So that was it.
Charlotte’s whole body tensed. She’d alienated her fiancé, her best friend and her mother. She’d pushed them all away in one way or another in her attempt to find out who she was. Oh, that very idea that she might feel part of something bigger than herself… and now she felt small. Tiny. Hurting.
And so very alone as she stood on one side of the boat and they all stepped down into the hull.
‘You’re having a baby?’ Niamh was open-mouthed, wide-eyed in disbelief, staring at Lissa.
‘You’ve got cancer? Cancer? Oh my God. Why didn’t you say? What the hell…?’ Pity. Pity in their eyes. Each of them. And it hurt like a thousand wasp stings. The last thing she wanted was that.
‘A lump?’
‘Your birth mother? Carol?’ Charlotte didn’t even have to see who said that. She registered the emotion constricting her chest.
‘A baby?’ Mia stumbled out of the bedroom and joined them all. ‘What baby?’
It was like a flipping tea party. And yet also like that long, slow wait for the gallows. Charlotte looked at each of them in turn, at the shock, the raised eyebrows, the fresh crop of tears. And her heart scraped all over again.
‘Okay. Okay. Shut up everyone, for God’s sake.’ Lissa waited for them all to gather into the room. Eileen sat on the sofa, her back ramrod-straight. Her face stone. Her hands were shaking. Trembling. And Charlotte’s heart ached even more. There was so much she should have said. Done. She wanted to wrap those hands round her and curl into her mother’s embrace. But it didn’t look as if that would happen any time soon. Lissa sat down. ‘So, clearly you all heard.’
Shelley nodded. ‘It’s a bloody lightweight wooden boat. Of course we heard.’
‘Every word?’ For a moment Charlotte felt hopeful. Maybe they hadn’t caught everything. Maybe she could take her mum to a quiet place and tell her everything without this crowd watching. Knowing. Judging. Panicking. Pity. She couldn’t bear any of it.
Shelley nodded again. ‘Every word.’
Sonja swivelled to look at Lissa and Charlotte was grateful to be out of the spotlight. ‘Pregnant, eh? Holy moly, I was not expecting that. I thought it was weird you’d take this antibiotic thing so seriously. I had no idea. I never guessed. Not happy?’
‘No.’ Lissa ran a protective hand across her belly. She didn’t even know she was doing it. But when she did it seemed as if her whole body softened. Until she remembered she needed to appear as if she didn’t care. Until she remembered she was supposed to be fighting. She glared hard at everyone. ‘Not entirely. No.’
‘You’d make a good mother, Melissa.’ It was Eileen. Her voice was small and she looked shocked. Pale.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘You would. I’m not saying it’d be easy. But you’re strong, so strong that anyone you gave your love to could only feel cherished and protected. And who knows? Maybe all those things you want to do won’t seem so important once you hold your child for the first time. Or maybe you could go and explore together. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility. People do it.’
Lissa’s face crumpled a little. ‘But what if… what if I don’t love it? My mum didn’t exactly dote on me. In fact, I can safely say she didn’t like me. At all. Never mind love me.’
Eileen smiled for the first time since she’d walked in on the argument. She still hadn’t even looked at Charlotte. It was almost as if she couldn’t. Dealing with an emotional Lissa was easier. ‘Trust me, Melissa, you have a lot to give. When I was given a screaming, red-faced baby who wouldn’t stop crying for hours, and who had the worse case of reflux the doctor had seen in years, I was so scared. Frightened. I thought that whatever I did would be the wrong thing. But one day I said to John, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared. I’m out of my depth and she can feel it. She knows I’m not her mother and I don’t know if I can love her the way I’m meant to.’ And he said, You just have to choose to love her. And then you will.’ Her voice cracked and this time she did look at Charlotte. ‘And so that’s what I did. I just chose to love her.’
Choose? Choose. Charlotte’s heart rate escalated. And she could un-choose at any time, right? That was the deal.
But her mum was still talking. ‘And even though it wasn’t plain sailing, we did get on a lot better after that.’
Lissa’s palm stayed on her belly. Her eyes filled with tears, just like Charlotte’s. ‘I’m scared to love it.’
Eileen’s hand ran up and down Lissa’s back. ‘I know. I know you are. But that doesn’t mean you can’t.’
They sat for a few moments as Lissa digested this. She looked at each of them in turn – except for Charlotte, which felt like a knife stabbing her gut. Then Lissa looked down at her belly and nodded.
‘I think I’d like to try.’ Then there was a tear running down Lissa’s cheek, bringing her thick mascara and eyeliner with it. More tears. More streaks. And a huddle of girls promising her everything would be okay.
And for Lissa, it would be. She was strong and feisty and would love that baby fiercely.
But still Lissa didn’t meet Charlotte’s eye, and Eileen turned her back. And Charlotte still hadn’t heard from Ben. And she still had this stupid bloody gene. And no baby and not much of a future.
So Charlotte doubted everything would be okay at all.
