Chapter 21

Zombies were real. Krista had decided this, and she was decidedly one of them. She tromped down the hall to go check on her last patient of the day. She felt drained, void, and like she should climb into one of the hospital beds herself because she was certain that she was dying. That was how she felt at least. Her diagnosis: incurable heartbreak. But it was for the best.

“You doing okay?” she asked little Petey Gibbs, who was hospitalized after hitting his head and getting a concussion. Usually they sent these kids home, but Dr. Jacobs thought it best to watch Petey a little closer.

“I’m bored,” Petey declared.

Krista laughed softly. It didn’t matter how bad she felt, a child could always lift her spirits. She did this job as much for herself as she did for them. “Okayyyy, well is your head feeling all right?”

“Yep. Just bored.”

Krista nodded. “I have coloring books back at my station.”

“Those are boring,” he said flatly.

She twisted her mouth to one side. Tapped a finger to her chin. “I have audiobooks. I can set them up to read to you. Do you like books?”

“I’ve read the entire Harry Potter series,” he told her proudly.

“Wow. Those are tough books for a nine-year-old.”

“Not really. I’m pretty smart.” He used his little arms to push himself upright in the bed. “And one day I’m going to be a doctor just like you.”

“I’m a nurse, actually, but you can be anything you want. Just follow your heart.” Her grandmother had always told her that same thing and she’d believed it. But following her heart with Noah had led her astray this time, and now she was miserable. The walking dead. “Last offer,” she said, forcing Noah from her thoughts. “I have a book of word-finds you can do. If you find a whole page’s worth, I’ll bring you a treat tomorrow.”

The boy’s eyes rounded. “I’m excellent at word-finds,” he told her.

“Good. You can only do one page, though. Then I want you to rest your eyes.”

“Okay.”

“Good. I’ll go get the book for you.” She retrieved it from the nurse’s station and brought it to him. “See you tomorrow.” She left his room and returned to her station where she collapsed in front of the computer to finish up patient notes. She’d volunteered to run the caregiver support group again tonight. The way she was feeling, though, she’d be no good to anyone. She’d skipped lunch and, with Grace on her honeymoon, she’d missed out on the supercharged caffeine that the Blushing Bay Café provided in the mornings. Maybe she’d grab a bite at the hospital cafeteria before the group began.

Taking the elevator down to the first floor, Krista dragged herself through the line, grabbing some diced fruit and a cup of caffeinated tea. Then she carried it to a table in the corner to sit by herself. As she sipped, her gaze snagged on a familiar-looking woman. Mandy was seated a few tables away, laughing and smiling, looking more relaxed than Krista had ever seen her. It was good to see. Krista wondered where Adam was, but knew that Mandy would never leave him somewhere that wasn’t safe. Seated at the table with Mandy was a man with his back to Krista. The two were both leaning forward into each other. It must’ve been the man who’d asked for her number when she’d come down to the cafeteria the other day. This was great. Mandy was seeing someone and she looked happy.

Krista inspected the man a little more closely. Even though his back was to her, she could see that he was dressed in scrubs and a white doctor’s jacket. A doctor here. Go, Mandy!

The man dropped something from the table and bent to pick it up, his face turning just enough for Krista to recognize him. A breath caught in her chest. It was Chandler Dale. Mandy and Chandler Dale. For a second, Krista felt a streak of jealousy. She lowered her gaze, hoping they wouldn’t see her. She wasn’t jealous because it was Chandler. She was jealous because Mandy had found something that she was looking for. Something that she’d thought she’d found, too, but Noah had only been a mirage. And now here she was sitting in the hospital cafeteria alone.

Collecting her fruit and drink, Krista quickly retreated out of the cafeteria toward the conference room where the caregiver support group was being held.

The group gathered in a circle of chairs half an hour later. Understandably Mandy didn’t attend. She was likely still on a date with Dr. Dale, which hopefully relieved some of her caregiver stress in itself.

“You’re back with us,” one of the attendees said, offering up a smile.

Krista nodded. “Lorraine is caring for her sick father these days, so she can’t be here to moderate the group.”

“Sounds like she’ll need to attend for herself,” an older man said.

