CHAPTER NINETEEN
‡
“You’re not leaving here a virgin,” she whispered. “And neither am I.”
Thomas looked worried. He shook his head. “Your father will not forgive me.”
That made Tammy mad. “Well, forget Daddy. It’s not his life. This is what I want.” Her eyes got big. “I mean…if it’s what you want.”
Thomas heaved a sigh. “I want this more than anything.”
“We just have to find a way to do it without starting any fires.”
“This is truly what you want? In spite of what your family will think?”
She nodded, sure of herself now.
Thomas looked wistful then he smiled. It was so tender, so…so pure it almost broke Tammy’s heart. “This is what Michael talked about. I can do what you want without fires, because you want it. Be not afraid, Tammy. Michael told me the secret.”
“What’s the secret?” God, but she hoped there was a secret.
“To think about what you want and what you need, not what worries me. That will be easy for me. I think about you all the time.”
“Michael told you that?” This was suspicious.
“He told me all the secrets.” Thomas cupped her face, tenderly. “He said my problem is that I grow anxious because I am afraid I will not be good for you. But that will not be a problem now that I know how to do sex so you will like it.”
Dear God. Michael had given him “the talk.”
But she didn’t have time to think more because Thomas leaned in and swept his soft, full lips over hers, so gently, like a whisper of what would come. It made the tightness in her loins ramp up. She was sure her panties were already soaked.
Then he put out the tip of his tongue and licked her lips, teasing her to open. When she did, he slid his tongue inside, along her teeth, around the inside of her lips. She breathed in his breath, and it seemed like all the sustenance she would ever need. If her panties weren’t soaked before, they sure were now.
Thomas pulled back. “Was that all right, Tammy?”
She couldn’t speak. His heat, the musk of his lust, the feel of his biceps under her hands—it was all too much for her. But she made her nod as definitive as she could. If he didn’t kiss her again right this minute, she would go up in flames without him.
He leaned in again and this time the kiss was gentle but thorough, his tongue exploring her mouth, sliding along hers. Tammy hadn’t been kissed since she was in sixth grade, back when she could go to public school, and Davie Kirby, the popular guy in class, kissed her out behind the building where they kept the sports equipment. It had felt…slimy. This was way different, and not just because Davie had braces. Davie had been a groping boy and Thomas was a man. Dear God, was he a man. The touch of tongues was moist and incredibly intimate. She ran her hands up over his shoulders and in under his hair to cup his neck. His neck was strong like the rest of him, and yet it seemed so vulnerable, the skin so soft. She tangled her tongue with his. She suddenly didn’t resent the kisses she’d never had, or being confined to the estate for her teenage years. She’d been waiting for this kiss. This moment. This man.
Thomas deepened the kiss and she pressed herself to his chest. She felt breathless, but it wasn’t because she couldn’t get air. It was she who broke the kiss before she lost her mind.
“Didn’t you like that?” Thomas asked. A little anxiety had crept into his voice.
“That was one of the best kisses ever. Not that I’ve had more than one before this one. But still.” Her brows drew together. “Where did you learn to kiss like that?”
“Michael taught me.”
“I don’t think so.” She couldn’t imagine Michael kissing Thomas.
“Well, he told me about it and how you would want to feel. I improvised a little. Did you feel treasured?”
“Pretty darned treasured.” She cleared her throat. “Could you treasure me some more?”
He grinned and visibly relaxed. “I can treasure you all night, Tammy.”
He gathered her into his chest as they kissed again. While she was thinking about the kiss, she realized he was laying her back onto the serape.
Now his hand caressed her breast through the stretchy black top she wore. She felt her nipples peak. She groaned into his mouth. He smiled against her mouth.
“What’s funny?” she asked breathlessly, through the kisses, more urgent now.
“Michael warned me that you would groan, but that it meant you liked what I was doing, not that I was hurting you.”
Michael is a genius. “Yeah. Don’t stop.”
“You will like this even better.” He thumbed her nipple and began moving his lips over her cheekbones and chin, feathering small kisses there.
Yup. Maybe not better, but a lot. Still, she had some obligation here. And she hadn’t had the benefit of coaching from Michael. (Thank goodness! She couldn’t imagine Michael telling her how to have sex.) But she’d read romances. She reached for the front of his jeans and pressed her palm along the thick ridge of his cock under the zipper. She was rewarded with a breath sucked in like it was his last.
