Waking up with a warm body wrapped around me is a completely foreign feeling. A welcome foreign feeling when it comes to the owner of the body. Mother fucking Mackenzie Mueller stayed the entire night, and damn if I didn’t sleep like a baby with her wrapped around me. We didn’t pass out until well after two am, and when we finally curled into each other, her head on my chest and our legs tangled around each other, it took all of two minutes to fall asleep. She’s comfort. She’s perfection. She’s hot as hell.
She’s mine.
The clock reads ten am, but it feels like we just fell asleep. I could lie here with her all day, but I know that’s not going to happen. Eventually we’ll need to greet the world, and if I’m not mistaken I have to babysit Carter tonight so I’m going to need to do some cleaning up before the monster gets here.
Yellow’s scratching at the door and I feel bad that he’s been alone all night, but I could tell she was hesitant around him and didn’t want to weird her out letting him in here last night. Baby steps, right? I need to let him out, but she’s way too comfortable to move.
He starts whining and I groan when I realize he’s not going to stop. I shift in bed and slide out from under her, somehow finding enough grace in my maneuver to not wake her up. Before I leave the room, I toss on a pair of boxers then glance back at Mackenzie. She’s tangled in my sheets, hair wild and not a trace of clothes on that beautiful body. Her body’s fucking gorgeous, and standing here staring at her I have the scary thought that waking up to this woman for the rest of my life wouldn’t be too bad. I can’t be thinking this yet. It’s way too damn early on. She doesn’t even know how much she likes me yet!
I manage to sneak out of the bedroom without her waking up and Yellow all but attacks me out of excitement, his tail wagging so hard it’s thumping on the wall and I can’t help but laugh. He’s old, but he’s got a lot left in him still.
I walk to the sliding door in the kitchen and crack it open just enough for him to run outside, then slide it closed and head for the coffee pot. I’m looking forward to spending time with my nephew tonight, but it sucks it means Mackenzie and I won’t have alone time. If I had it my way we wouldn’t leave that bedroom all weekend expect to eat or piss. She’s someone I can see myself getting addicted to. I haven’t had that feeling since… Caroline… Fuck me.
What the hell have I done? Six years is enough time to spend a full night with a woman and not, for once, think about my first love, right? Does that make me a terrible person? That I forgot about Caroline?
“Shit,” I huff, heading to the fridge. My head is spinning. Fucking spinning, and my hand is shaking as I pour the whiskey into my coffee.
One gulp starts to calm me and the anxiety starts to subside. I can do this. I can fall for another girl, for real, because Caroline’s gone. She’s been gone. And Mackenzie is right down the hall in my bedroom.
My front door swings open with a thud as it hits the wall and I run to the foyer, glaring at my sister who’s standing there with two shopping bags in her hand.
“Sup, big bro?” She barges past me and my eyes fly to my bedroom door.
“Reagan, what the hell?” I whisper yell at her as she plops the bags down loudly on my table.
“I brought over some things for Carter tonight. I’m still helping sit, right?” She glances around the kitchen and cringes. “Geeze, Ford. Clean much?” Her hands are on her hips and the only thing I can do is worry that Mack will come out of that room without clothes on, and as hot as that’d be, I don’t want it to be while my sister’s here.
“Can you come back later, Reag?” My eyes go wide when I hear the bedroom door handle jiggle and a smile slowly spreads on Reagan’s face.
“Company?” she whispers and I nod, squeezing my eyes shut when the door opens. “Mack?” Reagan whispers even quieter and I nod again, clearing my throat and turning to see Mackenzie walking into the kitchen.
She’s got on my ‘Free Hugs’ t-shirt and pair of my boxers, her hair falling wild down her back and her cheeks pink as fuck. I stare at her tits in that shirt, the pain in my gut from the girl I’m falling for wearing the shirt my dead girl bought me years ago almost too much to handle, but when she takes a few steps towards us and tucks her hair behind her ear, I suddenly feel worse that we’re in this situation with my sister.
The last thing I want to do is embarrass her.
