“How do you happen to know Maury?”
“We had an affair.”
“Oh.”
Her eyes held his. “A very casual now-and-then affair over a lot of years. You know, this is funny, John. I was going to say something simple, that we were old friends, and that would have been true enough, but with you I have the feeling I can say what I mean.”
The waiter broke the moment, setting their cups of coffee in front of them. Creighton waited until he had withdrawn, then said, “Maury said you read my books. I think you told me that yourself at Stelli’s.”
“I did, and it was a lie. I hadn’t then, not yet. I went home and ordered them online. I had to hunt around for some of them, but you can find anything online.”
“They’ll all be back in print before long.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m glad, but I’m also glad I didn’t wait.
You’re a wonderful writer, John. You don’t need me to tell you that, and I’m not Michiko Kakutani, but they spoke to me in a very personal way.”
She talked about various books, and she remembered characters’ names, remembered scenes, and gave him something infinitely more to be desired than praise.
One of the questions writers got asked was for whom they wrote their books. The answer he usually gave was that he wrote for himself, and it sounded up to here with artistic integrity, but he’d never been entirely happy with it because it wasn’t altogether true. If it was just for himself, why bother writing it down? Why not work it all out in his mind and leave it at that? And, if he really was writing for himself, he’d have to say he was a failure at it.
Because how often did he sit down with an old book of his own and read the damn thing?
No, there was someone he wrote for, but unfortunately it was a person who couldn’t exist. He wrote for the reader he himself would be if he didn’t happen to have written the book in the first place. He wrote for someone who would understand at once everything he did or tried to do, who would always know what he meant, and who would be intellectually and emotionally in tune with every word.
And there she was, sitting across a rickety little table from him.
And she was gorgeous, and she was looking at him as if he were a god.
They talked. They sipped their coffee and talked, ordered more coffee and talked, sat over empty coffee cups and talked. Finally he got the check, put money on the table, and asked her what she’d like to do next.
She put her hand on his. She said, “Do you think they’ll rent us a room? If not, we’d better go back to your place.” I T W A S L I K E H I G H school or college, it was like being young again. They sat on his couch and kissed. He got hard right away, but there was no urgency to it; he could happily sit there forever, holding her in his arms, feasting on her mouth.
They were like that for a long time. Then they moved as one, disengaging. She stood up and slipped out of her blouse and skirt, and he wasn’t surprised to see that she wasn’t wearing anything under it. He was surprised, though, by the gold at her nipples, the hairless delta.
She said, “John, I’ll do anything you want, and you can do anything you want to me. Anything at all.”
A F T E R W A R D H E G O T A cigarette, asked if it would bother her if he smoked. She said it wouldn’t.
“You don’t smoke,” he said.
“No.”
He lit the cigarette, took a drag, blew out the smoke, and watched it drift to the ceiling. He took another drag but didn’t inhale, blowing a couple of smoke rings, then pursing his lips and blowing out the rest of it. He reached across her body and stubbed out the cigarette in an ashtray.
She asked if there’d been something wrong with it. He said,
“Maybe I’ll quit.”
“Why?”
“Lately,” he said, “I keep finding new things to live for. That makes it harder to justify committing incremental suicide.”
“And you can quit just like that?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I never tried before. I’m close to the end of the book, and this may not be a good time to go through withdrawal, but I can get a patch to keep from climbing the walls.
You know what? I just decided. I quit.”
He got up, grabbed the half-empty pack from the bedside table, got the carton with six packs still left in it. Outside the window, the neighborhood recycler was rooting in the trash for cans and bottles. “Hey, buddy,” he called, and tossed the cigarettes to him.
“Have a smoke,” he said. “Live a little.”
He got back in bed. “If I have them in the house, I might light up without even thinking about it. The patch will take care of the physical withdrawal. I might miss the oral gratification, though.” He looked down at her. “Maybe I’ll think of something,” he said.
T H E Y T H O U G H T A B O U T G O I N G out for dinner, wound up ordering from Hunan Pan. He put on a record, Thelonious Monk, solo piano. They sat cross-legged on the bed, eating off paper plates, listening to the music. Afterward he pulled up a chair and asked her how she knew. “Before you read the books. What made you order them in the first place?”
“When I met you,” she said, “I felt something.”
“So did I, though it didn’t register consciously. I was high as a kite on the auction and everything that went with it. I told you what Roger Delacroix said.”
“Yes.”
“But there had to be a reason why I kept your card. It’s still in my sock drawer. I missed my chance to call, but I wasn’t going to throw away your number. What made you come over to the table, though? The whole room must have been talking about my book deal. From a jail cell to the bestseller list, ladies and gentlemen. You wanted to see what kind of guy made that kind of leap?” She shook her head. “I was already interested in you.”
“How come?”