“You let me know if you’re feeling the heat build inside you,” she ordered, breathless.
“Different kind of heat,” he murmured. “But I will.”
As he kissed her neck she bared it to him and was surprised to feel her hips rolling restlessly on their makeshift bed. He kissed the notch in her throat, her collarbone. The ache in her loins got almost painful.
He raised himself above her on his hands. “Do you think it’s time to remove clothing?”
She grinned, suddenly shy, and nodded.
“Let me help you.” He took her stretchy black top by the hem and pulled it over her head, turning it inside out. “Oh.” He seemed rather stunned. “Can I look at you?”
“Only if you take off your shirt so I have something to look at too.” She reached behind herself and unhooked her bra. No sense in making him fumble with that. He ripped his tee shirt off in one move, eyes never leaving her, revealing pale skin, bulging pectorals with soft, flat, pinky-brown nipples, ribbed abdomen, and bulky shoulders. Light chest hair turned into a slender arrow down his abdomen, diving into the front of his jeans. She’d always known the man was beautiful. She could hardly wait to see him naked.
She felt a little hesitant to shed her bra entirely. But Thomas did exactly the right thing. He stood and unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his jeans while he toed off his boots. In just a few moments, he was naked, again beside her, propped on one elbow, his erect cock stiff and actually pretty intimidating. Was all that going to fit inside her?
“Sorry,” he said hastily, watching her expression. “I think maybe you don’t like my penis? I meant to be naked so you wouldn’t feel more vulnerable than me.”
“That was sweet, Thomas.” She swallowed. “Can’t say I’ve seen a, uh, human penis in the flesh before. Just paintings and statues and stuff. And never one with an erection. But I’m getting used to it.”
“You can touch it if you wish to familiarize yourself with it,” he said, doubtfully. “It’s not very…well…attractive, I know. But I washed it very thoroughly right before dinner.”
Attractive wasn’t the right word. Fascinating, maybe. Compelling. “Okay.” She slipped out of her bra entirely and reached for his cock.
“Just, uh, not very much. Because Michael says I have to last no matter what.”
That made her chuckle. Thank goodness for Michael, for both their sakes. He was giving her directions through Thomas as well.
Thomas’s cock was silky smooth. She touched it gently. In the semi-darkness she couldn’t really tell the color, but it looked darker than his pale skin, nested in a tangle of hair. The shape of its head while erect was not what she expected. She was used to Cally’s and the goats’ male equipment. Thomas’s was nicer, thank goodness—more compact. Underneath the almost delicate skin, it was hard. Tentatively, she folded her fist around it, just to see how hard it was. It filled her hand, iron and velvet. She almost jumped when it throbbed in her palm.
“Sorry,” Thomas whispered.
“Oh, don’t be sorry,” she breathed. “I think that means you like being touched.”
“Yes.” He swallowed. “But remember what Michael said.” That was almost a plea.
She ran her hand up over the head, surprised to find a leaking drop of liquid there. She knew about ejaculations, but this wasn’t one of those. The romances had spoken of jerking and jetting fluid. Leaky plumbing maybe? She looked up at Thomas.
“That’s okay,” he said, confidently. “Michael said it was pre-come. Just a little fluid for, uh…” Here he swallowed as she rubbed the liquid over the tip of his cock. “Uh…lubrication. It happens when I get excited. Not in a bad way excited, like fire. Michael thinks I start fires when I get worried. That’s why it was so good of him to tell me what to expect. I’m not worried, Tammy. We can do this. And now I know I won’t set you on fire.” He paused. His mouth curled in a sweet, almost sly grin. “Not that way at least.”
In truth she was on fire, her genitals aching with need.
“So, uh, my turn?” At her jerky nod Thomas reached out and touched her breasts, cupping one with his left hand, squeezing gently. “So beautiful,” he murmured.
She pressed her breast into his hand, rubbed her nipple in his palm. Suddenly, she wanted more. Her hips thrust toward him without her permission. But he never lost his focus on her breasts. He dipped his head and latched those succulent lips onto her left nipple, teasing and licking and sucking.