Krista nodded. “We all need to unload sometimes. It’s good for everyone.” Including herself.

“All right,” Cathy Myer said. Cathy always attended the group with a basket of knitting supplies and knitted while everyone talked. She was the caregiver for her grandchildren after her daughter had run off to the other side of the country. “You look like you could use some support. What’s going on in your life?” Cathy asked, her knitting needles pausing as she looked up at Krista.

“Oh, no. I don’t take care of anyone at home. I live with my brother.” Which probably sounded pathetic to this group.

“Do you take care of yourself?” a young woman asked. “Because that’s important, too. We’ve all learned that in coming here.”

Krista frowned. “I try.”

“So why do you look like you’re carrying the weight of the world right now?” someone else asked.

Krista shook her head. “Well, it’s nothing really. I guess it’s because my boyfriend and I just broke up.” Tears threatened behind her eyes. She hadn’t spoken to anyone about the breakup yet. It was too fresh, and crap. She didn’t want to cry in front of a circle of strangers. “But I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here to listen to you guys.”

Cathy pointed a knitting needle. “We all share in this group, including you, missy. Tell us what happened.”

Krista swallowed, then spilled the details. All except one—that she might be pregnant. She didn’t think she was. She hadn’t been sick since Sunday morning, but there was a small question in her mind, worrying and exciting and confusing her beyond belief. She hadn’t gotten her period yet, but it wasn’t due for another week still.

The person sitting next to her passed a box of Kleenex. “Here.”

“Thanks.” Krista pulled one free and wiped at a tear that had slipped from her eye. “Wow. I didn’t realize how great it felt to unload.” Krista was normally the one listening to other people’s problems. “I feel better.”

“Good. That’s what this group is for,” Cathy said.

Then it was someone else’s turn to talk. By the time Krista arrived home, she was depleted. She crawled under her covers and was just about to doze off when her phone buzzed beside her with an incoming text. She’d forgotten to mute it so that she could sleep.

She blinked herself awake, fumbled for her phone on the nightstand, and pulled it to her.

SOS.

The text was from Joey. She hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t home when she’d arrived. But now that she thought of it, the house had been quiet. He was usually snacking in the kitchen or snoring on the couch in front of the TV.

What’s wrong? she texted back.

I’m stranded on the docks. Thought the cab was ready, but she’s not.

Krista forced herself upright. Joey had saved her butt a million times, so she owed him.

Be right there, she typed. Then she dressed and left to go get him.

Noah wasn’t staying at Jack’s house tonight as planned. He didn’t care if he had to take a cold shower. A cold shower was welcome if it numbed his body and his shattered emotions.

Insomnia pried him out of bed for the second night in a row. Even Beauty was sleeping down on the floor. He thought about waking her to take her for a walk, but decided to go it alone this time. The wind off the ocean pressed against his fall jacket as he walked the boardwalk, the temperature matching the one of his heart. Frigid. He felt cold and void without Krista’s warmth. Well, he better get used to it because she was out of his life. He hadn’t texted her, but he’d hoped like hell every time he checked his phone that she’d texted or called him. He guessed it was pride keeping him from contacting her, but it was also out of respect for what she’d told him she wanted. She wanted their relationship to be over because she didn’t believe he could be what she needed. She believed dating him was a waste of her time. That realization hurt like a bullet tearing through his flesh.

He picked up his pace as he walked, trying to keep warm because he wasn’t ready to head home just yet. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Hope sprang like an angel’s light over his dark mood as he pulled it out.

Gina Mandeen’s name flashed onscreen.

His dark mood returned with thunder and lightning this time, but he answered anyway. “Hey, Gina.”

“Hi, there. I hope it’s not too late to call,” his real-estate agent said.

Noah checked his watch. It was almost ten. “Not at all. What’s up?”

“The O’Hares accepted your offer on the house!” she squealed.

Noah stopped walking and turned to face the water. “They did?”

“Don’t sound so surprised.” She laughed. “That place has been for sale for months. We knew you’d get it. Just didn’t know you’d get it at such a steal.”

“Wow.”

