Chapter Eleven
“May I come in, Davina?” Ailis asked when the maid opened the door to her stepmother’s chamber.
Davina nodded and she entered. She waited as Davina instructed the maid about the bairn and watched the girl leave. Her courage nearly buckled in the face of Davina’s welcome.
“Ye are always welcome here, Lis,” she said. “Always.” Davina motioned to a chair and waited for her to sit. “Would ye like something to drink?”
“Nay,” she replied. “I would just like to talk with ye.”
She’d gotten back to the keep just as her father sent word that she was to join them for the evening meal. Suspecting that her betrothal would be both broken and remade then, Ailis needed to speak to Davina first. She couldn’t leave here with a new husband without reestablishing peace between them. Davina sat abruptly as though expecting the worst. Clutching her hands, she watched Ailis and waited.
“Since Lachlan’s death, nay, since my mother’s, I have behaved terribly towards ye. Ye are correct. Ye have the right to seek yer own happiness and I have no right to begrudge ye that.”
Daring a glance, she saw the color drain from Davina’s face. But when her friend reached out and took Ailis’ hand, Ailis kept speaking. The words, the guilt, the fear poured out as if they had been waiting.
“It was easier to be hateful than accept the changes in my life. And easier to spurn yer attempts to make peace than consider yer needs. I was desperately unhappy, mired in my grief and couldna stop to think about anyone else.”
“What has brought this on, Lis?” Davina asked.
“Iain,” she replied. “And Lachlan.”
The soft sound of distress made her meet Davina’s gaze. She was ghostly pale now.
“Davina? Are ye well?” Ailis stood and fetched a cup from the table. Filling it with ale, she held it while Davina drank deeply.
“I am better now,” Davina said. “Iain made ye speak to me?”
“His arrival here made me question many things. The way he reacted to me and the position he found himself made me realize how terrible I have been,” she admitted. Ailis realized there was more to it than that. “’Twas time, Davina. ’Twas simply time for me to move on and let him go.”
It didn’t hurt as much when she spoke the words as she thought it would. Mayhap saying it to Lachlan had eased the way of it.
“Of Lachlan?” Davina questioned. “Or Iain?”
“Iain and I understood how it would be. Father wouldna allow a marriage between us. He was using Iain to pressure me to my duty. I,” she said, letting out a sigh, “I am ready to do that.”
“Did anything happen between ye and Iain?”
“Davina, I dinna think that is important.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew it was the wrong thing to say.
“Ye were attracted to him?” Davina’s previous distress was gone. She seemed to have regained her color and her interest.
“I found many things about him that. . . .”
Dare she admit the truth? A shared truth could bridge the distance between them.
“He reminded me of Lachlan in many ways, Davina. His mannerisms. The words he used. The way he stood.” Ailis paused as she remembered the last time she’d seen Lachlan. They had made love in that cottage. He laughed as she said something outrageous as she rode away. She never dreamt it would be the last time for them. “Iain made me think and forced me to consider how I have been treating ye.”
“Did Iain show ye his face? The injuries he sustained?”
“Nay,” Ailis said shaking her head. “I asked him to, but he wouldna.” She believed her friend’s words about not sharing her secrets with Ailis’ father. It gave her courage to admit another truth. “I felt the damage.”
Davina looked as if she’d swallowed her tongue. She’d sucked in so deep a breath that it left her gasping. Ailis ran to her side and smacked her on the back, trying to help her breathe. When Davina waved her off, Ailis waited for the stern admonition to begin.
“Why? Why did ye do such a thing?” Davina asked softly. Ailis didn’t expect that.
“I’ve been lonely, Davina. Without Mother, without Lachlan, without ye, I had no one. Iain made me feel something other than grief and pain for the first time in a long time. I needed him. I ken that it’s sinful and wrong. But, Davina, I owe him so much for what he gave me.”
“And Lachlan?”
And now the hard part. Admitting her part in his death.
“I lied to him, Davina. I drew him to his death.”
“What?” Davina asked, rising and walking to her side. “What do ye mean?”
“I told him that Father kenned of our relationship and we needed to talk. Now, thinking back on it, I wonder if he did not.”
“Ye think yer father had some involvement in the fire?” Davina grabbed her hand. “Why would ye think that?”
“I think Father kenned about us meeting. He said some things at the time about my time spent away from the village, about being seen in the south. I think he had someone following me and kenned the truth.”
“Ye think yer father would burn a man to death?”
Davina’s whisper was furious. But then, she was the man’s wife. Ailis had seen the ruthless part of him before. He was first the chieftain of the clan. She’d thought on this the entire ride home today.
