Angel

 

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I’d slept with him again. After all this time, after I thought he’d been lost to me forever. All it had taken to turn me weak again was a mere look from Trey’s piercing eyes. You dumb slut, I thought. So much for independence and feminism if you’re gonna drop your panties every time he looks at you like that! It was enough to make me laugh. After years of living like a nun, the first person I lost control to was Trey! The man who made me lose everything in the first place. It was a vicious cycle.

 

Being with Trey again was making me feel the way I’d felt all those years before, like I could really picture us together. It felt weird staying in his house, or rather it had at first. That feeling had disappeared within the first few minutes of watching how comfortable Chuckie was in a new setting. I was proud of him; Chuckie wasn’t the most adaptable kid in the world. But he really seemed to love it here.

 

I was sitting in the room Chuckie had chosen, watching him sleep. His light brown hair fell across his forehead and I reached down to smooth it back. He looked like an angel when he was sleeping. His face was peaceful and calm, and there was no hint of the anxiety that had plagued him when Trey had first brought me home. If he still wanted to know everything about Trey, he was doing a good job not showing it. I still couldn’t think of the right way to tell my son, “This is Mommy’s ex-boyfriend. Oh, and your daddy.”

 

A pang of guilt flashed through me as I watched Chuckie toss and turn in the bed. He opened his mouth and for a second I thought he was going to sit up and ask me for a glass of milk. But he stayed asleep and peaceful, and soon his leg was twitching in another secret dream. He was such a good kid. I felt like the worst mother on the planet for having deprived him of a father.

 

“Stop it,” I mumbled under my breath. You don’t know that things are going to be any different now, and you have no way of changing that. After all, what if Trey kicks you out once Damien is taken care of? What are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life mooning over him?

 

A black depression settled over me and I closed my eyes. Those days when I’d been pregnant and alone had been some of the worst of my life. If I hadn’t been pregnant, I probably would have cried myself to sleep every night after a long glass of wine in the bathtub. But I had been pregnant, and feeling Chuckie grow in my belly had been one of the only things keeping me centered. I remembered driving out to the edge of Centerville and sitting in my car, looking out the window and feeling so lonely that it washed over me like a wave. I’d never been so alone in my life.

 

Telling Mom and Daddy had been the worst part of it. Foolishly I thought they would have supported me. After all, Mom pretended to be a good Christian. She went to church every week and made a habit of telling me she was going to pray for me if things weren’t going well. She used to tell me all the time that she was praying for me to find peace when Trey and I were still together. At the time, I hadn’t known what she meant. But now I knew: she wanted me to find the peace of mind to leave him.

 

They hadn’t found out until after Trey had been gone for a couple of months. I hadn’t been showing for weeks and weeks and then suddenly, to my horror, I realized the snap of my jeans had to be fastened with a safety pin. When I got home that day, I’d intended to run straight up to my room and hide. But Mom had caught me putting my coat away, and she must have read the guilty look on my face.

 

“You’ll want to get rid of that,” she said callously, pointing towards my stomach. “I hope it’s not the spawn of that no-good Minter.”

 

Tears pricked my eyes and I recoiled, blinking back the hurt and shame I felt. “This isn’t a problem,” I snarled in her face. “This is my child, your grandchild! And you’ll love them no matter what once you see them.”

 

Mom laughed, a dry, humorless sound. “That’s what you think,” she said coldly. “You think everything’s going to be easy for you, but it’s not. Once you have a baby, that’s the end of your life. You won’t be able to go to college; you won’t meet an eligible man. No one is going to want you if they think you’re damaged, Angel. Haven’t I raised you better than this?”

 

I blinked to clear my head of the painful images. Even now, eight years later, it still hurt more than almost anything in the world. Losing Trey, then losing my parents. I looked at Chuckie and felt love radiate through me like heat waves. At least I had Chuckie, my perfect son. He was worth everything, and I would have gone through worse to protect him. I always had to protect him. He was the only thing I had left.

