LENA
“We can’t not go to the Studio Ghibli Museum. Why haven’t we gone yet? Shame on us.”
“Studio Ghibli Museum,” Amos typed, adding it to the list on his phone that kept on growing.
We’d just woken up, sleepy and hungover, and had started making plans for our trip. We didn’t want to leave our comfortable cocoon.
The night before had been incredible.
My heart had never felt so light. Everyone around us was happy. I’d had entirely too much to drink, but I didn’t care. I replayed all the memories, all the incredible things we’d witnessed throughout the day.
I thought about having my picture taken with Rika-san, the two of us side by side in a dress and a suit made out of Aiko covers.
How is this my life?
I stopped thinking about the previous night as Amos was waiting for me to tell him about other places I wanted to visit. I thought of one I’d wanted to go to for a long time.
“I definitely want to go to the old jazz bar Haruki Murakami used to own.”
Amos eyed me suspiciously.
“Murakami had a jazz bar?”
“Yes, before he became a full-time writer. It’s not far from here, but the jazz bar isn’t there anymore. It’s a diner now.”
“Why do you want to go, then?” Amos asked with a certain air of amusement.
“Just to see the place. I love his books. It’s where he came up with some of his novels.”
He laughed. “So, you want to go there to be inspired?”
I shrugged. “I just want to go there to say I’ve been there.”
We were planning on traveling south, going to Nara, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki. We had two weeks and wanted to go everywhere and see everything, but it was the middle of the winter, and a bitter one at that. Snow had been pummeling the northern regions.
“Maybe we should try to go north. We should go to Nikko before we leave. It’s so pretty when it snows. Plus, I know the most ridiculous place we could stay at. Maggie and I slept in this hostel with no central heat or air. It was an old house, maybe even older than this one.”
“No way, lady. If we’re going on a romantic getaway, we’re staying in a nice place.”
“But this place was the best! I mean, it was nothing fancy, but I still remember when I woke up that morning and the snow was falling in big, fluffy flakes. It was so pretty. We were in the old house, it was snowing, and everything looked…magical.”
Amos smiled at me, amused, waiting for me to go on.
“Plus, there was this old lady who only knew a few words of English and she wouldn’t try to speak to us in Japanese even though we told her we spoke some. There were wooden bunk beds with seven—no, eight blankets, no mattresses.”
“No mattresses?” Amos asked, horrified.
“Nope. You were supposed to put four blankets down then get in and put the remaining four on top of you.”
“That’s the strangest hostel I’ve ever heard of. And you want to go back there?”
“That’s not all—the way she explained it? That was the best part.”
“Why?” he said with a laugh.
“Because she went like this: ‘One-two-three-four-inside-five-six-seven-eight.’ She repeated this over and over to make sure we got it, and Maggie and I couldn’t stop laughing when she left our room. It was all we could talk about for days on end, and that whole thing, one-two-three-four-whatever, was all we repeated over and over.”
“If you really want to go visit the place, we can stay there, but if I’m going to be as uncomfortable as I was sleeping on the tatami, you’re going to pay for it.”
“Fine.” I considered it for a moment, and then I realized something. “On second thought, that old lady is probably dead. She won’t even be there.”
“You can’t know that. Aren’t Japanese people known for their longevity? Give the old lady from Nikko some credit. Maybe she’s still there.”
He smiled, and I hated to admit to myself just how smitten I was with him.
He just had to smile, and my chest warmed up with a hopeful feeling, chasing away anything negative.
“You know what? I really, really l—”
My words were interrupted by a scream coming from the other side of the house.
There was another scream a few seconds later.
It didn’t sound like Rika-san. It was definitely Akane.
A dull ache spread through my chest, realizing something bad must have happened.
Amos stared at me with a look of confusion and worry, and we both got out of bed and threw some clothes on.
We left our room and found Hiroyuki consoling Akane in the hallway.
“What happened? Akane, doushitano? Daijoubudesuka?” I asked if she was okay and what had happened, but she didn’t even look at me, rocking back and forth, curled up on the floor while Hiroyuki kept trying to console her.
“Hiroyuki, what’s going on? What happened?”
Where is Rika in all this?
When tragedy strikes, there is that brief moment when you refuse to believe reality. Your brain immediately goes into the phase of denial, and you keep telling yourself that every clue that points to the worst is not true and you are simply imagining things.
At least, that’s what I was telling myself as I entered the room Rika and Hiroyuki occupied. Then I looked inside and found Rika-san lying on the floor, lifeless, next to an empty bottle of pills.
The tears came first, hot and heavy. Nothing could have stopped them. They came down with the force of a flooding river. However, I didn’t realize I was screaming until Amos wrapped his arms around me from behind and started whispering sweet words to try to calm me down. I tried to get out of his hold. I wanted to kneel down next to Rika-san and shake her awake.
I knew she had to be dead, but at the same time, I refused to accept it.
I cried and cried, imploring Amos to let me go, to let me touch her.
Between me kicking and screaming and Akane rocking on the floor, we made for quite a dramatic scene.