Finally, Eileen turned to Charlotte and tugged her away from the group. ‘We need to talk. A lot. I want to know everything.’
‘I didn’t want you to find out like this.’ All the bricks of Charlotte’s carefully constructed life were starting to fall around her. It felt as if her bones were dissolving in her legs, her heart crumbling into sand. ‘I just wanted to know who she was. Who I am.’
‘Later. We’ll talk about her later. And I’m okay with it, Charlotte. Honestly. I’ve been expecting it for a long time. None of that’s important compared to everything else.’ Eileen shook her head, took Charlotte by the hand and walked her to the deck. Outside they could see the Amsterdam lights, hear the city at midnight sounds: heavy bass beat. Laughter. A shout on the gentle breeze. ‘The cancer, Charlotte. Tell me about the cancer.’
She’d thought her mother’s first concern would be about Carol, about being usurped, but Eileen was sure of her place in Charlotte’s life. Of course she’d want to know about the illness first… anything else would pale into insignificance compared to that.
But how Charlotte wished she didn’t have to think about the cancer. How she wished it didn’t dominate her every thought, her dreams, her future. How she wished she’d never heard of the word, never found that lump, never set off on a trajectory that seemed as if it were bounding out of control.
How she wished she was seven years old again, slipping silently onto her mother’s knee and holding on to her waist, innocent of where she’d come from. Unaware of the importance of keeping a check on her parents’ feelings. Blissfully, blindly innocent of how her world could change with one sentence. One word.
It was harder to say these words out loud to the woman who’d cared for her for so long than to say them to anyone else. She could see the worry etched in Eileen’s features, in her eyes… the luminosity of earlier having faded to anxiety. ‘It’s a faulty gene, which means a whole lot of trouble in the future. Actually, now, too, in a lot of ways, if I’m honest.’ Especially where her wants clashed against Ben’s.
‘Is this why I haven’t seen you so much recently? You’ve been worrying about it on your own. Or is that the… er, Carol business?’
Everything Charlotte had been worrying about swelled into a huge knot threatening to overwhelm her. She hadn’t realised just how much she’d been hanging on by her fingertips, surviving. ‘It’s everything, Mum. I’m scared. Scared about everything. About dying, about not having my own child, about losing Ben. Losing you. I’ve been trying hard not to worry, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to get sick.’
‘No one does, love.’ Her mum slipped her arm around Charlotte’s shoulders and tipped her head to her daughter’s. ‘Just tell me all about it.’
So Charlotte breathed in her mum’s comforting scent and spoke about the nightmares of the last few weeks. About the blood tests and the results. The options. The choices. The ovaries and the boobs and babies. About Carol. About Ben’s reaction and the fight. And about the wedding she thought might never happen.
Once she’d finished she felt lighter. Still burdened by all the decisions and the worry, but relieved to have shared it all. Finally.
Eileen’s eyes shone with tears but she flicked them away with her fingers. ‘Right then. Well, we’ll deal with things in order. First thing Monday morning, we’ll phone Dr Carter and make an appointment for after your honeymoon. To chat. We need facts, not guesses. Then we’ll know exactly what we’re looking at. How much time you have to fit in everything you want to do before you have to have the op.’
‘Ben says I should have it tomorrow.’
‘You can’t blame him for loving you and wanting to keep you healthy.’
‘I know, but what about kids? I don’t want adoption to be our only option.’
‘Oh, you know… it’s not so bad. You’re not so bad.’ There was a light in Eileen’s eyes. Maybe it was a reflection from the street light. Maybe it was just a symbol of a mother’s love.
Charlotte nudged her, a small smile forming in her chest. ‘Watch it.’
‘After we spent so long trying for a baby of our own, you were like a miracle. You saved us.’
Charlotte thought about Carol and the uncles who wouldn’t want to know her, and the difficult, dysfunctional family she could have ended up in. And no, Carol wasn’t bad, not at all… but she hadn’t had what it took to bring a baby up. She wasn’t, after all, Charlotte’s mum. Whereas Eileen and John had given her everything. She owed them everything. Eileen had paid for the breast consultant, she’d been at the lump appointments. Hell, she’d been nothing but supportive of her daughter her whole life and Charlotte had repaid her with secrets and mistrust, trying to find someone who would love her better than Eileen did. And, truth was, no one ever could.
What kind of a woman did Charlotte want to be? One just like Eileen. Loyal. Determined. Loving. She had a long way to go, but she was determined to start now. Start over. ‘You know, it really was the other way round. You saved me.’
‘I know we’ve had some difficulties, but I hope you don’t doubt… don’t ever doubt me, Charlotte. I chose to love you, yes. But that grew and grew until it wasn’t a choice at all. It was a fact. An immutable fact, as unconditional as the sun coming up every morning. It just grows and it sticks.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Honesty was the best policy, she knew that now. ‘I thought… this is going to sound silly, but I believed you might want to give me back. You know, if I mucked up. If I was too much trouble, or pissed you off. Pardon the language.’