 

I didn’t want to admit it, but being around Trey again was giving me all kinds of ideas. Not good ideas, either. The kind of ideas I didn’t want to admit to having. Just being in his house was enough to make me start thinking about a future together. Would Trey stay in the Skullbreakers? Would he quit and pursue a more legitimate line of work? It was enough to bring a smile to my face when I thought about us coming home together, with Chuckie. Sure, he would have to go to daycare. But there was always Lindsey to watch him.

 

I closed my eyes and imagined what Trey’s house would look like if I redecorated in cheerier, warm colors. No more of this masculine grey and black theme, but something warm and welcoming. I could do the kitchen in sunny yellow with red accents. Growing up, my favorite TV show had featured a kitchen decorated with an apple theme. I knew it was cheesy, but I’d always loved it. I pictured us sitting down in the kitchen bedecked with cheery apples and natural sunlight. Trey had picked a great house; now it just needed a few homey touches. I smiled as I thought about us shopping for furniture together, Chuckie whining at my side, and the kinds of faces Trey would make when I told him we just had one more store to visit before we were done. I imagined Trey and Chuckie conspiring against me to run off and get ice cream before I could drag them into just one more store. I saw Trey running around with Chuckie on his shoulders, Chuckie screaming and laughing with delight.

 

It was more than just the house, too. Chuckie was only allowed to watch an hour of TV per night — supposedly so he wouldn’t develop ADHD, but also because the power bill was expensive — but his favorite commercials were for Disneyland. He was always begging me to take him. I told him if he was very good, we’d find a way to go, but, truthfully, I had no idea how to afford such a vacation. Chuckie had always been a good kid, but he could be the most well behaved child in the world and I still wouldn’t have the money to take him on such a costly trip. Every time he told me about a classmate or a friend who was going, I could tell he was jealous. But to his credit, he never badgered me and he almost never sulked.

 

Still, I would have liked to take him. With Trey, I bet we could do it easily. Trey’s house spoke of money, and even though I didn’t want any handouts, I had a feeling he’d start spoiling Chuckie as much as he possibly could. And that would probably include a vacation to Disneyland. I couldn’t help but grin when I thought of it. I thought of how Trey and I would hold hands in the airport, on the plane. I thought of Chuckie racing excitedly ahead of us towards the entrance, swinging his arms and making my heart race with the giddiness of it all. For a long time, I didn’t feel like I’d deserved to be happy. But now I almost felt like I was getting a second chance. A second chance at everything: Trey, happiness, Chuckie’s childhood. Life.

 

I knew I shouldn’t think like this, but it was so tempting. In Trey’s house, enveloped in his scent of leather and sandalwood, I felt like a new woman. It was like I’d already forgotten about all of the bad things in my life. All of the debt, all of the problems. It was easy to just pretend like none of that had happened. And that was probably the most dangerous thing of all.

 

I didn’t think I’d changed much in the years since I’d been with Trey, but that probably wasn’t true. After all, I wasn’t the same girl I’d been when I was living with Mom and Daddy. For one thing, I no longer counted on having a set future. I knew things could change in an instant, and I learned to expect the unexpected. Everything had been different than I’d been expecting, and the changes had come almost immediately.

 

Mom and Daddy had thrown me out when they’d found out about the baby. Well, they hadn’t exactly thrown me out because of the baby. They’d thrown me out because I refused to have an abortion. Even though I was theoretically pro-choice, the idea of getting rid of something in my body was abhorrent. Especially because it was the last little remnant of Trey that I had, clover pendant aside. I’d had nowhere to go, and I’d been completely clueless about what I’d need to survive in the real world. Even when I’d traveled with Mom and Daddy, the help had always packed my bags. I didn’t even know what to bring with me on a weekend getaway, much less an actual lifetime of being away. When I’d left home, I’d brought the things I thought I could sell, like clothes and jewelry. But even that had been difficult. I’d found a pawnshop out of town and tried to get rid of some diamond jewelry Daddy had given me on my sixteenth birthday. But the guy at the pawnshop very obviously thought I was selling stolen goods. He didn’t listen to me when I told him they’d been gifts from my parents, especially after I’d begged him not to call Daddy and tell him where I was. When he called the cops, I barely escaped with what I’d brought in.