The scene in front of my eyes broke my heart, and I couldn’t wrap my head around what I was witnessing.
Why, why, why?
Why had she done it?
Why now?
She had given her heroines an ending, and by the looks of things, the royalties from the last three volumes alone were going to be enough to make a good living.
What in the world had possessed her to do something like that?
“Amos, please, let me go. I need to touch her,” I said in a raspy voice when I finally stopped screaming hysterically.
He slowly released me, caressing my shoulders to comfort me.
I took the four steps that separated me from Rika-san slowly.
I knelt down next to her body, which looked even smaller now that it was void of life. I took one of her cold hands and gave it a gentle squeeze, despite knowing she wasn’t there anymore. I leaned across and hugged her gently, secretly hoping we were all wrong.
“Oh, why did you do this? You crazy woman,” I whispered, my voice trembling.
I didn’t know how long I sat next to her, crying, before Amos and Hiroyuki lifted me up and made me sit in the living room, next to Akane.
Hiroyuki placed a cup of hot tea in front of each of us.
I stared at the steam rising from the cup, unable to move, unable to say anything.
Tears filled my eyes again, making my vision blurry.
My throat was dry, and I wanted a sip of the hot tea, but I couldn’t bring myself to move a finger. Akane was sitting next to me, crying quietly. She wasn’t touching her tea either.
I overheard Hiroyuki call the police, and that’s when I lost it again.
I started sobbing, fresh tears streaming down my face. I was sad, and at the same time, filled with rage.
Why? I couldn’t understand it. I got up and went to the boxes where we had packed a bunch of extra, unused material and started tearing every piece of paper I came across.
Why, why, why?
Why did she have to do this to us? Why did she have to do it now? Why did she do this to Hiroyuki? How could she do this to him?
How could she want to die the week her best-selling comic was about to break all records?
She obviously didn’t care about anyone or anything.
Only about herself.
I felt guilty for thinking that, but I didn’t understand why she would do something like this now. Why now?
Eventually, Amos was able to calm me down and make me listen to reason. I came down from my bout of rage and he walked me back to my room, trying to make me lie down.
I suddenly felt empty. I had no energy left.
My emotions ruled me, my mood changing drastically in a matter of seconds.
I went from sadness, to rage, to despair.
I had lost a friend before, and this was just as bad.
Why had Rika done it? Didn’t she have enough to live for?
I lay down on my side and stretched my hand to reach Amos’. His warmth comforted me, but the ache in the middle of my chest somehow hurt even more. I was mad at myself because I couldn’t be stronger. I was mad at myself because I could see in his eyes that he was worried sick about me.
“Give her this, Amos. She will calm down.”
I stared at the pill as Hiroyuki handed it to Amos, who held it in the palm of his hand.
“I’m not really sure she needs it,” Amos said.
“I want to take it,” I replied.
Hello Valium, my old friend…
I spent the rest of the day in bed, dozing off from time to time, feeling numb, empty. I heard the police come first, and then a couple of different people. I could only hear a few things here and there, but I understood from the formal tone of the conversations that officials had been called in to inspect the scene.
There was no foul play, no crime, just another person struggling with what life had become for her.
What she had wasn’t enough to make her happy.
My tears came and went unrestricted, drops falling from my eyes across the bridge of my nose as I lay on my side.
I closed my eyes…fell asleep.
Opened my eyes as someone checked my pulse…a Japanese man in his sixties—the medical examiner, perhaps?
How sweet of him to check on me.
“Hello,” I mumbled, managing to smile in my drug-induced daze. He gave me a sympathetic smile, and then he turned to speak to someone else.
Hiroyuki? Amos?
Amos.
I was going to scare him away, wasn’t I? He hadn’t gotten to see the melodramatic side of Lena Andrews yet.
He wasn’t going to stay.
He was going to run far away the first chance he got.
“Amos,” I said in a whisper.
My heart clenched, and the thought of losing him made me feel even more petrified than I already felt.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I mumbled.
As I drifted back to sleep, a hand reached out for mine and held it. The warmth of it was soothing, comforting. As sleep enveloped me again, I thought I heard a voice say, “You’re not going to.”
I hadn’t had Valium in a very long time.
I remembered being heavily sedated after Maggie died. When I’d woken up in the hospital in Japan and realized my best friend was gone, I was in the worst shape ever. Obviously, I didn’t react well.
I was hysterical.
They had to restrain me and drug me so I wouldn’t hurt myself and open my stitches. Days later, when I woke up much calmer thanks to the sedatives, someone explained to me that they’d removed my spleen because it had ruptured in the impact.
My left leg was also broken and had to be in a cast that went above my knee.
They had an array of doctors and nurses try to talk to me, but after I asked them about Maggie and they confirmed she was dead, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I wasn’t on my best behavior.
I almost wished they could give me enough sedative to put me to sleep forever.
I was finally discharged when someone from the exchange student office at my university picked me up to help me get home.
