Chapter 7 - Austin

It doesn’t bother me if someone is crazy . . . but if they’re crazier than me, I get freaking JEALOUS!

~ Mac, the nutjob

Sitting at the bar, I waited for my date to show. I was nervous as fuck about going on another date after the cluster-fuck that was my short lived time with Deena. Surely it couldn’t get any worse, though. Alice worked in the music store from where I purchased my guitar, and last week I’d stopped in to grab some new strings. After our usual playful flirting, I decided to ask her out. She’d been shocked into silence at first, but with a slight stutter agreed. Now here I was, waiting. She was running late and I wondered if she had stood me up. Would that be worse than my date with Deena? Glancing at the time on my iPhone again, I looked towards the front of the bar and found Alice’s short blonde bob ducking and weaving through the growing crowd. Her dark brown eyes found mine, and a smile curved her cute heart shaped lips. Alice was tiny, sexy, had a great laugh, and seemed kind, always dropping whatever she was in the middle of to help a customer. I don’t know why I hadn’t asked her out yet. She worked in a fucking music store. She was perfect!

As I stood up to greet her, I noticed the woman she was tugging along behind her. Slightly older, but I didn’t think by much. She was also quite beautiful, her eyes full of excitement, her red lips in a big smile.

I hesitated a moment. Who was the woman? Although I was relatively new to dating, I was pretty sure when you went on a date you didn’t bring a third wheel.

“Hey, Austin,” Alice said with an easy smile as she approached me.

“Hey,” I answered, my gaze flicking from Alice to the woman who stood behind her, her smile now set on me.

“Oh, this is Wanda,” Alice introduced us, and I reached out my hand to shake Wanda’s. “She’s my mom.”

I know for sure I did a terrible job at hiding my shock. She brought her fucking mom on our date? I was now swimming in deep waters and drowning fast. What was the etiquette here? Although I was fairly certain I didn’t want her mom joining us, I couldn’t exactly ask her to leave, and it would be rude to bail. Why would you bring your mom on a date?

“Alice gets nervous, so she asked me to come as a buffer. Just pretend like I’m not even here,” Wanda said with a twinkle in her eye. In fact, the twinkle bordered on blatant interest as she did a slow perusal of my body.

What the actual fuck?  Deciding the best course of action would be to give Alice my undivided attention and ignore the ‘buffer,’ I bought both the women a drink, then angled my body toward Alice, asking her about work and her mutual love for music. Wanda was behind me, the heat from her body indicating she had wiggled as close as she could get. As discreetly as possible, I edged closer to Alice.

“So, how long have you played the piano?” I asked.

“Twelve years now,” she murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind one ear.

“What kind of music do you play? Traditional? Modern?”

“A bit of both,” she answered, barely able to meet my gaze as she played with the condensation on the glass of Coke I had bought her.

Her bashfulness surprised me. It was as if there were two Alice’s: the confident beauty from the music store and the nervous little mouse who now sat before me.

“Cool,” I said, struggling to find something else to say. “What kind of music do you listen to?”

“Umm, I like folksy type music,” she answered before becoming once again silent.

Well, this was awkward. When had having a conversation become so freaking painful? Whatever I was about to say next became lodged in my throat when I felt very obvious prying hands on my ass. Her fucking mom was feeling me up! My body froze, and my ass puckered at her wandering fingers. Don’t get me wrong, I’d never had a problem with women groping a little, but hell, I was on a date . . . with her daughter!

“You know,” Alice whispered as I silently freaked the fuck out. “I’m really glad you asked me out, it’s been months since Mom and I had a night out.”

Edging further away from Wanda with the wandering hands and closer to Alice, I nodded.

“No problem. So, you and your mom are close?”

“Oh yeah,” Alice said with a bright smile. “We live together. We pretty much do everything together.”

“Everything?” I asked, my voice pitching at the end as a finger touched the bare skin of my lower back. She’d slipped her hands under my fucking shirt!

“Pretty much,” Alice replied, completely unaware of the inappropriate groping, or at least I hoped so.

When her mother tried to slip a finger into the waistband of my jeans, I’d had enough. Jumping from my bar stool, I moved well away from Wanda the fondler and shot her a pissed off glance. I’d never felt so . . . violated. Usually it was me doing the violating!

“If by sharing everything means ‘the men you date,’ you’re gonna find yourself shit out of luck, honey. I mean, porn can get away with the mother and daughter thing, because it’s not fucking real.” Alice offered me a confused frown. “The few men you will find who are into this shit are going to be weird fuckers.”

I turned to say something to Wanda, who seemed completely unaffected by my tirade, but all the words I wanted to say would probably make her cry, or Alice at the very least. Turning my back on the women, I stormed out of the bar. I felt a little bad for Alice, her mom was a nut job and perhaps she knew nothing about it, but for fuck’s sake, you don’t take your damned mother on a damned date in the first place!

As I reached the curb outside the club, my phone rang and Walker’s ugly fucking ass filled my vision. I’d forgotten to delete the image he’d snuck onto my phone, and I was going to need therapy if I saw it again.

“What?” I snapped.

“Hello to you too, princess. Are you still playing at Decker and Andi’s wedding in a couple of weeks?”

“Yes,” I answered, looking around for a cab. 

“You still looking for a plus one?”

“I don’t have a date, and I’m not looking for one. It is okay to go to these things alone, you know,” I huffed, frustrated over the fuck-stick of a date I had just left. Thank god I hadn’t told Walker about this one. Between this epic failure and the bullshit that was Deena, he’d have a fucking field day.

“Can I be your plus one?”

I stopped looking for a cab.

