitchen in my towel when I hear the men talking.
“I paid someone to take care of it,” Arrow says. “A hit man. There’s no blood on our hands.”
“Just on mine,” Jaxon says, but he doesn’t sound sad about it, just that he’s stating a fact.
Arrow ignores his comment. “On any of our hands. The place has been cleaned up, and it’s like we were never there at all. Keep your head down, Jaxon. I know you’re hurting but you need to be smart about this, or his life would have been in vain.”
I sit down on the bed, and let the water droplets drip down my leg without wiping them away. It looks like my body is seeping tears, crying with me.
Feeling my pain.
I don’t know how we’re going to come back from this.
I don’t know how I’m going to make Jaxon happy again.
Why can’t we catch a break? I tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself, because it isn’t going to help anything. I throw my towel on the floor and climb into bed. I get under the sheets and I just lie there. I don’t want to ever move again. Sleep doesn’t come for me, and neither does Jaxon, because he doesn’t come to bed all night. I don’t know what he’s doing out there, and if he wants company or not.
I just do not know how to handle this.
I go to sleep and wake up with a damp pillow.
THE OLD LADIES COME around with flowers and food, and they all try to cheer me up. I appreciate them dropping by, but their hugs make me emotional, and I start to cry. When some of them start to cry too, I realize they’re hurt too. They knew Demon a lot longer than me, he was more theirs than he was mine, so I try and comfort them in return.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell them.
“It’s not your fault, Scarlett,” Faye tells me, stroking my hair. “Don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. It was those fuckers who took you. They did this.”
“I can’t believe he’s gone. You should see Jaxon, he’s walking around like a zombie, and I don’t know what to do, Faye. How do I fix this?” I ask, breaking down in front of her.
“You can’t fix this, honey. He needs to get to a better place, and that’ll take some time. This is not an easy thing for anyone, but even more so for him. You just need to be patient. Let him know you’re there for him, that you have his back, but don’t be overbearing. People grieve in different ways, so find out which way is his, and adapt to that,” she says, speaking to me in a gentle voice..
“I miss him already.”
I don’t know if I mean Demon, Jaxon, or both.
I want things to go back to how they were, before our world was turned upside down. I want Jaxon here, smiling. I want Demon popping by at random moments, smile on his face.
“So do we, babe. So do we,” she murmurs, glancing around at the other women. “This is going to be a hard time for everyone, and we need to all stick together, okay? That’s what a family does. Yeah, we lost one, and what an amazing man he was, but he wouldn’t want us to be miserable forever. He’s probably looking down on us now and giving us shit for all this crying.”
My lip twitches at that. “He never really took anything seriously, did he?”
“No,” Faye says, smirking. “I remember when I first met him, we used to check him out because we all thought he was good-looking, even though we’d never admit it to our men.”
Jaxon walks in while Valentina is talking about the time Demon and she had a food fight, and he sees us sitting there. His expression softens, and then he comes to join us. He sits down in front of me, and pulls my legs onto his lap.
“Will you tell me that story from the start?” he asks her.
Valentina nods, eyes filled with emotion as she starts again.
Sometimes, you just have to start again, even when you don’t want to.
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT makes me feel a little better?” Jaxon says when we’re lying in bed that night. He reaches for me out of nowhere, and I flinch a little, just by reflex. He must feel it, because he stills, and waits a moment before continuing to run his hand up my arm. “You okay?”
“Yes,” I say, taking a deep breath. “I’m fine, sorry, you just caught me off guard.”
“Don’t say sorry,” he murmurs, bringing my fingers to his lips and placing a kiss there.
“What makes you feel better?” I ask him, wanting him to continue with the story, happy that he’s opening up to me.
“The idea that Demon and Olivia are together up there. They were always meant to be together, you know? But it didn’t work out for them. And now, they’re finally reunited.”
“That’s a really nice thought, Jaxon,” I say, resting my head on his chest. “I just wanted to say that I’m here for you, any way I can be. If you want space, I’ll give it to you, or if you want me with you all the time, I’ll be there. I’m so sorry this happened, and I don’t know how we’re going to get to a point where it doesn’t physically hurt to think about him, but if anyone can do it, it’s us.”
“Thank you, baby,” he murmurs, kissing the top of my head. “I just need some time. It just . . . it hurts. So bad. Even if we didn’t see each other often, I always knew he was there, that if I needed him he’d be here, you know? It’s like I’ve lost a part of myself. I just . . .” He takes a deep breath. “He was my family. He was the person who knew me the best. Without him, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“I know who you are, Jaxon,” I tell him. “I know. And I will spend the rest of our lives reminding you. Every day, I’ll remind you of the man I fell in love with.” I place my hand over his heart. “I’d know you anywhere. I’d recognize you in the dark. And I will love you forever.”
He buries his face in the crook of my neck. “I love you so much, Scarlett. Don’t ever think that I don’t. How I’m feeling right now has nothing to do with how much I love you.”
“I know,” I whisper. “You don’t have to worry about that. I know how much you love me. And I know what your mom said on the voice mail isn’t true at all. You didn’t save me because you felt obligated to, you saved me because my soul called to yours, because you felt the connection between us. Because we were meant to be. And Jaxon? Now I’ll save you.”
In this moment, I know we’re going to be okay.
I kiss his forehead and hold him.
I’ll be his strength.
I’ll be anything he needs me to be.