Chapter 31
Destiny
“Taking a leap of faith and jumping to conclusions have the same starting point. The only difference is where you end up.”
~ Grandma Dixie
“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” I asked for at least the tenth time since they’d wheeled Gram back to her room fifteen minutes ago.
Sighing in frustration, she pointed to the chair beside the bed. “Stop fussing at me and sit down. You’ve got yourself all worked up for nothing. I’m fine. Just got a little dizzy is all.”
I slid into the chair, my insides quivering. I didn’t know what was up or down. My whole world seemed to be spiraling out of control. Needing something to hold onto, I grasped Gram’s hand and laid my cheek against it—which I’d done since I was little. Some people had security blankets, but I had Gram’s hand. The second her skin touched mine, I started crying. Again.
“Oh, my sweet girl.” Concern welled in her voice as she ran the fingers of her other hand through my hair. “What’s going on? Are these water works because of me? I told you I’m fine. The doctors think it’s just an iron deficiency. A few vitamins and I’ll be good as new.”
I nodded and took a shaky breath.
“Hey. Look at me,” she gently encouraged.
When I raised my head, she cupped my cheek. “What is it, sweet pea? What’s going on?”
And that was all it took for the floodgates to burst open.
“I just… I went to JJ’s this morning to tell him…tell him that I couldn’t keep doing this…whatever we were doing. I couldn’t live in limbo anymore. I needed to know what was going on between us. And before I even made it to the front door…when I pulled up, I felt this feeling, like I was home. I’ve only ever felt that when I pull up in front of your house.
“That was bad enough but then he opened the door and he was practically naked.” Gram’s eyes widened and I knew I was digressing and not doing a very good job of explaining this, trying to get back on track I explained. “I mean he’d just gotten out of the shower and he had a towel on, but it threw me anyways. And then, well, I had prepared a whole speech and had myself all prepared for it to go one way, and then it didn’t.”
I sniffed, and Gram handed me a tissue. It wasn’t lost on me that she was the one in the hospital bed and the tissue-handing should’ve been the other way around. Still, it didn’t stop me from continuing.
“It went better than I thought. He told me he loved me and I told him that I loved him and then…well…” I paused knowing that she probably didn’t need a play by play of what had happened then. “Then…everything happened so fast and Travis and Cooper were at the door and we had to go to the press conference.
“Which is where I saw your missed calls. But, as soon as I saw them, I called back and Mr. Rogers answered. He told me that you’d had a fall, and then, when I was leaving, I heard…I heard JJ talking to his publicist about paternity tests and I saw a picture of a little boy that’s probably two or so, and he looks just like JJ and his brothers.
“Then I came here, and they wheeled you in. And I know you’re okay, but seeing you in this hospital bed… It’s just… You’re all I have, Gram. You’re it. I need you. I can’t lose you, Gram. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I cried.
“Oh now, I’m fine. You don’t worry about me. God and I have an understanding, and I’m not going anywhere.”
Gram had been saying that to me since I was little and I used to worry about where I would go if something happened to her.
“As far as JJ, what did he say when you asked him about the boy?”
Lifting my shoulders, I shook my head. “I didn’t ask. I just…I just left to come here.”
I didn’t mention the fact that when I’d seen his number pop up on my phone, I’d sent it straight to voicemail. Twice. And I hadn’t returned any of the multiple texts he’d sent me.
Gram made a noncommittal noise. A noise I knew all too well. It was the noise she made right before she set someone straight.
In the past, that noise had not been my favorite thing to hear. But today? Today, I was so relieved to hear it. I would welcome anything that would give me a clue as to what to do.
“Well, it seems to me that, until you have a face-to-face with JJ, there’s not much to do except for jump to conclusions. You can let your imagination run wild as horses or you can rein it in and save your energy to deal with the facts when you have them.”
I knew she was right. “But what if it’s true? What if he has a son, a son he obviously knew about, at least the possibility of, before now and he never told me. Then what?”
“Then he has a son. So?” Gram shrugged as if it were no big deal.
“So?! He didn’t tell me.” I couldn’t believe she was acting so nonchalant about this. “Just like he didn’t tell me about retiring and God only knows what else. Don’t you see the pattern here?”
“Right. He didn’t tell you.” Letting out a sigh and looking down, she splayed her fingers over the blue blanket covering her lap. When her gaze rose again, she locked it on mine. “Let me ask you something? When would have been a good time to tell you that?”
I stared blankly at her. Was she actually taking his side?
