Loïc
“My love for London is infinite, yet it manages to grow deeper every day.”
—Loïc Berkeley
I grin as London presses her face into my chest to block out the smell of the bus. She tells me that the ride down to Lindi the first time with Abdu was so much more pleasant, pee break and all. Being surrounded by some BO is nothing. I’ve spent weeks out in the field with a group of dudes. I’m accustomed to the smell.
I have to wonder how London plans to live here for the next six months. The way of life here is way out of her comfort zone, yet she insists on staying here until the adoption is final.
My little girl is growing up.
I’m nervous as hell to meet this baby. I’m all for adoption, and if this makes London happy, I’m an even bigger fan of the idea. But, at the same time, she is just so over the moon in love with this baby. What if I don’t feel it—the connection? I suppose I have no idea what I’ll feel—or what’s even normal to feel for that matter. I’m sure not all adoptive parents experience love at first sight like London did. I have to keep reminding myself that, regardless of the emotions I experience today, I will grow to love the baby.
After a very long day, the bus finally makes it to Lindi. We check in to the hotel before heading to the hospital, so we have a place to leave our bags.
London is almost bouncing as we walk the few blocks to the hospital. “I just can’t wait.”
“Ah, Miss London,” a man in a white lab coat greets us when we enter.
“Dr. Gyasi,” London shakes his hand. “I’d like you to meet my husband, Loïc.”
We exchange a few pleasantries before Dr. Gyasi tells us how happy he is that baby girl will be going to a safe home.
“Can we see her?” London asks anxiously.
“Oh, yes, please do.” He motions toward the side of the room.
London takes my hand, and we head in the direction the doctor pointed.
“Hi, sweetie,” London says to the baby girl. Her voice quivers with raw emotion as tears stream down her face.
When the little girl sees London, her face lights up in the most adorable smile I’ve seen. She shakes some metal bracelets in her pudgy hand.
“You still have the bracelets? That’s great.” London sits on the bed, facing the baby. “I missed you so much. I thought about you every single day.” She reaches out and runs her thumb against the baby’s cheek. “Can I hold you?” London extends her arm out.
The baby looks to London’s face and then to her outspread arms a few times—back and forth—as she decides upon her response. After a beat, she crawls forward, rests on her knees, and holds out her arms toward London. London slowly takes her into her arms, setting the baby on her lap.
“Hi.” London grins toward the baby as the little girl touches London’s cheek in awe. “I love you.”
I’m completely memorized as I watch the two of them, each equally fascinated by the other.
“I couldn’t leave you because I love you too much,” London tells her.
The baby continues to explore London’s face with her hands. She reaches out to feel London’s hair.
“Do you remember what that’s called? Hair.”
London touches the baby’s face and kisses her cheek. An evident connection exists between them. It’s pure, sweet, and very beautiful.
I’ve always thought London is the most gorgeous woman in the world. Seeing her now, holding this baby on her lap, exuding immense joy, it seems impossible, but she’s even more beautiful. In fact, the sight of the two of them together makes my chest ache.
I’ve yet to interact with the baby, and the feeling is already there. I have an innate desire to love and protect the two girls in front of me with everything I have. I understand what London sees in this child. She’s special, and she holds a beauty beyond measure.
My heart rate increases. With each beat, it fills with anxiety, fear, and immense love. This must be what being a parent feels like.
I’m pulled from my thoughts when London says, “I want you to meet your daddy.” She reaches out for my hand and pulls me closer to the bed. “Baby girl, this is your daddy. And you’re lucky because he’s the best daddy in the whole world. You’re going to be very loved.”
I kneel down to their level and hold out my hand. The baby cautiously looks at it, and when she decides it holds no threat, she runs her soft hand over mine. After a few breaths, she squeezes her fingers around mine and holds on.
“Hi,” I say to her. “I’ve heard so much about you. I’m so glad to meet you.”
“Do you see it?” London asks me.
“I do.”
“Don’t you just love her?”
“I do,” I answer honestly.
We spend the next hour talking to our daughter before Dr. Gyasi tells us it’s time to go. The sun is setting, and they have to lock up the hospital. He tells us that danger comes in at night and that we should head back to our hotel as well.
Before going to our hotel, we stop off at the beach. The sun is setting behind us, but the water is still calming as it splashes onto the sand. We sit in the sand and watch the water, silent for a moment as we each gather our thoughts from the day.
“I know what I want to name her,” London says.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yes. So, we want her first name to have a geographical meaning, like ours…right? So, what about Lindi? It’s a cute name. It’s where we found her.”
“I like that.”
“Then, for her middle name, I was thinking Blue, like her eyes and the ocean bordering her birthplace.”
“Lindi Blue Berkeley,” I say. “Lindi Blue. I think it’s perfect.”
“Right? I think it’s perfect for her, too. She looks like a Lindi,” London says with excitement.
Immediately, I feel her body language change.
“Loïc, I’ll die if we don’t get her.”
I pull her closer to my side, and she leans her head on my arm.
