Chapter Nine

 

Gannon wanted to break something. He hated the feeling. He hated what the anger and frustration was causing within him, and he felt like every second that he felt it was only a confirmation that he had made the right choice in leaving Willow, even though it was that very decision that was causing the feelings. His hands clenched at his sides as he paced up and down the stable. The horse stood in its stall, seeming to watch him as he paced and struggled to regain control over this thoughts and emotions. He felt like the violence that had been trained into him was bubbling back up and the thought of allowing that to happen was sickening, yet his fingers tingled with the desire to release the pressure that was building in his chest.

Finally, he let his head fall back and an animal scream echoed up to the ceiling. The horses whinnied in response and pawed at the ground, seeming to commiserate with him. A few moments later the door to the stable opened and Jonah ran in, his eyes frantic as he looked around for whatever danger might have caused Gannon to scream that way.

“Gannon?” he asked. “Was that you?”

“Yes,” Gannon said. “I’m sorry, Jonah.”

“Are you alright?” he asked.

Gannon didn’t know how to respond. He certainly didn’t feel that he was alright, and yet he had no idea how to describe what it was that was making him feel that way. He couldn’t put words to it or even reconcile it in his own mind. There were too many things, too many worries reverberating through his mind.

“I don’t know,” he finally answered.

“What’s going on?” Jonah asked, coming further into the stable. “Did something happen? Is it Ryan? The Valdicians?”

Gannon shook his head.

“No,” he said. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Then what?”

“Willow,” Gannon replied.

“Willow?” Jonah asked. “Didn’t you spend the afternoon with her helping her with her strawberries?”

Gannon nodded.

“I feel like something is happening in me and I don’t know what it is or what to think or do.”

“What do you mean?” Jonah asked.

“I kissed her,” Gannon said.

He saw Jonah smile and take another step toward him.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” he said. “Do you care about her?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if you care about her?”

“No. I don’t know if it’s good.”

“Why wouldn’t it be good for you to care about someone? Isn’t that what you wanted? To be able to live a normal life now that you aren’t in the facility with Ryan anymore?”

“That’s just the thing,” Gannon said. “Is it even possible for me to live a normal life? Am I just fooling myself into thinking that getting out of that facility would actually give me my life back, or let me do anything that might be normal?”

“Your life can be anything that you want it to be, Gannon,” Jonah said.

“I don’t know what it is that I am feeling for Willow and even if I did, she doesn’t know who I really am.”

“I think that you do know what you are feeling,” Jonah said. “You want to be near her. You want to spend time with her. You want to touch her.”

“But she doesn’t know who I am,” Gannon reiterated. “She doesn’t know where I came from or what I’ve gone through.”

“Does that matter? If you want to be with her, don’t you think that you can find a way to get through anything?”

“I want to be with her more than I would ever have believed that I could want something. I would do anything for her. But I don’t know what she would think if she really knew about me. How would she feel knowing that I was created in a lab? Or that I’ve been trained my entire life to fight? Or that the only reason that I know how to take care of plants is because I cared for the farms that fed the other captives?” He took a breath, feeling embarrassment creep its way into his mind. “Or that I have never been with a woman.”

Jonah nodded, his expression telling Gannon that the other man finally realized what was bothering him.

“You don’t have a normal background,” Jonah said. “I’m not going to argue that. But neither do I. I didn’t think that Aubrey was ever going to be able to understand what I went through and what brought me to the laboratory building where we found you. I thought that when she heard about it and knew who I was that she would either not believe me and have nothing to do with me because she thought that I was lying to her, or that she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth and not even want to try. But she did. It took her some time to process it, but she never faulted me for the reality of my life. You can’t help where you come from and who you are any more than I could, and you can’t judge how Willow will react any more than I could have judged Aubrey. The reality is that you don’t know how she will respond to the truth about you, but if she cares about you, it won’t matter to her. You are the same person when she finds out your past that you were when she didn’t know, and if the feelings that she has for you are real, they won’t change.”

“I’m afraid that I can’t control myself,” Gannon admitted. “What if I hurt her?”

“You aren’t a machine, Gannon,” Jonah said. “You are your own person, a unique being. Yes, you’ve been trained to do certain things and act in certain ways, but that doesn’t mean that that is all you are capable of.”

“I feel so vulnerable when I’m with her,” Gannon said.

“I know that feeling,” Jonah said. “It’s frightening, but only because it’s new. Loving someone like that makes you vulnerable, but not in the same way that Ryan’s control over you did. You won’t hurt her. You might feel like you are the only person who doesn’t know what to do, but you have to remember that every one of us has had that moment. Trust yourself. Trust her. All you need is to love her and the rest will work its way out when and how it is supposed to.”

Jonah patted Gannon on the back of the shoulder and walked out of the stable, leaving Gannon alone with the image of Willow in his mind. He knew that he had run from Willow because part of him believed it would be much easier if he didn’t try with her. That part of him knew that he was moving toward something completely unknown and that reality was terrifying. Another part of him, a much stronger part, though, now told him that he couldn’t just be without her. He couldn’t simply pretend that he wasn’t feeling what he was for her, or that he could go forward into a normal life without at least trying to have her by his side. He had fallen in love with her and he needed to at least try. He needed to give himself a chance to reach out to her and try to figure out a way that they could get beyond everything that had been holding them apart so that they could be together.