Chapter One
River
Many times over the last few years, I’ve tried to figure out what it is I’m doing. Sure I have the best friend a girl could want, but I still feel like I’m just dangling alone. Elijah has been my rock for so long that I know the one man I need more than anything else will never touch me.
It was part of the reason I went out that night.
It’s a night that I will never forget and want to erase from my memories all the same.
The depression that kicked in after it happened was the worst part. I tried like hell to hide it and some days were easier than others. It’s become like a wet blanket suffocating me more than I ever thought possible. Most days I wouldn’t get out of bed, and when Sebastian would pound on my door until I finally opened it, I saw the pain written all over his features.
Sometimes I don’t know why he comes around still and other times I hope that it’s for the same reason that I pray it is for. That he cares even a little bit about me that he wants to help save me from the demons in my head and the nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat.
He was there those first few days after the attack when Elijah had other things to deal with. At first, I was terrified that once Seb found out what happened to me, he would walk away, but he stayed. Never once making me feel like this was my fault. He even held me all night after I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. He made me feel safe, and for that, I can never thank him enough.
Closing my eyes, I lie back on the couch cushions and try like hell to forget everything that night for the hundredth, if not thousandth, time.
I live in a constant state of fear, and I want it all to end. Hell, I’ve thought about ending it all and then Elijah shows up on my doorstep, reminding me why I can’t give up. He reminds me of our friendship and how much I mean to him.
If only he weren't gay and that I loved him in that special way that I love his brother, maybe then everything wouldn’t be all fucked up, and I wouldn’t have gone out that night trolling for a guy to make me forget about the Inscio brother that never gave two shits about me.
A knock sounds at my door, and I don’t move from the couch. I already know who it is and I really don’t want to verbally spar with him again about the same thing. He doesn’t see it, and I’ve lost the energy to even try to explain it to him.
Part of me thinks that he still doesn’t want to accept that his brother is gay and the other part of me makes me want to punch the narrow-minded asshole.
Sebastian and Elijah couldn’t be more opposite if they tried, but I know how close they were before the secret came out. Elijah was afraid of what his brother would think about his sexual orientation, and I was always hopeful that they wouldn’t be dicks about it.
I was right about a few of them while the others still don’t really know how to act around him. Don’t get me wrong; now that Spencer and Elijah are out in the open, I am so happy for them. They deserve happiness and if I have to kick Seb in the dick to get him to see that they are happy together, then I will.
I hear the lock click and the door swings open. I watch his lean frame fill my doorway, and I just stare at him as he shuts the door behind him. His strides toward the couch are long, and he makes it to me in only a few steps which gives me no time to prepare myself for the verbal beating I’m sure he’s going to give me this time.
I’ve ignored his phone calls for weeks, and I know it only pisses him off.
That’s what I was hoping for anyway.
Why give him any peace of mind when I don’t have the same. Instead, my mind just reminds me of that night and the man who stole everything from me. That bastard made me feel lower than I’ve ever felt before and he took my sense of security. He stole my will to continue on.
“River.” His voice is low, and when I look up at him, I see something I’ve never seen before in his eyes. Regret. Sure, it’s mixed with the same anger that Elijah feels over what happened to me, but there isn’t one thing we can do to change it now. It’s in the past, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
He moves closer and takes a seat on the couch next to me.
The last time he was here, he kissed me, or maybe I kissed him. It doesn’t even really matter because for him it didn’t mean shit when for me it meant everything.
“What do you want?” I bite out. I’m bitter as hell, and I wish he would just leave me alone. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad for wanting to follow through with my plan.
“I want you to come stay with me.”
I let out a bitter laugh. Why in the fuck does he want me to stay with him?
“You mean so I can crash your whore party every night? No thank you. I am fine all alone.” I know I sound like a complete bitch, but I don’t care. The only thing I want is for him to leave and never walk through that door again.
“River…” he starts but doesn’t finish. He just stares at me like he doesn’t know me. The truth is, he’s never known me. I’ve always been his brother’s girl. The one thing that was off limits to him because he thought I was someone else’s.
