CHAPTER SIX

 

 

“Julie, where are you going?” Axel was in his truck, driving slowly beside me as I walked. I had no idea where I was going, I just wanted to be away from him.

“I'm looking for a new place to stay. Somewhere I can have my own bed.”

“Sounds lonely.”

I glanced over at him. He had one hand on the wheel and was leaning out the window wearing a smug smirk. The wind was blowing his messy hair into his face and I didn't know how he could even see where he was going. Gah! He was so obnoxious, and ridiculous, and…Ugly. I picked up my pace to a jog and then to a sprint. I needed to be away from him. Far, far away.

The road ended in forest. It called to me in some weird way. I'd never been much of an outdoorsy girl, but I wanted to be in those woods, with the leaf-covered ground under my paws and the — paws? I shook my head. There was a dirt path leading into the forest. I sprinted for it and ignored Axel yelling after me. A car door slammed and I picked up my pace. I ran as fast and hard as I could, considering I had to duck tree branches and leap over tree roots. This was nothing like running in Darius's backyard, it was way more fun. Staying on my feet and not getting beaten up by tree branches was a challenge that allowed me to forget Axel and his obnoxious behavior. I could hear him behind me, his feet pounding the trail, but I pretended he wasn't there. I was sure he could catch me if he really wanted to, but he kept his distance. It made me madder that he was being considerate, that he wasn't crowding me, that he seemed to sense what I needed.

The path curved upward and I ran at the small hill as fast as I could, enjoying the hard work of my legs climbing the hill and my lungs and heart working overtime. It felt good, but I knew it could feel better. I stopped at the top of the hill, stripped off my clothes and tossed them in a pile. I shifted to wolf and everything became brighter and clearer. Everything was simpler in wolf-form. I knew Axel was still behind me, knew he'd shifted, because I could smell him, could smell his wolf.

Wolf-Julie liked him being there. Wolf-Julie wanted to turn and rub her scent all over him, but human-Julie still had enough control to prevent wolf-Julie from following her instincts. I raced away from Axel as fast as I could. I moved so much more quickly and easily in wolf form and I loved the feel of the wind through my fur, the multitude of scents, the seemingly boundless energy that rushed through me. It felt so good that I kind of forgot all the reasons I was angry at Axel.

When the trail widened and he ran up next to me, I wolfy-smiled over at him. He yipped with a happy sound and raced ahead. I took off after him and we raced each other to an open field dotted with wildflowers. I threw myself into the grass and rolled around, drowning in the scent of the flowers, the grass, and the clean mountain air. Axel stood to the side, watching me, wary.

His hesitation was wrong. I raced at him, full-speed, and knocked him to the ground. I nipped his ear, leaped off him, and raced away. He chased me, but I dodged and darted and avoided him, making him growl with mock-annoyance. Finally, he knocked me to the ground. He rubbed my face with his own, covering me with his scent, and wolf-Julie growled in pleasure. Human Julie slapped wolf-Julie and kicked Axel off with all four legs. He flew through the air pretty damn far, but landed on his feet. I took the advantage and raced for the trail we'd come up. I sprinted back down the path, Axel right on my heels, until I'd reached my clothes.

I shifted and grabbed my bra, but a human, and very naked Axel, grabbed it and tossed it back on the pile. He growled and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling my neck. “I'm sorry,” he said. “I've been trying to think of a way to let Ella Mae down gently for a while and telling her you're my girlfriend just sort of popped out.”

“Maybe you could have shown a little backbone and just told her you aren't interested.”

He dotted kisses along my jawbone. “I should have, but she's so sweet and—”

“She makes amazing lasagna, so you've just been stringing her along.”

He nipped the delicate skin behind my ear and pressed his body against mine. I could feel his hardness against my belly and it was making my brain turn to mush. “I've told her as kindly as I can that I'm not interested in a relationship, that I'm not going to date anyone in the pack, but she seemed to think she could change my mind. I saw a chance to end it by claiming you, but it wasn't fair to you and I'm sorry.”

“Good, you should be. I'm not your girlfriend. I don't even like you. Right now, I hate you a little.”

“I hate you a lot,” he said. Except the way he said hate, it didn't sound like hate, it sounded like…Well, it sounded like something I didn't want to think about, because he was pressing his lips to mine, pulling me closer against him. Awareness and desire pinged over my body from the top of my head to my toes. I kissed him back, wanting to be closer to him, to feel him everywhere, to have his scent all over me.

He groaned and turned me and I was pressed my hands against a tree and popped up onto my tiptoes, using the slope of the hill to get the angle right as he drove into me and obliterated all my thoughts in the absolute best way possible.

We dressed and he walked back to his truck with me, holding my hand all the way. “Want to get some groceries?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “Okay.” Even though I knew all the damn werewolves would smell him on me, would know what we'd been doing in the woods.

We got in the truck and he put his hand on the key to start it. I put my hand over his, stopping him. I wasn't ready for this, but I wouldn't be guilty of what I'd accused him of, I wouldn't string him along.

I waited until he'd spun in his seat to face me and took both of my hands in his, like he knew what I was about to say was important. “My father was a big guy,” I said. “And he used his size to manipulate and control and hurt me and my mother.” I swallowed hard and he reached over and pushed a stray curl behind my ear.

“Did he hurt you?”

“Physically? Only a handful of times. Emotionally? Verbally? Every hour of the day. Even when I was at school, he'd send me text messages, reminding me how worthless I was, how…It doesn't matter. He was a horrible person, but I loved him. I loved him and I was desperate to make him love me, to be worthy of him, to make him proud of me. He was a powerful business man, well-respected in the community. Everyone loved him. Only I knew he was a monster. I knew he hit my mother, but I…Maybe I just thought it was normal, because it was all I'd ever known. He told me that if my mother and I could be better, he wouldn't have to hurt us, that it was for our own good.”

