MAKING SENSE OF SECRETS
“Now, Bernadette,” Claudine's voice broke in on Bernadette's quite reverie. She was sitting at the table in the solar while the maid cleaned away the plates. “Tell me about this terrible thing.”
Bernadette sighed. Here in the comfortable domesticity of her own solar, the last thing she wanted to remember was those terrible hours. She wanted to let herself enjoy the tranquility of the sunset and the pleasant, easy sound of conversation from beside the fire. “I don't wish to think about it, Claudine. All I know is that we have to do something about it. You know that man. He won't give up.”
“Yes,” Claudine said. Her blue eyes were big and Bernadette felt sudden regret for having worried her.
“I'm sorry, my friend,” she said. “I didn't mean to trouble you. I just...” She sighed. “I won't rest easy until I know that man cannot hurt us. Either of us,” she added.
“I understand,” Claudine nodded.
Bernadette sighed. “I know you do. Now, how is Nicolene?”
She smiled as Claudine launched into a description of her daughter's latest exploits. The talk settled her, allowing her to escape her own dark thoughts and focus on the peaceful, happy present. She looked around the solar. On the settee by the fire, Fraser was sitting with Francis, the two of them engaged in some complex debate about the best swords. She found herself staring at Fraser's profile.
He had high cheekbones, a long nose and that soft, mobile mouth she loved so well when it kissed her. She found her thoughts moving to when he had been so close and there had been no barriers between them.
If not for society, we would have...Her face flushed scarlet.
“Bernadette?”
“Mm? Oh! Sorry. I was miles away,” Bernadette said, hoping the color in her cheeks wasn't too obvious.
“Sorry, I didn't want to disturb,” Claudine said, lowering her beaker of cordial slowly. “I just wanted to know what you would wear to the ball this evening. Unless you've decided not to host it anymore?”
“Oh, no,” Bernadette said, shaking her head. “I would like to host it still. If you think we are all up to attending?”
Claudine smiled. “Well, I certainly am. Francis, my dearest?”
Bernadette saw Francis look up immediately, his ruggedly-handsome face softening into a big grin as he looked at his wife.
“Yes, my love?”
“You are ready for a ball this evening, yes?”
“Of course. Fraser?” Francis asked, turning to him. “You will attend this evening?”
Bernadette felt her stomach give a little jolt of pleasure when he nodded.
“Of course. If my lady Bernadette is happy to include me?” he added.
Bernadette smiled. His eyes met hers, and she was surprised by the uncertainty in his expression. “Of course,” she said warmly.
“Thank you.”
Bernadette felt her whole body tense with longing as his eyes met hers and she reached for the cup of cordial by her left hand, feeling suddenly all flustered like she would have when she was ten years old. She grinned.
Bernadette Leblanc. Stop it.
She took a big sip of the cordial and smiled at Claudine. “Well, then. That's settled. And to answer your question of earlier, I have a new dress of brown velvet. I'll wear that.”
“Oh, lovely,” Claudine smiled. “I can't wait to see it!”
“And what about you?” Bernadette asked. “What will you wear tonight?”
“Blue,” Claudine said. They both chuckled. Claudine almost always favored blue for evening gowns. It had been something Bernadette noticed when she was her companion and maid. It seemed a lifetime ago now.
“Well, then,” she said, pushing back her chair. “If you will all excuse me, I will go down to the kitchens and oversee the preparations for tonight.”
“Of course, Bernadette. Will you join me later?”
“Indeed,” Bernadette promised Claudine. She nodded to the gentlemen and noticed that Fraser looked just a little distressed by her going. She was smiling when she headed downstairs.
Later, Bernadette sat in her bedchamber with Amelia helping her to get ready. She was dressed in the brown velvet dress and couldn't help noticing how much it suited her. It was a shade or two darker than her hair, and it brought out the color of her eyes exactly. With her dark red lips and the red lights in her hair, she looked good; even she had to admit that.
“The silver pendant, milady?”
“I think so, yes,” Bernadette nodded. She felt the coolness of the metal as Amelia fastened the chain around her neck. It completed the outfit. She felt satisfied with her appearance as she stood, turned before the mirror and then headed to the door.
“Thank you, Amelia,” she called.
Her maid blushed and curtsied. “Of course, milady. A pleasure to have you back.”
It's a pleasure to be back, Bernadette thought grimly. Hopefully, she could stay out of danger from now on. She was not going to let herself think about that problem tonight. She was going to enjoy herself.
She was walking up the hallway toward the guest-chamber where Claudine was staying when she heard a soft footfall on the boards. “Claudine!”
She stared at her friend. In a magnificent blue silk gown, she looked radiant, and she told her friend this.
“Oh, Bernadette, thank you,” she said, looking down modestly. “You look ravishing.”
Bernadette smiled. “I hope so.”
“You do?” Claudine teased.
They looked at each other. They were friends and Bernadette fancied that Claudine could guess her thoughts sometimes. She must have noticed the attraction between Bernadette and the count.
Bernadette smiled at her. “Yes,” she said. She wasn't going to be more explicit than that.
Claudine's smile stretched further, making it clear she'd guessed. “Well, this will be a merry ball tonight.”
“I hope so,” Bernadette said in a small voice.
She followed her friend to the stairwell and descended slowly. When she reached the bottom, she was surprised to find herself face to face with the count.