“We’ll get her.”
“So many things can go wrong.”
“They won’t,” I reassure her.
“We’re going to get her, right?” London’s worried eyes peer up to mine.
I smile. “She’s already ours. It’s just a matter of paperwork and travel documents now. That stuff takes time. But we’re not leaving here without our girl. Okay?”
“Okay.” She nods. “I just love her so much.”
“I know. I do, too.”
The next day, London and I rise early and get ready to go to the hospital. London has a suitcase full of stuff that she wants to deliver to the patients there, who are predominantly children. She instructed me to bring clothes, stuffed animals, games, and some basic first aid medicines and bandages.
“Did I tell you that, when I first saw Lindi, she was clutching a dirty plastic water bottle like it was a baby doll?”
I shake my head.
“Yeah, that’s why I gave her the bracelets. It was all I had on me at the time. But these kids have nothing. I mean, Lindi’s comfort item was a piece of trash. That’s not right. They should all have at least one toy that they can love and cherish.”
As soon as we enter the hospital, Lindi starts flapping her arms with a wide smile on her face. London and I rush over to her and give her hugs. London leaves me with Lindi while she passes out the contents of the suitcase to the children.
The children are all smiles and giggles as they hug their toys. The sight actually makes me a little sick to my stomach as I imagine the lives these little humans have lived up to this point and the horrors that face them in their futures. It’s not right that anyone has to live a life full of such terror.
London hands out clothes to the older children and adults. Every person also gets a wide-brimmed sun hat and sunscreen. I know she plans to leave Dr. Gyasi a sizable donation for the hospital and money for all the patients to help them when they leave here. It won’t be enough for them to live off of forever, but it will last them a good year while they try to find work.
I see London talking to Dr. Gyasi, and he looks worried. He nods, and London walks back toward Lindi and me.
“Well, he’s anxious about it, but Dr. Gyasi says we can take Lindi out of here for a couple of hours.”
“‘I’m sure your donation to the hospital helped.” I chuckle.
“No, he trusts me. He’s just afraid that something will happen. But I assured him that we’d be super careful.” Lindi reaches for London. “One minute, baby girl. Let Mommy get you protected from the sun.”
London puts Lindi in a white dress made of light fabric and long sleeves. Then, she places a sun hat on her head. “We can’t let the sun hurt your skin.”
We stop at the market to pick up some fruits, vegetables, and other healthy snacks for Lindi. She’s not had access to the healthiest of diets in the hospital. We take her to our hotel room.
First thing, London takes off the piece of fabric that was acting as a diaper for Lindi. “Oh, sweet girl. Your bum is all sore. Don’t you worry. We’re going to get you a bath. Then, we’re going to put some medicine on your bottom that will help all of the ouchies go away. We bought you some real diapers that won’t hold the wetness against your skin anymore, so you shouldn’t have any more boo-boos on your butt. Okay? We’re going to take care of you. I promise, you won’t be hurt or hungry or dirty anymore. We’ll see you every day, and soon, you’ll be able to come home with us. Okay?”
I’m almost positive that Lindi doesn’t understand English, as she came from a Swahili-speaking home, but she stares intently into London’s eyes as she speaks. So many emotions flash through Lindi’s eyes, as if she’s soaking in every word. I suppose she doesn’t have to understand the words to feel the love in everything London says.
We have a perfect day. We spend time with our girl. We read stories and play peekaboo. She giggles.
When we take her back to the hospital, she is clean, dry, well fed, and happy. Our hearts are full.
The next several months will consist of more of the same mixed in with phone calls to our lawyers. It will be a long process, but I can’t complain. I have my wife and my daughter here with me. There’s not much else I need.
Once we’re back at the hotel, I lie in bed with London, tightly wrapping my arms around her middle and pulling her close to me. My lips find hers, and I kiss her hard, unable to ever get enough of her.
We kiss for what seems like hours. Her breath mixes with mine, and my lips numb until I don’t know where I end and she begins. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter because everything I am is hers anyway.
The depth of what I feel for her can’t possibly be described. My love for London is infinite, yet it manages to grow deeper every day. She’s my reason for everything. Through her, I’ve found life. She’s shown me my purpose. She’s loved me unconditionally. And, now, she’s given me a daughter.
I know that the darkness of infertility is behind us. I can feel the change in London. I knew she was different the moment I saw her in the airport.
Finally, I pull my lips from hers and simply hold her. “Thanks for coming back to me,” I whisper.
“Thanks for loving me until I did.”
“I love you—always.”
From as early as I can remember, I wanted to go to the magical place named London. My entire life, I saw the city, an ocean away, as my safe place. All would be well when I reached it. I would finally be happy. I would finally know what it felt like not to be in pain. I would be loved. I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I still can’t believe that my safe place, my sanctuary, my heaven on earth, found me. Bikini-clad and obnoxious at a car wash, she found me.
Even as a young boy, I knew that I needed London. And I was right.
Wherever she is will forever be home. She’ll always be my happy place.
My London.
Eternally.