Come September everything had changed. Sammy had gone up a year at school and while Maria was still there cooking for me and helping me keep the house, she no longer had to do the school run because Blythe and Colin took him. They'd bought their home chain free within a matter of weeks. It was far enough away that they weren't ‘there’ all the time and yet close enough that they could become a daily part of Sammy's and my life. Mum and Dad were in the process of selling the villa in Spain and buying an apartment in Alicante and one nearby to the family home so they could split their time.
I'd spent three weeks waiting for the wheels of a Mercedes SUV to crunch up the gravel of the driveway. They never did.
It was okay. I was okay.
I hadn’t been, though. I’d cried, and I’d hated myself for it. I’d cried almost as much for the loss of Jonathan than I had for the loss of my brother. But on the third week, when the wave of tears began to ebb, I realised that the two were intricately linked. Saying goodbye to one man had helped me say goodbye to the other.
Today was the new start I so desperately needed. I was grabbing my bag and a spare bag of kit clothes when my phone rang. "You are not late on your first day, please tell me that?" Betsy drawled down the line.
"Not late yet, it depends on how long you plan to talk for." I hooked the phone under my ear as I searched out my car keys and set the alarm.
"Just calling to wish you luck, babe, you’re going to be great."
I laughed. "It's only the first day of training, Bets. I think it's going to be pretty low key."
"What happens if the fitness coach is a bitch?"
Sniggering, I cranked the front door closed behind me and waited for the three beeps of the alarm to tell me it had set. "Then I'm royally screwed."
"When does their youth academy start?" she asked.
"Next week." This was the bit I was most excited about, more than playing, being part of a team again in the way where every action I took meant something to others. I wanted to help other girls achieve the dream too.
"It's so exciting!" she squealed down the line.
"It is. Listen, Betsy, thank you."
"Meh, I didn't do anything. I just happened to overhear a conversation and dropped your name."
I gave a small smile as I fumbled my key into the ignition. "That's doing plenty. And I'll be thanking you forever. I've gotta drive now."
I pulled the car out of the drive and turned for the A roads that would take me to Kennington and the Oval. Once I’d been waved in by a security guard who gave me a badge for my car after ticking my name off a list, I found a parking space and worked my way to the main entrance. Justine Basset was waiting for me by the desk and quickly helped me get cleared by security. I already knew we were roughly the same age, we'd played against each other a few times over the years, but this was the first time we'd been on the same team. Justine was also on the Girls Academy training squad, and I knew we would get along just fine. "Lyssa, this is such a rush, we are going to have a great time."
I breathed out a sigh that had a tinge of nervousness around its edges. I hadn't even felt nervous walking into that man’s changing room the first day at the Red Cats. Why I felt nervous now was ridiculous—this was what I knew, it was in the fibre of my body right down to my soul. "I'm hoping I'm still up to it. I've been out for a year."
"Rubbish, from what I've heard you showed them all how to do it right on that T20 team." She handed me a locker key and a security pass.
"How do you know that?" I asked. The cricket community was tight, but why they'd been talking about me, someone who had only been a fitness coach for the last season was beyond me. My days of glory for England were far behind me, which meant that gossip tended to be trained on others now, thank goodness.
Justine groaned. "The men have some new members today. There's been a lot of talk. I tell you, sharing a facility with those gossiping women is painful on all levels."
My eyes narrowed. "Talk?" But even as I said the word I caught a flash of gold out of the corner of my eye and unable to hold myself I spun towards the sight.
There he was, his exquisite eyes trained on me and a smile twitching the corner of his lips as he pretended to listen to the person next to him.
I shattered into a million pieces. All the effort that I’d made fixing myself shattered into scattered pieces as I stared at that man. The man, who by hook or crook had become everything to me. The man who had walked away for the game.
The room began to buzz. "What's he doing here?"
Justine followed my glance. "Oh, Jase, it's his first day with the team today too."
"As captain?" I asked. My brain couldn't turn all this over quick enough.
"Captain? No, not at all."
