Chapter 14

Something was wrong. Eleanor hadn’t been the same since they’d returned from London. And that had been three days ago.

At first Caleb thought having to face death had affected her more than he had realized. It would be understandable if that were the reason she was so distant. But there was something more. He knew there was.

She avoided being near him as often as possible. She no longer came down for breakfast each morning like she had before, but had a tray sent to her room. A footman was stationed outside her study door to prevent anyone from entering. When he approached her study, he was told that Lady Grattling was busy and had asked not to be disturbed.

After attempts to see her over several days, Caleb finally insisted that the footman inform Eleanor that he was there and requested a moment of her time. The answer was the same. She was too busy to see him right now.

Caleb walked away feeling angrier at her than he had thought it was possible to feel. How long did she need to recover from the night they’d killed Blackboot? Unless that wasn’t the reason she was unapproachable. Unless what bothered her had nothing to do with the thought that she might have died. Which meant there was another reason, and the only other monumental thing that had happened that night was that she’d admitted that she loved him.

Caleb stopped where he was and leaned his back on the hard stone wall of the manor house. He dropped his head back until it hit the wall and closed his eyes. Of course.

He pushed himself away from the wall and stormed into the manor house, his determined steps eating the distance to Eleanor’s study. He refused to let her hide away. He refused to forget what she’d said, as if it weren’t the most important confession of his lifetime. Or hers.

He walked up to the footman guarding the study door and gently nudged him aside.

“Lady Eleanor doesn’t—”

“Does it look like I care what Lady Eleanor wants?” He grabbed the latch on the door and brought it down.

“No, Captain. It doesn’t.”

That was all Caleb heard as he threw open the door and barged into the room. Eleanor’s gaze shot up when he slammed the door behind him and stormed in.

“I’ve given you time enough to come to grips with what happened the night we got rid of Blackboot. And I’m not talking about his death. Or the fact that I took the biggest chance of my life and could have lost you forever if I had missed.”

Caleb leaned forward and flattened his hands atop the desk. His eyes locked with hers, and he refused to soften his gaze. “I want you to know that if something had happened to you, I wouldn’t have survived what I’d done.”

“Captain, I—”

“I’m not finished.” He straightened to his full six-foot-plus height. “I heard you, Eleanor. I heard what you said as if you had shouted it from the rooftops. And I wasn’t surprised.” He leaned forward again. “Do you know why I wasn’t surprised?”

He straightened again and walked around the desk until he was next to her. He reached down and clasped his fingers around her arms and brought her to her feet. Fear and hope filled her eyes as he turned her to face him. “I wasn’t surprised, because I’ve known how you feel about me since the first time we kissed.”

She tried to step out of his grasp, but he wouldn’t let her go. Her hands were on his chest but not pushing him away. They seemed to wish him forward.

“No one kisses the way you and I kissed without their true feelings coming through. There’s a passion between us that isn’t common. It’s special. It’s how two people who love each other react to one another. As if you own half of my heart, and I possess half of yours.”

Eleanor turned her head to avoid looking at him. Caleb placed his finger against her jaw and forced her to face him. “Do you know how I know this, duchess?”

She lowered her gaze.

“I know this because I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. I’ve never felt as if I couldn’t survive without that person. As if that person is the reason I want to live. As if I’ve already given her my heart because I trust her enough to cherish it.”

“Please, Caleb,” she whispered. Tears flowed freely now. They streaked down her cheeks, and Caleb wanted to brush them away. But to do that he would have to release her, and he was afraid that if he let her go, she’d run away from him.

“Eleanor?” He heard the pleading in his voice but was loath to banish it. He’d beg if he had to.

She lifted her head, and for the first time he saw a raw hurt in her eyes. He saw pain and regret and a sorrow that reached her very soul. The power of it forced his fingers to loosen their grasp, but he could not let her go.

“Do you still love him that much?”

She seemed surprised that he would mention her deceased husband. She lowered her gaze and turned her head.

“I see.” Caleb dropped his hands from her.

Eleanor turned away from him and walked to the window that overlooked the children playing in the yard beyond the house. Caleb ached with every step she took. Her bearing was so changed. She moved not as the regal, confident countess, but as a woman whose hurt had robbed her of her strength. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I never meant for this to happen.”

Caleb told himself that he could survive this. He told himself that no one he’d ever heard of had died from a broken heart. But that wasn’t the way he felt. He thought that if no one ever had, he might be the first.

He turned, and on legs that trembled beneath him, he left the room and closed the door behind him.

. . .

Eleanor heard the door close and wondered how long it would take her to recover from this loss. She remembered how long it had been after the accident before she thought she would survive. Maybe it was that enough years had passed since that horrible time nine years ago that she didn’t remember how certain she’d been that she couldn’t live another day, but the pain she felt today seemed more intense.

She reached for the wooden window frame to steady herself and watched the children at play. How could they be so happy when her world had just collapsed around her? How could they seem so full of life when she was certain she’d just died inside? How could they run and laugh when all she wanted to do was lie down and cry?

Her breath caught in her throat when Caleb walked across the meadow. It was obvious he hadn’t come out to play with the children, because it took them several attempts to stop him. When he finally did stop, he only remained long enough to throw the ball a few times. He mussed the hair of several of the children in an affectionate display, then continued on his way.

Eleanor lost sight of him when he entered a copse of trees. There was a small stream on the other side of the trees, and Eleanor was sure that was Caleb’s destination. It was quiet there, and he could be alone. If she were him, that’s where she’d be right now.

Someplace where her heart could break in silence.