“My lady,” he said. His eyes were wide and his face was radiant. Bernadette blushed and looked at her feet. She had never seen a look of such appreciation – certainly not directed at her!
“My lord,” she said in a voice thick with emotion.
“Allow me?” he said. He was looking hopeful and bent his elbow, allowing her to slide her hand into the crook of it.
Bernadette frowned at him. It was no light gesture.
If she appeared in the ballroom on his arm, it was as good as a declaration from the local priest that they'd married. He would be declaring himself the lord of Evreux, and her partner. She smiled at him.
“I'll dance with you later,” she said firmly. He blinked, but nodded. She stepped ahead as he stood back for her and she led the group into the hall.
I should not be so harsh, she thought wryly as her eyes drifted to Fraser's face. He looked crestfallen. However, he should know she was not free to express my affections in the way she wanted.
“Lady Bernadette,” a man said, bowing extravagantly to her.
“Ah, Lord Antoine,” she said, curtseying to welcome one of her guests from the local estates. “I'm so pleased you could be here.”
“I thank you for arranging such a wonderful entertainment,” he said cheerily. “As Berthold does, too.”
His wife smiled at Bernadette and she kissed her cheek in greeting.
As the hall filled up, Bernadette found herself standing alone at the back, watching with not a little pride as her guests talked and sipped drinks and somewhere, a viol played a gentle, sweet melody. She had never imagined she'd one day be hosting events like this. It was a satisfying feeling. It was also a lonely one.
It would be fun to organize balls and parties with someone else.
She found herself wondering about Fraser. Her thoughts were interrupted by a voice at her shoulder.
“My lady. If you would honor me with a dance?”
Bernadette smiled. At this stage, she didn't even need to turn round. She knew who it was. Fraser. “I would be glad to.”
He bowed and this time she took his hand and let him lead her to the dance floor.
Bernadette was surprised, as the dance started up, by what a good dancer he was. He moved gracefully, his lithe, muscled body reined in like a horse to make his muscled strength a thing of savage beauty. She appreciated the way he timed things, too, graceful and perfectly in tune.
“You're a good dancer,” she whispered to him.
“Thank you, milady,” he said. His face flushed and Bernadette smiled.
“It is strange to think we've never danced before,” she said. It was – somehow it felt like this was not the first time: as if they had known each other forever and always had done.
“It is strange,” Fraser agreed.
She blushed, recalling that they had already kissed and shared an intimacy that, had anyone known, would have scandalized them.
They danced and her thoughts blended slowly, until she was aware only of the sweet proximity of him, the touch of a hand on hers, the sway of a body past hers, the feel of his hand on her waist.
The sound of the viol was lilting and sweet, and wove into her body, making her feel as if time and space were melting away and all that existed was the two of them and the way he looked into her eyes.
The music stopped. Bernadette stared up at him. He leaned forward. She tensed, knowing they couldn't kiss right here in the middle of the room. She looked down.
“We should go, milord,” she said in a low voice. “The dance floor is emptying.”
He blinked. “Oh!” he chuckled. “Yes.”
Bernadette felt herself smile. Surely he had noticed?
She walked off toward the refreshments in the back corner of the vast, vaulted hall. Impulsively, she walked to the door and out into the courtyard. The night was warm and she looked out over the flagstones, the space a soft, slate blue with dusk.
“Milady?”
She smiled, hearing him follow her. She didn't turn round. Instead, she let him come close, until he was standing behind her, his hand on her shoulder. “Mm?” she said. She turned around languidly and looked up into his eyes.
He looked down into her eyes. His own were dilated with longing. She felt herself respond and reached up, letting a hand rest gently on his shoulder.
“Milady,” he said softly. “Allow me to say how beautiful you look tonight.”
Bernadette flushed. “Thank you, my lord. You look rather fine yourself.” She experienced the genuine pleasure of seeing him blush.
“Thank you, milady.”
She smiled into his eyes. “You know, you are rather bold, if I may say so.”
“Bold? Why, milady?” She saw his eyes crinkle at the corners and knew he was perfectly aware of what she meant, that he was teasing her.
“Well, for one thing, I'll have you know it's most improper for you to be here with me in the courtyard, alone.”
He smiled. “I know it is, milady. And I do ask pardon.”
She smiled warmly. “I am sure pardon could be granted,” she teased.
“How so?”
“Well,” she said, feeling her own hands tense on his shoulder as he rested a hand on her shoulder, drawing her closer. “For a start, I would expect you to behave yourself like a gentleman in future.”
“Oh?” His eyes lit. “In which case, since I am forbidden from all improprieties hence, allow me to do them all now.”
Bernadette gave a little shocked laugh and then she was silent as his mouth moved, warm and insistent, onto hers. She felt her body melt as he drew her into his embrace, his hands clutching at her waist. She knew she should stop him, but there was no way she could deny the sweet urgency that was calling out in her body, making her want to wrap her own arms around him and draw him closer. She felt him deepen the kiss and welcomed it, even as she felt her body crushed against his own.
Then, all of a sudden, she felt her head start to drift, the whole world seeming to sway around her with a sickly, dizzying pace. “I...” she murmured, breaking the kiss. Then she felt the ground give way under her.
She closed her eyes and fell, slowly, down through the blackness.