Ainsley
Sloane playfully bumps into me on our way towards the bus. “You riding home with me or tutoring?”
Our code word for Nate always makes me smirk.
Ever since we got back from our beach vacation a couple weeks ago, it’s been harder than ever to be apart. Three days of going to bed together, waking up together, not having to rush away from each other, and getting to live like so many other couples do, ruined any possibility of returning to our old routine. We devised a way for me to ride home with Nate on the days I don’t have to work. I deny my ride home from the bus by saying I’m staying late to help a freshman study and then wait until most of the afterschool chaos has died down and walk a couple blocks over towards a neighborhood park where he is waiting. So far, it’s worked flawlessly. Having Sloane run necessary back up or interference definitely helps.
“Tutoring,” I answer trying to hold back my glee. “Remember, I had to close yesterday, so I barely got any downtime.”
I love that she still hangs out at the pub with me for a couple hours of my shift. The only difference now is she bails earlier knowing we won’t be riding home together. Nate offered to drive her home on those nights, but she immediately denied, claiming it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to be seen with her either.
She offers me a smile. “I swear you are getting more and more downtime than ever before…You might wanna be careful, Ainsley. While I’ve got you covered, I’m not so sure it’s gonna be enough.”
Her eerie warning lifts my eyebrows. “Meaning?”
Sloane starts to retort when Scott interrupts. “You riding today, Ainsley?”
I turn to give him a polite smile. “Tutoring…”
“Ah.” He nods and lowers his eyes to Sloane. “Guess you’re sitting with me.”
“With you. Not on your lap again,” she playfully scolds.
Scott chuckles and hustles up the steps of the bus.
With a small nod his direction, I understand what she was implying before. It’s not Scott we really have to worry about, but his jock friend who has upped his efforts for my attention since Spring Break to an entirely new level. The texting is more frequent than before. He occasionally calls now while I’m at work. Just a few days ago he asked which restaurant it was, so him and his friends could come in and leave me a huge tip. Thankfully, after I refused to give him that information so did Scott, despite the three hundred bucks Josh was tempting him with.
Sloane gives me a quick reminder to text her and disappears onto the bus steps. After informing Willis I’m not coming, I pretend to head back towards the building. Once the sound of the bus taking off hits my ears, I veer towards the right for the path I take to meet Nate. I linger on the back side of the building as I always do and wait for more students to disappear. I keep my attention on my phone, pretending to be busy texting instead of counting the minutes going by until I can move without looking too suspicious.
Just as I prepare to start my walk for the park, a voice I’m growing tired of hearing, catches me off guard. “Ainsley.”
I force a fake smile onto my face as he crosses into my direct line of vision. “Hey, Josh.”
“What are you still doing here? Miss the bus?”
Sweetly, I reply, “Tutoring. I meet a Freshman in the library in about five minutes.”
He nods and suggests, “How about I wait with you?”
I quickly retort, “That’s totally not necessary.”
Josh adjusts the one backpack strap on his shoulder. “I don’t mind. Any time I can spend with you is awesome.”
It takes everything in me to smile rather than cringe. Surely, I can get rid of him, right? He’s not really going to waste all his time waiting with me when there has to be something else, literally anything else, for him to do.
The two of us head towards the entrance of the courtyard together in silence. Josh obnoxiously teeters between walking too close and attempting to give me space.
Eventually he asks, “Do you always work this much or are you trying to save for prom?”
His question brings up a subject I actually hadn’t given much thought to. Last year I went solely because Sloane begged. Despite the fact she could’ve went as Scott’s date, she insisted we do the group thing. This year…This year I doubt I’ll even humor her that far. Dancing in a poorly decorated event room at a swanky hotel downtown where the staff is paid to pretend they don’t know there are a bunch of drunken horny minors running around doesn’t sound like anything I would be remotely interested in. However, that thought does make me wanna watch She’s All That.
Realizing I’ve been quiet for too long, I stumble out, “Um…I just like to work, that’s all. Save money. That sorta thing.”
We enter the building to continue our stroll to the library. “Doesn’t seem like it leaves time for fun shit…like…I don’t know…dating the newest recruit to the Landmoore Lions.”
I offer him a genuine smile. “Congratulations!”
He shrugs. “It’s really not that big of a deal. My dad went to college there. They probably weren’t allowed to reject me.”
“Stop it,” I insist. “You’re a great player all on your own.”
His smile returns. “So, you’ve seen me play?”
