Cara
I’m so nervous my mouth is dry, and I’m regretting my impromptu decision to ask Luka on a date.
Before we get to go out at the weekend, we’ve this week’s class to get through together, and I’m feeling all kinds of vulnerable for putting myself out there. What if he changes his mind and tells me today?
None of the students are here yet, as I wanted to get here early and prepare. I need to get my head back into the right place for teaching. One of the guards at the door opens it and pokes his head around. He’s called Dave, and he’s a lovely bloke.
“Hey, Cara. You’ve got a new one joining today. Arrived two days ago, and signed up for as much stuff as he could. His name is Clive Leeson and he’s in for dealing. His file should have been sent down for you but the office hasn’t done it yet. Thought I’d give you a heads up. He seems okay, for one of our guests at any rate.” He rolls his eyes.
“Thanks for letting me know, Dave.” I add the new guy’s name to the bottom of my register.
“Hi, Luka,” Dave smiles and moves to one side to let Luka past.
I look up at the man who is taking up far too much real estate in my brain, and hate the flush I can feel spreading over my cheeks. I put on foundation today, something I don’t normally do, to try and hide any blushing, but I doubt it’s working.
“Hey, Cara.” Luka’s greeting is easy, casual. “You feeling any better?” He gives me a blinding smile and pulls a chair up, and his friendly demeanor relaxes me.
“Yes, I am. And thanks so much for taking care of me. You didn’t have to.”
“What are friends for?” But he says the word ‘friends’ with a strange emphasis, and his eyes do a quick flick up and down my body.
I squirm a little in my seat.
“So, where are you taking me for this slap-up meal?”
The place I’ve chosen is lovely and serves damn fine Italian food. But nothing on the menu can match the mouthwatering vision in front of me. Luka isn’t wearing dark trousers today, he’s got on a pair of worn jeans and a rugby shirt, and he looks amazing.
“It’s a small and cozy Italian in town. Nothing too flash or anything, but the food is gorgeous.”
“I like small and cozy,” he says. “Don’t do too well with big, noisy places.”
“Oh?”
“I get migraines from a head injury I sustained out in the field. Noisy places can set it off. As can overly bright lights, and that kind of thing.”
“Must be a bit of a pain.”
“Not really.” He sighs and stretches his legs out. “I mean, it is when I get one as they’re bloody debilitating, but I’m fine about not being able to go to noisy, crowded places. They’re not something I want to do these days.”
“Your clubbing days are over?” I smile at him, and his eyes meet mine. For a moment, something passes between us. Something unguarded and open. It’s more than the simmering attraction we have—it feels like friendship. Real, warm friendship. I look away first and mess with papers.
“Oh,” I add, “there’s a new guy starting today. It happens, because obviously the prison takes new people all the time. Sometimes they aren’t allowed to join classes until the new term starts. But because he’s only missed a couple of lessons, they’ve obviously allowed him to. Name’s Clive Leeson. In for dealing drugs.”
Luka nods and makes a note of the newbie’s name on one of his files. “No worries.”
The door swings open and noise hits as the men start filing in. My heart picks up, but I’m okay. A little nervous, but glad Luka is by my side as I get used to being back in the swing of things.
Mike comes in, and instead of doing his usual sitting at the front creeping me out routine, he takes a seat towards the back. I glance at him, and must have frowned or something because Luka leans in.
“We decided Mike should change seats while you were off. He’s cool with it and helps keep an eye on the group. He’s alright, you know.”
Part of me wants to have a go at him for taking that decision. Part of me wants to thank him. And another part of me warms as the realization he did this purely for me, to take care of me, sinks in.
I’ve not had anyone take care of me for the longest time. Tristan tries, but it always makes me feel suffocated, not cared for, with the way he does it. Like the text he sent this morning. “Doll, let me know when I can come and stay. I’ll be able to swing a few weeks off work. I’ll help you start to get things back on track. T”
Not if he can come and stay, but when.
Thing is, Luka pulls similar shit. The way he strolled into my house with stuff when I was sick, but with Luka I know if I told him to stop, or go away, he would. Tristan simply keeps on pushing.
