Chapter Twenty-Nine
Charlie
Everything was muted and dull without Joe around. At work, I sat at my desk, clearing up yet more paperwork, waiting on a new case and a new partner. Brie and Tom weren’t coming back. In fact, my entire life felt like it was on hold. My place was under construction, my friends nonexistent with Brie gone, my work at a standstill, so all I had was time—time to think about how much of a coward I’d been. And time to miss Joe. The worst part or the best part—I guess it depended on your perspective—was that I missed the little things the most. The slow way he said “darling,” the way he always had a ready smile, and the way his face lit up during the chase. And of course the sex...he’d turned me into some kind of sex addict and I wanted more. Having lived twenty-eight years not knowing that kind of mind-blowing sex existed, I was far from done.
Leaving him had been the right thing to do, yet my heart didn’t agree. It protested, and called me twenty kinds of fool for leaving him...a man who loved me. I even missed the bikers I’d gotten to know... Thorn, Zero and even that sourpuss Delta. Elle’s dismissal played on repeat in my mind.
Yet when I’d seen him, I hadn’t said what I felt, I’d played it cool—the yellow streak was wide down my back. But after he told me he loved me, and I said nothing, how could I come back from that? I couldn’t.
Instead I sat here regretting my choices and wishing for another chance with him. Leaving him was supposed to make me feel better, make me feel safe. I never wanted to feel the fear I had the night at the Brotherhood party. But instead of feeling safe, I was just a new kind of scared. The I’ve-fucked-up-with-the-man-I-love kind of scared.
My phone rang. Danvers’s name appeared on the screen.
“Got a case, Captain?”
“Not exactly. Have you been listening to the radio?”
“Nope, sloshing through the pile of paperwork. Is something up?” Tension balled in the pit of my stomach. Had my brother been hurt?
“Joe is fine. He’s in surgery at OU but—”
“I’m on the way.” I hung up. What if he died? People died all the time in hospitals. He couldn’t die without me telling him I loved him. I rushed to the hospital, lights and sirens whirring.
Joe, be fine. Be alive. I’m on the way. I love you.
I parked and ran into the ER, Danvers stopped me before I made it to the front desk.
“Calm down.”
I must be showing the panic I felt.
“Let’s go up to the surgery waiting room. I called Jericho, it’ll be a bit before any of them arrive.”
I hadn’t thought about them. How would I face them after I’d left Joe? I’d worry about that later, I just needed him to be okay, to love me still and to forgive me.
“Why did you call the club?” I didn’t understand Danvers sometimes.
“They’re his family.” He gave me a searching look. “You understand that?”
I did. I sucked in mouthfuls of air, trying to slow my breathing and think. “Tell me what happened.”
“He was shot being an idiot.” Danvers sat and I fell into the seat next to him.
“Where? Why? An idiot?”
“He went after a large bounty and was shot taking down the target and his bodyguard. He’s in surgery getting the damage sewn up.”
I clenched my fists, the nails digging into my palms. “He went alone?”
“Yeah, Delta says he’s gone lone wolf lately. He used to do that when his temper ran wild.” Danvers ran a hand through his hair.
“This is my fault.” I whispered the words.
“It’s Joe’s responsibility.” But he didn’t meet my gaze. “So why did you come running?” Danvers’s words were hard. “You broke it off, right?”
His knee bounced, but his gaze locked with mine, reading me.
I gulped. “That was a mistake... I shouldn’t have done that.”
He steepled his fingers together and assessed me. “What’s changed, Charlie? What’s different from that night you called me, frightened and revolted?”
I bit my lip and looked away. Nothing had changed. Had it? “I miss him... I think I—”
“Back up there. You don’t think anything. You better damn well know.” He didn’t sound supportive. “You can’t string a man like JoJo along, not that you should any man, but not him. You show up by his bed, you better be good with being his woman.”
I put a hand over my mouth, trying to hold in the scream building inside me. “I want to be certain.”
“Nothing is certain.”
There was so much I didn’t know, didn’t understand in his world, how could I be sure?
“I thought you agreed with me.” I didn’t know what else to say to his cold appraisal.
“I supported you and I’m supporting JoJo because you made a choice. I want you to be one hundred percent committed because you might get a second chance, but you’ll never get a third. And he’s too good a man to be hurt again.”
Why was this so hard? Part of me wanted to stay, hold my ground and be that woman for him, but that night echoed in my mind, making doubts appear out of nowhere. I sucked in a breath, knowing what I had to do. “You’ll keep me updated on his condition?”