There were surely others who wouldn’t want Lachlan and Ailis to be together, in addition to her father. Lachlan’s father wouldn’t be happy, but he would never cause his son’s death. Nay, the most likely one behind it was Finnan MacKinnon.
“He wouldna want me married to his enemy’s son. He wouldna allow me the choice. . . .”
“If he had Lachlan killed, why would he. . . .” Davina clamped her lips closed before she finished. “If yer father wanted him dead, then why. . . .”
Davina shook her head several times before letting out a shriek and stamping her feet. Ailis couldn’t ever remember seeing this kind of display and loss of control in her friend.
A terrible feeling crept over Ailis. Her stomach gripped at the tension growing within.
She closed her eyes and many images raced through her thoughts. Lachlan laughing and taking hold of her shoulders. Then the image changed and Iain was in his place. Lachlan murmuring as he touched her and brought her to completion. Then it was Iain’s touch last night.
Lachlan. Iain.
Iain.
Oh, God in Heaven, Iain was Lachlan!
“How?” she screamed at Davina. “How could he have survived? I saw it burn, Davina. I saw it burn!”
Ailis held out her hands, sliding back her sleeves to reveal the burns she’d suffered. They were only superficial compared to what he’d suffered. Large areas of his skin had melted and reformed. She’d felt them. His back and legs. His head and neck. His face and jaw. And he’d survived?
Aye, he had lived through it.
“He is alive?” She grabbed Davina and shook her. “How long have ye kenned? Does Father know?”
Then the worst thought struck her. Did Iain know who he was? Had he known when they had. . . ? Had he known when he’d left?
“Did he ken that he was. . . is Lachlan MacLean?”
“Nay, I dinna think so,” Davina said, easing out of Ailis’ grasp. “Yer father suspected his identity and spoke with me. He asked many questions about ye and the possibility. Lis, I dinna tell him about ye.”
Lachlan was alive. Alive and gone from here without knowing the truth.
“I must go. I must find him and tell him. Where could he have gone?”
Now it was Davina’s turn to grab hold of her and bring her to a stop.
“Look at me, Lis!” she said, while shaking her. “Think a moment. If yer father planned that fire, why would he allow him to live even now with the knowledge he has? If Finnan had no part, as I believe, how safe will Lachlan be if he reveals himself? Ailis, he only remains safe if that person believes him dead.”
Ailis wanted to challenge her words, but they made sense. No matter that Lachlan was alive! How could she not find him? How could she let him go?
“He has no memory of who he is, Lis. He doesna ken his allies from his enemies. Or his kith and kin. If he looked on ye, kissed ye and loved ye, and dinna remember ye, what chance will he have if he faces the person responsible for his condition without kenning them?”
Lachlan told her that he’d seen her in his dreams or memories, but he had never remembered her or that they were together. He’d walked out of her life without knowing the truth. But what would happen if she told him about himself? Or about them? If he didn’t remember, would he still love her?
Would the promises they’d made still bind them if he didn’t remember making them?
“Ye are betrothed to another man now.”
Ailis turned to face her stepmother. Surely, if Lachlan lived, she couldn’t marry another man. Her father wouldn’t force her to this, would he? One glance at Davina’s expression gave her the truth. He would.
Worse, if she confirmed his identity, her father could have him killed and no one would miss the stranger. He would rid himself of an enemy in one move.
“I need to find him. If he truly doesna remember me, I will let him go and not tell him.”
She rushed to the door but stopped with her hand on the latch. Ailis had heard the selfishness in her words. After what he’d suffered and lost, how could she think only of her pain and loss in this situation? If he didn’t remember her, it didn’t add to the burden he carried. It only hurt her.
Leaning her head against the door, she wanted to scream at the unfairness. He lived and yet she must live without him? Could she do that? Could she live without him if it gave him a chance to be safe?
She must. For him. For what they had. Even a few days ago, that wouldn’t have been her answer. But now, she knew he meant more to her than her own happiness.
“I will treasure every moment I spent with him,” she whispered against the wood. “Especially these last days.” Turning, she brushed away the tears. “For all the days of my life.”
She had spoken those words to him many times. When they vowed to be together and promised their love to each other, they’d promised it for all the days of their lives.
If his memory returned, he would need to find the person responsible. If it returned, she would be married and gone. For even if her father relented on Sir Duncan, there would be another man and she would eventually have to marry and leave here.
All the days of my life.
The words spoken in love and hope now described the emptiness ahead of her life without him.
But he would live. And be safe.
All the days of his life.