Axel's jaw was clenched tight and his cheeks were red. “But you got away.”

I pulled in a deep breath. This wasn't what I'd meant to tell him, when I started this conversation, but it felt right. It felt like the only thing to do, to lay all my baggage on the table, to let him know exactly what he was getting with me. “My mother had started to stand up to him to protect me, and I guess that was a problem for him. He caught me sneaking out to meet a boy and he kicked me out for disobeying him.” I bit my lip and took a moment to get a hold of myself. “It was the kindest thing he ever did for me. I think that's why my mother never answered my calls or tried to find me. She knew I was better off.” At least that's what I told myself. In the middle of the night when I'd wake from a nightmare of my father, I suspected she hated me for leaving her, for not rescuing her from him. “After my father died, I tried to make contact, but she wouldn't talk to me. Shelly thinks she's ashamed and feels guilty for not helping me, but I…I think maybe she just wants to pretend it never happened and I'm a reminder that it did. Which is maybe why I don't try harder to see her.”

He rubbed my thigh, but I pushed his hand away. I couldn't deal with his comfort.

“Once he was out of my life, I swore I'd never let anyone hurt me the way he'd hurt my mother. I'd never date anyone I wasn't absolutely certain I could overpower if I had to. I learned to fight and I worked out and I thought if I was strong enough, if I could be sure only to date guys I knew I could take down if they tried to control me, I'd be okay. I'd be safe.” My throat tightened and I swallowed hard. “Except I never felt safe, I never felt strong enough. Now…Now I can take a tree down with my bare hands and I know I could fight you off if you ever came after me. I'm stronger than I've ever been and…” The truth was I felt weaker than I'd ever been, because no matter how physically strong I was, the idea of another woman with him slayed me. The way he called me his girlfriend made me want to hold on tighter to him, because with him I felt safer than I'd ever felt in my life. I felt safer and it scared me like nothing else ever had before, because I knew he wouldn't have to use his fists to take me down, to break me. He could use words, he could use his attention or lack thereof, he could decide someone else was a better girlfriend for him. All of that would damage me, would hurt me, worse than a punch or a kick. And that meant I was weak with him, that meant he had far too much power over me. Of course, I couldn't tell him any of that. I sighed, trying to figure out how to do this, when I remembered I didn't need to explain myself to him. “You're a big, gruff mountain man and I'm a city girl. And I have a ton of baggage, way more than the alpha's girlfriend should have. The truth is that all we have is a physical relationship, and I don't want to be your girlfriend. I don't want a serious relationship at all. I need space to figure out this wolf thing and this starburst thing, and you and I just aren't compatible.”

“Okay.” He put his hand back on my thigh and squeezed.

I was more than a little taken aback. I'd just made a huge confession, something I'd never told anyone other than Shelly, and I'd dumped him. I'd dumped him hard and he…He was acting like nothing had changed? “Okay?”

“You are…” He pinched the bridge of his nose and took in a deep breath. “When I imagined the kind of woman I'd end up with, I'd always pictured…I don't even remember what I pictured, because when I think of my future, all I see is you.”

My heart clenched and my eyes burned. “I'm trying to tell you I can't be your future. You and I are all wrong together. We'd never work.”

He leaned in a bit. “I like you, Julie Jacobs. I like you more than I've liked anyone in a very long time. And I can promise you I will never hurt you. No matter what you do or how hard you push me away, I will never hurt you and I will never try to control you.”

What the hell was he talking about? Were we even having the same conversation? And why did I feel like I was about to burst into tears? “What I'm saying is that I don't care for you. I can't.” Now I was just outright lying, but he needed to be realistic and it was my job to help him with that.

He smiled sadly. “I hear what you're saying. Now, hear what I'm saying. You are the most infuriating woman I've ever met, because you insist on fighting me at every turn. You're also the only woman I know who's strong enough to fight me and win. You excite me and call me out on my bullshit, you make me smile when everything is going to shit and you make me forget, for a little while, that there are seventy-five people who depend on me. You are fresh air after years in a stuffy room, you are laughter after tears, you are the rainbow after a storm. You're loyal and you're strong and you're the sexiest woman on this planet. I'm in this with you all the way. If you decide in ten minutes you're ready to find a new pack and never see me again, I'll let you go. I won't chase you, I won't try to change your mind. I will never use my size or my alpha powers to manipulate you. But I will be waiting. I'll be waiting here for you to come back to me. I'll wait for you until my last breath leaves my body.”

Tears, uncontrollable, spilled over my lids. He was too good to be real. He couldn't mean what he was saying. “Don't be ridiculous. You'll meet some girly-girl, lace and cotton candy woman and she'll give you kids or pups or whatever and you'll forget about me.”

He shook his head. “I'll never forget about you. I'll never stop wanting you.”

This was too much. Way, way too much. He'd barely known me a week, he didn't know what he was saying. “You're delusional. I'm trying to tell you to forget about me.” I picked up his hand and shoved it off my thigh. “You're…You're completely impossible. I despise you.”

“You hate me,” he said with a wide grin.

“You are absolutely insane.”

His smile widened and he spun in his seat to start the truck, but stopped before he did and turned back to me, his smile slipping. “I'm sorry for what your father did to you. He didn't deserve a daughter like you. He didn't deserve a daughter or a wife. And you deserved so much better.”

I bit my lip hard not to sob. There was a hard lump in my throat, which was ridiculous. I was all weepy and emotional for no good reason. This is what relationships did to people, it made them feel things and I hated feeling things. I couldn't punch my way free of emotions.