Oh, Lord. How had she never known that there was a nerve network connecting her nipple directly with her throbbing core? She ran her hands around his hipbone to his powerful buttocks, remembering Michael’s admonition. No matter how much she wanted to tug on his cock, it was okay not to. Thomas had said they had all night. What a feeling of freedom! She was at last, tonight, going to relieve all the frustration of the past days. She was going to bond to Thomas, for better or for worse, in sickness or in Clan disasters, until death did them part, however long that might be. And she was going to save him from the horrible purpose Morgan had planned for him. She kneaded the muscles in his butt, feeling his breath on her breast come faster even as he grew more assiduous in his attention to her nipples with his mouth and hand.
It wasn’t enough. She wanted more. She forced herself to wait. It was his first time too, no matter that Michael had given him what was obviously a very good version of “the talk.” She pushed him gently back and got up on one elbow. With a sly grin she pushed him back more, until he was spread on the blanket in the straw on his back.
“My turn,” she whispered. She ran her hands over his hip and up the muscles of his abdomen, through the light hair there, then up to his far nipple, rubbing, tweaking it. He raised his head to watch her.
“That feels very…strange, Tammy. But good.”
She bent her head to his other nipple. Thank goodness for those romances. Who would ever have thought that men’s nipples were sensitive too, different as they were?
“Oh,” he panted.
She loved the feel of the small, flat nipple puckering up and jutting into her mouth as she sucked and licked at it. Her hand strayed to his genitals again, but this time she avoided his cock and smoothed it over his testicles. He obligingly opened his legs to give her better access. She could feel the stones rubbing together gently under the loose skin of his sac. “I bet no one has ever touched your balls before,” she whispered.
“Not like that.”
What did he mean, not like that? Who would have touched his balls? She thought he was a virgin. Thomas looked trapped. “What happened?” she asked, controlling her urge to scream. She had never felt so possessive in her life.
He closed his eyes and took several big, deep calming breaths. Uh-oh. That meant he was worried or frightened and having to tamp down his gift. Was it her fault? She tried not to think about the mounds of straw around them, the bales of hay, the old wood of the barn. “I’m not angry,” she half lied. “Just curious.”
She saw him master it. He opened his eyes. He seemed…resigned. “The monks would bind them, sometimes, as punishment for night emissions, while they scourged me. Or sometimes they would lock my genitals in a cage so erections would be painful.”
“What?” she exclaimed, sitting up.
“Oh, now my weakness has spoiled everything.” He too scooted up, looking pained. “I didn’t want you to know how disobedient, how impure I was. But you asked. And I can’t lie to you, Tammy, even by omission. You must be repulsed by me.” This last was said in such a desperate tone that desperate measures were required.
She scooted in and gathered him into a hug, her jeans scraping his bare hip, her bare breasts pressed to his chest. “Repulsed by what they did to you, not by you,” she whispered into his ear. “I could never be repulsed by you.” Her hands, moving on his back, felt the crisscrossed lines of scars from the whippings. “How could they have treated you like that?”
“They were trying to make me better, so I could fulfill whatever purpose Morgan had for me. It was no more than they expected from themselves.”
“Don’t try to excuse their torture, Thomas.” She held him away and looked into his pained eyes. Even in this dim light she could tell they were unhappy blue. “You needed love. They gave you asceticism.” God, she’d like to clamp every one of those monks’ balls in a vise. Only they’d probably enjoy it. She took a breath. It did no good to dwell on it. The way for him to get over it was to discover that he was worthy of love. “That’s never happening again. And P.S. having night emissions is normal, especially for someone who is—how old?”
“Twenty-six,” he supplied.
“A healthy young man of twenty-six who has never been allowed to have sex or even ejaculate on purpose…why I’m surprised you didn’t burst or something.” She paused, thinking. “I’m twenty-four, and I’ve never…” Wow. “Maybe all that repressed sexual energy is why our powers came on so fast, without ever…you know…doing it.”
Thomas thought that over in his deliberate way. “So, what happens to our powers when we do…do sex?”
She felt the slow smile spreading across her face. “I don’t know,” she said, the feeling the rising again in her loins. She glanced to Thomas’s lap and saw his cock stiffen again. “But it could be very, very interesting.”
