Chapter Thirty-One
West
Sunday afternoon, while my mother sat reading in her room and my father went grocery shopping, I snuck into the living room to empty out some boxes. I climbed into the small area I’d cleared in the middle and opened one of the unmarked containers. My dad hadn’t started using a Sharpie on everything until the furniture was covered, so I had no idea what I’d find, which was slightly frightening.
Inside the container, I found cardboard tubes from rolls of paper towels and a small wooden chest. That was odd. Why put a box in a box? I opened the chest to see doll clothes, which was weird since no one in this house had ever played with dolls. Must be something my mom had picked up at a garage sale. I shoved the cardboard tubes in one bag and the clothes in another. Since the clothes looked brand new, I’d drop them off at Goodwill.
“West, what are you doing?”
I froze. How had my father crept up on me like that? “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“It looks like you’re trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.” He chuckled like it was a joke. I didn’t think it was funny.
“I have to try.” I met his gaze. “One of us has to try. She doesn’t even know what’s in these tubs. So why keep this crap?”
“It’s not her fault,” he said.
“I understand, but we shouldn’t have to live like this.” I pointed toward the area where I thought the couch still was. “We should be able to sit in the living room, like normal people.”
“You won’t live here forever,” he said. “You’ll go away to college, and then you’ll have your own house. Live your own life. In the meantime, don’t upset the balance of your mom’s life…and mine.”
We’d never talked about college. “True, but I haven’t heard back from any of the scholarships I applied for, so I don’t even know if I can go to school.”
He blinked at me like he didn’t understand what I’d said. “We never talked about this, but I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?”
“You have a college fund. We started it when you were born. It won’t pay for Ivy League, but it will get you through a state school.”
I was caught somewhere between relieved and angry. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He waved his hands at all the boxes. “I was a little preoccupied.”
“Right.” I could be mad, or I could accept this as the gift it was. I slumped back against a stack of boxes. “Thank you. You have no idea what a relief that is.”
“You need to put those back.” My dad pointed at the frilly dresses.
“Why would she want doll clothes?”
“Those aren’t for dolls,” he said with a catch in his voice. “Those were meant for your sister.”
The room seemed to shift around me. “Sister?”
He rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at the floor. “You were too young to realize what was going on at the time, but your mom…she miscarried when you were two years old. We tried again after that, but things didn’t go as planned. We could have gone to specialists, but your mom refused. She said if it was meant to be, it would happen.”
This was way out of my league. I had no idea what to say except, “I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “Me, too. Anyway, I’m making spaghetti. Why don’t you put all of that back and help with the salad.”
The dresses I folded and put neatly back in the wooden chest before replacing them in the box, but the bag of cardboard tubes I kept out. “I’m going to put these in the recycling bin.”
“It’s not worth upsetting your mother,” he said. “Just put it all back.”
I needed to tread lightly. “I have a recurring nightmare that while I’m sleeping, the house sinks into the ground because there’s so much junk in it. And I’m trapped…we’re all trapped underground with all this garbage…and we can’t escape.”
“You will escape,” he said. “Put those back and come help with dinner.”
Feeling defeated, I shoved the cardboard back in the storage box and snapped the lid shut.
Once dinner was on the table, I hollered for my mother because there were times I couldn’t face seeing her perched on her bed amid the chaos. In the kitchen, she looked sort of normal, or I could pretend she did.
She joined us, smiling a normal-person smile. I’d take that for now.
I ate my spaghetti while I thought about the news my dad had given me. I didn’t have to win a scholarship. There was money to get me out of this house. The relief I felt at the thought of escaping this place made me feel guilty.
When my dad smiled and talked to my mom, he looked at her the same way he’d always looked at her—with love. Could my mom see the frustration on my face when I spoke to her? I hoped not. Maybe I should work on that—just accepting her as she was.
“How are things with Nina?” she asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I smiled. “Things are pretty good.”
“She has such a cute dog,” my mom said. “I’ve seen them playing Frisbee.”
“That’s Gidget.” I told my mom about how the dog was afraid of thunder.
“They sound like a nice family,” my mom said.
My dad was quiet.
“Does it still bother you that I’m seeing Nina?” I asked.
“As long as she doesn’t hit your car again, I’m okay with it,” he said.
…
Monday morning I sat in my car and waited for Nina to join me. She seemed to constantly run ten minutes late, no matter what we were doing. I’d finished my most recent book, so I was Googling ideas for anti-Valentine’s Day, which was coming up this Friday.
Apparently, there were a lot of angry women in the world because there were multiple suggestions on how to make voodoo dolls of your ex and suggestions for picture-burning parties. Funny, but this weekend, I’d realized how much my dad still loved my mom. It made me want to try harder to help him. Not that I wasn’t counting down the days until I could go away to school, but while I was here, I’d make more of an effort to be sympathetic.
The car door opened, and Nina smiled at me as she climbed in. “You look happy this morning.”
“Don’t I normally look happy?”
“No.” She set her bag on the floor and put on her seat belt. “You always look like you’re brooding or focusing on something, like you’re trying to solve a problem.”
Huh. Do other people see me that way? “Maybe I don’t look that way today because one of my problems has been solved. My dad and I talked about college and apparently, I have a college fund he never mentioned.”
Nina’s mouth dropped open for a second. “Why didn’t he tell you about that so you wouldn’t stress about scholarships?”
“I think he thought I knew. And at first I was mad about not knowing, but now I’m just happy the money is there.”
“I’m so happy for you,” she said. “Do you know where you want to go?”
I wanted to escape, but suddenly and surprisingly, I also felt the need to be close, in case my dad needed me. “I’m still not sure.”