Sam

A wad of pumpkin guts smacks me in the face, and I glare at Alex as he sets down his drill and stares at the pumpkin in front of him.

“Is it really necessary for you to use a power tool to carve these pumpkins?” I ask, swiping the globby mess off my cheek and flicking it onto my newspaper-covered kitchen table.

“I’ve already carved seventeen pumpkins, and you’re only on your third. I’d say having a power tool is a necessity,” he answers, standing back to look at his work.

“All you’ve done is drill a giant hole in the center of each one. At least I’m putting effort into mine and giving them faces,” I reply, holding up the gap-toothed jack-o’-lantern I just finished.

“It’s not a giant hole. It’s a glory hole. I’m making these pumpkins multifunctional for the male guests, since going to a wedding for a dude is hell on earth. They can enjoy the soft glow of the candle inside of it during dinner, or they can take one to the bathroom and have a little in-and-out fun. People will thank me.”

Shaking my head at him, I walk over to the sink and start washing some of the goo off my hands.

“I’m pretty sure your bride-to-be will not be thanking you when you explain what you’ve done.”

Alex tosses me a towel when I turn around, and I begin drying my hands as he starts loading the carved pumpkins into a few large plastic containers that we can pack into my truck and take over to Reggie and Bev’s later.

“Speaking of thanking me, you didn’t even give me any gratitude for the gift I brought you today,” he complains.

“These pumpkins look dumb and ugly.”

We both turn to look at Tia, the six-year-old girl sitting at my table, who stares with annoyance at the pumpkins Alex puts into the container.

“I’m supposed to thank you for volunteering us to babysit your neighbor’s kid?” I whisper to Alex as I come up next to him.

“Children are a delight—especially you, Tia, isn’t that right?” Alex asks her with a huge smile on his face.

Tia jumps down from my chair, walks up to Alex, and kicks him right in the shin.

“SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!” he shouts, bending at the waist and grabbing his leg.

“You said a bad word. I’m telling my mommy!” Tia scolds before storming out of the kitchen, her blond pigtails swishing back and forth as she goes.

“I SAID TWO BAD WORDS! AT LEAST I CAN COUNT!” Alex shouts after her.

“Real mature,” I mutter with a shake of my head.

“Fine, not all children are a delight, but you should still be thanking me. Scheva told me that Noel thinks you’ve been acting weird lately, and that it might be because you’re scared about your impending fatherhood,” Alex explains as we start cleaning up the mess covering my kitchen table. “You can’t tell me this wasn’t a brilliant idea. It will give you a little practice on how to handle kids before the big day arrives, so you don’t fuck everything up.”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. And I’m not nervous about becoming a father. You know exactly why I’ve been acting weird lately, so babysitting duty wasn’t necessary.”

Alex is the only one who knows about the surprise I’ve been planning for Noel, and that I’ve been busting my ass to get it finished before she has the baby. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t let the cat out of the bag, considering this guy usually can’t keep a secret to save his life.

“You do realize that once a certain someone finds out what you’ve done, you’re probably going to have to change your name and enter the witness-protection program, right?” Alex asks as he rolls up the pumpkin-guts-filled newspaper and tosses it in the trash.

“It’s not going to be that bad,” I tell him, even though I know it is.

It’s going to be bad. Horribly bad. I’m just hoping I’ll be forgiven and they’ll see how good this will be for everyone. Eventually. Like, maybe by the time our child goes to college.

“Where’s Tia?” I ask suddenly, peeking out of the kitchen doorway and not seeing her in the living room.

“Probably running with scissors, watching porn on YouTube, and lighting things on fire. She’ll be fine.”

With a sigh, I leave Alex to finish cleaning up my kitchen while I go in search of the little girl. I might not know a lot about kids, but I do know you should never leave them unattended for long periods of time, and that silence never equals anything good.

Luckily, my house isn’t that big, and I find her in the master bathroom, right off my and Noel’s bedroom.

“Oh, no,” I mutter as soon as I walk in the room.

Tia looks up at me from where she’s perched on the edge of the tub, and her eyes immediately fill with tears. I rush to her side and squat down next to her.

“I mean, oh no, I can’t believe you’re having fun without me!” I lie.

She smiles up at me and finishes squirting the last of an entire bottle of shampoo into the tub before standing up and pointing at it.

“Get in.”

I stare at her in confusion.

“Um, what?”

She sighs heavily.

“I said, get in. Take a bath.”

Glancing down into the tub, I wince at the mountain of goop that she’s dumped into the Jacuzzi tub, several sections of it starting to bubble and hiss. I’ve never seen shampoo do something like this, and it makes me a little nervous thinking about everything she could have dumped in there along with the hair-cleaning product.

“I don’t think—”

“GET IN THE TUB RIGHT NOW!” she screams, with a stomp of her foot.

“Okay, okay, I’m going!” I quickly reply, hopping over the edge of the tub, my feet sinking into the mess, which squeezes between my toes. The feeling makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. “See? Look at me in the tub! Wheeeeee, this is fun!”

I stomp around a little as she watches me. When I start to climb back out, she blocks my way, her hands on her hips.

“Sit down. Take a real bath or I’ll tell Mommy you said bad words.”

“I didn’t say bad words, your neighbor Alex said bad words!” I complain, throwing him under the bus and cursing him under my breath for putting me in this situation.

Her eyes start to fill with tears again, and this time, her lower lip starts to quiver.

Fucking lip quiver. How am I supposed to ignore a lip quiver?

With a sigh, I slowly sink down into the tub, regretting the action as soon as my ass gets swallowed up by the mess.

“Doesn’t it feel good?” Tia asks with a smile.

“Yep! It feels great! Really tingly. What exactly did you put in my bath, sweetheart?” I ask as nicely as possible, clenching my teeth to stop myself from screaming.

Tia walks over to the cabinet under the sink and starts pulling out empty bottles and tossing them onto the floor next to the tub. Shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, bleach, peroxide . . . well, that explains the tingling.

She continues throwing out bottles and I quickly realize that maybe I do need a crash course in parenting. Obviously children shouldn’t have access to any of these products. And obviously I’m paying for my mistake, because the tingling has now turned to full-on burning, which means it’s definitely time to panic.

“Tia, honey, I need you to call nine-one-one,” I tell her as calmly as possible while my balls feel like they are being lit on fire.

“NINE-ONE-ONE!” Tia screams at the top of her lungs.

“NOT OUT LOUD, ON THE PHONE!” I scream back, forgetting all about how I shouldn’t freak out in front of her and scare her, even though my balls feel like they are melting right from my body.

“MOMMY SAYS I’M NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE PHONE, DUMMY!” Tia argues, rolling her eyes at me like I’m an idiot.

“What is all the screaming about?” Alex asks, poking his head in the bathroom door. “Dude, are you bathing in front of my neighbor? I think that’s rule number one for Things You Shouldn’t Do in Front of Kids. And you thought you didn’t need to learn how to be a parent.”

Alex moves into the bathroom and scoops Tia up in his arms.

“How about we go into the living room and I put on It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown so Sam can finish whatever kinky thing he’s doing on his own?”

“What’s kinky mean?” Tia asks him as he carries her out of the room.

“I’ll get back to you on that when you’re eighteen.”

As soon as they’re gone, I quickly stand up, pull the plug, and turn on the shower, not even bothering to remove my clothes as I scrub the toxic shit off of me.

It takes thirty minutes and three showers for my balls to finally stop burning, but at least that gives me something to worry about other than the surprise I’ve been planning for Noel.