“Why the hell would you want to be my plus one at a wedding?”

“Where do you want me to start? Umm, Decker is an ex-porn star; that place is going to be packed with women trained in the art of fellatio. And, I’ve only met Decker once, but I have a small man-crush on him. He’s the man! Also, bridesmaids . . . and did I mention porn stars?”

Shaking my head, I threw up my arm and dove into the street as a cab rolled up to the bar.

“Okay, whatever, but you’re driving,” I said as I climbed in.

“Deal, and I know your rules: no nookie on the first date. Your virtue is safe with me.”

Before I could tell him to fuck off, he’d hung up. Collapsing back in the seat, the cab driver glanced over his shoulder.

“Where to?”

Not ready to go home, I gave him Mavis’ address.

“Screw this shit, I’m going back to being a man whore. Dating sucks,” I said a little mulishly as I sat at Mavis’s breakfast bar, feasting on Rocky Road ice cream.

“The only thing you’ll gain from that kind of life is crabs. Face it, Austin, it’s time to grow up.” Mavis murmured.

“Did you know that fifty percent of married couples in America divorce? And that rate is even higher for subsequent marriages.” I shook my head. “I’m starting to think men and women just weren’t meant to be together. Procreate, yes; practice procreating, hell yes; happily ever after, hell no.”

“Jimmy and I were married for fifty-two years,” Mavis reminded me as she sat down with her own bowl of ice cream.

“You’re an enigma. I don’t suppose you have a sister, maybe fifty years younger?” Mavis snorted. “I’m serious, though. I’m over it. One night stands are way easier. I wish someone had told me in sex ed, then I wouldn’t have put myself through all this shit.”

 “You know, Austin, you’re not emo enough for the sullen look. Make like Taylor Swift and shake it off.”

That easily, Mavis made a crack in my shitty mood. “How the hell do you know what emo is?”

“I know how to use the Internet. I’m what one might call a hipster granny.”

I laughed loudly this time, silently agreeing with her.

“If finding love was so easy, there wouldn’t be that fifty percent divorce rate. Good things take time.”

“At this rate my balls will shrivel up and dry out waiting.”

“What happened with that Stacey girl? The teacher? She sounded nice.”

“She hated children and filled her water container with vodka and drank all day while at school.” Mavis gave me a horrified stare. “I already sent an anonymous letter to the school requesting they check her water.”

“Dodged a bullet with that one,” she muttered.  “What about that Dana girl?”

“Deena,” I winced. “She’s not into musicians . . . or tradesman, and she has a thing for my parents bank account.”

Mavis huffed with disbelief. “Those gold digging mooches give us hard working women a bad name.”  I couldn’t argue with that. “What happened with the cute musician you went out with tonight? I’m assuming since you’re here eating my ice cream there was no happy ending?”

“She seemed nice enough, but her mother violated me in middle of the fucking bar.”

“Say again?” Mavis asked, her ice cream paused right before her mouth.

“Alice brought her mom along on the date. Apparently, she’s shy or some shit and her mom was supposed to be the buffer I was to ignore, but when she tried to stick her hand down the back of my jeans, I bailed.”

“Maybe it was a two for one deal?” Mavis suggested, with humor dancing on her lined face and in her soft, grey eyes. I shook my head in disbelief. “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll be sure to mention you into my prayers tonight.” Her gaze rose toward the ceiling, as if already reaching out to her higher power. “Poor Austin needs a little help with the ladies, can you believe it?”

“Thank you,” I replied, trying not to laugh.

 “What about those dating sites on the computer?”

“I hate buying anything off the Internet. You never know what you’re going to get.”

“You’re not purchasing a woman, Austin.” Mavis gave me a contemplative look. “You’re not buying a woman, are you?”

“No, Mavis, I’m definitely not buying a woman online, and as for those dating sites, I’m worried I’ll end up meeting a man instead of a woman. From what I’ve heard the pictures on those sites are usually false advertising.”

Mavis snorted. “True that. What about coming down to the rec center with me this Friday? There are some real nice ladies down there, and I can assure you none of them are men posturing as women.”

“Have you met any transgender women? Even I would have a hard time telling some of them apart.”

“As a matter of fact, I have. Lou-Lou who works the laundromat over on Sixth had reassignment surgery last year.”

“Lou-Lou is a man?” I spluttered out, shocked. 

“No, she’s a woman, but if you’re asking if she was born a male, then yes, she was.”

“Damn, she looks great.”

“So you’d be open to meeting her? She’s single, you know.” 

“With all due respect, Mavis, I have nothing against the transgender community, but I’d prefer to meet a girl born a girl, with all the girl bits that go with it.”

“Donna down at the rec center has a daughter who was divorced a couple of years ago. You want me to put in a word for you?” she went on, seemingly determined to fix me up.

“As much as I appreciate your help, I’d prefer to figure this out on my own.”

“You know, it’s okay to be alone, Austin. The world keeps right on spinning and you can make your place in it without having a woman by your side. And even though you never said as much, I know you’re never wanting for company, nothing wrong with a little consensual hit and run.”

I almost choked on the lump of Rocky Road I had just stuffed in mouth.

“I’m hearing you, Mavis. It would just be nice to hit and stay, you know?”

The soft look in Mavis’s cloudy eyes as she smiled across the table was filled with understanding.

“I understand. But love can’t be forced, Austin. One day you’re going to look in a woman’s eyes and you’re going to see something you’ve never seen before. She’s going to look at you like you’re the only man in the world. She’s going to know all your flaws and weaknesses and still think you’re perfect. Just be patient. It will hit you when you least expect it.”