She stood up and pushed her stretchy yoga pants down over her hips. “Let’s find out.”
*
Thomas looked up at Tammy and felt the reverence Brother Theodosius had tried to teach him to have for Morgan cascade over his soul for the first time. Was this what Shakespeare meant by love? It was more than the kind you had for your mother and father. It had a whole new dimension. The moon must have risen outside, since the light coming in through the hayloft door brightened and silvered. Tammy’s creamy skin gleamed whitely, her hair a shadowy fire haloed against it, like the one in his loins. But the kiln was safely shut against his gift by her words and the spontaneous generosity of her hug. She had never committed to him. Not the way he knew in his soul that he was bound to her. But she accepted him, thought he was normal. Defended him to her family, even though he wasn’t worthy of her. He would do the same, he realized. He would defend her with his life. What he was about to do her father would hate. But Tammy wanted it. That was enough. He would tackle the problem of her father later.
The darker red of the hair at her mound fascinated him as much as the curve of her breasts. Her nipples had been soft until he licked them to prominence, and they were prominent still. She held out a hand to him. She was so fearless. He took it and pulled her down toward him. He wanted to give her everything. Everything he was, all the pleasure in the world. He would, too, starting now. He rolled her over onto her back on the blanket, covering her, with his weight held off her with his elbows. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself in her. But now he wasn’t sure. He’d seen the pictures. He knew what was supposed to happen. But now that he saw the narrow space between her thighs, he wasn’t sure how his massive erection was supposed to go in there without hurting her. Even if he did get in, Michael said there would be some pain for her. So he put his worry about that aside and decided on the other way Michael had told him to give her pleasure. The book had been less helpful in technique for pleasing her with his mouth, but Michael had been detailed on this point. He could do it.
He inched his body down hers, kissing her along the way. He nuzzled her mound, the soft hair carrying her lovely, delicate scent. He would be content to die, right here, right now, if the delights to come had not been so enticing. He pushed her thighs gently apart. They were wet.
“Oh,” she said, surprised, getting up on her elbows. “I…”
“Is this acceptable?” he asked, raising his head. “I think it will be pleasurable.”
She was blushing. The flush started at her chest and went up her neck to her cheeks. “If you’re sure you want to…I mean….”
He smiled. “I’m sure.” He pushed her back down ever so gently. Michael had said she might be shy. “Just think about my mouth on you, serving you, worshipping you.”
She chuckled nervously. “Well, when you put it that way. I just never thought…”
He smoothed away the hair from her nether lips and parted them with his fingers. Then he ran his tongue between her folds. She was hot and throbbing and juicy with a sweet musk that tasted like nothing he had ever experienced before. He loved it. He slid his tongue up toward her clitoris and found it already emerged from its small hood. Tammy bucked under his hands on her hips as he touched it. He knew that might happen. It was a good thing. He pressed his tongue down on her clitoris and just held it there, then moved it softly up and down toward her opening. Yes, there it was. This was where he would later put his organ. He slicked around it with his tongue. That made his nose rub up against the little nub. Tammy started to move her hips. They thrust up toward his mouth. That was good. He slicked his tongue back up and moved it side to side across his target. Tammy groaned. Thomas smiled into her flesh. Thank you, Michael. He pressed harder, then released.
Her hips relaxed for a moment and then surged up, begging for more. She was so open to him. It was a gift. He wouldn’t waste it. He pressed his tongue into service once again and felt her hands tangle in his hair, holding his head, demanding more. He held her hips in place to steady her. He was glad for the muscles all the hard work had given him. They helped him pleasure Tammy more effectively. Down and back, circle her opening, press her nub, side to side, surprising her with variation, Thomas worked for the orgasm he knew he could give her. Carefully, he inserted a finger in her vagina and worked it in and out. She began to make little panting grunts, her fingers pulling on his hair. Michael said he would be able to feel her hymen. Yes, there it was. It wasn’t smooth, but more feathery.
