‘Oh, Bonnie, Rohan, good timing!’ Clara says as we go down the stairs a few mornings later. There’s a young couple standing at the reception desk and they turn and smile at us.
‘This is Amy and Keiron, they’re getting married on Friday.’
‘Oh, how lovely,’ I say, jumping down the last two stairs. ‘We’ve heard all about your wedding. We were hoping to meet you. Congratulations!’
Even at first glance, I can tell they’re made for each other. Amy is bubbly and smiley with long highlighted hair, and Keiron’s got curly brown hair escaping from under a baseball cap and the physique of a bodybuilder. I hug them both and Rohan shakes their hands as Clara introduces us all properly.
We knew they were coming and Rohan wants to talk to them for our articles, the inside scoop on actual people who have chosen to get married in the church of no-divorces, but I’d like to talk to them anyway. I love talking to people about to get married. It’s the happiest time in anyone’s life, and I love sharing that in some small way, like their happiness will rub off on me… Maybe it’s my equivalent of catching the bouquet, like if I talk to enough people getting married, maybe I’ll be next. Not that there’s much chance of that.
But neither of us can ask them to do an interview while Clara is around. I’m trying to work out a furtive way to invite them out for lunch somewhere private, but the sky is overcast and full of heavy grey clouds so it’s not exactly the day for a beach picnic, however, Clara’s way ahead of me.
‘I think it would be lovely for you four to get to know each other,’ she says. ‘Both so young and in love, and both at opposite ends of the wedding planning process. Bonnie and Rohan have just booked their wedding for next September and are starting to think about their plans for it. I’m sure they’d love to hear how you’ve done things, Amy.’
I once again wonder if Clara can read minds.
‘Our Michelin-starred chef has offered you both a free meal if you’d like to go there tonight. We always offer one to couples when they first arrive for their wedding stay, but we thought it would be so nice for Bonnie and Rohan to have a chat with a couple who have “been there and done it” so to speak that we’d love you all to go on a lovely double date.’
‘Oh, that sounds perfect,’ Amy says, grinning from ear to ear.
Keiron grunts an agreement, his attention on his phone rather than in the foyer with us.
‘Between you and me,’ Clara stage-whispers to Amy, ‘I think they could do with some advice. They seem a little unsure of what they want. It would be marvellous if you could share some of your wisdom and the things you’ve learnt since you and Keiron first set foot on The Little Wedding Island last year.’
Once again, I think I might love Clara. She’s handed us the opportunity we needed. She just doesn’t know that we’re dithering when it comes to making wedding plans because the wedding is never going to happen.
***
As a waitress leads all four of us over to a table, I think about how weird it is to have a proper restaurant on a tiny island like this. From the outside, it fits perfectly into the quaint Little Wedding Street and I expected a pint-size imitation of a restaurant, but inside, it’s spacious and trendy. They’ve got a rustic theme going on and the inside looks like a barn with wood panelling on the walls, wooden floors, and dark wood beams exposed in the white ceiling. All the tables and chairs are wooden, there’s a bar built entirely from red bricks, and the whole place is just so cosy. There’s plenty of space between tables, and they’ve done something clever with room dividers made of repurposed fence panels to give each table a bit of privacy, and it’s not all stuffed in like things are in London – there, the focus seems to be fitting in as many tables as possible, whereas here it seems to be making sure diners enjoy the experience. Maybe it’s just because they’re quieter. You need more tables there. The population is eight million, here it’s about twenty.
Rohan pulls a chair out for me, and I feel a bit self-conscious, especially when Keiron plonks himself down without even looking at Amy. That’s what men do in this day and age, not all the chivalry stuff, and I wonder why Rohan’s still trying so hard. Even though I kind of like it. It makes me feel special… which is not something a guy has made me feel for a long while.
‘I’m so excited,’ Amy says. ‘I’ve been planning my wedding day all my life. I can’t believe it’s nearly here. Both our mums and dads are coming in tomorrow and we’re all spending the night in the B&B, all girls in one room and all boys in another!’
‘Yeah, Clara’s been telling us. I think she’s more excited than you are.’
‘Oh, I love Clara. Isn’t she fabulous?’ She doesn’t give us a chance to answer, even though Clara is, indeed, fabulous. ‘And then it’s the big day! We’re getting married in the afternoon and having our reception on the beach all evening. Even the weather forecast is on our side, I’ve been checking it obsessively for weeks!’
The warm glow from the wall lights flickers at the strength of the gales howling around outside the restaurant. Hopefully this storm will have passed by then or she could be in for a disappointment.
‘Clara said you’ve been planning the wedding for a year?’
‘Yeah. I didn’t need that much time but the church was fully booked. We came in March last year to look around and the end of this April was the earliest we could get. It’s amazing how quickly they fill up, isn’t it? I’d never heard of the place before.’
