In a month, Nate and I had gone from strangers to lovers. Another month later, I’d fallen for him. And now?

Now we might as well be nothing, because Nate was gone and there was zero sign of him coming back.

The leaves were changing colors in Central Park and Travesty was nearly ready for the spring season. Kirsten had lined up some great advertising opportunities. Nearly all our New York vendors were committed to orders. Part of me was happy for our success. But I still felt empty.

I had no interest in the leaves, the interviews, the pumpkin-spice-flavored anything. The world could suck it.

On a cloudy Friday, Lex, Jordan, and I were on our way to finalize orders with our LA boutiques in person.

When we collected our bags at the San Diego airport, we found a vintage Mustang waiting for us at the curb, my brother leaning against the side.

Lex’s face lit up when she saw him. Dylan wasn’t the most expressive person, but from the way he grabbed her, I could tell the adoration was mutual.

“How are you?” he asked me after releasing his girlfriend.

“Surviving,” I said honestly.

Dylan helped load our bags into the tiny car, which in itself took some finessing. Once we pulled out into traffic he made eye contact with me in the rear view mirror. “Want to go to the beach tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Sure.” We had appointments Monday and Tuesday with boutiques but until then we were off the hook. I could at least pretend to be normal for the sake of my friends. Pretend it didn’t eat at me that Nate and I hadn’t talked in the thirteen days since he’d gone to Minnesota.

It was better this way, I’d told both of us. But it still hurt like hell.

“Do you want me to stay at your place with you?” Lex asked, swiveling in her seat.

“It’s all right. Keep D out of trouble. Jordan’s here to make sure I don’t jump off the roof.” I tilted my head at the girl crammed into the tiny backseat next to me.

Lex smiled faintly because she knew I was joking, or trying to. “You’d better not. We’ll come pick you both up in the morning.”

It was still comforting to visit the ranch house I’d grown up in, even though my mom said she’d be traveling for work this week. When Dylan and Lex dropped us off and I unlocked the front door, a wave of familiarity washed over me.

I gave Jordan the grand tour, ending with the bedrooms. “And here’s you,” I said. “This is Kate’s room, but she hasn’t lived here in a million years. Towels are here. Shower’s down the hall.”

I left her to get comfortable while I went through my closet and drawers to find clothes for the week. Though we’d only been gone a few months, it felt almost like I was going through someone else’s clothes. Someone else’s room. So much in my life had changed, but everything here had stayed the same.

“Want to watch a movie?” Jordan stuck her head in the door thirty minutes later. “I think I’m too tired to do something legit tonight.”

“Yeah, OK.”

Jordan made herself at home in the living room, commanding the remote and flipping through the programs on our TV. “Something light or dark?”

“Definitely dark.” I said. “Give me the furthest thing from Audrey Hepburn you can find.”

“The Godfather it is.”

Jordan made popcorn and we curled up on opposite sides of the sectional sofa. We were half passed out before the credits rolled.

* * *

The sun was peeking in my window when I woke up the next morning. I rolled away from the wall and stretched.

And screamed.

Jordan was standing in my doorway with crazy morning hair and a strange look on her face. “I forgot my bathing suit.”

My mind had already gone into shock mode at the unexpected blond zombie in my room. “You scared the shit out of me. What time is it?”

She shrugged. “Time to get up. But seriously, can I borrow something?”

“Yeah, sure.” I sat up and pushed myself out of bed. I pulled a handful of bikinis out of a dresser drawer and passed them to her.

She held one up with her thumb and forefinger. “Am I going to get arrested for wearing this?”

“No. But if we’re lucky we’ll get a free lunch out of it.”

Jordan sighed. “I’ll put shorts over the bottoms.” She held the triangle top up against her chest over the Muse concert tee she’d slept in. “And maybe I can find a bag to put over this,” she muttered.

I picked a pink and green bikini for myself and threw a beach dress overtop. I didn’t care too much about my appearance, but I managed some blush and my trademark winged liner. It smudged at the corner.

“Dammit!”

I couldn’t do anything right.

Jordan came out of her room at almost the same time. She looked like a surf goddess in the blue-and-white-striped triangle top and denim short-shorts. Despite her best intentions, the shorts didn’t cover much.

“The boys are going to eat you alive,” I told her.

“I’ll bring bear spray.”

I cocked my head. “Jordan, are you even into guys?”

She screwed up her face like she was weighing her options. “In principle. But my last boyfriend turned out to be gay, so consider me a really bad judge.” She sniffed the air, distracted. “Is that coffee?”

It was, I realized. I took off down the hall.

When I reached the dining room, my heart lifted for the first time in ages. “Mom!”

My mother, like the house, hadn’t changed a bit. Her hair was still caramel colored without the help of dye and shades lighter than mine. Her blue eyes sparkled when I ran to her in the dining room and hugged her.

“Hi, sweetie.” She got over the initial surprise and hugged me right back. I’d probably never been as affectionate or glad to be home as I was right now and I melted into her arms.

“It’s good to see you.” It was embarrassing how good. How much I needed this, just this, right now.