Danvers sighed, then nodded. I could add him to the list of people I disappointed. “He’s about as different from Jensen as you can find, but that doesn’t mean worse. I’d pick JoJo to watch my back any day.” He hadn’t said instead of Jensen but then he didn’t need to. Truth was I’d pick JoJo too because he’d given me something Jensen never had—acceptance. If I couldn’t give it back then I didn’t deserve him.
“I’m not giving up, but I need to be sure.” I forced myself to stand and walk out of the hospital. Thankfully I escaped before any of his club showed up.
* * *
It had taken a week to work up my courage to call Elle, and she had neither hung up on me nor been very encouraging. I was headed to Barden to have lunch with her at a local diner. She was there for some kind of get-together. I remembered Joe saying everyone gathered on Sundays but I hadn’t realized he’d meant women too.
I arrived at the diner at eleven and picked a table since the sign said Seat Yourself. I crossed over the worn floor and picked a red-and-white-checkered table beside the window. Elle showed up a few minutes later with another woman I didn’t know. I watched both of them walk down the sidewalk in their cuts, pride in each step. They knew where they belonged. I wish I did.
“What can I getcha?” The waitress followed my gaze to the two women. “Don’t let the biker vests scare ya, those Brotherhood members are good people.”
I smiled up at her. “I know. I’m friends with JoJo.”
She winked. “Now that boy can eat.”
“How about a Coke.”
The waitress walked away as the two women walked toward me. Both beautiful, Elle light with porcelain skin and the other dark with olive skin. Elle stopped at my table.
I stood up and held out my hand.
She glanced at it but didn’t take it. “I brought Trixie with me, she’s Ringer’s wife. Trixie, this is Charlie Pine.”
She sat across from me and Trixie sat next to her.
“I married my man when he was in boot camp. Never thought we’d end up here.” She gave a small laugh. “But I am glad we did. He’d be lost without his brothers.”
The waitress came back and set down my Coke. “What would ya’ll like?” She looked about ten years older than me with hair a brassy blond that came from a bottle.
“Apple pie and coffee.” Elle smiled up at her. “How’s your son? He get into college?”
“Full scholarship.” She beamed. “That boy got his smarts somewhere, but it ain’t from me or his daddy.” She laughed at her own joke.
“Don’t sell yourself short.” Trixie winked at the lady. “Give me some lemon meringue.”
“You two saving up for the shindig out at the club.”
“You know it.” Trixie patted her belly. “Gotta stay in shape.”
“I wish I had your shape.” She patted her wider backside. “Not that my man complains. And pie for you too?” She looked to me.
“Sure, whatever you like best.”
“That’ll be the coconut cream.”
“Sounds perfect.” I glanced at the two women across from me. Elle was different here than in the city. Softer. Friendlier.
“You spend much time in Barden?” I asked her.
“Quite a bit, actually. Rebel’s part of the club leadership.” She lifted a shoulder. “That means time here.”
“Me too, though we live in the country, about halfway between here and Ardmore.” Trixie nodded. “When you wear the cut, you represent all the club. And that means knowing people in town, helping out...lots of things really.”
“So why are we here?” Elle narrowed her gaze on me. “I thought you already made your decision.” Her cold voice told me what she thought of the decision.
“No.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I ran away, fast as I could.”
Both women’s eyes widened in surprise.
“I want to make a decision now.”
“Seems JoJo should be sittin’ here,” Trixie added.
“That’s step two.” I leaned forward. “I need to know more about the club, the lifestyle, and if it’s for me.”
They stared at me.
“I don’t want to go to Joe with the doubts I have now. I need more information.”
“So ask, that’s why we’re here.”
“Were either of you outside at that last party? The one...”
“The one you ran out into, then freaked out and ran away to the FBI, where we had to save your ass.” Elle cocked an eyebrow.
“Yeah, that one.” True, I’d made a mistake, a big one, but I wasn’t taking this attitude. “Look, I see this was a mistake. I’ll just ask JoJo and hope I don’t hurt him again trying to figure this shit out.” I scooted my chair back and grabbed my bag.
“Stay.” Trixie leaned forward. “Elle’s done being bitchy. Right, Elle?”
Elle blew out a breath. “Yeah. I’m done.”
The waitress set down a big tray with the pie and drinks balanced on it, then handed out everything. “You enjoy that pie.” Then she moved away, stopping to talk with each table.
Everyone really did know each other here.
“I was at the party. I enjoy the games that bothered you.” Elle jutted her chin in challenge.
I’d have lost that bet. I glanced to Trixie.
“I don’t even go, not my thing, at all. My guy puts in an appearance and then comes home to me.” She grinned. “He never strays, I’d gut him if he did.”
“That’s why I brought her, a more balanced perspective.”
“What does JoJo do?” The words were out before I thought about it. “No, never mind. I will ask him that.”