That was good. Michael said that because Tammy was so active and had ridden horses and climbed trees, her hymen might have been torn a little, which was good because it would make penetration less painful. Even thinking the word “penetration” made his penis throb painfully. Tammy was crying his name, her voice drenched in want. Was now the time? He wasn’t sure. But if he didn’t get it right, Michael said he could relax for a few seconds, just hold her close, kissing her, and start again. So he took the plunge and sucked on her clitoris directly, fairly hard. Tammy screamed and bucked, twisting and thrusting. It was all he could do to keep his contact, hold her in place. She writhed and convulsed, and he was very glad he’d been warned or he would have been sure he’d killed her. When at last she went limp, he grabbed his shirt, wiped his mouth and slid up to press his chest against hers. He was as hard as he had ever been in his life, his penis almost painful, but he hadn’t ejaculated. Those years of practicing restraint might have had a happy consequence. He had controlled himself until she had her pleasure first, just as Michael said he should.
“Oh, Thomas,” she sighed into his shoulder. “So that’s what all the fuss is about.”
What did she mean?
She raised her head. “I felt that tension come into your shoulder. Don’t look so worried. It was wonderful. Silly. I had no idea oral sex could be…like that.”
He couldn’t help the pride he felt. He had given her pleasure. He took care of her. And she had said they’d had sex. He wasn’t a virgin anymore.
She narrowed her eyes. “Did the boys’ sex book talk about that? Wow.”
“A little,” he said eagerly. “But Michael gave me important tips to augment the basics.”
“I’d like to have been a fly on that wall,” she said, chuckling. “Was he embarrassed?”
“At first. But then he became very serious and intense, talking about what women liked. I think he had made a study of the subject, though he said his in-depth experience was only with Drew and his first wife, Alice. I found him very thorough though, and helpful.”
“I think you’re an Adapter.” When he shot a questioning look at her, she giggled again. “You’re a quick learner.”
He grinned, trying not to let his chest puff out with her praise. “I learned that you can do that again in a little while, if I kiss you and hold you like this.” He feathered some kisses across her cheek. Her breasts flattened under him, her hipbones pressing into his belly, her thighs still spread for him. It was making his breathing come in fits and starts.
“Well, then we have time for me to pay attention to you.” She lowered her eyes, suddenly shy. “I mean, you know, get you ready.” She moved her hand down to his cock and rolled him gently to the side, extracting her leg.
“I am very ready, Tammy.”
“Oh. Yes. I see that. Is it…is it painful?”
“There is an aching,” he admitted.
“Yeah. I know that one. I ached too. In fact,” she paused, “I’m kinda aching again now. Do you think we should maybe try…?”
“For penetration?”
She nodded, big-eyed.
“Okay. There…may be some pain.”
“I know. The virgin thing.”
“Michael says if I’m still for a while to let you get used to it, the pain will pass.” The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tammy. “Maybe we should wait. Or maybe tomorrow…”
“I promised you weren’t leaving here a virgin, and I’m not either, Thomas Llewellyn.”
“But we aren’t virgins now, are we? We had oral sex.”
“Just because one of us had an orgasm and we were…intimate, doesn’t mean we’re not virgins.” She squeezed his penis gently and ran her hand out to the tip and back. He sucked in a breath. A woman’s hand. On his penis. He suddenly decided that if he were ever to take up a religion, he’d choose the religion of the Old Norse, where warriors were taken to Valhalla to drink and fight and eat and make love to Valkyries every night. Of course, he only wanted one Valkyrie. He imagined Tammy in leather armor and nothing else. She caressed his testicles now, squeezing them gently, then up to his penis again. He was having a hard time getting enough air in the musty loft.
“Now, I think it’s time to shed that virgin status once and for all.”
He nodded breathlessly. He sure hoped Michael was right about how to do this. How would he find Tammy’s vagina with his penis? How would his penis fit into the small opening he’d felt with his tongue?
“Breathe,” she said, opening her thighs. He scooted between them, trying to calm himself. Michael and the book hadn’t failed him yet. He bent to kiss Tammy and supported himself on one elbow while he took hold of his penis firmly at the base. Now he’d find her folds, burrow between them and slide down until he felt a depression. Unfortunately, it was becoming very difficult to think. Tammy was using her tongue inside his mouth and he had never felt anything so wet and soft and sensual except the folds he was exploring between her legs.