“Hey,” she says timidly.
Reagan’s eyes are wide and the smile on her face can’t be hidden.
“Good morning, Mackenzie,” I say, walking over and planting a kiss on her forehead, then wrap an arm around her and usher her into the kitchen to get this over with. “Reagan, this is Mackenzie. Mack, this is my sister Reagan. She thinks she lives here but she’s dead wrong. I work with her every day at West House, but I guess she can’t get enough of my awesome self so she’s here now. For some reason.” I nod to Reagan and she gives me a look.
“Good to meet you, Mackenzie. And I don’t work with him, I’d probably quit if that’s the case. I own the boutique on the property.”
“That’s awesome!” Mackenzie pauses and looks at Reagan weird. “I think I’ve met you before. Do you know Dot? Dot…oh God what’s his last name?”
“Folley?” Reagan’s face twists. “Yes. He’s my ex.”
“That’s right! You were at his birthday party!”
I’m standing here, watching these two girls realize they know each other and I could kill my sister for not telling me sooner about Mackenzie if she really did know her.
“I was,” Reagan nods slowly. “You brought the cupcakes…”
“I did.” Mack presses her lips together, trying not to laugh. “I’m happy he’s your ex. No offense. But the guy’s a mega tool.”
“Trust me, I know.” Reagan laughs and I shift to lean against the counter, watching this conversation happen in front of me like I’m not even here. I mean, at least they seem to get along!
“He was. You deserve better. Are you seeing anyone now? I have some guy friends who would kill for a girl like you.”
Reagan busts out a laugh and shakes her head.
“Oh um… I’m fine. Thank you. And sorry I didn’t remember you right off the bat. I was a little…uh…” her eyes flick to me then she grins and shrugs. “Out of it that day.”
My ears perk up and judging by the look on her face I can tell she doesn’t want me to know whatever it is that made her ‘out of it.’ I’m not fucking stupid. I know she lights up every now and then. If it’s anything more than that, though, her ass is grass.
“It’s all good. I didn’t stay long. When he told me I couldn’t bring regular, gluten filled cupcakes to his birthday party I decided to skip out early.”
The girls both start laughing and I clap my hands together, breaking up their little pow wow.
“Alright Reag. As you can see, we were busy. So if you could kindly see your way out.” I nod at the door, pushing off the counter and Mackenzie slaps my arm.
“Don’t be so rude. I’d kill to have siblings who are so comfortable around me. Hell, I’d kill to have siblings. Period.” She smiles, then pushes past me and heads to the cupboards. “Which one’s the coffee cups in?” she asks, swinging open cabinet doors one by one.
“Left of the sink,” I mutter, then look over at Reagan who’s grinning from ear to ear, her arms crossed in front of her and wearing a look of pure satisfaction. “You can go now,” I whisper to her but all she does is laugh.
“I may stay,” she says, shrugging. “I like her.”
“I do too. A lot. But watching you two becoming best friends isn’t on the list of things I want to do today.”
My list is short. Fuck Mackenzie. All. Over. My. House.
“Ford,” Mackenzie blurts, then spins to look across the kitchen at me, holding two mugs in her hand. “Seriously?” Her eyebrows are high and the grin on her face is too fucking cute.
“I needed mugs,” I say, walking over to her. I need a reason to be near her. I need to touch her. I need my fucking sister to leave. “Don’t make fun of my style.”
“Bacon gives me a reason to get out of bed?” she asks, reading the mug before I snatch it away, then busts out laughing. “There’s a unicorn mug, too!” She waves it in the air and laughs harder. I glare over at Reagan who’s laughing right along with Mackenzie and growl.
“You two are evil. I love my mugs. And they were a fucking dollar, so deal with it!” I boast.
“You have a crazy expensive bike, and a Mustang, but you have to buy cheap novelty mugs?” Reagan’s adding fuel to the fire and Mackenzie bursts out laughing again.