His tone of voice must not have matched his exclamation because Gina laughed again. “This is good news, Noah. Go out and celebrate! You own a house now!”

“Yeah. Thanks,” he said, his tone still flat.

He and Gina made plans to talk the next day and then hung up. He was happy about the house. Buying it wasn’t dependent on being together with Krista. It just would’ve been sweeter if he were. He walked a few more blocks and was just about to turn back when he saw her from the corner of his eye. Over the last several days he’d thought he’d seen Krista more than once. It was a symptom of his broken heart, he guessed. This time, as he did a double take, he realized it really was her. She was standing on the other side of the street between her car and Joey’s cab. Joey closed his hood and shook his head, then walked around to get in the passenger side of Krista’s car.

She headed toward her driver’s side, but then stopped and for some reason she looked over to exactly where Noah was standing. Her body stiffened as she realized that it was him. For a moment, Noah didn’t know what to do. Did he wave? Were they on friendly terms? Did he step over and see if he could help? Did he turn and head in the opposite direction because she put the brakes on in their relationship when it couldn’t have been going better? When he was absolutely sure that he could never love anyone else as much as he loved her.

Krista made the decision for him by quickly looking away and ducking inside her car. So that’s how it was going to be between them now. They couldn’t even share space, just like Abby and Sam. This was exactly what he’d always feared in dating his best friend, the absolute worst thing he could imagine. He’d lost her. For good.

Turning, he headed home—not his forever home anymore. Soon he’d be moving somewhere with an actual foundation. Somewhere with lots of room. With hot water. With a fishing pier in the backyard. He wished more than anything he could call up his best friend and tell her the good news. Man’s best friend would have to do tonight, except Beauty was still sleeping as he entered his houseboat. So instead, he grabbed a beer and headed to his lawn chair on the front of the boat to toast his new endeavor, alone.

“It was nice seeing you with someone at Thanksgiving,” Krista’s mom said, opening the conversation.

Krista’s stomach soured. She absolutely did not want to talk about Noah with her mother. It’d been a long time since she’d brought someone home and the relationship had already crumbled. “Yep.” Krista kept moving, making her mom work to keep up with her as they shopped. Krista hadn’t been able to go shopping when all the good sales were going on during Black Friday because she’d been working at the hospital. She liked to get her Christmas shopping done early, though, before all the good stuff disappeared off the shelves and she was stuck giving crappy gifts. “Do you think Dad will like this?” Krista pulled an ugly sweater in front of her. There was a picture of a man golfing on the front.

Her mother frowned. “Your father doesn’t golf. And you’re working hard to change the topic. Did you and Noah have a fight?”

“Not really,” Krista said, placing the sweater back on the rack.

“So everything is okay with you two?” Her mother smiled, which Krista found curious. Had her mom liked the idea of her dating Noah? Not that it mattered anymore.

“No. Actually, we broke up,” Krista said, then turned and started walking fast again.

“Krista…” Her mom was shorter and therefore was nearly running in the aisle to keep up. “What happened? You two have always been so close. I thought that this was finally it. That Noah was the one.”

Krista turned. “The one? Why would you think that?”

“Well, because he’s the reason you’ve never gotten serious with all the others, right?”

“No. No, of course not. I just never clicked with the other guys I’ve dated. Few as they were.”

“So you’re saying you didn’t click with Noah?” her mom asked. “Because you sure looked like you were clicking on Thanksgiving Day.”

“We click. We just…he’s just…” Krista shook her head. “Noah isn’t the kind of guy who marries and has kids, okay? He’s never going to have a white picket fence. I can do without the fence, but not the other stuff. It’s just not meant to be.”

Her mom’s eyes slanted sympathetically. “Are you sure?”

Krista thought of what she’d overheard at Grace and Jack’s wedding. If she hadn’t been sure of that fact before, that piece of information had solidified her sureness. “I am. And that’s okay.” Krista’s shoulders bounced as if this was no big deal. “It’s fine.”

“Aww, honey.” Her mother wrapped her arms around her and pulled her in for a big hug, which in turn made Krista want to fall apart. The truth was, she wasn’t okay without Noah. She missed him. She ached for him and she feared that she always would.