Trixie ate a bite of pie. “I don’t know where JoJo fits in this, but the guys are split on the whole sex thing—I mean the kinkier stuff. The club’s first two businesses were a sex club and porn studio, so it makes sense that sex is wild and different here.”
I hadn’t considered that.
“My man, Jericho, Bear, Viper—they’re all Doms and Masters. You know what that is? Because I didn’t.” Elle narrowed her gaze on me.
The information swirled in my brain. I knew roughly what a Dom was and less about Masters. “Explain it.”
“A Dominant is a kind of Master who likes to control others. But a Master can specialize in different sexual practices a club offers.” Elle finished her explanation and dug into her pie.
“Okay, at least that makes more sense. That’s a whole other kind of culture.” At least that’s what Brie had said. She was the one who worked Vice.
“And the other part of the club culture is military—about half the members are former military, most who left under some kind of cloud.” Trixie shook her head. “When my husband was forced out, it was like a light went out until he connected with the club.”
Interesting. The club wasn’t made up of the criminals like lots of one percenters were. Instead the members had been marginalized a different way—their lifestyles.
“We could talk all day, what worries you?” Elle pushed her empty plate away.
“My parents, my brothers, all have these great marriages because they’re built on love and common ground. I’m worried JoJo and I don’t have common ground.” There was so much I worried about. My reputation on the force would suffer, but compared to living without him, I didn’t care.
Elle laughed.
She was laughing at my life. How dare she?
Trixie elbowed Elle. “Go on, you don’t need to be here.”
“I’m by-the-book, he’s not. I’m a cop and he’s not. I care what others think, he doesn’t...the list goes on and on.”
“Joe risked his life to protect you because he respected you, cared for you. That should be enough.” Elle stared at me.
“Yeah, he’s a good man, but that doesn’t mean we’d work out long term.”
“Joe is about trust, friendship and loyalty—they mean everything to him. He’s eaten lots of dinners at our table.” Trixie put a hand over mine. “But he’s a hothead and doesn’t like rules. Both of those are common in the club.”
I understood loyalty and friendship. Trust, it meant everything to me too. I’d betrayed his trust, like the Marines and his family. I wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive me. And if he didn’t I would never forgive myself.
I’d focused on all the wrong things—the ones that didn’t matter. I’d trusted him from the beginning and he’d earned that and more. Down deep in all the places that mattered we were alike, but I’d let the surface things distract me.
I threw ten dollars on the table and hurried away.
“What are you going to do?” Elle called after me.
I had no time to chat, I had groveling to do.
* * *
I drove away from downtown and out to the club. I hoped I didn’t have to wait to see him. I had no idea how long his church meeting lasted, but I doubted I’d be invited inside.
I parked on the edge of the grass by the gravel lot. Cars, trucks and mostly bikes—I had no idea there were this many members.
I watched the flurry of activity in the front of the building. Tables of food were laid out, and bikers and women were filling plates—this must be the shindig. I scanned the crowd but JoJo wasn’t among them. Where was he? What would I say? I’d have to figure that out later because if I didn’t move now, I never would. Fear threatened to paralyze me.
I sucked in a breath and got out. I felt eyes on me but I didn’t acknowledge them. I needed to get to him, nothing else mattered. I walked into the dimmer interior and looked for JoJo. He sat at the bar with his back to me. The young kid, Zero, was behind the bar serving drinks.
I moved forward, close to my goal.
Lila stepped in front of me and put a hand on my arm. “I’m so glad to see you here.”
I glanced down at her hand.
“I’m sorry about the party and the drama—this has all been—”
“Look, I get that you’re big here at the club and I know you’re used to being the center of attention, but you’re in my way.”
She laughed and glanced back at JoJo, who stared at me. His right arm was bound in a sling, and he held a Bud in his left. Still drank my kind of beer. I forced myself to step forward and do this. I could read nothing from his face.
I closed the distance while he assessed me.
One eyebrow went up. “You take a wrong turn?”
I nodded. “I did, a couple weeks ago. I’m here to see if I can find my way back. Can we go somewhere to talk?” I held my breath, hoping he’d agree.
“This way.” He walked down the hall past the room where we stayed, and out the back door. A porch swing was attached to an old swing-set frame. “This work?”
He sat in the swing, but I was too nervous to sit down. What to say first?
There were so many ways to start this. Apologize. Explain. Beg.
But in the end, there was only one thing to say. “I love you.” That was the most important thing.
A slow smile spread across his face. “That so?”
Of all the responses I imagined, that wasn’t one of them.
“Loving you, that’s the easiest thing in the world. I wasn’t sure we had enough in common to last.” I glanced up and pushed out the last of it. “I’m sorry for being a coward, for running away.”