“Everyone has you seen play, Josh. They showed highlights during morning announcements this fall.”
The reminder makes him chuckle at the same time we enter the barren book filled room.
Doing my best to play off the tutoring thing as if it’s actually happening, we make our way towards the back corner where the study tables are found. Together we plop down and wait for the imaginary guest that’s never going to show up. Josh continues to talk about his acceptance to the university along with how his father says he doesn’t need a fallback, but his mother insists he picks a related major like sports medicine.
While he goes on and on, barely allowing me to say anything, I give my phone constant glances, anticipating a text from Nate any minute.
Just as my phone vibrates, Josh stops, and asks, “Is that your tardy Freshman?”
I swipe it open and give the text a glance.
Teach: Where are you?
With his attention fully plastered on me, I nod.
“What’s keeping her? Almost all the staff is gone by now.” His point stops the additional lie that I was prepared to offer. “She gettin’ felt up in the parking lot or something?”
The joke forces a fake snicker.
Quickly, I text back.
Me: With Josh. He caught me waiting at the school and insisted on staying with me.
“Well?”
Annoyed I have to rush an answer, I say, “She’s canceling. No big deal.”
He lets a wide grin appear on his face. “So you’re free for the afternoon?”
A knot of disgust chokes my immediate response. “Not exactly. I have my own homework to get caught up on.”
“But you can spare the forty-five minutes or whatever you were going to tutor her and grab a shake with me. Mimi’s does half price ones on Tuesdays.”
Not sure I have much of a choice, but to play along, I shrug. “I guess…But just a quick shake and then I really need to get home.”
He shoots his hand in the air. “Jock’s honor.”
Josh stands and I quickly check the text from Nate.
Teach: Get rid of him.
Me: Tried. Not working. He’s giving me a ride home. I’ll take the bus and meet you at your place.
Once I’ve got my shoulder bag back on, we begin a brisk walk for the student parking lot.
It takes longer than expected for Nate to reply.
Teach: Fine.
His displeased answer pangs my chest.
What does he want me to do? Josh doesn’t seem to accept no for an answer and as much as I want to tell him I’m taken, so stop bothering me, I know the repercussions. I know this will just be the tip of the iceberg. I know he’ll start digging and snooping. Asking Sloane and Scott questions they don’t know how to answer. The fact he knows I ‘tutor’ someone now feels like a window opened for him that he doesn’t mind lingering beside. I feel like he’s going to purposely walk me to imagery tutoring sessions, so when she ‘bails’ again, he can continuously fill up the spare time. As much as I’m sure Nate hates this, I hate it more.
Josh drives the two of us a few minutes down the road to Mimi’s. He tries not to smile like he just won a championship, but has a hard time.
I wish I knew what the obsession with me was. I assume it’s simply because I always tell him no. Part of me wishes I could say yes just so he would lose interest.
“Hey, I uh…I noticed you’ve got some bruising by your wrists and a couple on your knees,” he casually mentions. “Howd’ you hurt yourself? Stairs or somethin’ on your way to class? Need my arms for support?”
The flirty comment at the end causes me to gag internally. “No…Not the stairs.”
“Then what?”
My desire to tell him they’re from being pinned down by my boyfriend and fucked raw courses profusely through my blood. I bat away the unnecessary need to start that discussion and reply, “Work. I get a bit clumsy when we get really busy.”
He accepts the answer with a nod and pulls into a parking space rather than going through the drive through.
Josh kills the engine of his Mustang, which is when I question quickly, “What are you doing?”
“We’re gonna go in. Half the fun of Mimi’s is watching them make your crazy combination milkshakes.”
Seeing my hesitation, he promises, “Come on, Ainsley. It’ll only take an extra five minutes.”
“Okay,” I sheepishly cave, leaving my bag, but making sure to grab my cell phone.
Almost as soon as we’re out of the car, he drops his arm around me and pulls me in close. Before I can even wonder what the hell is going on, he holds up his phone and says, “Smile.”
I flash a brief one for the phone and ask, “What the hell was that about?”
“Proof,” he casually says typing away.
“That?”
“That for just one day, you didn’t tell me no.” The charming, but equally annoying, answer makes me want to roll my eyes.
I know he said there wasn’t a bet going on with his friends, but…I’m picking up on a slightly different vibe. Proof? Who needs proof some girl finally stops telling you no. And I didn’t exactly stop telling him no so much as I just stopped constantly forming the word.
