Chapter Seventeen
Jane
Once again, I wish I could call off work. And I thought yesterday was bad. I only wish the worst I had to worry about today was fatigue. A night spent crying and reproaching myself didn’t do me any favors in that department. So not only am I consuming more caffeine than is probably healthy, but I’m an emotional wreck, too. This is so far beyond that slight embarrassment that his rescuing kiss had been. This is total and utter mortification.
Like why won’t the earth open up and swallow me sort of humiliation.
I’m sure he must hate me. If he doesn’t, he must think I’m a hopeless prude who isn’t worth his time. I can’t explain why I froze up the way I did. I know why I did, but I sure as hell can’t explain it to him. Not without exposing things I prefer to keep private. There’s a good reason I keep people at arm’s length.
It’s times like this I wish I was never born, when I remember that I’ll never be normal. I never even had a chance. I don’t like to think of myself as pessimistic or particularly maudlin, but I can’t see any way out of this that isn’t bad.
Maybe he’s too angry to speak to me or even see me. And while I hate the idea of him being upset with me, I actually prefer it to the alternatives that mean I’ll have to actually talk to him. That he’ll want to avoid me as much as I want to avoid him is the only bit of hope that sustains me as I walk to my desk. I try to be as quiet as I can, not wanting to draw any extra attention to myself. I’m still the new girl, but I’ve had a lot of practice at fading into the background. I hoped this would be my new start, but it seems I can’t ever truly outrun my past.
When I reach my desk, I can’t really say I’m surprised to see that my typical luck is holding.
The pink Post-It note he took from my desk with MY OFFICE scrawled in capital letters sticks to my monitor telling me he’s not going to simply pretend that nothing happened. Terrific. This is exactly what I need in my life.
I hold onto that little flicker of anger, letting it give me strength. I hope he only wants to talk business as I march into the room without knocking. Better to get it over with while holding my head high. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I refuse to let him shame me for changing my mind.
“Good morning,” I say when I enter.
He’s standing with his back to me, facing out the window, and the only bit of his expression I can see is the reflection in the glass. His hands are clasped behind his back. He looks like he owns the world in his expensive suit and shiny shoes. Everything about him screams confidence, success. So why should he care about someone like me going cold on him at the last minute?
“Care to tell me what happened last night?” He doesn’t turn toward me when he speaks.
I must have really struck a nerve. Male ego much? Sure, we were having a good time, but it wasn’t as though I laughed at him, or fell asleep in the middle of things. And still, he doesn’t have the right to treat me as if I did something wrong. People need to stop acting like stopping in the middle of something is somehow wrong. Wrong would be if he didn’t stop when I asked him to, or if I went through with things and then blamed him for my choice. Or if I planned on filing a sexual harassment suit against him for how far we did go.
I didn’t do anything wrong, I remind myself as I close the door behind me before speaking, though the last thing I want is to be stuck in his office. No, that’s not the last thing. The last thing I want is for anybody outside the door to know what happened between us. That isn’t the sort of reputation I want to have here.
“Like I said last night, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. What happened was a mistake. I shouldn’t have started things in the first place.” If I could just go back and undo that kiss…
He turns to me, and I wish I could understand the look on his face. I can’t tell if he’s wounded or angry or just plain annoyed. “You think I’m upset because you didn’t have sex with me?”
I frown, puzzled. “Aren’t you?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t get you.”
“What’s not to get?” I offer, still unsure what he’s thinking. “I’m a pretty simple person.”
“You’re about as simple as a Rubik’s cube, and I could never solve one of those damned things.” He rubs the back of his neck. “No, Jane, you’re not simple at all. Because here I was, thinking there was something happening between us, and then you run off without an explanation.”
My heart skips a beat. “You did?”
“Yeah. I was almost sure of it. I mean, I feel it inside.”
He comes to me, and there’s nowhere for me to go. I back away until I’m against the door with him only a few feet away. He doesn’t crowd me to the point where I’m claustrophobic, but it’s close.
“You have every right to stop if something makes you uncomfortable.” His voice is quiet. “But I wish you’d tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
I want to tell him. That’s the craziest thing of all. I wish I could unburden myself, lay it all out, tell him it’s not his fault. That the person who’s responsible for me being this way is in prison because another girl had more courage than I did. I want to tell him he’s not crazy, that I feel it, too. Oh, boy, do I feel it.
Dammit. I was wrong, all the way around. I should’ve put up a wall between us and kept it there instead of being weak and falling for his charm. We could’ve been professional and gotten along well. I could’ve made a home here at James Enterprises, worked my way up in the company. I could’ve had a wonderful enough life with work and a friend like Chloe. I should’ve been satisfied with that future instead of trying to pursue something that I knew wasn’t going to work. Not because of anything to do with Anthony.
It’s all me.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, and I watch the light go out of his eyes. My eyes are burning and my heart is in my throat, but I make myself say the words. Make myself let him go so he can find someone better. “I think it’s better for us to work together and leave it there. Maybe, someday, we can be friends, but for now, we should keep it professional.”
I fumble for the doorknob, turn it, and slip through the door before he can offer any further argument. He’ll never understand how hard that was for me. He’ll never know how much I wish I could’ve told him that yes, I feel what’s happening between us. That I want to try to see if we can make things work between us.
He’s smart enough to leave me alone for most of the day. Or maybe he’s pissed enough. I don’t know. I keep my head down and my eyes on five o’clock, just desperate to get out and be alone again. He’s stirred up a lot for me, more than he could ever understand, even if I had the guts to explain it all. I want it to be all good memories and the normal fear that comes with starting something new. But I can’t tell him that there are moments when I feel like I can hardly breathe, much less think straight. Too many ugly memories press on me from every side.
Which is why Chloe is the last person I want to see, even though it’s been hours since my ‘talk’ with Anthony. I can’t make happy or lighthearted for her sake today. The sound of her voice puts my teeth on edge, though it isn’t her fault. I remind myself of that very fact when she appears at my desk. I’m pretty sure the smile I plaster on my face is more like a grimace. She doesn’t seem to notice.
“I’ve been going through my contacts.” She pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through. “I think I have a few strong candidates.”
My head is spinning. She’s good at catching me off guard, like she’s always a few steps ahead of me. What is she talking about? “Candidates for what?”
She frowns. “For you, goof. Remember? I’m looking for the perfect man for you.”
Oh.
I can’t help myself. All the sadness and disappointment and pain come bubbling up to the surface. “Why can’t you take a hint?” I snap.
Her frown deepens. She takes a step away, eyes wide. “Are you joking?”
Her voice is hesitant, and I hate myself for making her feel this way, but everything inside me is so raw that my walls go up automatically, even for her.
“Do I look like I’m joking?” I give up. This day is just too much. It’s around three, and I’ve gotten all my work done. If there’s anything else, I can manage it from home. I start packing up as fast as I can. “I told you I’m not interested, Chloe, and I meant it. Mind your own damn business.”
Her jaw drops, and for a moment, I have the sort of vicious satisfaction that only comes when a person can pawn off their foul mood on someone else.
“Wow, Jane.” She scowls at me. “You could have just told me no. You don’t have to be a bitch about it.”
She storms off, and I’m just too fed up to care whether I hurt her feelings. Besides, I did tell her no. Constantly. And she didn’t listen. Is it my fault that she doesn’t know when to let things go? She should just stay out of my business. Why can’t the entire world just leave me alone? It never gave a shit about me before. Why is this any different?
I do my own storming off, not even bothering to tell Anthony I’m leaving, much less ask whether it’s okay to go. I wonder if he’ll even notice I’m gone. If anyone will for that matter.