Alex walked out of my house four days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. I texted him a few times over the weekend with simple things just testing the water between us, but he never responded. Now I’m sitting in my Monday meeting, listening to the weekend briefing. My heart races when First Sergeant Thompson mentions Airman Riley is up to no good again, and he’s recommending we move forward with his dishonorable discharge.

“Wait.” I jump to stop him at the surprise of hearing his name then have to backtrack so I don’t come off too obvious to everyone in the meeting. “I mean, um, I thought he was doing better? What exactly did he do this time?”

“He was. For a few months, he was great and I don’t know what happened, but he’s back to his old ways. He showed up smelling of alcohol on Friday, I couldn't prove it so I put him on cleaning detail to keep him off the flight line.”

I have to close my eyes as pain rips through my chest like someone just gripped my heart in an effort to stop it from beating completely. He left my house Thursday night so that pretty much put a nail in the coffin that I caused this.

To my dismay, he continues, “Then he didn’t show up at all for his weekend duty. After calling his house multiple times on Saturday, I drove there on Sunday and found him passed out with a bottle of Jack Daniels next to him. I had to get his landlord to open the door after I saw him lying on the floor when I peeked through the window.”

Please, someone, tell the person stomping on my heart to stop. I can’t take it anymore.

Yet I sit here, having to fake it, show no emotion while I silently die inside. I’m finally able to whisper out, “Is he okay?”

A few others in the room suspiciously look my way. I keep my eyes on First Sergeant Thompson, waiting for him to say something to make this weight that’s keeping me from breathing go away.

“Yes, ma’am, I was able to wake him up and get him off the floor. He was a wreck, though, so needless to say, he didn’t come into work.”

“Has he shown up yet today?” I ask.

“Yes, he arrived on time today, and, from what I can tell, he’s not drunk, but doesn’t look much better than how I left him on Sunday.”

We finish our meeting, everyone agreeing to move forward with his discharge, and once I’m back to my office, I put out a request to have Airman Riley see me in my office.

He never arrives.

Not only does this get my blood boiling on the military side of things, but it breaks my heart on the personal side, too.

After work, I drive to his house, not paying attention to the fact I’m still wearing my uniform. After seeing his truck, a light film of sweat coats my palms as nerves start to take over.

After knocking a few times he answers wrapped in a towel with no shirt on and still dripping wet from the shower.

“Oh, hey,” he says nonchalantly before opening the door wider to allow me to come in.

“Oh, hey? Really, Alex? What the hell?”

“What’s up your ass?” He turns and stands in front of me, running his fingers through his wet hair.

“What’s up my ass? What happened to you? Why haven’t you returned my phone calls or texts messages? And what happened with you at work? You knew I would find out.”

“Oh, yeah, because you’re my boss. How could I forget? Whatever. I got drunk, had a good time. I needed to blow off some steam, and that’s what works for me.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t know. I’m not obligated to call you. Remember, we’re just fucking. So is that why you’re here?” He drops his towel to reveal he has nothing underneath. “That’s all you want, right? Just a good fuck. A secret fuck. Then let’s go. You know I’m game.”

“Alex, stop,” I demand, pushing him back.

“Stop what? This is what you want, right?”

“You know it’s more than that.”

“No. Actually I don’t. Why don’t you tell me?”

“You know our work won’t allow this. What’s happening between us. I could get in a lot of trouble. I wish it was different, but it’s not.”

Alex’s fists squeeze tightly together as he takes a deep breath and bites out, “Fuck our jobs.”

“I can’t do that, Alex. This job is my life. I'm an Officer. If I get kicked out, my life is over.”

“So what, I’m just your toy then?”

Tears start to fill my eyes, “I’m sorry, Alex, I’m truly sorry. Maybe this was all just a mistake.”

I try to push my way past him but he holds me close just as tears roll down my cheek and onto his bare chest.

“No, Jenelle. You can’t say that. We’re not a mistake. I’m not a mistake. I just want to be the man you can’t live without, why does our job have to matter in that?”

I choke back a sob. “It’s not fair. I know. I don’t want to lose you but there’s more. Alex, they’re discharging you from the military.”

He pulls me off his chest and holds me at arms length. “What?”

“Yes, Alex, they’re moving forward with a dishonorable discharge. After you were arrested they said if you stepped out of line one more time than you were out. There was nothing I could do.”

“No! They can’t do that!”

“Yes, Alex, they can. And they are.”

Tears fall freely as I watch panic take over his face. Shaking his head, he stomps back to his room. “No! They can’t do this.” He’s back in a minute, fully dressed. “I’ll go talk to them.”

And just like that. He’s gone and I lose all control in the middle of his apartment.

Alone.