Axel didn't say anything else, he started the truck and drove us back to his house.

 

***

 

“Feel like going for a run with the whole town?” Axel asked. He was leaning against the wall across from me. I had earbuds in and had been doing bicep curls, watching my form and not my surroundings, in the zone, and I hadn't realized he was so close until he'd spoken loud enough for me to hear him over Slipknot raging in my ears. Last time I'd seen him, he'd been working with metal and flame on the other side of the building. Now, he was standing before me, shirtless and sweaty, his pants dipping down in a way that made me want to forget about my biceps and try a different work-out.

I pulled out my earbuds. “The whole town? How many people is that?”

He shrugged. “Seventy-seven at last count. You make seventy-eight, but Krista and Jeremiah won't be going with us, and ten wolves will guard the town, so sixty-six will run.”

“I guess I could go,” I said, figuring I could just blend in with the crowd. “Is there anything I should know? Any one going to want to fight me or anything?”

He shook his head. “They'll be curious about you, but they won't have any interest in hurting you. I'll stick close.”

“Sounds fun.” I was living in Mule Creek, I might as well find out what it was all about. “Am I allowed to visit Krista?”

“Of course,” he said. “She can't leave the house, but she can have visitors. I'm sure she'd love to see you.”

“So, when do we leave for this run?”

“Everyone's gathering at the center of town now.”

I wasn't finished with my workout, but I could return to it later. I walked over to Axel, ready to follow him out of there, but he grabbed my waist and pulled me tight against him. He pressed his lips to mine and kissed me with such tenderness I was conflicted between melting into him and punching him. I couldn't handle him being sweet. I pulled back and glared at him. “What was that for?”

“Watching you work out gets me hard as shit.”

“Good to know.” I stepped out of his embrace. “Too bad we don't have time to do anything about it.”

He chuckled, way too amused by my refusal to help him out. That amusement set something dark and tight in me at ease every time. I'd given Axel plenty of reasons to lash out if he were a violent or possessive man, and he never had. He was a gentle soul in a wolf's body despite how gruff he could be, and I almost felt I could trust him.

He stopped me before I walked out of the building. “We need to shift now.”

“I'm going to meet the town for the first time as a wolf?”

He pulled me in tight against him and hugged me. “It sounds weird, but it's easier that way. After you've run with them, you'll feel like you've known them all your life when you see them in their human form.”

I pushed out of his arms, for the second time, because it felt way too comfy there. I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed off my bra, appreciating the way his eyes darkened at the sight of my naked breasts. I wished we did have more time to enjoy each other, naked. My willpower was shit when it came to him and sex. “I need to meet some people because I need a new place to live.”

He studied me with a lackadaisical grin. “Why bother? You know you'd be over here every night anyway.”

“What if I decide to see someone else?” I asked. “Didn't you say wolves have more open relationships than humans?”

His expression hardened the tiniest bit and his smile dropped to a firm line. “Some do. I don't. I won't with you. If you want to fuck someone else, you'll have to leave this pack first.”

What was I saying about him not being possessive? This felt different though. He wasn't trying to control me, he just didn't want to share. “And the same applies to you?”

“What?”

“You won't fuck anyone else in the pack while I'm here?”

“I won't fuck anyone else, period. Probably not ever again. You're it for me.”

I bit my lip to stop from smiling, because his sweet words were starting to get to me, starting to crack my tough shell. I pushed off my pants, so he wouldn't see my face. “Just as long as you remember I can't stand you. I'm only using you for your body.”

I straightened and stood before him, naked, watching the grin overwhelm his face. “Of course you are, sweetheart.”

He took a step forward, but I dropped to all fours and shifted before he could touch me. I raced toward the town center, but he caught up to me before I got there. I wasn't surprised. I had a feeling he'd always catch me.

I followed the scent of wolves and the sight of fur to the middle of town, not too far from where Jeremiah had bitten me. There was no fountain or statue or sign to identify the town center, but it was located right about the middle of Main Street. The wolves turned in an eerie unison toward us as we approached together. As soon as we'd reached them, they dropped their heads to their feet, a sort of lupine bowing. I started to lower my head, figuring it was the custom, but Axel pushed his snout under mine and lifted my head. Damn it, why hadn't I gotten more information from him before we'd started?

Axel howled and all the wolves stood and pranced in place with unbridled energy. The sun was setting behind them and it was a cool sight, their fur, all the conceivable shades from brown to red to gray, lit by the setting sun. I smiled and it seemed every wolfy head shifted slightly to stare at me. I looked to Axel and he was staring at me, too. He mimicked howling and I swear I could hear him telling me to howl. I lifted my snout and performed my best approximation of a howl. Even to my ears, it was pretty sad. Axel's chuckle rolled through my mind followed by one word, “Run.”

Axel took off and I followed without a thought, not because he'd used his alpha voice, but because the excitement and energy rolling off the pack had infected me and all I wanted to do was run with them. I matched pace with Axel and we led the way through the forest, the pack howling and yapping at our toes. It was the biggest adrenaline rush and the most breathless laugh session all rolled into one. If I was in human form and could laugh, my cheeks would be sore. Together, Axel and I ran full-speed up the mountain until we reached a field, larger than the one I'd run to the day before. He nipped my flank and I spun and landed on top of him, rolling him and digging my claws into his soft underbelly as the rest of the pack raced by us. In my mind, I could hear Axel's laughter. His wolf got the better of me and pinned me by my shoulders. “Just watch,” he said.

He released me and I stood shoulder to shoulder with him while we watched the pack race and play. Some wolves sat off to the side, watching like Axel and I were. Others approached each other cautiously, like teenagers at a school dance. The rest raced and leaped with abandon, from huge, scary-looking wolves to tiny pups. I wanted to play with them, I wanted to be close to them, to smell them, to know them. I looked to Axel and asked with my eyes and my mind for him to say it was okay.