“Reagan, go home,” I huff. “Mack, you can’t drink out of my mugs if you’re going to make fun of them.” I close the cabinet doors and lean against the counter, crossing my arms in front of me as Reagan laughs on her way out the front door. “Enjoy getting coffee,” I grin at Mack when the front door closes and she narrows her eyes at me.
“I’m not making fun of them. I’m jealous you have such awesome dinnerware, that’s all.” She wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my chest. “I really need that coffee, though, Ford,” she whispers, kissing my jaw.
“Are you going to make fun of my coffee mugs?” I groan when she pushes her body against mine.
“Not at all,” she murmurs, her hand snaking its way down my boxers.
“Fine,” I blurt, as soon as I hear Yellow barking to get in. “Have at them. But if you break them, you’re replacing them.” I grin at her as I walk over to let Yellow in and she laughs.
“I’m not sure I could afford your taste. I’ll be very, very careful.”
The back door slides open and Yellow comes barreling in, heading straight for Mackenzie. I watch as Mackenzie turns and smiles down at him, then she does something I never thought she’d do. She squats in front of him, giving him all the lovin’ he can handle, and smiles a very real, very carefree smile.
“You’re beautiful,” I mutter, not even sure if she heard me, but she is. The sunlight hitting her messy hair. The clothes two sizes too big, the makeup free face. She’s fucking perfect.
“I figure if I’m going to be coming around more I may as well make him a friend, right?” She stands and smiles at me.
“You’re gonna be coming around more, huh?” I can’t help but grin. “So does that mean you’re giving me a real chance? Not just a rebound chance, but a real ‘you want to date me’ chance?”
She shrugs and grins. “I have fun around you. A little fun’s never hurt anyone.” She bites her lip again, her gaze falling to the floor. “You know, I think everything I was ever told about you was just one huge lie.” Turning to the counter, she pours herself a cup of coffee and drops a few tablespoons of sugar and creamer in, stirring it silently. She’s deep in thought about something, and all I want to know is what the fuck she was told about me.
“What were you told?” I finally ask, sitting at the table. She spins, her cup in hand, and leans against the counter.
“That you were reckless. An alcoholic who didn’t know his ass from his elbow.” She shrugs, laughing. “I’m starting to think Eric was just jealous. Or worried.”
“Eric told you all this, huh?” I clench my jaw, because right now I’d love to kick his ass.
“Yep. All of it, then some. Shit about killing a girl, almost killing yourself. I think he was just worried I’d fall for you and leave him.”
My eyes go wide and I realize she has no clue about Caroline. I don’t know why she would, but I feel like it was such a big thing when it happened, that everyone here knows.
But Mackenzie wasn’t here when she died. She wasn’t here for the aftermath. She doesn’t know, and why would she?
“Well he was right to worry. Because I wanted you the first time I laid eyes on you. And back then, you were still with him.” My voice has too much emotion and I feel the anger starting to boil, so I stand abruptly and walk to the counter, grabbing my mug and making another Irish coffee. Alcoholic my fucking ass. You try losing the one person you’ve loved with your whole heart because of an accident that happened when you were driving and see how well you come out the other end.
“I’ll take some of that too.” She smiles at me and slides her mug over, so I fix hers up perfectly. “Thank you,” she says, grinning at me and bringing the mug to her lips. Her beautiful fucking lips I want wrapped around any part of me.
“Anything for you.” I take a drink, letting the smooth burn of the warm alcohol calm me.
We stand there in silence, each of us lost in thought and enjoying the quiet, for what feels like hours. I have to stop myself from thinking too much about Caroline. I’m not sure why this morning’s so bad. Yesterday I didn’t think about her at all, so I’m sure today has to do with the guilt and worry that I’m forgetting her. I can’t forget her. I never will.
When she died, I spent a lot of time at my gram’s house. She understood me. She could handle me. We bonded over my girl’s death, strangely enough. Now all she does is harp on me for being too hard on myself. ‘Accidents happen,’ she’d say. ‘It’s all in God’s plan,’ she’d preach to me. I never believed her and I still don’t. But the one thing she told me…that one day it’d stop hurting so much and turn into a happy memory of a loved one…that part’s starting to become true and it scares the piss out of me.
