The drive back to Brandi’s apartment was quiet. Declan couldn’t make sense of the emotions swirling inside him and it left him feeling off kilter. He had met Caitlyn, had spent time with her and had liked her a great deal, but surely grief was reserved for those closest to her. Surely her death shouldn’t have such a profound impact on him… except that somehow it did. He’d never had anyone really close to him die. His grandparents of course, but it wasn’t the same when he’d known they’d lived long and fulfilled lives. Caitlyn hadn’t even begun to live hers. It made him question his own life and what the actual fuck he was doing with it.

Declan had grown up in a world of privilege and excess. He’d never wanted for anything. Even his burning desire to build an empire separate from his family’s had been more out of rebellion than anything else and he hadn’t had to struggle to achieve it. Sure, it hadn’t all been plain sailing. He’d bought his first dilapidated hotel with no actual clue as to what he was doing. He’d stayed in hotels but had never worked in one and knew nothing about what went on behind the scenes. His strength, if that’s what you could call it, was knowing the right people to gather around him in order to make his dream a reality. He had relied on the skills of others and learned what he needed to along the way. He had achieved more than most people ever would but in the light of Caitlyn’s death it all seemed so insignificant.

He wasn’t used to feeling this…self-awareness.

He played a part; he was the perennial Peter Pan who never wanted to grow up. It didn’t take a psychologist to help him understand that being the youngest and seeing what happened to his siblings as they matured had made him into this man-child. He didn’t want to share their fate and had played on his boyish charm to hold off the heavy mantle of responsibility that came with being a Mayfield. He knew that as soon as he showed the signs of having tired of his childish pursuits, the shackles would clamp around him and bind him to a future that he had been running from all is life.

But in the aftermath of Caitlyn’s funeral, he realised that none of it meant anything in the long run. When he died he couldn’t take it with him, so what was the point of striving over it now? When he died, the only thing left behind would be a pile of money and several piles of bricks and mortar. An empty shell of what he slaved over to build and it wouldn’t matter who had controlling interest in it then because he would be gone.

Brandi reached over the console and took his hand in hers. It jolted him out of his spiral.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked softly.

“Nothing,” he lied, not willing to burden her with his feelings of futility. “You?”

She sighed and looked out the window of the car. “I was just thinking of how I can honour Caitlyn’s memory,” she said. “Caitlyn was such a special girl with such a big heart and I feel like I want to somehow immortalise her.” She shrugged. “I don’t know, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud.”

“No,” he said, his voice tight, “it doesn’t sound stupid at all.” He took a breath. “Do you know what I was thinking about?” She looked over at him, curiosity in her eyes. “I was thinking about how everything I’ve achieved means nothing. I’ve made money and built a billion dollar business, but what does any of it mean? Caitlyn lived for such a short time and yet,” it was his turn to sigh, “and yet, she had such a big impact on those around her.”

He pulled the car up to the curb, parking in front of her building and turning to look at her. A tear slipped from her eye and trickled down her cheek. He caught it on the end of his finger and looked down at the small drop of salty water.

“Come on,” he said softly, “let’s go inside.”

She followed him meekly into the building and snuggled into his side as they rode the elevator up to her floor. She handed over her keys and he let them into the apartment. He walked over to her living space and sat, pulling her down on his lap. He cuddled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and breathing her in. He kissed the top of her head and felt her stiff resolve break. She sobbed quietly into his chest and he smoothed his hand over her back, whispering nonsense words into her hair as she cried. He felt her grief, separate from his own. He had only known Caitlyn a short time but she had impacted him. Brandi had known her longer and he felt the way her heart broke for the little girl who had been her friend. He held her tightly, physically but also metaphorically, wanting her to know that he had her, that she could let down all her defences and he would be there to hold her together.

He was swamped with the need to care for her. He’d felt it last week when she was sick and there was nothing he could do, but today, now, as she mourned, he felt it more acutely. He hated that she hurt, it was almost a physical pain in his chest when he thought about the pain she was feeling. He wanted to take it from her, to carry the burden of grief that weighed her down. He wanted to ease her suffering in any way that he could. The yearning to make her world right again was so fierce that it almost made him gasp.