‘Did you just stumble across it like fate was pulling you in?’ Rohan asks. I don’t think Amy detects it but I can hear the sarcasm in his voice.
‘No. Did you?’ She squeaks and claps like a seal without waiting for an answer. ‘That’s so romantic! Isn’t that romantic, Keiron?’
He’s too busy texting on his phone to respond so she elbows him and he grunts another agreement.
‘Er, yeah. We actually met on the boat here. Er, many years ago now, obviously, not recently or anything,’ Rohan says.
‘I guess you’d call it serendipity,’ I say.
‘Oh, like that film with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale! I loooove that film!’
‘One of our favourites,’ Rohan says, somehow managing to keep a straight face. ‘Have you seen The Sound of Music too? That’s a real cracker.’
I kick his foot under the table because his sarcasm has gone straight over Amy’s head and Keiron’s more interested in reading the menu again than in any of Ro’s unfunny jokes.
‘One of Amy’s mum’s friends knows some woman who lives here,’ Keiron says without looking up. ‘She told us the weddings are cheap.’
‘She didn’t say cheap, she said special,’ Amy corrects him and carries on. ‘We’ve been engaged for years. When I laid eyes on the church, I just knew it was the one. I finally talked Keiron into taking the plunge and we booked our wedding there and then.’
‘How long have you been together?’ I ask.
‘Since school, over eight years now! Eight years! I feel so old!’
It makes me realise how young they are. Eight years since school puts them in their mid-twenties at the oldest, and makes Ro and I seem like pensioners in comparison. He snorts beside me and it makes me feel a bit better. It’s not that I feel old, just that I can’t help wondering why some people are lucky enough to have found their soulmate at such a young age, and I’m still searching at thirty-four.
‘How about you?’ she asks. ‘Have you been together long?’
‘Oh.’ I glance at Rohan. ‘A few years.’
‘A long few years,’ he confirms.
‘How was your proposal? Was it really romantic?’
‘Oh yeah,’ Rohan says. ‘I was kneeling down to tie my shoelace and I thought I may as well kill two birds with one stone and ask her while I was down there. She said yes, and as a bonus, I’d saved myself tripping over my shoelaces.’
For the first time, both Amy and Keiron look at him like they’re not sure if he’s being serious or not.
‘He’s joking, of course,’ I say. ‘It was really romantic. Like you see on TV, what every girl dreams of.’
‘Keiron asked me on my eighteenth birthday,’ Amy says. ‘We went to the beach with our families and he took me off alone and got down on one knee at the end of the pier.’
Rohan clasps his hands together against his chest, mimicking Clara’s favourite gesture. ‘Awwww.’
I have to bite my lip to stop myself laughing at him. I realise I’m enjoying this with him. I like being out with him, sitting next to him, never knowing what he’s going to say next, and the way his foot keeps nudging mine under the table. He’s probably doing it to annoy me but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction. I get a little fizzle of butterflies inside when I think about our secret, and a burning flame whenever I think about kissing him on the beach the other day. Which I’ve been thinking about a lot.
Rohan and I both go for fish and chips and when it comes, it’s served on a wooden tray instead of a plate.
‘For the first time, I don’t feel like I’m eating Clara’s husband,’ he leans over and whispers in my ear. ‘Well, unless she’s got a secret business and she’s supplying the restaurant as well. It does say everything’s locally sourced and I’m sure I heard her listening to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack the other day.’
As we eat, Amy fills us in on every aspect of her wedding planning from decorations to reception seating plans, and I’m not sure which one of the men wins the award for Most Bored. Keiron finishes his meal in record time and sits there looking around the restaurant. Even Rohan manages to show more interest, and he’s got about as much interest in colour schemes and bridesmaids dresses as he has in carpet fitting.
When dessert comes, Rohan looks like he wants to sit in a corner with it and growl at anyone who comes near.
‘This is what I’m all about,’ he says, practically drooling. ‘If I haven’t come up for air in ten minutes, give me a nudge, all right?’
‘Oh my God, I could not eat that before my wedding. I’d never fit into my dress,’ Amy says.
‘It’s a smoked hazelnut and chocolate tart with maple ice cream,’ Rohan says. ‘There’s no item of clothing in the world worth missing this for. Although I probably wouldn’t fit into your dress now either.’
She laughs.
Ro looks at me with a grin. ‘Want a bit?’
‘You’re offering to share your dessert with me?’ I ask.
‘Well, you are my fiancée.’
‘Awwwwww, true love!’ Amy squeaks.