One of these days I’ll tell Mackenzie the whole story about Caroline. One of these days, when I’m confident she won’t leave me for handling life the way I do.
“I like your sister,” she finally says, breaking my train of thought that was headed nowhere fast. She walks across the kitchen and sits down in the chair, facing me.
“Me too. I have an older brother, too. It was a madhouse at our place growing up.”
“I bet. I’m jealous, I’m an only child and always wanted a live-in best friend.” She crosses her legs and leans forward, resting her elbows the table, my eyes flick to her long legs and I have to stop myself from fucking her right there on that table. I want to get to know this girl. I want to know what makes her tick, what her passion is.
“Why baking?” I ask, taking another drink of my coffee.
“I don’t do the baking,” she laughs. “My partner, Jules, is the master baker. I just create the designs.” She brings her mug to her lips and I grin.
“Okay, so why ‘designing’?” I ask, mocking her attention to detail even though it’s a quality I like and respect in a woman. Hell, in anyone. Caroline used to be like that…
I take a long drink of my coffee and watch Mackenzie shift in her seat, sipping her cup.
“I’ve always liked designing things. Ever since I was a kid, it was something I could do and I was good at. I opened my shop in Florida with a friend out there just a year or so before moving here, so when I moved I knew I had to do it all over again.”
“Seems like business is doing good,” I say. “You must know what you’re doing.” I smirk and she returns the gesture, then sets her coffee cup down.
“We do okay for ourselves.” She nods, then bites her lip. “Can we talk about something other than work?”
“What do you have in mind?” I raise an eyebrow and take a sip of my coffee, eyes locked on hers and too turned on right now. Hell, I feel like being around Mackenzie is being turned on one hundred percent of the time, but I’m not complaining. It’s an exhilarating feeling.
She’s narrowed her eyes at me and grins slowly, uncrossing her legs and spreading them wide. I try to pry my eyes away as she slides a hand down the front of the pair of boxers she snagged from my drawer, but I can’t. When her hand dips lower, I grip the counter, wanting to take over but enjoying the scene playing out in front of me.
When she lets out a small gasp, her eyes squeeze closed briefly then fly open and she pins me in my spot.
“Maybe something like this?” She pulls her hand out of the boxers, bringing her fingers to her lips and wrapping them around it, moaning as she tastes herself.
I try to pride myself on being a man with good self-control, but the honest truth is I have none. No self-fucking-control. So of course, when she puts her soaked fingers into her fucking mouth, I don’t have a choice other than storm over to her and pull her out of the chair, slamming my lips to hers and taking what’s mine.
All I know is I need her. I need to claim her, again.
Then I need to make sure she knows it’s just us now. No one else.
She pushes my boxers down and grins at me, but when she tries to drop to her knees, I grip her elbows and chuckle.
“Babe, as much as I love your mouth around my cock, I need that pussy this morning,” I whisper, pushing my lips to hers and lifting her by her ass, her legs wrapping around my waist. I step out of my boxers and push her against the wall. Her moans coming out of her are erotic as fuck, but I still need to get these goddamned shorts off her so I set her down, then trail kisses down her body slowly, letting my hands roam every inch of pure smooth skin. As I push down the boxers she’s wearing, I press my lips to her pelvis. She gasps, then hums. Her fingers lacing through my hair as I press a warm, long kiss to the apex of her legs.
“Shit, Ford,” she whispers as I slowly make my way up her body, treating each nipple with the same amount of attention, flicking them with my tongue and nipping gently on them. When I make it back to her mouth, my hands grip onto her thighs and I lift, letting her wrap her legs around me once again. My dick’s straining against her pussy and I rub against her. She’s so wet already and I’ve barely touched the girl.
I lock my eyes on hers, our bodies pressed together as I slide into her and her breathing becoming heavier each time I pull out and slide back in.