Brandi turned her tear-soaked eyes up to him and his heart clenched with everything he was feeling. She stretched up and brushed her lips against his and he felt like he could breathe again, not realising that he had stopped.

“I need you,” she whispered against his lips, “I need you to make me feel alive again.”

The need to have Declan was overwhelming. One part of her brain screamed at her and told her that it was completely inappropriate to want to make love after such a harrowing event and yet…there was another part of her that needed to remind herself that she was still alive. Whether it was a primal urge to procreate when death was threatened or some other twisted need, Brandi couldn’t deny that she wanted Declan to make her forget the pain she was feeling. She wanted to escape the empty feeling inside her that she knew only he could fill. She knew it would be fleeting and that at the end of it all that feeling of emptiness would return, but she needed it filled for now, for just a short time so that she could feel alive and human and not some numb parody of what she used to be.

He looked down at her with such tenderness that it warmed her all over. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice husky and his eyes dark with desire, mirroring hers.

“Yes,” she breathed and kissed him again.

He stood up and carried her to the bedroom where he laid her out and watched her as he pulled off his tie and kicked off his shoes. There was something intense simmering between them. In times past when they had come together there had been an abandonment, a fun that infused the atmosphere, but today was different. There was desire, yes, but there was something heavier, deeper. Something more.

Brandi wriggled out of her dress and underwear while Declan continued to undress. When he stood before her, naked, she took in her first full breath all day. This. This was what she needed. He rested one knee on the bed and reached for her bedside where he had placed a condom packet. She reached over and stilled his hand.

“Not today,” she said softly. “I need to feel all of you today.”

He frowned down at her and she could tell he was conflicted. He wanted her without anything between them as much as she did, but he wanted to make sure.

“I’m on the pill,” she assured him, “and I’m clean…I…I just need—”

He silenced her with a kiss. “I’m clean too,” he said as he positioned himself over her, covering her body with his.

She closed her eyes at the sensation of his warm, bare skin as it settled over her. She wanted to be completely surrounded by him - his touch, his scent, the sound of his breathing, the intensity of his eyes.

“Open your eyes, Brandi,” he whispered and she did, gazing up into his hazel depths, drinking him in.

He slid into her slowly, taking his time, his eyes not leaving her, his gaze anchoring her to him as they joined together as one. She had never really understood that phrase before, but now, with Declan seeing into her very soul as he connected them intimately, she got it. Something changed between them in that moment. That heaviness that had been in the air settled around them like a cloak and she felt bound to him in that moment.

“Brandi.” Her name on his breath was a caress and her eyes fluttered closed as he began to move.

She wrapped herself around him, not wanting any air to get between their bodies. Legs tangled and arms vice-like around his shoulders, she moved with him. His breath was hot in her ear as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She opened her mouth on the plump muscle of his shoulder, tasting him and inhaling the smell of his skin. Wrapped up in Declan like this, there was no space for anything else. There was no pain, no grief, no sadness. There was just him and the way he made her feel. He punched through the bubble of numbness that had surrounded her and for the first time in what felt like years but was only days, her senses came alive. Feeling rushed in, swamping her. Colours were brighter, sounds were sharper, the feel of skin on skin was amplified. She could smell his aftershave and that very essence that was his and his alone. The salty taste of his skin exploded on her tongue and she squeezed her eyes shut as he drove her higher. He nipped at her neck as he thrust into her and she cried out. She dug her nails into the skin of his back and he grunted with the sharp pain, returning the favour in kind with a sharp bite to her shoulder. Her tender nipples were abraded by the light hairs on his chest as they rocked together and she was now on overload. Too many sensations, too much sensory input. It sent her reeling, careening over the edge and into a violent climax that had her body trembling with the force of her release. Declan followed her over, his cock throbbing deep within her as he came, a guttural cry wrenched from his throat.

He rolled them over, still inside her, and held her tightly. It was only then that she realised she was crying. He kept her cocooned in his arms, rocking her gently. She took comfort in him, in his strength and solidness as he surrounded her and kept her safe. She let go of the tension that she had been holding onto and let the grief take her, knowing that Declan would be there to put her back together when she was ready.

