Chapter 15

 

I walk away. I go straight inside without another word. I know it’s rude as hell. My mama taught me much better than this. Still, I head through the kitchen, to the stairs, then down the hallway to my master bedroom. I close the door behind me, and then I lock it.

Livi is still down there, probably in shock and wondering where the hell I’ve run off to. Maybe she thinks I’m coming right back. Maybe she’s pissed. I owe her the decency of an explanation, but I just can’t look at her again, not right now. She’s a beautiful girl, too beautiful.

She’s cute and fun … too cute and fun. Those are the exact qualities that always get me in trouble. Those girls ruin me. And I’m done being ruined.

I stand here in my room, staring at my bed and dresser and TV, all things that have nothing to do with her. I miss her lavender scent, the trail of cuteness she leaves behind her. My room is all me, and nothing of her, and it’s the exact type of sterile environment I need right now, yet for some reason here I am going back to the door. I grab the doorknob, cradling it in my fist while I contemplate whether I should go back downstairs to her.

I’m not a total asshole, but as I stand there considering my next move, my feet root into the floor until they feel like lead kettlebells. I just can’t go back down there. Whatever I’d say, whatever I’d do – it wouldn’t be enough. Best case scenario, she’s pissed at me. Worst case, I’d kiss her again.

Heaving a remorseful sigh, I back away from the door and lay face down on my bed. I just can’t do it. I’m not a coward, but I can’t get wrapped up in romance and all the fuzzy headed drama that comes along with being in a relationship with a woman. I’m a closed book for now, until the emotional wounds of my heart heal enough to even remotely trust another woman again. I don’t see that happening any time soon.

Part of me feels guilty for leaving her outside on the deck, alone and helpless. She’s already feeling vulnerable…I understand that much. She’s in a huge house, all alone in the world and now I’ve run off without a word after we kissed.

That kiss.

As incredible as it was, it can never happen again. I need to start thinking with my brain and not with the pistol between my legs. The poor girl just needs a place to live, not a guy. God, I probably ruined her night. Now she might think I’m some pervert who wants her to pay rent in sex. Fuck.

Leaving the bedroom door, I walk to the bathroom and give myself a good hard look in the mirror. The person staring back at me reflects anguish and uncertainty…not the best combination. I need to find a way to apologize, to make things right. I’ll let her know I’m not some asshole who wants to use her. But I’ll have to do that tomorrow. Surely she’ll understand.

I turn on my shower and undress, throwing my clothes into the hamper in my closet. They crumble in a heap, much like my emotions. By now I hope Livi won’t subject herself to any further torture and will throw in the towel and go to bed. Surely, she’s not still down there outside, sitting by herself. Well, at least that’s the hope I’m aiming for here. 

By now, too much time has passed and it would just be awkward for me to go down there now and try to explain my relationship woes and phobias to her. She won’t understand my issues anyway, and will probably just end up thinking I’m a lying asshole, so why bother?

I step into the shower and keep it on the cold setting. I need to cool down a bit and provide some refreshment to my searing skin. I’m hot and flushed with indecision over what to do about the Livi situation. I’ll just try to avoid her at all costs because I don’t have the heart to tell her to take her problems somewhere else.

Standing with my back to the nozzle, I allow the water to pelt at my skin, spraying me off and helping my blazing attraction to Livi even out and simmer down for a while. I stare at the water as it splashes against the slate tile on the floor and runs down to the drain. What was I thinking bringing a hot girl into my house? I’m baffled at my own sheer stupidity to think that I’d be able to resist her.

Livi has awesome qualities that make her seem like a great catch, but even with all the bells and whistles, I have to guard my heart and keep her at bay no matter the cost. By now, I suspect she’s probably curled into a ball in the guest bedroom…wondering where the hell she went wrong tonight.

I wish I could run downstairs and explain to her that she’s a great girl and has everything to offer the right man…but I’m just not him. She’s already running low on self-esteem, that much is apparent by the way she cried in front of me tonight. She’s a girl down on her luck, and she was probably feeling like she had nothing to lose by kissing me.

I kissed her first though. I can’t forget that I am the initiator, and now I’ve left her hanging…wondering and clinging to something that I can’t give her now, or ever. I cringe when I remember how compelled I was in the moment, completely enthralled by her feminine presence and cute haircut. Her deep brown eyes still burn in the back of my mind, and I wish I could forget how it makes me shiver with yearning with the way she looks at me. 

She’s just so beautiful, perfect and sweet. I can still feel her tantalizing lips connecting with mine and that’s scaring the hell out of me. My internal urges got the better of me, but as I step out of the shower and pat myself dry, I vow to never let it happen again.

I swore off women, too bitter from past relationships that went sour. Yeah, it’s true that on the surface Livi seems genuine, kind and down to earth. That’s what all girls want you to believe, until they swoop in and reel you in. Then, they stomp on your heart until you’re bleeding from the pain. I can’t go down that road again.

I walk to my dresser and pull out a pair of boxer shorts and step into them, then head to the bed, sagging back onto my pillows. I turn on the TV, but I’m too distracted to pay attention to the mindless late-night crap that’s on. I switch the tv off again in an aggressive huff, groan and lay on my side. I’ll probably never get to sleep tonight.

My last two girlfriends really set the stage for screwing me up, big time. Both relationships crashed and burned, and early on they both seemed cute and nice just like Livi. I can’t trust a woman I don’t know, plain and simple. I’m not really sure I can trust a woman I do know, at least one that isn’t related to me.

I reach over the nightstand and turn off the lamp. Now, blanketed in darkness, I lay there wondering how I’m going to live in a house with a woman who turns me on. I can’t possibly kick her out, not when she has nowhere else to go. Not that I’d want her to leave. I’ll just have to make sure to stay as far away from her as possible. It won’t be hard to accomplish; the house is so vastly huge she’ll probably get swallowed up on her side while I stay safe on mine.

We’ll both be at work during the day, so I won’t have to worry about those hours, but I might have to get creative in the evenings. I hate the idea of being a prisoner in my own home, having to forbid myself from wandering around wherever I please. I just have to remind myself that this is only a temporary arrangement, and that soon I’ll fix up my old house and she’ll get to move into that.

But then I’d be her landlord, and I’ll still see her on occasion. I groan and pull the pillow over my head. I don’t have to fall in love with her, but I should make due on my end of the bargain. The faster I get the rental house in order and in livable condition, the faster she can move out and leave me in peace once again.