The feeling of pride and joy that filled me threatened to overwhelm me. “Go,” I heard him say in my mind. So, I went. I raced out among the other wolves, chasing some, nipping and tumbling with others, sitting still with others when I got tired. I felt safe and at home, the same way I felt when I was with Shelly, only I felt that way with an entire town. My town. My pack.

When it was fully dark, we hunted. I helped take down a deer and then I actually helped eat it. It was delicious. Then, we all raced back down the mountain together and went our separate ways. I raced Axel back to his warehouse to get my clothes. We shifted together and he stopped me, there in the warehouse, lit only by the moon. He cupped my cheek with his hand and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “You are amazing.”

I shrugged off the compliment, embarrassed. “That was fun. I mean…I didn't know what to expect, but wow…Just…wow. The running and…” I rambled on as I dressed, aware of Axel's eyes on me the entire time. “I'm starving. How about—”

He stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. “You belong to the pack now. There's an official ceremony we'll have once you decide you want to stay here, but your wolf accepted and has been accepted by the pack. You belong here. You are the starburst.”

“Yeah,” I said. “About that. I don't think it means what you told me it means.”

He flushed. “It's hard to explain. The starburst is usually the caretaker, the protector of the pack. That's also the alpha's job, but the alpha has so many other responsibilities…it's a lucky pack who has a wolf to take on the role of starburst.”

“And I'm your equal?”

“In every way,” he said, not seeming the least bit put out about that. “If you went to another pack, you could be alpha, but here…You are the starburst, I just know it the way I know the sun will rise tomorrow.” He ran a hand through his hair. “The starburst is often also the heart of the pack, the person members of the pack go to when they need comfort or advice the alpha can't offer for whatever reason. It's like…” He looked toward the ceiling. “You fill in the holes in the pack. You become whatever we need and you hold us together when the alpha can't.”

I shivered, overwhelmed. “I can handle that protector thing, but the rest of it…That doesn't sound like me at all.”

He shrugged. “Every wolf is different and every wolf takes on their role in the pack differently. You just be who you are and it will be exactly what the pack needs.”

That sounded like some crazy ass mumbo-jumbo, and I didn't share his confidence that I could succeed. I'd always been a loner, Shelly my only real family, my only real friend. Now I was supposed to be there for and protect almost a hundred people who could sprout fur and fangs?

He pulled on his t-shirt and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Come on, there's a party at the barn.”

“Will there be food?”

He led me out of the warehouse. “Does my dick get hard every time you walk into a room?”

“I—”

He stopped and put his finger to his lips. I didn't argue, because his entire body had tensed, the playfulness of the moment before gone. “Alpha,” he yelled. “What the hell are you doing on my property?”

“I'm here to talk.” A tall, skinny man, with a paunch clearly revealed by his white tank top and low-hanging, dirty jeans stepped out of the forest line and walked toward us, stopping when he was ten feet away. “We need to talk.”

“We've talked,” Axel said. “It's done.”

“It's not done,” Alpha said. “And you know it. You were given this territory by the council, and you've done nothing to earn it, nothing to hold your place here.”

“We've earned it by holding on to it.”

Alpha snorted. “By staving off attackers with tranq guns? You might as well go the rest of the way human and move into the city with your champion, Darius.”

Axel stiffened like the man had insulted him. “We are as much wolf as you and your pack, Alpha. We just choose not to use violence to prove it.”

“We have no choice, man. My pack is being besieged by the nightwalkers and they want a safer territory. You've chosen not to help us fight, so you're going to have to defend your place with that violence you hate, or you're going to lose it.”

Alpha slid back into the shadows of the forest and Axel watched him go, his whole body tense.

“What was that about?” I asked.

Axel shook his head. “Philosophical differences. Come on, let's get to that party.”

I didn't move when he tried to pull me forward. “That seemed like more than a difference of opinion.”

He sighed. “I've only been alpha of this pack for six years, and Alpha was the alpha before me. Aspens Whiten pack gets caught up in drama and fights of their own making. The vampires are harrying them because they harry the vampires. This time, though, they've gone too far and the vampires are looking for some serious payback. They want to hide here, but I'm not putting my pack at risk. So Alpha's pack, the Aspens Whiten pack, want to fight. They say I don't deserve this territory and they want to force me to defend it to prove I'm weak.”

“Sounds like you're going to have to fight.”

“We'll resettle somewhere else first. We're a happy, healthy, peaceful pack, and I'm going to make sure we stay that way.”

“And what happens when they come after your next territory? Or someone else does? Are you going to walk away every time someone threatens violence?” That might work for a regular person, but regular people didn't have to worry about a pack of werewolves showing up to take their house.

He crossed his arms over his chest and widened his stance, his eyes haunted, his expression bleak. “Darius and the council are mediating the dispute. We own this land and the buildings on it. That should be enough to keep them away, but we've had some…Financial difficulties lately. If they chase us off the land, we won't have support from the bank or the court and the council can't do much to help us. If we fight, though, the council will punish us. If we can get the other pack to throw the first punch, we'll have the council fully on our side. If not…”

“You'll just give up? Just run away with your tail tucked between your legs?”

I expected him to get mad. I was mad and I'd just insulted him at a very primal level. He didn't get mad, didn't narrow his eyes or even frown. He looked worried, sure, but not angry. He was like no other man I'd ever met. “Fighting isn't an option. We live in a different time, Julie, and all it would take is one person with a phone. One person to snap a picture or a video and post it for the world to see. Humans wouldn't just discover werewolves, they'd discover violent, aggressive monsters. Monsters that humans would want to put down without asking questions.”