“Holy fuck, Mack,” I huff, her hands gripping tight to my shoulders as she rocks back and forth on my dick. “Jesus,” I growl, slamming her against the wall harder and harder. Each stroke of my dick in her pussy is one stroke closer to losing my cool already. She’s too warm and tight to hold off, even after all the fucking we’ve done in the last twelve hours.
I pump into her a few more times, then pull out and drop her to her feet, pressing my lips to hers before spinning her against the wall, letting my hands roam her ass.
“Bend,” I growl, and she goes down without a word, her face up against the wall and her ass pressing back towards me. I bring my hand down once, then twice to one ass cheek, then repeat to the other. The slight pink tint to her ass makes me want to see just how much brighter I can make these before she can’t take it anymore.
“Harder,” she whispers, throwing me a look over her shoulder. A look I can’t ignore. She fucking wants it hard. I can give it to her hard. I moan, gripping my dick and slamming into her, forcing her to scream out, then slap her ass even harder than I had before. “Fuck yes!”
She’s vocal as hell and it turns me on, making me slam into her as hard as I can, all the way to the fucking hilt, and each time I pull out I land my hand on her ass, finding a perfect rhythm that sends her into the loudest orgasm she’s ever had with me. Her pussy clenches, then my dick is soaked as she screams through her fucking orgasm and I lose it.
“Fuck!” I bellow, slamming into her as my orgasm spirals out of control. I reach around and grab her tit as I fuck her, and when I come, I come so hard I have to squeeze my eyes closed because everything starts to spin.
Holy shit.
She fucking came! Like, squirt come, again! I knew she did it in the parking lot yesterday, but she just did it on my dick! I don’t think I can let this fucking girl leave my house.
How illegal is it to keep a girl as your sex slave?
“Oh my God,” she pants, letting out a giggle as I pull out of her. She stands straight, turns to face me, her face still laced with pure bliss from that orgasm, and pushes her lips to mine.
I wrap my arms around her, never wanting to let her go, and deepen the kiss.
“I need a shower,” she whispers, giggling. “I’m sorry I squirte—”
“Don’t fucking apologize for that,” I blurt, cutting her off. “Don’t ever think you need to apologize for something that hot, Mack.” I push her hair out of her face and cup her cheeks with my hands. She almost looks embarrassed and I want to junk punch the man who made her look this way. “I’m serious, that’s the best fucking thing right there.” I grin. “So never ever apologize for that. That’s a fucking gift.”
She grins, still embarrassed but trying to push past it.
“I think I need a shower,” she whispers, biting her lip and scrunching her face. “I smell like so much sex. And smoke from the bar last night.”
“You smell amazing. Sexy as hell.” She takes a step back and I huff, not liking the distance between us but dealing with it. “But you can use my shower before I take you home.”
“Thank you.” She tucks hair behind her ear and I step forward, pushing my lips to hers.
“I’ll show you where everything is, come on.” I take her hand and lead her to my master bathroom before leaving her to clean up without my hands all over her.
Because if I were to go into that shower with her, she wouldn’t be getting clean.
After dropping Mack off at her house, I stop by my grandma’s house on the way to the grocery store to check in. I spent a lot of time here right after Caroline. Her place, out in the middle of the country and on acres of beautiful farmland, always made me feel more at peace with everything. That, and gram didn’t care how much I drank in those following weeks as opposed to my parents.
“Girl got ya down in the dumps, child?” She opens the door wider and I laugh, walking in, then groan and sit on the sofa. “You called and said you needed advice, Ford. Last time you came to me for advice was what to wear to a funeral. You haven’t cared about things for years. So spill.” She shoves a beer at me and I take it willingly.
“Gram, you don’t know the half of it.” I sigh, popping open the beer she handed me and handing it back to her. “This girl’s different.”
“She may be different, but different is what you need before you drink your ass into an early grave.” She lifts an eyebrow and takes a long swig of her beer. “You’ve always been the difficult one, you know it? Your brother was the first-born old soul, your sister was the spoiled baby. But you were that lost middle child. I have to say, when Caroline passed I didn’t think you’d make it. She was your out. She was your savior. You don’t know how difficult it’s been watching my grandson go from as happy as you were, to rock bottom.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to be at rock bottom, Nan,” I mumble and she gives me a look.