When you lose your parents young, you become an orphan before you’re truly an adult, and you must take care of yourself. I think it’s left me vulnerable because I swing between pushing people away, and letting them boss me around. For some reason, with Luka, I can stand my ground. Fight back, and not worry he will get all butthurt like Tristan does, or that he’ll go into worry mode like Laura. It’s refreshing. He’s domineering, but he is up front, straightforward and one of the few people I feel I could tell to butt out if I wanted to.
The men are sitting down and larking about as we wait for the room to fill. I look down to today’s lesson plan, and smile. This is the first day they’ll get to write some fiction. I always love reading what the men produce. Sometimes you find real talent in these classes. One ex-student, now on release, has had a book of poetry published.
I glance up as the door opens again, to see a man led in by Dave. Must be the new guy. I look to my sheet to tick him off, and look back up as he takes his seat.
The universe tilts on its axis as I stare at the man shuffling about in the cheap plastic chair three rows down.
It can’t be.
My heart is pounding and my head spins. I put a hand to my chest not thinking, needing to soothe myself somehow.
Luka twists in his seat and glances my way.
The man, Clive Leeson, hasn’t looked at me yet. And it’s the only reason I’m still sitting here. Because the moment his eyes find mine, I’m sure I’ll keel over.
Sat in front of me, taking up too much space, and with the livid scar, and brutal buzz cut hair I remember too well, is one of my attackers. The one who broke my leg.
Shit. How can this have happened? What do I do?
In what seems like slow motion, the thug raises his eyes, and looks to the front of the room. His glance darts off Luka and comes to rest on me. For a moment, it’s as if time stops completely. Then his eyes narrow, and his face pales. He recognizes me. Oh my God.
I try to breathe, but I’m not taking in air too well.
“Cara?” Luka’s voice washes over me as if from far away.
I don’t want him saying my name. I don’t want this man to know who I am. Maybe his friends are still on the outside, and now they know my name can find me. Come and get me so I can’t tell the police.
A million thoughts flit through my mind as my heart tries to pound its way out of my chest.
As we stare at one another, caught in a shared moment of shock, something else begins to take over Clive’s face. Something nasty, and dangerous. His color returns, and his thin lips twitch up in a smirk.
I’m going to be sick. I’m sure I’m about to throw up.
Lukas is up and moving before I can do anything. He’s at the door and having a word with the guards. I can’t hear what’s being said, but the next moment the men are being led out of the room. There’s grumbling and moaning, and Lukas is saying something about me still being sick.
I don’t care. I should care because this sort of weakness isn’t easily overcome with these guys. You need to earn and hold their respect. But I can’t do anything at all about those things. I’m having to use all my willpower to simply keep on breathing.
After what feels like hours, the classroom is empty, and it is only me and Luka. I’m shaking as I look down at my trembling hands. Even my jaw is shaking. Holy shit. I need a valium. I don’t think my herbal pills are going to help me now. How can that man have been in my class?
But my brain says of course he could. He’s a criminal, and he got caught for dealing and possession of drugs. I haven’t got his file yet, and I wonder how heavy his sentence is? It won’t be anywhere near as heavy as it would be for what he did to me and Tristan. Tristan! I need to ring him. I try to grab my bag, but I’m so dithery I drop it and the contents spill all over the floor.
“Shit.” How fucking annoying. I try to pick things up, but keep dropping them, and I’m crying now too, so can’t see properly.
A big warm hand covers mine.
“Leave it, Cara. Sit up. It’s okay.” Lukas is talking in a low, but firm voice.
I do as he says automatically. I sit up and leave my stuff spilled all over the floor.
“Look at me.”
I do, and through my tears see his face. He looks pissed, and I hope he’s not angry at me.
“What the fuck’s going on?” His voice is terse, and I don’t want him angry at me. I don’t need it.
“Don’t be angry with me.” My words come out as a whisper. All my usual assertiveness gone, vanished, as I break apart.
“I’m not…fuck. I’m not angry with you, Cara. But you’ve got to talk to me. What’s going on?”
“I think the flu…” I start to lie, not sure why, but not able to talk about this right now. The words trail off though and I can’t think what to say.
