Chapter Eighteen

Georgina

 

 

I woke up the next morning unable to breathe. I couldn’t force air into my lungs, and I sat in my bed with my mouth gaped open and my eyes bulging as I fought for air. Blurry blackness invaded my vision. My chest ached like I was having a heart attack.

I recognized it as an anxiety attack easily enough. I’d had my share. But even knowing that, there was always that inner voice whispering, this is it. This is how you die.

I counted out the seconds as I forced long, slow breaths, going through the relaxation techniques a counselor had taught me once. When my lungs worked again, I rolled over and burrowed back below the covers, wanting nothing more than to sleep forever. But I knew I had to get up.

I dressed in my comfiest jumper and leggings, and headed to the kitchen to eat the most decadent thing that could be found. The window was open, and a bubble floated inside. I stared at it in confusion, watching its rainbow swirls shimmer on the fragile surface until it popped in front of my face. Leaning out the window I saw the source: a couple walking with their toddler, who waved an automatic bubble-blower in the air as they went. It was such a joyous scene under the sparkling morning sun, with golden dandelions spotting the footpath around them. The world was so full of future and hope, out there.

Inside me, everything felt so desolate.

I rattled through the pantry until I found a box of praline chocolates and decided they would make a good breakfast, particularly paired with a half-empty tub of double cream I found in the fridge.

I was halfway through the box when Julie walked past, saw me eating them, and looked like a baby deer whose mother had just been shot.

“Shit,” I said out loud. “These aren’t mine, are they?”

“It’s all right,” she said, her voice flat. “You look like you need them more than me.”

I bristled at first, and then let it go. I could never get a reading on Julie because of how she talked. It was like she was being dismissive, or sarcastic, or just plain mean from her tone.

But what if she wasn’t? What if she just sounded like that? I tried to play that out, taking her words at face value, without any ulterior motive.

“I kind of do. Not sure there was ever a day that chocolate was more needed.”

Julie eyed me, her face half turned and suspicious. “I’ve got another stash. If you want it.”

“Do you want … Can we share them? Wow, I’m such a jerk—offering to share your chocolates with you. I’m sorry.”

Julie edged a step toward me. “I’ve never had chocolates for breakfast before. My parents are strict about when candy should be eaten.”

I jiggled the box at her, tantalizingly. “College is the time to be breaking rules.”

And just like that, Julie and I were sitting at either end of the couch, tucked under the same blanket with two mostly eaten boxes of chocolates between us.

It was amazing what chocolate could do. I’d always assumed Julie didn’t like me, but it was so clear to me now that that’d been my own way of keeping her at a distance. And here I was, accidently making new friends when it was a time when I most shouldn’t.

An image of Julie and her wide, brown eyes, crying for me at my funeral made me choke up.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, just chocolate going down the wrong way.” I swallowed, and shook my head. “No. That was a lie. I have become way too used to lying lately. I’m sorry, I’m an awful person. I’m going through some stuff, and I don’t want you to have to worry about me.”

Julie just shrugged. “You’re my housemate.”

As though that answered everything.

“I can’t believe this is the most we’ve ever really talked. What a waste of time, and chances for eating chocolate for breakfast together,” I said.

Julie’s expression didn’t change a bit. “I thought you didn’t like me.”

“No. You’re great. You’re the best flat mate I could have hoped for. I’ve just been all kinds of bitch lately.”

I put the empty chocolate box over on the coffee table and stood up from the lounge, stretching. “This has been really nice, but I’ve got somewhere to be today.”

“Do you want … someone to come with you?” Julie mumbled.

I smiled at her and her offer. Even if I couldn’t read her, she clearly had a read on me. But what I was about to do next wasn’t quite the kind of relationship I wanted with Julie. “Thanks, but I think I’ll be okay. Blake is helping me with this one.”

She smiled at the mention of his name. “He’s a nice guy. I’m glad he’s there for you.”

Julie stood up as well, standing still a few steps away from me. Then she wrapped awkward arms around me for barely a second and disappeared into her room again, and it was one of the best hugs I’d ever had.