“You must have forgotten about the whole me losing a child thing so I’ll forgive you. Life sometimes throws you curve balls you don’t want to accept, but it never gives you something you can’t handle. The good Lord wouldn’t have it that way. He’s not vindictive.”
“He gave me a shit hand for no reason.”
“We gonna do this again? I mean, we can that’s fine. But I’d rather talk about the girl.”
I groan and lean back on the couch. “I have feelings for a girl who’s not Caroline and I’m guilty as fuck.”
“Why?” She plops into her chair and leans forward, resting on her knees. “You’re alive, Ford. Live like it. You have a long miserable life ahead of you if you don’t. Caroline wouldn’t want you like this, miserable on your gran’s couch. She’d want you to find love again.”
“You didn’t after grandpa died,” I say, finishing my beer.
“Because I was seventy three and over that part of my life. I had my lifelong love. You lost yours before your life even really started. Now it’s time for you to latch onto your second chance before it slips through your fingers. Finding someone who loves you for who you are. At your best. At your worst. That’s true love. Not this constant search for adventure you’ve been on lately. I feel like Mackenzie’s your best bet at finding what I think you really want.” She shrugs.
The old lady’s got a point…
“Are you going to be good for Uncle Ford?” Wren asks Carter but before he answers, Yellow runs into the room and the two of them take off for the back yard.
“Freaking Reagan for backing out tonight.” I grumble, but not really angry because I love my time with Carter.
“She had a date, dude. That takes precedence apparently.” He laughs. “Just take care of my little man.”
“He’ll be fine. We will be fine. You two go, have fun.” I pat Lincoln’s back and he looks weirdly at me. “What?”
“Hey babe, can you go check to make sure my phone’s in the car. I can’t find it.” He looks over at Wren and she makes a face, then rolls her eyes and grabs the keys before heading out the front door. He spins and looks at me again. “You’re not drunk, are you?”
“No!” I blurt. “Who the fuck do you think I am?”
“Well, for starters an alcoholic, but that’s a different conversation I don’t have time for tonight. We really need this date night, but I’m not leaving him with you if you can’t handle it.”
“I’m hurt you think that low of me, Lincoln. I got this. I haven’t had a drink at all today,” I lie. The alcohol from this morning was nothing and wore off within minutes of drinking it. It takes a lot to get me smashed anymore. “I appreciate you looking out for your son, but I’m serious I haven’t had a drink today. It’s all good. Promise.”
He pauses, hearing the locking doors of the car out front when the horn beeps and clenches his jaw.
“It’s getting worse, Ford. You need to knock this shit off.”
“Bull. Shit.” I huff. “Go out and have a fantastic evening. I’ll be here, sober, when you get back to pick him up.” I turn to head outside.
“Hey,” he stops me, gripping my arm. I glare down at it and slowly move my glare up to him.
“You trying to start a fight tonight, Bro? You’re old. I could kick your ass.”
I probably wouldn’t kick his ass, but sometimes I want to.
“We just worry about you. That’s all.” His eyes hold too much pity. I fucking hate pity.
“I’m fine, Linc. It’s been years. I’m completely fine,” I lie again and paste on that smile they buy every time.
He nods and drops his hand from my arm.
“You’d talk to me if you weren’t?”
“Absolutely. Always.” I smile as Wren walks back into the room.
“Your phone wasn’t out there, babe. You sure it’s not on you?” She furrows her brows at Lincoln and he shoves his hand in his pocket.
“Huh, yea it’s here. I thought I didn’t feel it earlier.” He winks at her. “Thank you, Ford. Call us if you need anything.”
I salute him and lock the front door after they walk through it, then head out back to join Carter and Yellow. Nights like tonight, where we can play in the back yard until bedtime, are coming to an end for the year. As it is, we’ve had to make a fire in the fire pit and of course, break out the s’mores, just to stay warm out here.