I go red all over and help myself to a forkful, mainly because I don’t think Ro shares dessert with many people and I want to take advantage while I still can. I let him try a forkful of my salted caramel and pistachio cheesecake too, and we both make some noises that are one step away from a full-on re-enactment of the When Harry Met Sally deli scene.
‘So good,’ I say as layers of chocolate and hazelnut melt on my tongue. ‘Never mind weddings, people would come here for this alone.’
‘I’d come here for this alone and you know how much I enjoy boat rides,’ Rohan says.
‘You’re such a good couple,’ Amy says while Keiron’s phone buzzes for about the twentieth time this evening. ‘I can tell how happy you are, and not just because of the dessert.’
I look at Ro, a forkful of chocolate paused halfway to his mouth, and I couldn’t stop myself smiling even if I wanted to. Is this what people in relationships feel like? Happy – like Amy thinks we are? Are we doing such a good job of fooling everyone that our pretend happiness has started to spill over into reality too?
I’m just being silly, aren’t I? This is just a pretence. Nothing more. I’m not really engaged to this man. I’m not even dating this man. All right, admittedly we’re having a bit of fun with the lie, but there’s no real happiness involved, only fake happiness. That’s it.
I should be glad that Amy is completely fooled, and relieved that we must both be better actors than we think we are. I shouldn’t feel that tiny pip of sadness inside me. We’re doing what we set out to do, and that’s where it ends.
‘So, do you believe the no-divorce story?’ Rohan asks as we sip a coffee afterwards, taking the bull by the horns as usual because so far we’ve stuck mainly to small talk and falsifying couple anecdotes.
Keiron looks up, laughs, and goes back to his phone.
‘Why would we not believe it?’ Amy says. ‘It’s fantastic, isn’t it? It’s such a relief to have that reassurance behind us that nothing will ever go wrong in our marriage.’
Relief. The word strikes me because it’s what Ro has been saying all along.
‘Do you think that’s all it takes?’ Rohan asks. I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully.
‘Well, duh,’ Amy says. ‘No one who’s ever got married in that church has got divorced. They’ve got proof and everything.’
‘Proof?’
‘The vicar showed us some records. Not all of them. Only a bit of a book where he writes down each couple’s news every year. Like if they’ve had a kid or moved house or adopted a cat or something. It’s not like we’re going to be the first couple to get divorced from there, is it?’
‘Of course not,’ I say quickly, even though she doesn’t seem to be after reassurance. ‘You two are great together.’
‘Thank you.’ She beams at me. Keiron’s distracted by something on the other side of the restaurant. ‘You will come on Friday, won’t you? I’d love you to be at the ceremony so you can see exactly what we’ve chosen to do, maybe it’ll give you some ideas for yours!’
‘Oh, are you sure?’
‘We’d love to,’ Rohan says instantly, sounding more sarcastic than he probably meant to. ‘We just adore weddings, don’t we, Bon?’
‘Yeah. You’ll have to forgive him for crying though. He loves weddings so much that he just can’t help himself. Enough tears to sink the Titanic. Snot, howling, ugly sobbing, the full works. Isn’t that right, Ro?’
‘Yep, I’m just a great big baby when it comes to weddings. There’s just something magical about seeing two people so in love that they can’t wait to spend the rest of their life together.’ The words sound familiar and I’m sure he’s quoting one of my articles. His jaw clenches as he flashes them a smile, then he turns to me and pokes his tongue out, hiding his mouth behind his hand.
‘Yay!’ Amy claps again. ‘I can’t wait! It’s going to be the best day ever!’
***
It’s getting dark when we leave the restaurant. Amy and Keiron go to visit her mum’s friend who lives in one of the cottages next to The Little Wedding Street, and Rohan and I walk back to the B&B.
Ro glances over his shoulder to check they’ve gone and turns back to me. ‘And you wonder why marriages fail.’
‘What?’
‘Those two. They’re getting married on Friday. I don’t think even the church of no-divorces can sort that one out.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Seriously?’ He looks at me with a raised eyebrow. ‘You didn’t see it? They’re a terrible couple. They barely seemed to tolerate each other, let alone be madly in love.’
‘Where on earth are you getting that from?’
‘From the date we’ve both just been on,’ he says, looking like he’s trying to figure out if I’m winding him up. ‘Keiron spent the whole night on his phone, for a start. Did you see the way he kept smiling at it and adjusting his trousers? There’s no way he wasn’t sexting someone else.’
‘He was probably telling jokes with his mates.’
‘If he was doing that, he wouldn’t have needed to keep adjusting his trousers.’
‘I did notice a bit of rooting around in there,’ I say reluctantly. There’s no way Ro’s right on this. They’re a lovely couple and they’re getting married here. I honestly don’t think that Paul, Clara, Amabel, and the gang would let in anyone they didn’t think were happy together.