I opened my eyes and listened to the voices coming from the hall. I looked at my clothes. I was wearing gray sweats and a white tee, the first two things I’d found when we heard Akane scream.
I opened my closet and put on a black t-shirt and black jeans.
I brushed my hair and reluctantly looked at my reflection in the mirror as my mind was flooded with the same questions.
Why had she done it?
Why now? Was her plan all along to make a dramatic exit on release week?
The house was full of people I didn’t recognize, but upon further inspection, I realized some were friends of Ishikawa who had come to one of the parties we’d had.
I scanned all the rooms until I found him sitting in the living room, next to a few people from Supaa–.
His warm but worried smile was the only thing instilling some life in me at the moment. He got up and took me in his arms just as fresh new tears spilled from my eyes.
A muffled sob escaped my lips, and his arms tightened around me.
“Shhh. It’s going to be okay, Lena. It’s going to be okay.”
AMOS
It’s hard to convince your loved ones things are going to be okay when it doesn’t look like it. Rika’s suicide was hard for Lena to swallow. For a couple of days, I doubted I could make her feel better. It was as if she’d slipped back into old habits, Rika-san’s death having reopened the wounds of losing Maggie years before.
Her eyes were empty, vacant. She barely listened to anything Hiroyuki or I told her. Nothing could console her.
Part of me understood it.
Rika Ishikawa had been her inspiration, the artist she looked up to her entire life.
To lose her like that, right then, after we had just finished drawing Aiko, felt too personal. Lena wouldn’t say it out loud, but I knew what she was thinking: she thought it was her fault. She thought we had played a part in Rika’s decision.
I was confused and surprised by Rika taking her own life. She had seemed like a strong, determined woman, despite her illness.
I thought especially now that the most important work of her life was completed and money was no longer going to be an issue, she was going to relax and enjoy the next few years with Hiroyuki.
I was wrong.
Hiroyuki looked very sad, but there was a certain air of resignation in his actions, as if it was something he wasn’t entirely surprised by.
I’d see him wipe his tears from time to time, but I hadn’t seen him have a full meltdown. True, not everyone reacts to death in the same way, but he’d always seemed like such a sensitive soul, so I expected him to look and act more devastated than he was.
Instead, he seemed levelheaded most of the time, taking care of every single detail of the funeral arrangements.
Two days after Rika-san’s death, he showed us a suicide note she had left.
A teary Lena read it to me with the help of Hiroyuki.
Minna-sama, the letter started.
Dear all,
As much as it pains me to write this letter because it means I have made my final decision and am ready to leave this world behind, it’s much harder for me to live every day of my life without my art.
For the last few years, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to draw again as I have done all my life, and trying to accept that nearly broke my heart.
I hope you’ll be so kind to forgive my selfishness.
Now that Aiko is completed, my soul feels ready. It’s time for me to cross the bridge.
I am so grateful for all you’ve done for me through the years. I am so thankful to my readers, my publisher, and my assistant, Akane—the best assistant I could ever ask for.
Hiroyuki, we never wanted to get married because traditional marriage was not for us. Even though I was never your wife by law, you were always my husband to me. Thank you for taking care of me. I love you more than I can say. Please find yourself a good woman who will take care of you this time around.
Lena-san, stop living in the past and embrace your future. You’re talented, beautiful, and healthy. Don't let life pass you by, and don’t let go of that handsome guy who wants to give you the whole world.
Amos-san, be patient with that one. I wish you all the best in your career.
I am not sorry to go, but I am sorry to do this right now.
It is no one’s fault. I am ready.
I hope the god Enma will have mercy on my soul.
Those of you who still can, make art.
“Hiroyuki had to know,” I told Lena later that night.
She had been feeling a little better, but from time to time she would disappear, staring into space, not talking or listening. I knew she was still trying to understand why Rika had committed suicide.
Lena snapped at my words. “What do you mean Hiroyuki knew?”
“Think about it. The night of the party, remember how we thought it was strange he was sticking around and sent her home alone? When has he ever done anything like that? Have you ever seen him leaving her for more than a quick errand?”
“She told him.”
“She must have. She made sure he would be with other people, witnesses, so there could be no suspicion of him being involved in any way. Now it makes even more sense…”
“What makes sense?”
“Hiroyuki slept on the couch in the den when we got back from karaoke. He said he didn’t want to wake Rika, but it was because that way no one would find Rika-san until the morning.”
“Do you really think he knew? But if so, why did he let her? Why did he let her take her own life, Amos?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t ever—” I stopped midsentence and gave her a long look. I could never agree to something like that if Lena were the one suggesting it. I could never give up on her like that.
But that was not how Lena saw it. She didn’t see Hiroyuki as weak or guilty.
She said he was simply resigned.
“If you love someone with all your heart, you keep trying until there is no more hope. Hiroyuki had to know there was no changing her mind. I guess sometimes there is nothing we can do to stop the people we love from making terrible decisions. Sometimes no amount of love can heal their pain.”
She pursed her lips, trying to hold back her tears.
“I miss her,” she said in a choked voice.
“I know, Lena. I know.”