Risk And Reward
By: Rachael Duncan
Chapter 1
A sigh passes my lips as I close my eyes and arch my back. Pleasure starts in my core, working its way up and down my body. Sweat forms on my brow and I moan out in need, desperate to get to the finish line.
“Yes,” I say on a breath as a tingling sensation radiates out from my center, spreading over my whole body. With toes curled, I fist the sheets in one hand as I wait to crash over the edge. It’s a slow, steady buildup, causing my breath to hitch and my head to tilt back. My movements become more hurried and frantic as I chase after the high I know I’ll soon experience.
I focus on the waves rippling through me as I’m consumed by my orgasm and block out the sound of my vibrator. Soon, the free fall stops, as does the constant humming and I’m brought back to reality. I look around the quiet room while on my empty bed—again—and let out a frustrated sigh.
Sitting up, I roll out of bed and walk into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I’m running over to Lydia’s place for lunch later this afternoon. We met while in college and have been friends for several years now. She’s the closest thing I have to a sister.
After I pull up my sandy blonde hair, throw on some mascara, and get dressed, I leave my room and head downstairs. At the bottom of the staircase sits one of my favorite memories encased in a frame on a small table. I pause to stare at it. Nate and I had just started dating and were at a bonfire with all my friends. Looking back, he seems so out of place, especially since he was seven years older, but it was never an issue. I wanted to go, and he wanted to make me happy.
A small smile touches my lips as I stare at the couple I hardly recognize now. Neither of us knew the picture was being taken. With his arm draped over my shoulders and the warm light of the fire hitting our faces, we both gazed at each other like we were the only two people in the world. He thought I hung the moon, and I thought he had the ability to make time stand still.
My smile fades as I set down the picture. I’m not sure why I’m reminiscing about the past. Maybe because I’m going to Lydia’s house in just a bit. She and her husband, Marcus, are the perfect couple and sometimes I’m envious. Don’t get me wrong; I’m beyond happy for her. There was a time I wasn’t sure she’d ever let go of her past hurt and open her heart up to someone else. But seeing them together makes the deficiencies in my own relationship glaringly obvious.
My phone rings, startling me from my thoughts. Pulling it out of my back pocket, I see Nate’s name flash across the screen.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hey, my love, I’m not going to be home tonight. I have to stay one more night here and I’ll fly home tomorrow, okay?”
I should be used to this. Ever since he took the position as assistant athletic director at the university, our lives have been this way. Still, it doesn’t ease the dread that encompasses me when he calls me while he’s out of town, or the disappointment that settles in every time I have to spend another night at home alone. But, I do what I’ve always done. I put on a smile and say, “Okay, no problem.”
“What’s on your agenda for the day?” he asks me.
“I’m about to go to—”
“Yeah, I’ll call him back now,” I hear Nate say to someone in the background, cutting me off in the process.
My fake smile from moments ago turns into a thin line as I press my lips together. Like normal, he’s not even listening to a thing I say.
“I hate to cut this short, but I’ve got to run,” he tells me.
“Okay.”
“Love you. Bye.” He doesn’t wait for a response before hanging up.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath to quiet the anger simmering inside of me. It’s not him being away that upsets me. Travel is a part of his job. I knew that going in. It’s his lack of attention and presence even when he is here.
My head rolls back from side to side as I attempt to push away the frustrations building inside. Lydia always notices when I’m in an off mood. She’s not as easy to convince as our other two friends, Paige and Scarlett, and sees through the forced smile. Sometimes I can’t stand it. It’s easier to believe the lie yourself when you have those around you convinced. So on the drive to her house, I focus on the picture at the bottom of the stairs and pretend I’m still that twenty-one-year-old, love-struck girl who had a guy that made me the center of his world.
***
“Hey! How’s the mom-to-be feeling today?” I ask as I give Lydia a big hug.
She lets out a huff of air when we release each other. “Tired. I’m ready for this to be over and for the baby to be here already.”
A small chuckle escapes before I say, “You’re only in your second trimester.”
Her shoulders slump forward. “Don’t remind me.”
We walk through the foyer and into the kitchen. She has a seat on one of the barstools, so I sit next to her. She turns to me and looks around as if she’s trying to solve a riddle. “Did you bring food?” she asks.
“Your favorite.” I reach into my bag and pull out some fried pickles.
She snatches the bag from my hands before I have a second to set them down, causing me to laugh again. “Have I mentioned how much I love you?” she mumbles around a mouthful of food.
“Maybe a time or two.” I shake my head at her in amusement. You’d think she hadn’t eaten in a week with the way she’s inhaling them.
“Hey, how’s it going, Charlotte?” Marcus asks as he enters the room. With his tall, broad frame, light brown hair, and hazel eyes, he’s a very attractive man. Add in his sense of humor and it’s easy to see why Lydia fell for him.
“Good,” I respond.
He walks past me and leans down to give Lydia a kiss. When he pulls back, they’re caught in this moment and I feel like a voyeur. They stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. She has a small smile on her lips while he strokes her cheek with his thumb.
“I’m going to run to the gym, do you need anything?” he asks her.
She shakes her head. “No, I’m good. Charlotte brought food.”
He grins. “I see. Okay, I’ll be back in a few then. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He leans down again to kiss her goodbye with his hand on her stomach before he leaves.
And there it is.
The jealousy within is clawing at my insides, threatening to crack the small smile I have firmly in place as I watch their exchange. I am happy for her, but can’t help wanting that for my own life. To have my husband look at me the way Marcus does her. To start a family with the one I love.
“You okay?” Lydia asks me.
I snap back to reality and slip into my happy role. “Of course, I’m fine.”
She tilts her head and arches her brow, and I know yet again she’s calling me out on my bullshit. “You know I’m not buying it, so you might as well spill.”
I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. “It’s nothing really. Nate called and won’t be home until tomorrow.” I shrug. “It’s just the norm.”
“You said you were going to leave him at my reception; that was three months ago. Are you guys trying to work it out?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. He hasn’t been home much, and I’m scared to do it.”
Her eyebrows pull in. “Why?”
“Because once I tell him I want a divorce, there’s no going back. You can’t unring that bell. Plus, a part of me is terrified he’ll be indifferent. What if he doesn’t really care? That would crush me.”
“Who cares what his response might be? You have to do what’s right for you and your happiness.” I sit in silence and absorb her words. “Do you love him?”
Her question catches me off guard for a moment. “I think I’ll always love him regardless of what happens in the future. But if it’s not reciprocated, what’s the point in staying?”
“What about a separation or counseling?” she asks.
“Half the time I feel like we are already separated, and there’s no way he’d go for counseling.”
She gives me a sad smile and places her hand over mine. “I wish I had some advice for you, but you have to figure this one out for yourself. Just know that I’m always here for you, okay?”
“I know.”
And that’s the end of it. We move on to lighter topics, leaving this one behind, but it’s in the back of my mind taunting me. Because I know eventually, I’ll have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life, and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.