 

I wound up selling the jewelry in the back alleys of the nearest city, for much less than all of the items were worth. One of the downsides of growing up rich was that, for a long time, I’d really had no understanding of how money worked. I didn’t know if a hundred dollars was a lot or a little. Unlike a lot of other wealthy kids I’d known, I’d never carried cash. I had a credit card, and if I wanted something else I had Mom’s personal shopper get it for me. When I finally started using money, I couldn’t believe how much of it was allocated to different things. I couldn’t believe how expensive certain foods were; it made me regretful of all the years I turned down my nose at Daddy’s caviar and quail eggs. Daddy had used to love a dish made with avocado, crabmeat, and caviar, and sometimes I still craved the taste. When I’d gone to the store looking for ingredients, the manager had looked at me like I was crazy when I’d asked for caviar.

 

And raising Chuckie alone had been something else altogether. Now, more than anything else, I regretted not trying to find Trey and letting him know he had a son. I felt so guilty. I’d always thought I was doing the right thing, trying to protect my son, but now I realized I’d basically crippled him. It would have been better for Trey to know and choose not to be involved. Hell, now he’d probably choose that anyway. A flash of pain flickered through my body and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wanted Trey to step up to his responsibilities more than ever, but what if he didn’t? What if he couldn’t forgive me? What if he never wanted to be a part of a family with Chuckie and me? It was unlikely, but possible. I hated to realize it, but I would understand if Trey never wanted to be involved with me again. After all, I couldn’t imagine the shock of discovering an ex with a child, only to find out that the child was yours. Just thinking about it hurt my chest. I’d been trying to do the right thing, but it hadn’t ever worked. And now, I felt worse about my choices than ever before.

 

Chuckie shifted in bed and stretched one of his skinny arms out of the blankets. I felt the love swell up in my heart as I watched him settle back in bed. I’ll make sure you finally get a family, I promised him silently.

 

With renewed enthusiasm, I stood up and stretched. It was late, but somehow I had a feeling Trey wasn’t asleep yet. I thought I’d heard him walk down the hallway a while ago, but I couldn’t be sure. Besides, I’d been so deep in thought that it had been difficult to pay attention to what was really happening. My body was a mix of confusing emotions: desire, anger, betrayal, anxiety, love. I couldn’t shake the feeling of déjà vu, even though it had been almost ten years since I’d been around Trey. That was the funniest thing of all to me, that we’d been around each other for so long and never realized it. I’d never left Centerville. Had Trey? Had he left for a long time and recently come back? Trying to piece together how we’d somehow managed to avoid each other in the smallest of small towns was enough to make my head ache.

 

I looked at Chuckie. He was sound asleep; he wouldn’t notice if I slipped out for a little while. Or, at least, I wanted to believe that it would be fine. I knew if he woke up and I wasn’t there, he’d probably freak out. But I had to do this. I had to talk to Trey.

 

Letting myself out into the hallway, I closed the door behind me with a soft click. I could barely hear Chuckie’s soft snores after the lock was turned. I heard voices in the hallway and I tensed. It was Trey, and that other big thug he’d had watch me when he went out. I giggled nervously; I hadn’t seen the guy since I’d escaped from under his nose. I hoped he wouldn’t hold a grudge, even though I kind of deserved it.

 

“Trey?” I called his name softly and rapped my knuckles on the kitchen doorframe.

 

Trey looked up at me with a lazy grin on his face. His skin was flushed and there was a bottle of beer in his hand. The table was covered with empty bottles and the thick miasma of cigarette smoke hung in the air. I stifled the urge to stamp my foot. I couldn’t believe he could throw me out of bed and then just go drink with his buddy like nothing had happened! Breathe, I told myself. Stay calm. This is a big deal, maybe wait until he’s sober. He’s probably not going to understand right now.

 

“Yeah?” Trey gave me a cocky grin. He winked at me and I felt my insides slither and slosh around in my body. “Can I help you, Angel?”

 

I flushed deep red all over. This wasn’t going like I’d imagined, not at all. “Can I talk to you?”

 

“Sure,” Trey said. He winked at me again and stretched out, sprawling out in his chair like a wild grizzly bear of a man. “What can I do for you?”