Krista pulled back and sniffled, a lump steadily rising in her throat. She directed her attention back to shopping. “Okay, let’s do this. Christmas is only a month away.”

She bought presents for her father, Joey, her coworkers, and little Adam, who Karen was actually right about—Krista had gotten way too attached. But that’s who she was. Why fight it? She loved attaching herself to her pediatric patients. She loved helping their caregivers. The only part of her job she didn’t love, the part that she hated, was the paperwork. She also realized she hadn’t loved standing in for Karen when she’d been out. She was good at resolving conflict, but she didn’t want that to be her everyday job.

After shopping, Krista and her mom had lunch and then Krista stopped at the pharmacy before heading home. She walked through all the aisles to make sure no one she knew was in the store and then she lifted a pregnancy test and dropped it into her basket with shaky hands. She paid, avoiding the clerk’s curious look—or maybe that was just her being paranoid. Then she drove home, set the test on her counter, and stared at the pink and blue box. She’d never had to take one of these in all of her near twenty-nine years. She’d always been responsible when it came to sex because there was too much at stake not to be. The condom breaking was a fluke. She’d had friends that it had happened to, and none of them had ever gotten pregnant because of it. She and Noah probably hadn’t, either. There was still a question in her mind, though. She’d had a rolling nausea ever since Grace and Jack’s wedding. Nothing that pushed her into bed like it had that night. And maybe it was all in her head. Maybe her worry and excitement—because she would be excited if she were pregnant even if Noah chose not to be in the picture—had her stomach tightening.

She held the box with a shaky hand and read the directions, which couldn’t be more simple. Pee on the stick and wait to see a plus or a minus. Wait to see if her world was irrevocably changed forever.

“You can do this, Krista.” She pulled a deep breath into her lungs. Exhaled. Took another breath. Then another, until she was nearly hyperventilating. Then her phone lit on the counter beside the box and Abby’s name popped up on the screen.

“Hello,” Krista said shakily, grateful for the distraction.

“Are you okay?” Abby asked.

“Yes.” Krista’s voice cracked.

“I was just cooking and you popped into my brain and I couldn’t get you out. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Krista started to say yes again. Because she was strong and just fine. She took care of everyone else, not vice versa. But having people to talk to at the caregiver support group the other night had felt good. It’d felt good to lean on others. It was something she rarely did, but needed to do more of, she decided. “Actually, no. I’m the opposite of okay. Can you come over?”

“Turning my kitchen over to my sous-chefs. I’ll be right there.”

Ten minutes later, Abby was sitting across the kitchen counter and staring at the box with Krista.

“Have you told Noah yet?” Abby asked.

Krista shook her head and took another deep breath. She was seriously considering pulling out a brown paper bag to breathe into. “I don’t want to freak him out over nothing. If it’s nothing.”

Abby smiled softly. “You don’t know that he’d freak out.”

“You know about his ex in college, right?”

“Yeah.” She gave an apologetic look. “That was back when Sam told me everything. There were no secrets between us.”

It was Krista’s turn to offer an apologetic look. She wasn’t exactly sure what had happened between Abby and Sam, but she guessed that loving a Sawyer man was complicated.

Krista sighed. “He ran for the hills just as soon as he realized it was only a scare. He was off the hook. He’s finally settled here. He’s captain of the Summerly and working with Joey. He’s happy.”

“He was happier than I’ve ever seen him when he was with you,” Abby said. She reached over and squeezed Krista’s hand. “You two are good together. You can’t discard him without giving him a chance to prove himself one way or the other.”

“Everyone always tells me that I need to take care of myself. I work so hard taking care of everyone else. My friends, my family, my patients. Well, maybe this is me taking care of myself. I know Noah. I know what he wants out of life and it doesn’t match what I want. So I’m putting myself first for once.”

Abby nodded. “Okay. Well, what if you’re pregnant? You’ll have to tell him.”

Krista’s chest tightened. It felt as if she were being fitted with one of those garments that brides wore under their dresses to make them two sizes smaller. “If I’m pregnant, then I’ll tell him. And I’ll watch him run.”