We stroll across the parking lot drawing eyes and attention from many of his jock friends who are hanging out with each other or their girlfriends. They toss him waves and smirks like they’re all in on some sort of joke that I’m not privileged to.
Josh holds the door open for me at the same time I ask, “Why are they all giving you that look?”
“Because they know how willing I was to give my left nut just to make this happen.”
There’s curiosity in my voice. “What happen?”
“Alone time with you.”
Before I have a chance to grill him further, my cell phone vibrates again, stealing my attention.
At the counter, he offers, “Do you want a milkshake? Any kind. It’s on me.”
The words barely register as I read the message.
Teach: What the fuck Ainsley? Why are you at Mimi’s with him?
An uncomfortable lump clogs my throat.
Is he watching me? Has he been stalking my moves to see if I’m lying?
“Ains?”
“No, thank you,” I barely mutter while my fingers type hastily.
Me: How the hell do you know that?
“Burger?” Josh’s voice cuts through again. “Fries? They make kick ass curly fries.”
“No, thank you,” I repeat politely.
Teach: Was it supposed to be a fucking secret?
My poor choice in response causes me to cringe.
Okay. Maybe I could’ve handled that better.
Me: No. Of course not! It wasn’t even planned. He asked could he stop on the ride home. Just curious. How did you know?
Teach: Because it popped up on Facebook.
Slowly, I lift my attention to Josh who is harmlessly flirting with the girl behind the counter. From the dreamy eyed look on her face, she’s an underclassman with an oversized crush. If it were up to me, we would trade places. I would much rather shovel ice cream than be fawned over by an NFL player in the making.
My phone vibrates again without giving me a chance to answer the previous message.
Teach: You said there was nothing going on between you. That looks like a fucking date.
Me: It’s not.
Teach: Call me the minute you get home.
His lack of trust rubs me the wrong way.
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m a child who took the last cookie after swearing she wouldn’t? Why do I get the feeling that no matter what I say or no matter what I try to do to prove to him Josh is nothing more than a classmate with a crush on the wrong girl, he isn’t going to believe me? Why doesn’t he trust me? Why can’t he trust me? Why won’t he trust me? Wait. Is it me he doesn’t trust or himself?
Thankfully, his treat is made in a timely fashion and we’re headed towards my house. Josh fills the time between directions with frivolous ramblings about music and sports commentary I couldn’t care less about.
It isn’t until he pulls up to the curb that the conversation even really needs to include me. He puts down his milkshake and drops his hand on my arm to stop me from leaving. “I wanna ask you something.”
I bite my tongue to stop from snapping. “Yeah?”
“It’s about prom.”
“I-”
“Do you have a date?”
“No, but-”
“Then will you go with me?”
The hope in his voice catches me off guard. For a minute I simply stare at the anomaly. He could have basically any girl in the entire school and it’s me whose door he won’t stop knocking on. I need him to stop. I need him to stop before he finds out what’s on the other side.
“I can’t,” I sigh, already exhausted from the drama surrounding him. “I have a boyfriend.”
Like I suspected, intrigue begins to swirl around his blue eyes.
They’re not the shade of blue I could spend forever looking into. They’re not even a shade I want to spend time looking into.
“Oh,” Josh finally manages to say. “He go to the academy?”
“No. He’s a freshman at Ashwin,” I lie. Selling the dream I’m glad never came true because I love Nate more than I probably ever could the fantasy boyfriend I created, I add, “We met while I was working one night.”
“At the restaurant you won’t tell me you work for.”
“Right.”
He nods slowly. “Why didn’t you mention him before?”
“Because it’s still new.”
“How new?”
“Spring Break.”
His eyes try not to narrow as he considers how he lost his opportunity by being out of town.
“We’ve been trying to keep things…quiet.”
“Because you’re still in high school and he’s embarrassed?”
“He’s not embarrassed.”
“Maybe not to your face,” Josh coldly retorts. Before I can get another word in, he surrenders a hand. “You’ve got a boyfriend. I get that.”
Suspicious, I wait for a follow up. “But?”
“But that doesn’t mean I have to stop trying.”
It means he should. He really really should.
I offer him a consolation smile. “Thanks for the ride home, Josh.”
“Anytime.” He offers me one more smile, this one cloaked in something dark and depraved. “I’ll text you later…”
With a slight wave, I begin towards to the front door, surprised when my phone vibrates again.
Teach: You’re seriously not fucking home yet? The drive isn’t THAT long.