He had a point, but I didn't like it. I hated the idea of backing down, of giving in. I'd done that as a kid and I'd sworn I'd never do it again. “You said the wolves in the valley were fighting vampires. Why hasn't anyone gotten a picture of that?”

He grimaced. “Fighting isn't exactly the right word. Vampires and wolves have an affinity for one another, an affinity that can easily turn to obsession, especially among the young ones.”

“You mean they…” I had no clue what he was talking about.

He sighed, looking slightly sick. “Vamps love to feed on wolves because we heal quickly. The feeding is most often a sexual experience for the wolves and it can be addictive. Alpha's pack loses at least ten members a year to vamps and they're tired of it. Especially when the vamps use their own wolves against the pack to get control over their businesses or money.”

“The vamps don't come up here?”

“We're too isolated and too close to the sun. Plus, I've made it known they aren't welcome.”

“What do you do to deter them? Growl at them?”

Again, he didn't get angry or frustrated. “I don't have to shift to convince them to leave. I can tranq them and drag them back to the valley. No one has to get hurt and the vamps never get close enough to us to feed.”

I sighed. “I understand why you don't want to fight, but just rolling over and letting them take your home doesn't seem like a reasonable option either.”

He relaxed a bit and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me tight against his side. “The council is working on it and I'm meeting with some pack members to discuss it tomorrow. You can join the meeting. For now, let's go have some fun.”

“Have some fun? Your pack is in danger and you want to have some fun?”

“It's good for our pack and it's good for you,” he said. “You need to bond with them.”

It seemed crazy to me, to go to a party when the pack was threatened, to walk away from an opponent. But I'd never been part of a team, not really, and I had to trust that Axel knew his pack and what they needed. I'd trust him that night, but the next day, I'd talk some sense into him and the others.

“Is that guy's name really Alpha?” I asked.

He snorted. “I never met his parents, so I can't say for sure, but if anyone would legally change their name to Alpha, it would be him.”

“He doesn't look like a werewolf.” When Axel raised his brows, I shrugged. “It's just that all the wolves I've seen have been healthy, fit, and that guy…His eyes were bloodshot and his skin was sort of yellow and he smelled like alcohol and something else, something…” I tried to put my finger on it, but I hadn't been a wolf long enough.

“Sickness,” he said. “I've never spent that much time with the guy, but the only way he could maintain that state would be to do nothing but drink straight liqueur from the moment he wakes up until the moment he passes. I'd imagine he kills his liver every day and it heals when he shifts or while he sleeps.”

“He's an alcoholic?”

He shrugged. “Maybe. Another theory is that he hates vamps and no vamp wants tainted blood. Feeding on sick people can make them sick, just like eating bad meat can make us sick.”

“Why doesn't he just fight off the vamps?”

“He's dominant, but just barely. He's probably not strong enough to fight them off physically.”

“He practically kills himself on a daily basis instead? That makes no sense.”

“I guess he thinks vampire obsession is a fate worse than death. I can't say he's wrong.”

 

***

 

The barn was about a mile from Axel's house. We walked through the woods and up a single, well-worn, dirt trail to a flat, open area, I heard the music before I saw the barn. It wasn't a small, red building, it was another warehouse-like structure, like Axel's studio/gym. Only it was the size of an aircraft hangar, maybe two aircraft hangars tacked together.

The front was wide open to the elements, so we could see the interior was well-lit and people were dancing, or standing around in groups chatting, or sitting on couches with plates of food on their laps.

I was social by nature, but this was a whole town of people I'd never met in human form. A town of people that was also my new pack, a pack I was responsible for protecting. But, as I looked over the people, I wasn't overwhelmed or worried, I was excited. I felt an odd sort of bond to the people in the enormous barn.

Axel paused at the edge of the party and turned me to face him. He scanned my face. “You ready for this?”

I wasn't nervous until that moment. “Why wouldn't I be?”

He grinned. “Just remember, the best answer is usually no.”

I stuck my hands on my hips and glared at him. “What does that mean? Why are you acting weird?”

His smile slipped. “And don't forget, you belong to me.”

“What? I don't belong to anyone, you big idiot. The only person I belong to is—”

He grabbed my hips and pulled me tight against him. He pressed his lips to mine and kissed me until I'd forgotten where we were and I was two seconds away from stripping down and jumping on for a ride.

Just as suddenly as he'd started kissing me, he stopped. “You're mine. And you're the starburst, don't let anyone give you any shit.”

He slipped away and got lost in the crowd before I could argue. I huffed. He could say I was his all he wanted, but saying it didn't make it true.

I stepped into the bright light and headed straight for the food tables. I grabbed a plate and filled it with fruit, chips and dip, macaroni and cheese, sliders, and chicken wings. My pack knew how to do things right. I carried my loaded plate toward an empty couch, but a tiny lady with graying hair stepped into my path. I'd never seen her before, didn't know her name, but I somehow knew it was going to be a while before I got to sit and eat.

“Julie Jacobs,” she said. “I'm Esther. It's lovely to meet you.”

“Nice to meet—”

“Axel says you're our starburst. I'm not quite sure how someone who beats people to a pulp for a living will make a good starburst, but Axel says you're kind and loyal and will look out for the wellbeing of us all.”

My cheeks warmed. I'd never been good with compliments and I tended to agree with Esther about me being a poor choice for the starburst. “Well, I—”

“Axel is certainly smitten with you, that's obvious.” She patted my shoulder and grinned, revealing two missing teeth. “He's been alone for too long and he seems so happy that you're his girlfriend. No man should go so long without sex.”

“I'm not-”

“The way he talked about you, I expect there'll be a wedding soon. We could certainly use some happy—”

“Hey, Esther,” Clarissa said, stepping up next to me. “I need to steal Julie for a minute.”

