34
JOEL
My sister doesn’t hold back. “I love her. She’s beautiful, sharp. Her personality when the camera’s on her is so down-to-earth. And she obviously likes you, too.”
We’re leaning against a tree in front of Alford Elementary School. We came straight from the festival since it’s a half day at Seth’s school, and Jocelyn has yet to shut up, taken by Victoria. “What are you going to do?” she asks.
“I don’t know.” I reach up to a branch and feel the bark against my fingers. “No matter what happens, I’m fucked.” I lower my voice as I feel the faces of parents turn toward me. Whoops. “If I get this gig, I’m the bad guy, but if I lose it, I’m out the chance to get the next part of my life off the ground. The cross-country show is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I want to be a host. I’m sure of it now . . .” I shake the thoughts loose in my brain. “It’ll set me up for the next phase of my career.”
“Right now, what you’re doing? It’s also once in a lifetime. You don’t need this cross-country trip to validate what you already know you can do. Even if you’re not hired for the next job, why couldn’t you do it yourself? As a freelancer, you can make your own schedule, your own plans.”
“That sounds romantic and all, but let’s not forget the crux of all of this: money. People who freelance make squat for a long time. Let’s not forget how much time it took for you to get off the ground . . .”
“Whoa. Hold your horses right there.” She holds a finger up at me. “Sure, it took a while for my graphic design business to take off, but that happens in every industry. You give and take; there are always pros and cons. But you don’t hold yourself back because of fear. Bottom line: you shouldn’t let this job keep you from Victoria. A job is a job. Money is money. But people? People are forever.”
The bell rings, interrupting Joc, allowing me to breathe. Whenever our conversations round to this, I feel my defenses rise, the bricks piling upon themselves so I can hide behind them. To distract myself, I focus on the kids lined up in front of the school. Seth is first in line, hands waving and on his tiptoes, his teacher bent at the waist as he shows her where we are. I wave back.
Jocelyn waves, too. “Both Seth and I have appreciated all you’ve done for us, helping me when I needed you, but we’re not yours to take care of anymore, Joel.”
“What are you talking about? Of course you are. You’re my family.”
“Nothing will change that. I admit—I wish you were always home. I wish you could celebrate every holiday with us. I wish that when something broke around the house, I could call you to fix it because I hate doing that stuff. And the garbage—I wish you could pull it to the curb every Monday. But that doesn’t mean you’re my protector and provider. I don’t know how much differently I can tell you this, since I keep trying to, on the phone and in email and by pulling your furniture under the carport.” She shakes her head. “But I am a grown woman, and Seth is my son.”
The kids are let go one by one, and Seth exits the gate. He doesn’t wait for me to bend down but instead launches himself onto my hip, awkwardly crawling up my back. He smells like sun and hand sanitizer. He squeals. “Uncle Joel!”
“Hey, bud. Want to help me get ready for my trip to San Diego tomorrow?”
“Do you have to go?” he whines.
“Yes, he does.” My sister ruffles his hair. “He’s got to go and do his own thing, bud. In fact, I think I’m going to help him pack up his stuff.”
I cut my eyes to my sister. “Pack up my stuff?”
“Yeah, you know, to help you get into your new place, wherever that may be. Or to storage.”
“Are you moving, Uncle Joel?”
My sister nods for me.
“You’re kicking me out?” I glare at her.
“Uh-huh.” She cackles. “You are so bad at reading the signs. Hello, it’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. You can’t boomerang back to Alford anymore, brother, and I’m going to make it hard to. The storage facility is literally down the street. One U-Haul trip and it’s done.”
“But you’ll still come and visit, right?” Seth wiggles down my back.
“Course.” My sister answers for me. “As a visitor.”
I turn Seth in the direction of the Jeep, parked a quarter of a block away. “See the car? The door’s open. Go.”
Seth takes off down the sidewalk.
My sister slinks her arm around mine. “I’m done being your reason to keep coming back.”
“You’re no such thing.”
“That’s bull. I’m the first to say that we wouldn’t have such an amazing Seth without you being a great example to him. And, yes, you’ll continue to have a hand in raising him. But I’ve got it—I’ve had it together for a very long time.
“I want you to move out, completely. Find your home elsewhere, where you belong. The thing I learned with having a baby so early in my life? There are going to be shitty things that happen on this road. Detours, wrong turns, and accidents are inevitable, and you’ve got to pull over and regroup. But it doesn’t mean you don’t keep trying to stay on course. Your ex messed you up, and, well, after you pulled over to regroup from her, you kept yourself there, thinking you were fixing me and Seth. But you never had to.”
My breath gets lodged in my chest as everything she says catches up to me. Have I been stalling all these years? I knew I was keeping myself safe because I didn’t want another Dear John letter in my life. I didn’t think I could handle it. I didn’t think I deserved it. But the only thing that comes out of my mouth is, “Where am I going to live?”
Her grin spreads across her face. “That’s the thing. Anywhere. Everywhere.” She shoves me to the side. “Race you to the car.” But before I can prep myself, she’s off and running. Of course. She beats me to the door and explodes in laughter, sticks her tongue out like she used to when we were kids.
“You’re a brat,” I say. I help Seth buckle up and shut the door.
“I know. But I’m a brat who’s right, aren’t I?”
I sigh, hooking up my seat belt. “Maybe.”
“Good. It’s time for you to get the heck out of my house and figure out what to do with that gorgeous cohost of yours.”