Luka gives a soft laugh. “Nice try, but you think I don’t know what a panic attack looks like? I’ve seen more than enough in my time.”
“Oh, yeah? I expect hardened soldiers freak out all the time.”
“More than you’d think.”
I don’t know what to say to that.
“Everyone has a breaking point.” Luka lifts my chin with his thumb and looks at me. “Talk to me.”
I can’t! I’m terrified. I want to leave, but am scared to even walk through the prison.
“Cara!” Luka doesn’t shout but his tone is severe. “Honey, you need to talk to me, right now.”
And something in the way he says it makes the words finally flow.
“The new g-g-g-guy.” Oh, my God. I’m shaking so much I stutter. “H-h-he’s the one who…who attacked me.”
Luka frowns and then his eyes widen. “What happened in the attack?”
There’s a tic along his jaw as a muscle jumps, but his voice is soft, kind. And his hand holding mine still is reassuring.
“I was walking home with my friend, Tristan. We’d been to a gay bar with Laura and Mags. Whether these guys saw us leaving the bar and were bigots, I don’t know. Anyway. We were walking home, and these three men were being rowdy across the street from us. We ignored them, to be honest, didn’t think much of it. And one of them said something, I don’t even remember what. Then he accused us of being stuck up for ignoring him. We walked quicker, but they began to speed up too, still taunting us. And then they ran across the road and laid into us. It was so random and bizarre. Said we’d looked at them funny.”
The memory makes me want to throw up. I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I thought they were going to kill Tristan.
“Thing is, I thought they’d hurt Tristan, but he went bezerk. Swinging his fists and kicking his legs like nothing I ever expected to see from him. One of the guys wandered off, obviously thinking it was all too much trouble. The other two halfheartedly pushed Tristan around a bit, and then he shoved one of them. The one in this class, and he fell onto me. He’s a big bloke, and he broke my leg. It hurt so much, I started to scream when it happened, and they ran off. Tristan freaked out and they never caught the guys. I tried to give the police a description of them, but Tristan says he can’t remember what they looked like, sort of blanked it out. The police didn’t look for long.”
“Fuck.” Luka jumps up, letting go of my hand, and paces back and forth. “Utter fucking bastards.”
He turns back to me and the anger I see in his eyes has me cringing. He immediately softens his tone and comes to sit again.
“I’m sorry. It’s a bit of an issue with me, because my piece of shit brother-in-law beat up Sally. I find it hard to not get angry, but I understand it’s the last thing you need right now. I’m calm now. Scout’s honour.” And he holds two fingers up, which makes my lips twitch in a tiny smile.
“Luka, what if this guy asks my name and the prisoners tell him? He could already know it, have asked already, and then he only has to ring his friends who were with him, and if they find where I live…it’s not a common name. I could be found.”
“I’m staying with you.”
What? Oh, no. No. No. No. I don’t know what terrifies me more. The idea of these guys finding me, or Luka staying with me.
“I’ll go and stay at Laura’s.”
“Not acceptable.”
I narrow my eyes at him, and at least his bossiness has stopped my panic attack some. “Excuse me?”
“Not acceptable. You won’t be safe there. I can keep you safe.”
“You can’t simply move into my home for an undisclosed amount of time in case these men find me.”
He rakes a hand through his hair, impatience buzzing in the air around him. “I can, and I am. I can keep you safe. And look, if you think this is an excuse to get into your pants, I’ll sleep in the spare room. No funny business at all.”
“I’m nothing to you. Why would you do this?”
“Oh, but you are something to me. I don’t know quite what you are, but you’re something, alright, and I won’t sleep knowing you’re either home alone and scared, or at Laura’s and putting them in danger.”
“I don’t want to put you in danger.”
He laughs. “I can handle myself, and Thor only lives around the corner from you. If we need him he can be at yours in five minutes. I’ll call and give him the heads up to always have his phone on him.”
Thor? Have I entered a parallel universe? My face must be a picture because Luka starts to laugh. “Sorry, it’s our nickname for our friend Reece. Big, blond, heroic. Hence Thor.”