“Don’t River me. You are only here because your brother told you to check in on me. You know what? Get the fuck out and leave the key. I don’t need either of you.” I can feel the tears starting to sting my eyes, and as much as I want to storm out of the room like I would have done a million times before, I just don’t have the energy. I can’t bring myself to do it or anything.
I want it all to end. I want all the pain and suffering to finally be over so I can move on. The sad thing is that it will never end. I’m dirty and broken. Nothing will ever make me whole again.
He stands up, and I refuse to look at him. Something lights up in his hands, so I squeeze my eyes shut and hope like hell that he’s leaving.
“Elijah didn’t send me here. I came because I care about you.”
I scoff at that and move to stand up. When I stand, he’s right in front of me, and I can’t even look him in the eyes. Every inch of me feels dead inside, and I want it to end. I don’t want to be a poor little injured bird that they think they can fix. I would much rather be a balloon that floats up and disappears, never to be seen again.
“I see the pain written all over your face, River. What you’re thinking of doing isn’t the answer. You’ll destroy my brother and me.”
I go completely still.
How would I ruin him?
“Elijah isn’t the only one who cares about you, you stupid girl. I wouldn’t come over here night after night just because he asked me to. I fucking care about you too, and I am tired of watching you waste away. I want the girl that you once were back. I want to see the fire in your eyes again and fuck, I want you.”
He reaches out to cup my cheek and as much as I want to pull back, I can’t. Feeling his hand on my skin is something that I’ve craved for so long that I can’t deny myself it any longer.
“I fucking want you so damn badly, but you need to talk to someone. I know you are on the verge of falling off that damn cliff, and I can’t stand by any longer and watch you slowly tiptoe your way off of it. You have to fight. Fight to be happy again.”
He brings my face closer to him, and I can feel his warm breath against my lips, and I can’t help but stare at his mouth.
“I can’t fight alone.” With those last words, he gently presses his lips against mine. All the emotions flooding into my head are overwhelming, and as much as I want to break the contact, I don’t. I just cling to him, praying that he never lets me go.
He holds me tightly to his body for far longer than I thought he would. Every time his fingers move along my back, I grit my teeth and bury my face into his chest. Partly, I’m glad for the silence that is between us and when he moves us to the bedroom, he lays me on the bed and lays beside me letting me curl my body into his.
This is the one place I feel safe, right here in his arms.
Sebastian Insico has always been the man I dreamt about. The one person I wanted more than my next breath, and right now, he’s the only thing that’s holding me together. Putting the tiny shattered slivers back in place from where they split from the rest of me.
“I’m not letting you go,” he whispers. His lips press against my forehead, and I wrap my arms around him tighter.
His palm rests on the back of my head like it’s done so many times before and I wish that things could have been like this before I was violated.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. If it weren't for me trying to get his attention at the club, I would have never been near the cocksucker. I would have gone home alone like I did most nights after dancing all night. I was stupid to think that Sebastian Insico would sweep me off my feet. He was never a fairytale kind of love that I thought I would get. Instead, he was a manwhore and way too much for a girl like me to deserve.
“You didn’t do this, River. Don’t say you’re sorry for something you didn’t do. That fucker was the one who stole that fucking fire from you. I just want to see you smile again. I would give anything to see that sass that I fucking love so damn much.”
I pull my lip between my teeth and try to even remember the girl I once was. It feels like so long ago now, and I don’t know if I can go back to being her.
She was fire and ice. Didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought and never took shit from anyone. But then again she had to be tough with a best friend like Elijah Insico. He and his brothers radiated badassness and no one ever fucked with them unless they had a death wish.
I was allowed into their precious circle because I was Elijah’s best friend or girlfriend to all his brothers. They never believed that we were nothing more than friends and I think Elijah hid behind me to protect his secret and I didn’t mind.
It allowed me access to Seb, and over the years I slowly fell in love with him while he fucked his way through my high school classes. I was the only girl in our grade that he didn’t sleep with because I was his brother’s girl.