For the first time in what feels like years, I can’t feel the nightmare of Devin’s hands on my body. I feel Asher’s. I feel a sense of freedom from The Beast that I didn’t believe possible, and I have Asher to thank for that. But at what price to Asher? I don’t let myself think about the implications of that question for too long. Not now when I’m naked and charging up a set of stairs with bags in my hands. Not even when I reach his bedroom, which smells all earthy and spicy like him, and now me. I can smell him on my skin. Not even when I rush across the brown wooden floor with a sanded finish to pass his massive bed, framed by a brown leather headboard. A bed I will sleep in with him tonight.
I hold my thoughts at bay until I’m standing inside his bathroom, fully dressed, with my new, used lace-up boots on, my money belt back around my waist, and my wild mess of hair brushed. A mess created by Asher’s fingers. Hair brushed with his brush that I found in a drawer of the dark brown cabinets beneath his double sinks. That’s how entwined my life has become with his in a blink of an eye. I’m sharing his brush, which is somehow far more intimate than just fucking. Because what just happened downstairs, which was supposed to be just fucking, wasn’t just fucking at all. My hand goes to my belly, to the scars there that run far deeper than the surface. Asher knew that, he understood, but he doesn’t know why, even if he suspects. That accident, the way the scars messed with my head afterward, those things weakened me for long enough to empower Devin, every nasty part of him, of which there are many.
I shove aside that thought and push off the counter, snatching my new, also used, black leather purse from the thrift store bag that I’ve set next to the dark wood edged egg-shaped tub. I study the purse, as I did in the store, almost certain it’s a real Chanel, which is a real treat for a girl with a bar tip trust fund and nothing more.
I slip it over my head and chest and let the small bag rest at my hip, despite it being ridiculously empty. I have no make-up with me. I have no key, but it serves a purpose. I lift my shirt up, and unzip the money pouch, removing a twenty and sticking it in the side pocket of the purse for easy access. I then take some cash and stick it in my boot. I straighten and I’m suddenly aware of Asher standing in the archway of the door. “You carry the cash with you because you’re afraid you’ll have to run,” he says.
“Yes,” I say, one part of my brain thinking about those colorful inked arms of his holding me, while the other thinks about Texas and the stupid moves I’d made there that cost me thousands of dollars. “I carry a purse so that anyone who tries to steal from me, thinks they got everything I have.”
“All smart decisions most people wouldn’t think about. I’d never leave cash in that shithole of an apartment regardless of the lock I installed, but you’re here now. Keep a couple hundred dollars with you. No more until I can make other arrangements for you.” I’d ask what arrangements he means, but he’s already continued with his thought. “You can leave the rest in my safe.”
He pushes off the archway and motions me to the closet, leading the way inside, where he flips on the light. I join him in the large walk-in with a bench in the center and built-in wooden cabinets. He stops in front of one of them, a row of suits beside him that I don’t expect, but I should. I’ve met his father. I know he went to Harvard. Asher opens the cabinet and displays a safe, turning the lock’s circular combination. “50-11-33,” he says, opening the door to display a wooden box with a gun sitting on top.
I remove two hundred dollars for my money belt, and then stick the belt in the safe, and the cash in my boot. “If you get into trouble,” Asher says, “you call me. If you can’t call me, meet me at the Hard Rock in Times Square. Sit in the bar. Wait for me and don’t take public transportation of any kind to get there. That’s where they’ll look for you. Walk there.”
“Why the Hard Rock?”
“It’s busy, with multiple levels, and not where anyone would expect you to go. They expect you to be on the move, and when you’re on the move, you might find them, and miss me. Stay put. Be the needle in a haystack and New York City is one hell of a haystack.”
“That haystack is exactly why I came here despite the high cost of living.”
“It’s expensive, but still a good decision.” He taps the box in the safe. “My emergency funds, ammo, and travel documents. If at any time you think you need to leave, take the cash and the gun, and leave my documents in case I need them to help you. I’ll get you documents for your fake name and I’ll teach you to shoot.”
“You can get me documents?”
“Yes, I can, and I will, and one of the reasons I want you to come with me today is to see Blake. He’s a world class hacker. My father is going to look into you. He’ll ask for the name at the security desk and since he bought the building, he’ll get it. I want him, and anyone else looking, to find you. The Kelli version of you, and Blake can make that happen.”