 

The other biker, Ram, turned his face to me and smiled. He didn’t move, and I felt a wave of irritation fly through my body.

 

“Alone?” I pointed towards the door. “Do you mind?”

 

“Oh, sorry, ma’am,” Ram said.

 

I blushed when he called me ‘ma’am,’ and I almost corrected him, but I didn’t want to come off as even more of a fussy old lady.

 

“It’s fine,” Trey said. He turned his lazy grin towards Ram. “Whatever Angel has to say, she can say it in front of you.”

 

I blinked. “No, I can’t,” I said sharply. “Please, Ram. Just give us five minutes.”

 

Ram looked embarrassed as he got to his feet and shuffled out of the room. I sat down at the table and the beer bottles rattled and shook.

 

“So,” Trey said. He folded his hands on top of the table and stared at me. “What do you wanna talk about?”

 

“Our son,” I said softly. “And our life. And our future.”

 

Trey shook his head. “You’re bringing that shit up again?” He didn’t wait for me to answer before continuing, “You know I don’t have anything to say about that, Angel. That was a long time ago and done now. Past is past, you know.”

 

“I don’t know,” I said in the same soft voice. Frustration welled up in me and I blinked back tears, stamping my foot on the clean linoleum floor. “You’re not listening to me, Trey. I’m sorry about everything, but I want to move past that. You have a family now. You’re a father.”

 

Trey stood up before I could protest. He stretched up and I averted my eyes away from his taut, muscular torso. “This ain’t no good to talk about right now,” he said. “You get that, Angel? We can’t talk about this right now.”

 

“Well, when can we?” I whirled around in my chair and stared him down, my eyes blazing in their sockets. “I’m sick of you brushing me off.”

 

Trey blinked. He shook his head. “Angel, this isn’t gonna work,” he said softly. For a moment, it sounded like all the cockiness and all the fight had gone out of him. “We’re gonna have to deal with this later.”

 

Before I could argue, he left the room. I heard him and Ram talking in hushed tones in the other room. I couldn’t even feel ashamed thinking about Ram hearing us — I didn’t even care. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest all over again, just like before. Everything would be just like before: Trey would leave and I’d never see him again. Anger and sadness welled up in me and I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t start crying. Why? Why did he need so much time? Couldn’t he see I meant it, that I loved him? That I’d never wanted to let him go?

 

I stared at the whorls on the wooden table. It was roughly hewn and unvarnished, but with a smooth sheen. If I hadn’t known better, I’d think Trey had carved it himself. I ran my hands over the soft wood and closed my eyes. I couldn’t be alone again; there was no way that would happen. I remembered how I’d felt while pregnant: alienated, alone, too giant for a world that didn’t want me. Just like my body was changing, so was my status in the world. I went from someone who could buy the entire inventory of a shop in ten minutes to someone who was scrounging for pennies to buy food off the dollar menu at McDonald’s. Shame had a distinct taste, like soap. I never wanted to taste it again. I never wanted to wake up with my stomach feeling as empty as a squeezed-out tube of toothpaste. I never wanted Chuckie to cry because he wanted more milk and all I could afford was water.

 

I couldn’t stand another year of sitting in my car and crying at that spot just outside of town. It would kill me; I’d die of loneliness. I didn’t ever want to have to explain to Chuckie just who Trey was…and why he wasn’t around. It would hurt him so much. It wasn’t just me who I had to think about now, there was Chuckie, too. If I made another mistake like the first one, he could be miserable and unhappy for the rest of his life.

 

On bad days, one of the only things that kept me going was my son. If he were to cut off contact with me as an adult because I hadn’t raised him with a father, it would break my heart. Then I really wouldn’t have a reason to live. I thought about myself, old and alone in some state-sponsored nursing home. I’d be covered in spittle and drool and lumpy blankets the color of old gym socks. Chuckie wouldn’t come visit, no one would. Because I’d have no family, and it would all be my fault.

 

I set my lips in a thin line and prayed for Trey to come to his senses. I need you now, I thought. More than ever before. Don’t you see that?