There was the depression. The tip of his penis slid inside, just barely. Yes! He had it. Tammy moaned into his mouth, thrusting her breasts up against his chest. Dear gods! He pushed a little and it entered further, such that he thought he could take his hand away. Tammy groaned. Had he gone too fast? He pulled out.
“No, no, I need more, Thomas,” she murmured restlessly.
More. Yes. His penis agreed. This time it was easy to slip back in. He pushed a little farther. She was so tight around him. It felt as though her hand gripped him, but smoother, wetter. He was panting like he’d been bucking hay. Then he felt it. A barrier. This was the moment. He bent to suckle her breast, distracting her. How he hoped her hymen was a little torn already, so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Could he bear to hurt her?
But she had felt the barrier too. She grabbed his buttocks and pulled him toward her. It was clear what she wanted. He thrust through.
“Oh!”
*
Thomas looked terrified at her yelp. Oh, dear, Tammy thought. He stilled, stiff inside her, fully seated now, filling her, stretching her. Tammy had never felt so connected to anyone.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, guilt suffusing his expression.
“It wasn’t that bad,” she managed. Then she smiled. “It’s great to feel you inside me.”
Relief flooded his face. He moved in to kiss her, so gently. He put his arms under her shoulders and cradled her to his chest. “I want to stay this way forever, Tammy.”
“I know what you mean.” She caught her breath. “But maybe with a little more, uh, friction?”
He raised his head. “Now?”
She couldn’t suppress a grin. “You’re still a virgin until you ejaculate inside me.”
“I don’t think that’s the definition of ‘virgin,’ Tammy. You are making this up.”
“Well,” she temporized. “There are probably degrees. I want to be thorough.”
The word “thorough” seemed to inflame him. He began moving inside her, in and out, the slickness of her juices lubricating them both. As he pushed in, his pubic bone pressed on her clit and stretched her tissues, ramping up her feelings yet again. She was on fire, bucking under him to grind her pelvis against him. The pressure was building like the geyser at Yellowstone just as it had when he was licking her. And the thought of him licking her, the feel of her fingers gently tugging on his cock, the sheen of sweat on his body—no, their bodies, all made this seem so inevitable. She wasn’t worried about not being able to have an orgasm. She’d had a doozy just a while ago, and now she’d have one again, and she saw a future of endless pleasure with Thomas and for Thomas with that wave, building below the surface, ready to…
God.
Her body convulsed again. Thomas pistoned inside her in small rapid strokes as the orgasm went on and on. The blood buzzed in her head until there was nothing but sensation and overwhelming release.
It took several moments until she realized that Thomas hadn’t joined her.
“Tammy, was it good?” he whispered.
“You’re about to find out, guy. Don’t think I’m doing this without you. Come for me, Thomas.”
At the order he pushed inside her again and began to move. In seconds his body arched and a cry escaped him as he stilled except for the jerking of his cock inside her. She felt the jet of his semen bathing her inner walls as his trembling went on and on. He was so beautiful, his body limned in dim light, his hair damp on his powerful shoulders, the muscles in his strong body delineated by the rictus of his ejaculation.
At last he collapsed to the side, rolling her with him, keeping them joined.
“Tammy,” he murmured, kissing her hair, cradling her head to his throat. He said it like a prayer. She could feel his heart thumping in his chest.
She caressed the muscles in his back, feeling the lines of his scars. She cupped his buttocks, feeling the scars there too, to keep the two of them together. This was where she belonged. And she wanted Thomas forever, not just for tonight. Morgan thought to sacrifice him, but the bitch was reckoning without Tammy. All her fear of the dark days ahead were transformed by the white heat of their lovemaking into something else, not hate for Morgan, not exactly anticipation. Maybe resolution. Tammy was going to fight for her right to a life with Thomas so that she could have many more nights just like this one.
She lifted her head to look into his eyes, and what she saw there only deepened her resolution. He loved her. It was there in his eyes. He’d made a commitment to her family tonight at dinner, if not to her. And yet his commitment was there in his eyes. A man like Thomas wouldn’t make it lightly. Of course, the fact that they were Destined sealed the deal, for her as well as for him, but he might not know that.
So she had to tell him.
“There,” she said. “You’re not a virgin, Thomas. And you don’t belong to Morgan. I love you and you belong to me and nobody is going to take you away from me, ever.”