Ah, okay. I should put up a fight. Tell him absolutely not, but a not-so-small part of me wants him there. Will feel safer with him there.
“Okay. But you know, I’ll do all the cooking and stuff. Least I can do.”
“You don’t have to pay me, Cara. I want to be there.”
I want him there, too, and it makes no sense at all. What am I getting myself into? Another thought hits me and I turn to look at him. “What do I do about my job here at the prison?”
He sighs. “I’ve no idea. You need to think about what you want going forward. This is a decision only you can make, but I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
And there’s the difference between him and Tristan. Luka can be domineering, but he isn’t controlling. He gives me the space to make my own mind up about things. The times he doesn’t is when it comes down to my safety, or during sex. I don’t mind the first, and I love the latter.
I look around the room. It’s a bright day, and sun is streaming in through the windows, but the light can’t hide the depressing nature of the space. I’ve been finding this whole gig uncomfortable since the attack. I don’t need the money. Not really. I can always find a part time office or shop job if need be. The beauty of Mum and Dad leaving me well provided for. So why don’t I leave? Part of me hates the thought. Feels like a quitter and a failure. But if I dig down beyond that, to the space where my instinct lives, the idea is freeing. It’s what I want. My God, I don’t want to be here any longer.
It's kind of a seismic realization, as I’ve been doing this work to somehow honor my cousin. But it is what it is. I’ll have to work my notice. I’ll not leave them in the lurch, but if I talk to the Governor tomorrow, I could be free of this place in a month.
“Come on. Let me walk you out. I’ll go home, get some stuff for yours, and explain to Sally.”
I let him take my arm at the elbow and lead me out of the room. Once we get outside the imposing walls I can finally breathe. Luka heads towards some sort of SUV and holds the door open for me. It’s high, and I clamber in. It’s a massive thing, and I bet it guzzles a ton of petrol, but it’s old and battered.
Once he sits in the driver’s seat, he puts his phone in the holder in front of him and jabs at the buttons. It starts to make a ringing noise, and I realize he’s put it on speaker and is calling someone.
“Yeah.” A deep, smooth male voice fills the car.
“Reece, got a problem.”
“What’s up? Not the cameras for Regency Rise, is it?”
“No. Nothing to do with that. Shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you.”
My eyes widen in surprise at how he talks to his friend, but maybe that’s the way rough and ready guys are with one another.
“Cara’s got some possible trouble heading her way.”
“Cara? Oh…the hot teacher chick.”
Luka grinds his teeth and I bite back a smile.
“Swear to God, Reece, you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m coming over there and I’m going to punch you in the face.”
“Okay, keep your panties on, GQ.”
GQ? Then I get it, and I can’t keep the smile back this time. The name fits. He does look like some sort of model out of a high-end men’s magazine. Only better.
“As I was saying. Cara has some possible trouble coming her way. A few months back she was attacked. Seems random. A few pissed-up twats started in on her and her friend. But they were never caught, and they hurt her. In the tussle one of them fell on her and broke her leg.”
Luka pauses and looks at me. “Just how bad was it?”
“He broke it in two places. I needed surgery and a cast.” My voice is pathetic and weak, and I wish I could be strong for once.
“Jesus.” Reece sounds genuinely upset. “Fuckers.”
“My thoughts, too.” Luka growls the words. “One of this bunch of shitheads turned up today to Cara’s class. Total coincidence, I’m thinking. But he knows her name now. There can’t be that many Cara Toulsons in Harrogate.”
“So, you’re thinking he’s going to be on the blower to his friends and they’ll come looking for her?”
“Exactly. I’m going to stay at hers, swinging by mine now to get my stuff. But can you keep your phone on in case I need back up?”
“Will do. Always got your back, brother. You know that. I’ll let Liam know, too.”
The line goes dead. No, speak soon, or I’ll call you next week, like me and my friends. Not even a goodbye.
I risk a glance at Luka and he’s focused on the road. I let myself admire his big hands and strong forearms on the wheel for a moment. And then I turn to look out the window. He said he’d stay as purely a friend, but I’m not sure I want that.
I don’t know what I want.