He was moving towards me, his fingers catching hold of my elbow, electric tingles zapped along my skin. "Rivers."
"Willis."
And that was all I had.
He turned his brilliant gaze onto Justine. "Do you mind if I speak to Miss Rivers here for a moment?" His tone made it clear that even if she did mind it wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference, he was going to do whatever the hell he wanted.
I pulled my hand out of his grasp. "No, no, I've got to go and meet the team." I straightened myself up, so he didn't tower over me. That tick afflicted his lip again.
"Sure."
Justine pulled me away, marching me down the corridor. He called after me, "I'll catch you later, Rivers." And I knew he would. There wasn’t a question in his voice, it was a statement.
Justine's eyes were bulging out of her head. "Oh my god, is it true about you two?"
Internally I died into a little ball. This was terrible. I was going to break a contract by association. Hell, I hadn’t even read the contract, again. What was wrong with me?
I kept on walking, although my feet dragged all the way to the girls changing room.
"It's a total drag having to share with the boys," Justine was telling me. "But they can be a good laugh as well."
I wanted to snort, but I held it in. I could assure her that there was one guy on that team who was no fun to be around at all.
Was he? Was he?
The whole way through our initial team chat I could see him on the other side of the training zone, his hair burning in the September sun and a smile spread across his face. I never caught him looking at me, but I knew he was. I could feel it.
Eventually, because I didn't want to bomb out with my new team on the first day, I turned my back and focused. And then I worked harder than I had in a long time. "Thought you were injured," Justine called as I powered past her in a sprint.
"Seems to be better." A laugh ripped through my chest, and I just kept on running, pulling my Surrey cap over my eyes to shield my face from the sun.
After training, I was the last one left in the changing room, struggling my damp skin back into some shorts and a vest, when the door creaked open. "I'll be done in a moment, sorry I'm taking so long," I called.
"Take all the time you need." His voice did something to my insides, much like when you put strawberries into a smoothie maker and they turn to that juicy, squidgy stuff. I stalked around to the lockers, my wet hair hanging down my back.
"Why are you here, Jonathan? You got a job as a captain somewhere."
"Did you assume or know?" He folded his arms and leant against the blue of the door. The space between us ached and I wanted to shove my head down the nearest toilet if that would make it all better.
"Well..." I trailed off. Waller hadn't actually said. "Shit." I thumped my palm against my head. "That's why he wasn't surprised when I said I was coming to Surrey. He thought we were coming here together."
The Lancashire Lion didn't say a word. He just watched me as I ran through a million scenarios in my head.
And then I worked it out. "Please tell me you didn't get me this gig?"
"I wouldn't say got it for you. I got myself my gig and then happened to drop your name."
"But, Betsy?"
He shrugged. "Guess it helps if you have lots of people talking about you."
I took a step forward, "But Jase, you aren't a captain here, isn't this a step backwards?"
Those eyes blinked at me slowly. "I'm looking at it as more of a step towards something else that I need."
My tongue dried and stuck to the roof of my mouth as his hand reached out and his fingers linked loosely around my wrist. "Where have you been? It's been weeks? Sammy's been heartbroken." Fuck it. I needed to give a bit of myself. Share a part of me, so I said the words. “I’ve been heartbroken.”
He blinked again, his eyes shining with a depth that I’d never seen. "I've been sorting some stuff. I moved my dad out of the flat.” He scrubbed a hand into his hair, fine strands of gilt standing on end. “I sold the house I managed to keep in the divorce, the second one.” His lips twitched here but I couldn’t smile back, I was floored. His eyes glanced up to mine, a flicker in the deep recesses of the startling blue. “Truth is, Lyssi,” I died on the inside when my name fell from his lips. “I needed a clean start. I don't want to be that man anymore. The one that must apologise for things he hasn't done. The one that can't honourably stand up for the people he cares about. I needed a fresh start, a do-over if you will." His lips curved and my stomach plummeted to my feet.
At that moment, I may as well have never learnt to speak English or any language for that matter.