“Alright, dear. I was just about to ask Julie if she wanted to join me for a dive.”

“No,” Clarissa said.

Esther frowned and glared at Clarissa. “I asked Julie.” She smiled sweetly at me. “Would you like to join me for a dive? It's the most fun you can have on the mountain.”

I looked to Clarissa for some idea of what the elderly lady was talking about, but Esther slapped my shoulder. “Don't look at her, she's a stick-in-the-mud. Just say yes.”

I remembered Axel's advice about saying no and had a feeling I understood what he'd meant. “Not this time,” I said. “But thanks for inviting me.”

Esther frowned, but was quickly distracted by two teenagers who were…Were they spiking the fruit salad with…Sugar?

Clarissa pulled me away to an empty couch and I sat next to her. “What was she talking about?”

Clarissa rolled her eyes. “Esther's favorite thing to do is waterfall diving.”

“What's that?”

“Exactly what it sounds like, you stand at the top of a waterfall and dive, headfirst. That's how she lost her teeth.”

“That little old lady likes to dive from a waterfall?”

Clarissa grimaced. “Yeah. She tries a different waterfall every week. She's challenged a few of the young ones to a competition, but even they bailed after they all broke bones diving with her.”

“How is she still alive?”

“One of life's mysteries.”

“Thanks for rescuing me from her.”

She gave me a blank look. “Rescuing you?”

I pinched my lips shut tight and tried to think of a way to un-insult Esther.

Clarissa burst out laughing. “I'm teasing you. Of course, I rescued you. Eat up and then tell me what's really going on with you and Axel.”

I ate and we people-watched while Clarissa told funny stories about pack members.

I was halfway through my plate of food when a boy approached us. He looked about fourteen, with an angel's face and the devil in his eyes. He asked Clarissa if she knew of an attachment he could put on the zip-line so he could ride it upside down. He swore he'd have someone on the other end to catch him so he didn't bash his head into a tree. Clarissa told him no and, that if he tried it, she'd put him in jail.

After he walked away, she shook her head. “The threat of jail is the only thing keeping half the town alive lately.”

I was chewing my last bite of food when a middle-aged woman asked if we'd like to go roof-sledding. Clarissa said no.

“Roof sledding?” I asked, after the woman had walked away.

Clarissa sighed wearily. “They put a sled on a roof-top and ride it down. Usually, they wait for winter and deep snow, but I guess they're bored.”

I could see how boredom could be a problem there, but I didn't mention that to Clarissa.

As soon as Clarissa saw my plate was empty, she twisted to sit crisscross apple sauce on the couch and face me. “Okay, tell me about you and Axel. Obviously, you're sleeping together.”

My eyes widened. “You can smell that?”

Confusion twisted her brow for just a moment before she laughed. “Ew, no. I was actually just guessing. Everyone is talking like you two are engaged, but this town is unreliable for gossip. Now that you've confirmed the gossip, tell me, how serious are you about him?”

The music in the place was loud, but it was pretty quiet in our corner by the wall. I could hear her when she lowered her voice, could tell she was sincere. I wanted to be honest with her, but I didn't bare my soul to anyone. “It's just physical,” I said. “Neither of us is looking for anything serious.”

She frowned. “Sweetie, Axel is looking for something serious. The man doesn't do anything halfway. And the way he talks about you. . .” She stopped herself and waved a hand. “Look at me, I'm becoming as bad as the rest of the gossips around here. I'll stay out of it unless you hurt him. Break his heart and I will kill you.”

She looked fierce when she said that, and I believed her. “It won't be a problem. He doesn't even like me.” He'd told me so, and that was what I was choosing to believe.

She rolled her eyes.

“What's the story with the Aspens Whiten pack?” I asked, desperate for a subject change.

Her eyes widened. “He told you about them?”

“Alpha showed up at his place before we came here.”

“Shit,” she said. “They're getting ballsy. I told Axel we needed to do something to show them we wouldn't just roll over and…” She slapped a hand over her mouth. “You did not just hear that.”

“I didn't hear anything, but I agree. We need to fight. He won't even…”

She shook her head. “Look, I like you, Julie, but you aren't pack. You're just some woman our alpha is sleeping with, right?”

“He said I'm a starburst.”

“You're a starburst. That would be your rank in any pack, but you haven't pledged yourself to this pack and I won't discuss this with you until you do.”

She had a point. I looked at the mingling crowd and tried to picture myself as part of the pack. I could see it so easily. I felt comfortable there, felt like I belonged. I couldn't imagine leaving, finding a new pack…I couldn't imagine doing anything because I wasn't human any more. I needed time to figure out where I belonged. There was still too much about the werewolf world I didn't know or understand, and it would be stupid to join the pack just because they'd been the ones to turn me.

“Look,” Clarissa said. “Join the party, have fun, get to know everyone. You should be deciding if this is your pack, not worrying about the valley wolves.”

Clarissa stood and walked over to a group who'd been trying to get her attention for the last five minutes.

Axel was mingling as he had been since we'd arrived. I'd watched him when he was in my line of sight and I hadn't seen him eat anything. He had to be starving after our run.

I fixed him a plate, piled high with a little bit of everything. I wove through the crowd, narrowly missing having the plate knocked from my hands several times by dancing or clumsy wolves.

The expression on Axel's face when he looked up and saw me walking toward him almost made me drop the plate. He stopped mid-laugh, in conversation with someone else, and looked over at me. His smile lit his eyes and the warmth, the appreciation in those eyes made it hard for me to breathe.

This was bad. It was really bad. I liked that face way too much and I wanted to please him, wanted to see that smile again and know it was because of me.