“Thank you, Asher. I hope I don’t ever need the emergency resources, but there is more comfort than I can express in knowing that I have them.”
“The only way to ensure that never happens is to destroy him before he comes for you.” He shuts the safe. “And when you trust me enough to give me his name, I will.”
“Know your friends and your enemies,” I say. “That’s a lesson I learned the hard way in Texas, when I called someone I thought could be trusted. Someone in law enforcement, Asher. High up and well-respected. I knew him for over a year. I’ve given you my trust in a blink of an eye. To ask me to trust your inner circle as fast is a wall I just can’t climb at the same speed.”
He studies me for several beats, his expression unreadable but obviously tense. “Let’s go.” He doesn’t touch me. In fact, he steps around me and starts walking. He’s angry and I get it. I have secrets. He’s protecting me despite those secrets and I don’t know what to do. I’ve already gone so far out of my comfort zone with Asher, but then, he is doing all of these things for me without any demand for anything in return. Even my secrets.
I follow him and by the time I catch up he’s already halfway down the stairs. I rush down them and he’s on the phone at the door when I reach the living room. “Twenty more minutes,” Asher says, glancing at his watch. “It’s only seven,” He unlocks the front door but doesn’t open it. “I’ll have an hour when I get there. Yes, Blake.” He turns to face me as I join him. “I’m aware you’re in a pissy mood and since that hasn’t happened since you’ve been with Kara, we obviously need to talk.” He ends the call and slips his phone back into his pocket. “The code is 2379,” he says as he opens the door and we step into the hallway. “You don’t need a key. I’ll install the app on your phone tomorrow.”
“You’re angry.”
“No, Sierra. I’m not angry. I’m just thinking.”
“But you’re feeling that regret now, aren’t you?” I ask, deciding that is worse than his anger.
“I’m just thinking, Sierra,” he repeats.
“About what?”
“Know your friends and enemies. That’s a profound and accurate statement. I understand what happened in Texas. I get it. You were betrayed by someone that resembles the people in my circles. But if you judge me and my people by him and his people, we’re over before we started and we’re also all going to end up dead.” He steps to me. “Think outside your box.”
“I have. That’s why I tried to walk away from you.”
“If that’s what you want, Sierra, I’ll let you go, but it’s not what I want, and someone alone is not better. It’s just alone.” He turns to open the door. I catch his arm.
“I’m about to take you to the Walker offices. I’m about to invite you into their safe zone. And I’m about to ask my boss, who despite his asshole mood is a good man, to give you the documentation you need to leave the country, while I’ve given you access to the cash. I’m doing this despite the fact that when you’re the kind of good guys we are, we make a lot of nasty enemies that could use someone like you to attack us. And I’m doing it, because you, despite all logic and time, already matter to me. Because I choose to trust you even if that makes me a fool, but I cannot allow that to hurt my friends who are my family.”
I press my fingers to my temples. “I don’t know what to do, Asher. I see your point of view. I see it clearly, but if you really see mine, you know why I can’t just blindly trust anyone, and yet I have you. Don’t ask for the documents yet. Wait until you trust me, and I’ll wait to ask for that kind of help when you trust me.”
“You didn’t ask. That’s the thing, Sierra. I’m not holding my help ransom.”
“I don’t know what to do, Asher. We’re trying to get someplace together that defies time but requires it. Either let me go, at least for now, or don’t involve them. Actually, I need to go.”
He steps to me, his hand at my hip. “Is that what you want? Do you want me to let you go?”
No, I think, but I know that’s me being selfish, so I say, “Yes.”
His hand falls away and he takes a step back, as if I’ve slapped him or hurt him. I don’t expect his reaction. I don’t expect the moment he turns around and presses his hands on the door, his head lowering, as if grappling with what to do next. Nor do I expect to feel the loss of his touch. Or the promise of losing so much more by losing him. I can’t leave him, and us, like this. I move toward him, and slide between him and the door, pressing my hand to his chest. “Not because I don’t want you. Not because I don’t want to see what this is between us. Because this is the only way I can keep you and them safe.”
His hand slides under my hair and cups my neck and he drags me close. “That’s not a good answer. I don’t wake up any day of my life expecting to be safe and neither do they. We expect to make a difference. And let me be clear: You can choose not to be in my bed, but I won’t let you end up dead.”
“You know that I want to be in your bed, Asher.”
“I’ll give you time Sierra, but remember this. Every minute I give you is a minute I give your Beast.”