Carter’s an amazing kid and the older he gets the more I see his personality shine through. He’s always had that goofy personality, but now he’s got the brains to go with it. It’s almost evil genius level, and with him starting school shortly I feel bad for his teachers.
I snap a selfie of us eating our s’mores and send it to Lincoln, rolling my eyes at my brother. He’s ‘looking out for me’ while treating me like a goddamned kid. He hasn’t gone through what I did. He doesn’t understand. No one does.
Lincoln: Fun. Sugar late at night again.
Me: Stop being so old. He’s fine. It’s only nine, anyway.
Lincoln: I’m glad he’s having fun.
The picture is an adorable picture. Too adorable.
I toss it in a text to Mackenzie and hit send.
Me: S’mores. They’re okay, but your creations are better.
I shove my phone back into my pocket and send Carter inside to get cleaned up and change into his pajamas while I clean up from our evening. It’s amazing how fast nights with him go. When I lived with Lincoln, I never understood why he was so tired by the end of the night, but now I do. This kid’s busy!
I hear my phone ding on my walk inside with a handful of shit, so after I dump it all in the sink, I grab my phone and grin at the text waiting for me.
Mack: O.M.G. HE’S ADORABLE!
I roll my eyes, grinning and hitting the call button.
“I love his little face!” she squeals into the phone immediately.
“There were two people in that picture, Mack.” I walk back into the spare room where Carter’s dancing into his pants as he’s trying to get dressed on his own. I wave him over to me, laughing, and help him.
“There were, but he’s so cute!”
“Hey, I’m cute!” I boast, standing. “Carter, tell her I’m cute.” I hold the phone out on speakerphone and he laughs.
“Uncle Ford’s old!” He screams, then runs out of the room on a fit of laughter.
Mackenzie’s laughing and I smile.
“Har. Har. He’s a funny guy,” I scoff.
“Smart kid.” She keeps laughing.
“He is. He’s pretty awesome. How was your evening?” I follow Carter to the living room and turn on an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates, then head to the kitchen.
“Long. Got a lot of work done but I’m beat.” She sighs into the phone and I smile. I could sit here and listen to her talk all night and not get bored. Hell, grab the fucking phone book and read me numbers. She’s better than any phone sex operator.
“That’s good, right?” I kick my feet up onto the table and position myself so I can see Carter on the couch, lying down while watching the show.
“It is. You two have a good evening?”
“Amazing. This little man’s brilliant.” I smile as I notice his eyes fluttering closed. “He’s falling asleep finally,” I whisper and Mackenzie giggles.
“I wish I could meet him,” she says, then falls silent and my heart swells. I take a breath, forcing out the guilt and pull my feet back to the ground.
“You should. Next weekend we’re having a big family dinner before my parents leave for vacation. You should join me.”
“Oh um…” she pauses and I stand, heading to the fridge. It’s instinct to have a beer if I’m home. Instinct to have three or four…or seven. But then I remember the little man on the couch and opt for a glass of orange juice instead. I don’t need the alcohol tonight. I’m talking to Mackenzie. She’s my much healthier aversion to the pain.
“You don’t have to. It was just a thought.” I try not to sound too hurt that she obviously doesn’t want to meet the family.
“I want to!” she blurts. “I’m just worried this is all moving so fast, Ford.”
“Nothing’s wrong with fast, Mackenzie. Not if it all feels right.”
“Does it feel right for you?” she whispers and I smile.
“Yeah. Yeah it does.” My voice is low and when the words fall from my lips a sharp panic flies through my gut. I puff out air and stare at the ground.
“I thought so too,” I hear her whisper, but my world is moving in slow motion as I realize that it’s really happening. The pain isn’t there. The guilt is subsiding. I still miss her like crazy, I still feel guilty for what happened, and I still hurt. But it’s not the hurt that I’m used to. It’s a small ache compared to massive fractures.