Before I had a chance to answer, she continued. “Let’s start with retiring. The two of you have been sniffing around each other, but you even said yourself you went to his house this morning to confront him because you didn’t know what was going on between you two. Have you ever thought that maybe he didn’t know, either? That maybe he’s just as scared about the two of you as you are? That he’s trying to do the best by you and that means protecting you from decisions like retiring so that you don’t have to shoulder the burden of that decision for the rest of your life?”
That is basically what he’d said a week ago in my kitchen.
“Let’s say he had discussed it with you. Whatever decision he made, you would have thought you’d had a hand in it. Do you think he would ever want you to feel like you were responsible for him leaving baseball?
“As far as whether or not he’s a daddy. I have to ask again: When would have been a good time to spring that one on you? It sounds like you two just ironed out what you mean to each other. Then everything ‘happened fast.’ Did he have any time to tell you about it? And what if he’s not the daddy? He upsets you and risks something that’s not even on solid ground because of something he’s not even certain about?
“It seems to me that you are looking at this from one side and one side only. Did you ever stop to think that JJ might have good reasons for the things he does?”
No. No, I didn’t. I kept my answer to myself.
“So, sweet pea, you need to ask yourself: Do you love him?”
Gram might have said that I needed to ask “myself” that, but she expected an answer. So I nodded.
“And do you trust him?”
Trust. That was such a big word. The same one he’d asked me on the Fourth before we’d had sex. Did I trust JJ? The answer came through loud and clear.
“Yes.”
“Well then, the rest you two can work out together. Because I know for a fact that boy loves you somethin’ fierce. And the rest… Well, listen. I’ve been on this earth a lot of years, and what I’ve learned is…life is messy. Love is messy. All you can hope to do in this life is find someone to get through the messy with. Someone who can make you laugh through the messy. Who stands beside you through the messy. Who holds you up when you can’t hold yourself up in the messy. Who loves being in the messy with you.”
I was sure there was a lot to say, but for the life of me, I couldn’t find the brain power to figure it out.
“And it doesn’t hurt if they can kiss like the dickens and are good with their hands, too.” She winked at me.
I laughed. Maybe my picker wasn’t as bad as I’d thought, because there was no one else I’d rather be in the messy with than JJ. He always made me laugh. He definitely could kiss like the dickens. And his hands… Yeah, he was good with his hands.
So, why was I terrified?
Instead of trying to come up with an answer on my own, I figured Gram was on a roll and I might as well get as much mileage out of it as I could. “Okay, so, why am I so scared?”
As she patted my hand, her eyes filled with compassion. “Oh, sweet pea. You’re scared because it’s scary to love someone like that. Totally. Completely. But I’ll let you in on a secret: It’s worth it, even if it’s not forever. There are no promises in this world. Sometimes, people you love are taken away from you, and sometimes, they leave for their own reasons. But, either way, it’s worth it.
“I lost my first love after only dating for a year. I lost your great-grandfather after being married for forty-five years. My daughter left when she was twenty-four. And your mama was taken from us when she was only nineteen. And, as hard as it’s been to lose the great loves of my life, I wouldn’t change a single moment I shared with any of them even if it meant that I didn’t feel the pain I had when they were gone. Love is always worth it.”
Whoa. I had never considered what she’d been through. How was that possible? How could I have been so self-involved that it had never even crossed my mind?
“I’m sorry, Gram,” I sniffed as I leaned over her bed, pulling her into a tight hug.
She rubbed my back and squeezed me tight. “Nothing to be sorry about, sweet pea. I still have you, and you are one of the greatest loves of my life.”
“I love you, Gram.” I took in a shaky breath against her shoulder.
“I love you too, sweet pea.”
Behind me, someone cleared their throat, and I raised my head. Mr. Rogers was standing in the doorway.
“Sorry to interrupt, but, Destiny, there are two knuckleheads in the waiting room and I think you may want to head down and take care of it before one of them ends up in jail.”
“Knuckleheads?” I repeated.
“JJ and Brady are not seeing eye to eye on who exactly has the right to be here.”
Oh, dear lord.
“What did I say?” Gram squeezed my hand as she winked at me. “Messy.”
Smiling, I bent over to kiss her on the cheek. Then something occurred to me. In her ear, I whispered, “I didn’t know you and Mr. Rogers had morning walks.”
“My messy is my business.” She patted my hand. “Now, go get yours.”
When I walked past Mr. Rogers, he had a huge bouquet of flowers behind his back. I hadn’t made it two steps down the hall before I heard Gram telling him that he shouldn’t have made a fuss, but the happiness in her voice told a different story. As I rounded the corner towards the waiting room, I knew that Gram was right, and if she could still give messy a chance, then I had no excuse.