I shake my head and look up at the sky. The wind is still blowing a gale, clouds are rolling in, and there’s thunder over the sea in the distance. He offers me his arm and I slide my hand through it, even though it’s so stormy that I doubt many islanders will be outside tonight.
‘How can you say that?’ I ask eventually. ‘They’re perfect for each other.’
‘Oh, please. If Keiron’s wandering eyes wandered any further, they’d pop out and toddle off along the road by themselves whenever he saw a woman in a low-cut dress or a waitress uniform. He even had a look at your chest. I was about to lamp him one but he got distracted by a waitress’s bum and didn’t look back.’
‘Clearly my cleavage is not that interesting to soon-to-be happily married men.’
‘Well, if it makes you feel better, from the perspective of a non-soon-to-be happily married man who’s far too much of a gentleman to have had a proper look, I think you have a very interesting cleavage.’
‘Gee, thanks, Ro.’ I give him a scathing look.
He grins. ‘And there you were thinking I don’t know how to charm a girl.’
I shake my head because I’m not sure if Rohan looking or not looking at my cleavage is a good thing or not, but I think we should leave this conversation behind pretty sharpish. ‘We didn’t even tell them our jobs or that we’re writing about the island.’
‘No, I didn’t trust them. Well, Keiron anyway. Amy seemed harmless, but probably a bit of a gossip. I wouldn’t have wanted to tell either of them the truth.’
‘We probably won’t be able to use anything they said without permission now, unless we contact them afterwards and ask. It wasn’t a proper interview, it was more like a chat between friends.’
He shrugs. ‘I’m more unethical with article sources than you. If I’ve heard it, I can write it.’
‘How you haven’t been sued to death is beyond me.’
‘Well, I am being sued now. Like I said, that pair you defended in my column are going for libel against me.’
‘Can’t you print an apology and beg them to drop it?’
‘Hah.’ He laughs a laugh that’s not a laugh at all. ‘No, because I’m not sorry.’
He says it so simply, so matter-of-fact, and I realise that I like how much he has the courage to stand behind what he’s written, even when he’s being sued for it. If that was me, I’d have fallen apart and begged for mercy by now.
‘The only thing I’m sorry about to do with that column is taking screencaps of what you said to me and posting them. Although, to be fair, doing that is what made you and I both end up here at the same time, and I wouldn’t want to change that. I’m kind of enjoying being engaged to you.’
‘Yeah, me too. In comparison to how much I might enjoy being squashed by a lawnmower, for example.’
He laughs. ‘Ah well, at least we’ve got a chance to save both our jobs. Even if nothing comes of it, at least we’ve given it our best shot.’
‘Yeah.’ I swallow hard. ‘Just work, work, work. At least we got an invite to the wedding you wanted to sneak in to.’
‘Can’t wait. I bet they sacrifice sheep and summon Satan, probably got all the little bridesmaids and pageboys playing with ouija boards and weird symbols drawn on the walls in fresh blood.’
‘Or they could just be happy, fulfilled, joyous people who want to share the love that they’ve found here. I really doubt there’s any weird jiggery-pokery going on.’
‘Amy and Keiron are exactly what’s wrong with this church. People think it does all the work for them. They think they don’t have to put any effort into their relationship because of some magical voodoo in the place they got married.’
‘Amy’s young and nai—’
‘Amy thinks she could drag a random person off the street and marry him in the church and it’d all work out sparkly and perfect. And I bet she’s not the only one. It makes people complacent. They can do anything they want, and the loving wife or husband will always put up with it because Vicar Paul and his magical church said so. It’s just laziness. And it’s pathetic that people think that’s all it takes to make a marriage work.’
‘But isn’t it nice to be optimistic and hopeful instead of all jaded and cynical? Some people just love the romance of the island and the story behind the church. Not everyone thinks like you do.’
‘Look at Amy and Keiron,’ he says. ‘They genuinely think getting married in the church of no-divorces is the way to save a struggling relationship.’
‘Their relationship isn’t struggling.’
He raises an eyebrow.
‘All right, Keiron was a little distracted but we don’t know his story. Maybe he’s just come back from a business trip and was jetlagged, or maybe he had a lot of work left to do before he took off for his wedding and he hadn’t done enough in the office, or maybe…’
‘Your ability to always see the good side of things is endearing.’
‘I still think this is a wonderful place to get married. It’s not because I won’t have to put any effort into a relationship, it’s because I think it’s incredibly romantic and I’d love to be part of that.’
‘I’d rather deep-fry my own toe and eat it with some lettuce. And I’m really not a fan of lettuce.’
‘Is anyone a fan of lettuce?’
He smiles, looking genuine and not sarcastic for once. ‘A girl after my own heart if ever there was one.’