I unlock the front door to our tiny brick house and begin to text a response. Unfortunately for me, four words in and my mother’s cruel voice interrupts.
“Bout time you’re home….”
Glancing up as I round the corner, I’m not too stunned at her pissed off expression. I know why she’s upset. Real question is, will she admit to it?
She gives her unruly blonde hair a tussle. “You do know this shit is getting ridiculous, Ainsley.”
A heavy sigh seeps free. “What shit?”
“Don’t treat me like I’m fucking stupid! You know exactly what I’m talking about.” When I don’t admit to anything she snaps, “You don’t fucking think I know what you’re doing? Where you really are when you say you’re working late? You don’t think I know you’re rolling around in the sheets with your little boyfriend?”
I fold my arms defensively across my chest but remain silent.
“I saw his car outside. I know what kind of boy he is and I’ve got news for you daughter. He’s gonna leave your sorry ass the minute something tighter comes along!”
The urge to tell her I’m praying he does rolls around my tongue.
“Guys like that don’t love you! They love what’s between your legs! They love to shower you with gifts like that camera you don’t think I noticed!”
Her reference to the camera Nate let me keep at the end of our vacation causes me to glare.
“You’re just something cheap to pass the time with. That’s why they throw you bullshit like that. They don’t love you Ainsley and they never will. You’re not the girl they marry. You’re the girl they bang between wife material. You’re the dirty little sport fuck they have after work and before they have to get home to their wife and kids!”
Her insistence that her own life is going to become mine forces bile to burn its way up my chest.
“I’ve done everything I can, everything, to remind you that you are worth more than what lies between your legs yet here you are, lying on your back repeatedly for the first thick wallet to walk through our living room. Well I’m done! Done! You wanna throw your life away for some dick you can’t seem to get enough of then fine! That’s fine! Have it! The day you graduate, you pack your shit and move into his place! See how much he really loves you then!”
The end of her tantrum stumbles me backwards. My jaw hits the ground and I gasp, “You’re kicking me out?”
“You don’t wanna show me respect by listening to me like I’m your mother then I don’t want you under my fucking roof!”
“I pay to be under this fucking roof!”
“You barely pay for shit!” She sneers. “Besides you seem to have found your meal ticket out of here, take it and hope it doesn’t fuck you over before you get to college. That is if you even still go since riding dick is your new found focus.”
My jaw begins to tremble in a twisted fit of rage and hopelessness. Her words echo in the back of my mind, much like the sound of my phone vibrating between my fingers. How can she do this to her own daughter? And why on earth would I ever treat her like ‘a mom’ when she barely treats me like more than a shitty roommate she found on Craig’s List?
A throbbing starts in my head and I turn back to retreat the way I came, knowing I need to escape before things get out of hand even more. She’s only hit me twice, but both times had a prelude similar to this.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” She bites. “There’s laundry to be done! I need some of that shit for work tomorrow!”
I spin around on my heels. “Then I suggest you fucking do it yourself since you’re going to be the only one living here in a couple months anyway.”
Her mouth cracks open as if surprised.
“Oh, and I flushed your stash by the way. Next time you wanna hide it from the landlord either do it in your own room or fuck him on the couch if you don’t wanna bother to bury it where it belongs.”
She mumbles profanity under her breath and I storm out the front door. That’s the real reason she’s kicking me out. She didn’t like that I didn’t re-hide it for her. Help keep the habit she loves more than me hidden from the man who swore to kick us out if he found her using again.
When the door finally slams behind me, I swallow the sob of frustration I was holding and lift my phone to text Nate. However, the three messages waiting for me stop the action.
Teach: This is fucking ridiculous. You should be home by now. Are you fucking with me on purpose?
Teach: Is this some sort of fucking game to make me jealous?
Teach: Fuck this. Don’t come by tonight.
A tear tumbles down my cheek and I roll my eyes.
Not in the mood to deal with any more unnecessary drama, I swipe to call Sloane, and start walking the direction of her house, praying under my breath she’s home.
I’m not sure exactly what I did for some higher power to think I deserved all this today, but I wish I knew so I could quickly beg for forgiveness. I guess I should be thankful that even though my mother hates me and my boyfriend is convinced I’m suddenly some cheating slut he can’t trust, that I have a best friend I can rely on. I’m just hoping in the bigger picture things get worked out with Nate so it’s not her bedroom I’m moving my few boxes into while I wait for my dorm to be ready.