“Please tell me you didn’t bring me laundry,” she said into my hair.

“Nope.” I pulled back and managed a half-smile.

“Only because it cost an extra twenty bucks a bag to fly it here,” a monotone voice commented from behind me.

“Mom, I brought you Jordan.” I introduced them. “Hey, what smells so good?” I heard noises from the galley kitchen and peered around the wall. “It’s not Dylan. He can’t cook worth shit.”

My brother held a coffee mug in one hand and flipped me off with the other. Lex didn’t notice. She was busy turning pancakes, her hair tied back in a ponytail and a cute half apron on.

“Don’t you dare domesticate that woman.” Jordan passed me, grabbing a perfectly cooked pancake off the stack before Lex could stop her and taking a bite.

“It’s true,” I agreed. “We need her to sell skirts, not make flapjacks. She’s the brains of our operation.”

“Hey,” Jordan griped, leaning against the counter. “If she’s the brains, what does that make me?”

“The blond,” I explained. “Every operation needs a token blond.”

The five of us sat around the dining table catching up with Dylan and Mom, eating Lex’s pancakes, drenched in syrup, and chugging coffee. After breakfast Mom packed us a picnic to take to the beach.

Just as we were getting ready to leave, Jordan got a call. She took it in her room and came back three minutes later looking worried. “Something big just happened with one of my dad’s businesses. There was a chemical spill and the EPA is on site. There’s no point me going back, but I used to work there and can help a lot if I take the morning and make a few calls. Can I let you go ahead?”

“Um, yeah. Of course. Can I do anything?”

She looked a little relieved. “No, don’t let me ruin your beach day. I’m sorry to bail.”

My mom said she’d keep an eye on Jordan, so we reluctantly left her at the house. As promised, Dylan drove the three of us to our favorite beach, and thirty minutes later we were settled on our towels.

I’d barely gotten stretched out when I saw the familiar face.

Actually, it was the familiar ripped torso I noticed first. Attached to great legs and arms and a blindingly white smile.

“Tink!”

I pushed up off the towel and crossed to him. I didn’t even care that he got the front of my dress wet when he dropped his board and wrapped me in a hug.

“My favorite guy. Guess you got my text this morning.”

“Sure did. Rumor has it I’m your second favorite guy.” He raised his eyebrows.

I fought off the wave of loneliness that sprang up and shook my head. “Not anymore. Nate and I—we broke up.”

“Well shit.” Kent looked genuinely disappointed for me.

I sighed. “It’s OK. I was going to tell you, it’s just been a crazy couple of weeks.”

“No doubt. Let Uncle K cheer you up.”

“Only if you never say that again.” I sniffed. “Creepy perv.”

The four of us spent the day lounging and eating and drinking, playing volleyball and Frisbee. Kent took Dylan surfing. “Don’t break him,” Lex cautioned, and Kent saluted.

“Just eliminating the competition,” he said, winking.

Lex rolled her eyes as the two of us were left. “It’s good knowing he’s here to keep an eye on things,” she commented, stretching out on her back so the sun could reach the skin exposed by her green bikini.

“He’s a great guy.”

“Yeah he is.” Lex’s smile froze. “Are you thinking you and Kent …?”

“Hell no. I’m not even close to ready to think about someone else. Dating is seriously overrated. Love makes people hurt,” I declared.

Lex reached over to grab my pinky with hers. It was something we’d done as kids after her dad left and the move brought tears to the backs of my eyes.

“How are you doing, A?” she asked gently. “Things have been so busy and then I didn’t want to pry. But I’m prying now. It’s overdue.”

“It sucks,” I declared. The sun had tucked itself behind the clouds for the moment, and I watched the white shapes drift. I felt as aimless as they were. “It sucks because I keep thinking of things I want to tell him. It sucks because I miss waking up beside him. It sucks because I’m pretty sure I loved him and I don’t know if he knew that.”

That cloud looked like a bunny. The shape changed, and it morphed into a deformed bunny.

Love could do that to you. Make you whole, then leave you misshapen.

“Do you regret it? Not trying? You can tell me. I love you, Ava. No matter what.”

Tears that had welled up behind my eyes escaped, sliding down my cheeks. I’d cried enough when Nate left, as stupid as it was since we’d only been dating a few weeks. It’d actually shocked me how much I missed him. How big a hole his leaving had made.

I’d done a lot of thinking about it in the past two weeks. “I regret throwing it away because I was scared. Scared because I didn’t trust him, trust us. It felt like he was taking sides. I wanted him to put me first, to pick me first, for once. Not his dad, not his work, not anything else.”

“You’re the least cowardly person I know, Ava. But do you think you’d ever give it another chance?”

“Maybe. But what do I even say? ‘I was wrong, I want to have another shot, maybe we can see each other once a month’?”

“I don’t know. But I saw Nate the day he left.” My head turned toward her. “I know, I should’ve told you,” she conceded, “but I didn’t want to upset you more. For what it’s worth, he didn’t look like a guy who was excited to leave.”