His smile slipped when I didn't keep moving toward him and my vision went hazy around the edges. I gulped down air and straightened my shoulders. I pushed away the feelings that were overwhelming me and forced a smile onto my face.

I could handle this. I would handle it. I was in a new place, dealing with a major change. It was normal for me to cling to Axel a bit. It didn't mean anything more than that.

His smile fell the rest of the way, and his jaw tightened, like he could hear my thoughts. I hated the way my stomach plummeted with his smile vanishing. Just one more sign I needed to get away.

I forced my smile bigger and carried the plate to Axel. He took it and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Thank you, sweetheart,” he said.

He spun me to face the group. There were four other people, all staring in that way people do when they can sense tension but don't want to let on they're curious. I tried to pull away from Axel, but he just held on tighter. “Raphael, Lara, Burt, Freddie, this is my Julie Jacobs.”

I smiled, my teeth clenched tight. “It's very nice to meet you all, but I'm not his.”

Axel loosened his grip and I escaped him. I hated that he'd made me feel so trapped, hated that he'd put me on the spot that way. He gave me a sad smile. “It's true,” he said. “I misspoke. She's not mine, but I'm hers.”

“You're her girlfriend?” Freddie asked, breaking the tension and making the others laugh. I was so angry I could punch something, but I couldn't help smiling a little bit at the joke.

“I'd be her whatever, if she'd let me,” Axel said, unperturbed by his pack mates calling him a girl.

“Dude, you're coming on way too strong,” Raphael said. “Give the woman some space.”

Axel's smile widened. “You're right,” he said. He turned to me. “I've been coming on too strong, haven't I, sweetheart?”

Seriously, this guy was giving me the worst case of emotional whiplash. He was smiling, his stance easy, but there was a tightness around his eyes and I knew I'd hurt him. I hadn't meant to, but I'd hurt him. “Maybe a little,” I said, smiling for his friends. This was the right thing to do. Space was what we needed.

“We all need space sometimes,” Lara said. “I'm glad to have you in the pack, Julie, whether you're Axel's girlfriend or not. I want you to teach me some of your moves.”

“My moves?”

“You know,” she said. “Those kicks and punches and wrestling moves you did in the cage. I'd love to learn how to be a better fighter.”

My smile that time was real. “Of course. I'd love to teach you.”

Lara bounced on her toes and grinned. “I bet I'm not the only one either. It gets kind of boring around here sometimes,” she said. “It's fun to learn something new.”

“Boring?” Axel asked with mock seriousness. “How can you be bored? There's always some work that needs to be done.”

Lara laughed. “Fun, Axel. You should try it sometime.”

“I'm up for fun,” Axel said. “Let's show Julie the zip line.”

The rest of the group cheered and I found myself herded toward the back of the warehouse and out of the barn. It was dark outside, but my eyes adjusted quickly, able to make out more people outside. Two men were brawling near the woods, but Axel and his friends walked past like nothing was going on.

“I thought you were all pacifists,” I said, gesturing to the fighting men.

Axel shrugged. “They're just having a disagreement.”

I watched as one guy flipped the other guy under him and started pummeling his face with both fists. “It looks a bit more serious than that.”

Axel turned to face me. “I'm a pacifist and I won't let my pack fight with outsiders or anywhere we can be seen, but not everyone is as peaceful as me. As long as they follow the rules, I stay out of it.”

The guy on the bottom, the one getting beaten, shifted to wolf and flipped the other guy off him. He put his paws on his chest and growled down at him. The guy underneath swore at the wolf, but shifted, too, and the fight continued.

I shook my head and ran to catch up with the others. Even though I'd shifted a few times, I wasn't sure I'd ever get used to seeing humans become wolves.

Axel gestured me forward and climbed on a beat-up, muddy four-wheeler. His friends were on four-wheelers of their own. I climbed onto the back, having no idea what to expect, and got comfortable. I didn't wrap my arms around Axel's waist and I didn't press my cheek between his shoulder blades. We needed distance. Learning how to be a wolf had to take priority over a relationship, before I became any more dependent on him than I already was.

He started the four-wheeler and followed the others through the forest on yet another bouncy, dirt trail. I was sick of bouncing. I missed the smooth pavement of LA. We bounced up the side of the mountain for what felt like hours but was probably closer to fifteen minutes. We finally stopped and I hopped off before Axel could help me. I dodged his hand and joined the others at a set of rickety wooden steps.

Behind me, the four wheelers' engines revved and I looked back to see them now occupied by teenagers who whooped and drove at top speed down the mountain. “You wreck it, you buy it,” Axel yelled after them.

There was some more whooping in response and Axel shook his head. “We can't afford to keep replacing them. I'm going to have to ban those kids from any and all motorized devices.”

“Lighten up,” Freddie said. She handed both me and Axel harnesses, and we stepped into them and tightened the straps. “Where are the helmets?” I asked, looking around. I'd zip lined before, I knew the drill.

They all laughed like I'd made a ridiculous joke. I looked over at Axel and he smiled. “The kids wrecked whatever helmets we had doing stupid shit. It's safer not to give these people helmets. Makes them think a little harder about what they're going to do.”

“Right.” I thought I hung out with daredevils and risk-takers, but this pack had all my UFC friends beat. “I kind of like my brain. You sure you don't have a spare helmet lying around anywhere?”

“Nope,” Axel said. He didn't touch me, hadn't touched me, since we'd left the party. I was grateful for the space. I hadn't liked him touching me, anyway. “But the zip line is safe. Someone checks it out a few times a day to make sure.”

I followed the others up the rickety steps to a platform. There weren't many steps, so I figured we couldn't be up that high, but when I looked over the edge of the platform, all I saw was darkness below, the ground completely out of sight, even with my new wolf vision.