Declan watched Brandi sleep. He’d woken up a little while ago, the deep satisfaction of waking up next to her causing him to stop and stare at the woman who was so different to anyone he had ever known. Maybe it wasn’t so much that she was different; it probably had more to do with the fact that she caused him to think and feel differently. He’d never known the deep desire to get to know someone so completely. He wanted to know her fears and dreams. He wanted to crawl inside her and know her thoughts, her motivations. For now, he contented himself with just watching her.

The sun was starting to set and the light in the room turned a deep gold tinged with pink. He could imagine that the sunset outside was something to behold, but it could never match the beauty before his eyes. Brandi was beautiful in more than just the anaesthetically pleasing way her features were arranged. There was something about her that pulsed with energy and effused her being with something beautiful beyond just the way she looked. He was ashamed to admit that it was her face and her body that had first caught his eye, but it hadn’t taken him long to see that there was more below the surface. He had dated beautiful women before and sometimes that beauty was only skin deep. Not always, he conceded, as he had also known beautiful women who were nice people, but Brandi surpassed them all.

He wondered at the clichés that swirled in his brain. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and she was the kindest and most genuine woman he’d ever met. But were those things a universal truth or just because they had somehow connected on another plane? Did loving Brandi make him see her a certain way or did he love her because of what he saw? It was conundrum that he’d never had to analyse before because he had never felt this depth of emotion for anyone. Ever.

Loving her made him want to be more too. He wanted to be more than what the world saw on the outside. He was good-looking and wealthy and he had a good head for business, but what else was there to him? What could she possibly see in him that she might return his feelings? He was shallow and immature and he was too much of a coward to stand up to his family. Oh, he talked a good game and put up a decent front about his breaking away from the family and striking out on his own, but deep down he knew that some part of him craved their acceptance. He wanted to please his mother. He wanted his father to be proud of him. In some twisted way, he’d thought that setting up his own company and becoming a success would earn him the grudging respect from them that he craved. Only that hadn’t happened. Instead they’d smiled indulgently at him, patted him on the head and given him a ‘good boy,’ but always there was the knowledge that he would come back to them, that he would take his place in the family company just as was expected of him.

And deep inside himself he knew he would too.

It had always been there in the back of his mind. He may have started his own company, but there were still invisible bonds that tethered him to his family. They would eventually reel him in and The Mayfield Group would get swallowed into the MLS juggernaut. Oh, they would let him stay as the CEO and give him some semblance of control, but he would know that it was just a façade. He would never be autonomous and neither would his company.

He hated that he was weak when it came to his family. He hated that they knew he was weak and that they were just biding their time. They wouldn’t pressure him, they knew they didn’t have to. He was a Mayfield and he would fall into line eventually if they were just patient.

He traced the curve of Brandi’s face with his eyes, his fingers tingling with the need to touch her soft skin. He held them in check though, because he didn’t want to wake her. Instead, he drank her in with his eyes all the while knowing that what they had was finite. It wouldn’t last forever. He couldn’t tell her he loved her, couldn’t admit that she was the only woman he wanted to be with for the rest of his life because in doing so he would also have to tell her that they could never have a future. His family would pull him away from her. Telling her how he felt about her would only make it worse for both of them. The best thing he could do was to get up and leave now before he fell any further under her spell.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave her when she needed him. He couldn’t break her heart now when it had just been broken by losing Caitlyn. He wasn’t that callous. And besides, he couldn’t go against a little girl’s dying wish. She’d asked him to look after Brandi and he would do that. He would love her without telling her. If he didn’t say the words then it wasn’t real and when she was back on her feet, he would walk away. It’s what would be best for both of them.

Brandi’s eyes fluttered open and looked up at him. The raw emotion he saw in them tore at his resolve. There was utter trust there, and love. He saw it and it broke his heart into little tiny pieces as he realised just what he would be giving up for the chance of finally getting the acceptance from his family that he so desperately craved. In that moment, he knew he would never love anyone else. Brandi was it for him even if he could never have her.

“Hey,” she whispered, her voice croaky from sleep.

“Hey,” he replied before closing the distance between them and kissing her.