“You’re my glue,” I whisper, realizing I was right. She’s my glue.
“What?”
I shake my head. “I have to tell you something, but I don’t want to do it over the phone. What’re you doing tomorrow night?” I blurt. She’s my glue. She’s going to put me back together. But she can’t do that if she doesn’t know.
“Um…nothing? Ford, you’re scaring me.”
“Don’t be scared. It’s all good. I just… I have to go. I’ll come over after work tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Have a good night.” Her voice sounds so concerned and I hate myself for doing that to her, but I can’t tell her my life story over the phone like that. Not when you have a story like mine.
I end the call and stare at my phone.
What did I just do?
I take a drink of orange juice and sit back at the table, pinning my eyes on the sleeping kid on my couch and try to picture this house full of a family. Mackenzie pregnant and barefoot, feet propped on the couch while I chase a miniature version of her around the house. I wonder if our kids would have her eyes. They should.
I’ve never allowed myself to think of having a future since Caroline died, but here I am and it’s not making me sick to my stomach with pain.
When Lincoln and Wren pick up Carter, I hold back Lincoln while Wren loads their son into the car.
“Everything okay?” He looks concerned, a look he’s been wearing more often than not when he talks to me. He’s my big brother, he shouldn’t live his life worried about me.
I nod, not really knowing how to say the words inside me, so I blurt them out all at once.
“I think I’m seriously in love with Mackenzie, and I feel horrible that I don’t feel as guilty about it as I should.” I run my hands over my head and clasp them at the back of my neck, staring at the floor and cursing.
“You’re that serious, huh?” My brother says. I move my eyes to him and he’s smirking at me. “Why the hell should you feel guilty over that, Ford?”
“Because it means I’m moving on from Caroline. It means that love I had for her is now being given to Mack.”
“Ford… Caroline’s not coming back.” He says it so simply and my gut churns.
“I know that,” I whisper.
“So don’t you think she’d want you to move on? What’s the point in being in love with a dead girl?”
His words are like a sucker punch to the gut. I don’t talk to him much about this stuff. Every year on the anniversary of her death, he’s always been the one I drink with. He’s always there for me, but he’s never used such harsh words before. I glare at him for a moment and there’s not a joking bone in his body right now.
“I’m not in love with her, but I still love her.”
“Okay that’s great. Love doesn’t just stop when someone dies, but you’re yearning for something you can’t have, when you have something right in front of you that’s perfect for you…why?”
“What if I forget about her?” I whisper, then the door opens.
Wren walks into the house and looks between the two of us. She must sense the tension in the air because she rests her hand on Lincoln’s shoulder and looks at me through sad eyes.
“I’ll wait in the car,” she whispers, closing the door behind her. Lincoln sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets.
“You’re never going to forget her, Ford. What you two had was more than most people find in their lifetime. You don’t just forget that. But you can’t hold on to it like you have been.”
“It still hurts,” I mutter.
“I know.” He pats my shoulder, gripping onto it and staring into my face. “But you’ve got a second chance at that once in a lifetime love with Mackenzie, little brother. You gonna sit back, panicked and guilty for moving on? Or are you finally going to accept it’s okay to live a normal life? A normal life that you deserve?”
I don’t deserve it, though. Her death is my fault.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Thanks, man. Sorry for taking your time.”
“I told you I’m here for you. You just need to open up more. None of us can help you if you won’t help yourself, Ford.”
I nod and he opens the door. “See ya at work tomorrow?”
“Absolutely.”
I watch them drive away and yearn for what they have. The happy family. Sure, they have their own drama. No relationship is perfect.
I want Mack and I to have that. I think we have a shot, I’ve seen the way she looks at me. It’s not just a fling. She feels just as much as I do. I’m just scared to death to tell her about Caroline. I haven’t opened up to someone like I’m going to open up to Mackenzie ever. Not even to Gram.
I stare at the fridge for a moment, realizing I can finally pop open a beer…but I don’t want to. I turn, head for the shower, then pass out in bed worried what tomorrow brings.