“How far does this thing go?” I asked.

No one answered me. Lara hooked herself to the zip line and hurtled down into the darkness. I watched her go, almost straight downhill, the trees so close to the zip line it looked like she could easily run into one of them if she got the slightest bit out of line. The others took their turns down the zip line, leaving me and Axel alone. I was happy to go last. Rationally, the zip line was safe and often used, but it was dark and I'd be zipping into a complete unknown.

“You go first,” Axel said. “I'll be right behind you.”

“Sounds good.” I bounced on my toes, taking comfort in the stance I took when I was about to fight, pushing aside fear and doubts and focusing on anticipation and excitement. I strapped onto the zip line, like I'd seen the others do, lifted my feet, and took off. I mean. I. Took. Off. I screamed at the sudden rush of air, at the way I seemed to be heading right for the trees, at the darkness all around and under me. I screamed once for surprise and fear and then I screamed for joy. I was flying through the dark forest, hurtling toward a complete unknown, but the ride was undeniably thrilling. Before I was ready for it to end, I saw the next platform. I lifted my feet and I landed. I unstrapped and hopped out of the way as Axel hurtled in behind me.

“How was it?” he asked.

“That was amazing. Can we do it again?”

His grin was immediate, his earlier hesitation gone. “Of course.”

So, we went back up the mountain and did it again. There were zip lines all over the mountain and Lara and the others joined us in finding them and trying them out. As the sky pinked toward dawn, we shifted to wolves and ran together in the fresh mountain air.

We returned to the party, human and dressed, as the sun rose. The crowd had thinned, but not as much as I'd expected. “You want to mingle some more, or do you want to go home?” Axel asked. He was standing a few feet from me, still giving me space. I couldn't, in that moment, remember why I'd wanted space.

I yawned and stretched. “I need some sleep. When is the meeting to discuss the valley wolves?”

“Not until three.”

“Then sleep sounds good.”

We walked together back to his house, but he hesitated on the porch. “I asked around and Lucinda has space for you if you'd like to stay there. Her roommate is hiking the pacific coast trail, just left yesterday, or I would have suggested it sooner.”

I hadn't believed him when he'd said no one had space for me. I'd thought it was just a trick, a little white lie, to have me stay at his place, but I'd been wrong. There really had been nowhere else for me to stay and, now that he'd found a place, he was ready for me to leave. Which was good. I needed space. “Great. When can I move in?”

His smile didn't slip, but his jaw tensed the smallest bit. “Today. She's looking forward to you staying with her.”

“That's so sweet,” I said, my enthusiasm forced. “I'll just grab my bag and be out of your hair.”

He nodded, but he didn't move, so I walked past him, my bare arm brushing his, my hand bouncing off his. I tried the door, only to find it locked. He pressed against my back, a whisper away from contact, and fitted the key in the lock. He twisted and pushed the door open. I hurried inside. I needed to get away. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and kiss him until I forgot all the reasons I needed space, but I couldn't do that. Everything was happening way too fast, way too soon, and I needed to use my brain. I needed to remember to protect myself.

“Lucinda's place is two doors down from Krista's.” He was behind me again, so close his words caressed my skin. “I can drive you.”

I was exhausted, ready to drop, but I couldn't be in the car with him, smelling him, having him so close, and not touch him. “It's not that far. I can walk.”

I grabbed my suitcase. It was already packed. I hadn't left anything out, hadn't wanted to make a mess, hadn't wanted to get too comfortable. I rolled it to the door, but Axel blocked my path. There were dark circles under his eyes and his hair was sticking up in every direction. He hadn't shaved since we'd gotten back to town and he was looking every bit the mountain man I should not be attracted to, should not want. But I did want him, more than I'd wanted him before. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and kiss his neck, taste his saltiness. His lips moved, lips I wanted to taste, and I realized he'd spoken and I hadn't heard a word he'd said.

“What?”

I expected a cocky smirk, expected him to call me out on watching his lips and not listening to him, but he just looked sad. “You can't lug that suitcase all the way to Lucinda's. Let me drive you.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, too tired to pretend I didn't want to know.

He didn't pretend confusion. Maybe he was too tired for games, too. “I've made it clear how I feel, Julie, but I'm not going to force you into anything. You want space and I'm giving you space. I won't push, won't ask for anything from you, until you come to me, until you decide you want me.”

“I won't see you at all?”

“Only in my capacity as alpha or a coincidental meeting around town.”

My eyes burned. Why did I feel like I was being dumped? This is what I wanted. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I wasn't thinking straight. Couldn't think straight around him. “Thank you,” I said. Because it might feel like I was being dumped, but what he was doing, giving me space to make my own choice was huge. It was one more reason to trust him, to trust he'd never hurt me or try to control me.

His expression lightened a bit. “You can come here and use the gym any time you want. I won't read anything into it. And you can come here to see me any time you want. You're calling the shots now.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Anything you ask, I'll give it to you if I can.”

I just stared at him, not understanding how he knew what I needed, how he understood that I needed to have control. “Did you hear my thoughts? Did you read my mind?”

“No,” he said, smiling. “I pay attention to what you don't say as much as to what you do say because I want to know you, all of you.”

And I realized I wanted to know him, too. As soon as I'd figured out this wolf thing, as soon as I got my feet back under me, got my confidence back and found my place in the pack, I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to meet him on equal footing and learn his interior as thoroughly as I'd learned his exterior. The realization should have scared me, but I trusted him. I believed he'd never hurt me. He'd proved that to me repeatedly.

“Okay,” I said, unable to bite back my smile.

“Okay?” he asked, his own smile open, if somewhat vulnerable.

“Okay, you can drive me to Lucinda's house.”