I wanted to ask him who he cared about but I had no words. That twitch curved his mouth, and he took one deliberate step forward.
Shaking my head, I tried to make space between us. I couldn't do this again, not another season of clandestine meetings and me falling deeper and deeper in love all the while knowing that he loved the game more.
"Lyssi," my name was low on his lips, “Can you give me a chance to try being a different man?”
"Tell me why you didn't want a job as a captain? You love the game more than anything. It’s your life." I demanded. I needed to know. I wanted him to say it. Tell me it straight. Was it because he was too old and couldn't get the gig or was it because...? I shook my head to myself. I couldn’t even allow the possibility to flourish within my imagination.
A shuddering sigh moved his chest. "Because I want you more, but I wanted to do it right. I’m not an easy man, Lyssi." His eyes flickered over my face and I stood basking in their light. “I know that. I’ve spent all my life fighting to prove that every sacrifice my family made was worth it.” His fingers reached for me but then dropped at his side, falling loosely. “I know I lost myself, I know that now.”
My heart stuttered a weird beat that made me feel a little sick. "Why didn't you stay at the Red Cats after they amended our contracts?"
He frowned. "Stay at a team that would rather I falsely admitted I had sex with a stripper than admit publicly I was in love with my fitness coach?"
"What did you say?"
He took another step forward. "I think you heard."
"Repeat it."
"No." He pulled me by my wrist. "You know it. I don't need to say it." His lips skimmed my cheek, my nose, before finally teasing my lips. When he pulled away, his arms tight around my waist—which was good, I was on the verge of falling— he stared me right in the eye. "Thank you, Lyssi. You and Sammy have shown me what I need, to be the man I want to be."
"What's that?" I croaked.
"Family."
I crumpled right there in his arms, cliché and ridiculous as it was but I slumped against his chest and lifted my mouth to his, where his hot breath mingled with mine as he bound me tight to his body. "The contracts? I can't get fired."
He laughed and placed his hands on my shoulders pushing me away, just an inch. “Didn’t you read your contract again?"
“Well..." I began to reply but his lips stopped any further words.
"I negotiated for both of us."
"You did?"
"I did." He smirked that old flash of the Lion.
"And how did you know I would be interested in any inter-team relationships?" My eyes were shining with brimming tears, and I knew they would fall with one more blink.
"Because you love me, just as much as you love cricket."
He wasn't wrong. Him, Sammy, my family and cricket - they created the very person that I was, and inside me, I had room for all of them.
His face fell for a moment and my entire being tensed with what he could possibly say next. “Lyssi?”
“Yes?”
“I know you’re the girl. The one I said shouldn’t play, all those years ago.”
I shivered inwardly. “You were wrong though, right?”
“I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life,” his eyes held mine and I drowned in the deep blue depths. “I’ve never forgotten you.” He lifted his shirt and grazed his fingers over the tattoo on his ribs. I leant in and stared at the Roman numerals but they didn’t mean anything.
“The date I hit you with the cricket ball. So I’d never forget.”
“I can assure you I didn’t forget either.”
His fingers grazed the scar on my eyebrow, the scar that stemmed from blood that in a different life he’d caused and hadn’t helped me stop. A million lifetimes ago.
His fingers clung onto mine. “I’m going to spend forever making a better impression than that.”
I smiled. “You already have.” Tiptoeing, I placed my lips against his. “So what now?"
He flashed me a grin that made my insides flip. "Well, there's a shower just there." He laughed, the sound bouncing off the walls as he grabbed me up into his arms and dragged me towards the shower.
"Jonathan," I screamed, but it was too late, he'd hit the button and water cascaded over us.
He kissed me, warm water gushing between our mouths. "Have I told you how much I love it when you say my name?"
"Yes."
He kissed me again, wearing away at my soul as it collapsed under the onslaught of his touch and kiss. "Please, don't ever stop saying it," he whispered, and I clutched my hands into his drenched hair and kissed that Lancashire Lion for all that I was worth.