‘Really? Oh my goodness. No. Never. Never, ever did that cross my mind. I love you, more than anything.’ Her mum’s hand was warm as it squeezed Charlotte’s. ‘And there may be a baby, or babies, out there who need saving too. Who you could choose to love. Perhaps you could think about that for a while before you make a decision.’
‘Is it really very selfish that I want to have the same DNA as someone else? Mind you, mine’s got a little crinkle in it, hasn’t it?’
Eileen smiled. ‘No one’s perfect… although you’re pretty damned close. Do you want some advice from an old lady?’
‘You’re not that old. Please note, you were the only one who ended the evening on the arm of an attractive gentleman. But yes. Yes, advice please.’
‘Make things up with Ben. Have your wedding. Go on honeymoon. Take time out from all of this doom and gloom and decision-making – nothing’s so urgent that you have to decide your whole future right now. Today. Tomorrow. Or even next week. Enjoy being just the two of you, healthy and happy together. And then, when you come back, talk to Dr Carter again.’
‘I’m not sure it’s going to be that easy.’ She thought about the way Ben had looked at her just before he’d walked away and her heart contracted. In her panic she’d demanded so much from him. Maybe it was too late.
‘Why ever not?’
‘Because I’m not sure he wants me after all this.’
Eileen pinged Charlotte’s pink, fluffy wings. ‘How could he possibly not want you?’
So many reasons. ‘We want different things.’
‘Rubbish. You want the same things, just on a slightly different timeline. But one thing I’ve learned over the years, Charlotte, is that timing’s rarely perfect. And it certainly doesn’t trump love.’
This cancer gene was going to take away the future as she knew it. It was, possibly, going to take away her chance of motherhood. It had already sapped her joy and pushed itself between her and those closest to her. She wasn’t going to let it take her away from Ben. ‘I need to see him. I need to talk to him, Mum. Would it be really bad if I snuck out of here in the morning and went to Dublin?’
‘I think there’s no limit to what you can do if you really love someone. And if that means sneaking out of a hen weekend in Amsterdam, then so be it.’
It had been another night with barely any sleep, but at least it meant she’d got her speech to Ben rehearsed, and she was awake before the alarm clock. Okay, she was digging deep for positives. There’d been no seats on the first flight out, but she’d managed to secure one for the second.
Now there was just the matter of tiptoeing off the houseboat without waking everyone up. Charlotte slipped out of bed and, as quietly as she could, dressed and packed.
Lissa had had her back to Charlotte all night and had snored loudly for a lot of it, but she was in a quiet sleep cycle now. Charlotte blew her a kiss, promising to make things better between them as soon as she’d seen Ben.
But as she was pulling the door closed behind her she heard, ‘Good luck. But you won’t need it. He’d be a bloody idiot to let you go.’
That woman. ‘You know where I’m going?’
‘Sure. I can read you like a book. Tell him, if he doesn’t play ball, he’ll have me to deal with.’
Charlotte imagined how that scenario would play out. And Ben would definitely be on the losing side. She smiled at her best friend for ever. ‘I love you too.’
There was a warm glow in the air as Charlotte trundled her case up to the footpath. There wasn’t much time before check-in closed so she put a spurt in her step, head down. She was going to Dublin to thrash this out with him. She was going to make this work. She was going to fight for her life, for her man, for her marriage.
She felt rather than heard the person behind her, closer and closer. A hitch in breath sounds.
Weird. That was all she needed… mugged or worse in the early Amsterdam hours. Dumped in a canal. She upped her pace.
The footsteps behind her sped up too.
She daren’t look back; that would slow her down and show her fear. Up ahead there was a family on bicycles, coming towards her. Thank God.
‘Hey!’ A voice behind her. ‘Where’s the fire?’
The soothing tones of an Irish-London accent.
No. She was imagining it. Lissa said she always made such a drama out of things, this was just another one.
‘Charl. Slow down. Stop. For God’s sake.’
‘Ben?’ Here in Amsterdam? What the hell? She whirled round and there he was… standing in front of her, panting slightly. Sweaty. Tired. Post-stag night weary. Beautiful. ‘What are you doing here?’
Beautiful, but he didn’t whirl her in his arms or give her one of his earth-shattering kisses. He jerked a shoulder. Unsure. ‘Your mum rang me in the middle of the night. She said you were all over the place, that you and Lissa had a fight. That everyone knows about everything. Sounds intense.’
He’d come to her. The rehearsed words fled and she was left with an ache in her chest and a mouth filled with shapes but no sounds. He’d come to her. Even though she’d been the one rushing things, pushing things. Being scared and lashing out.
Eventually she managed, ‘Yeah. Not the best hen weekend in the world. How was Dublin?’
‘Ach, you know.’ He stuffed his hands in his pockets. ‘Not the same without you.’
Which was all lovely and everything but she had to do what she had to do. ‘I’ve been thinking. And talking. And thinking. And while I’d absolutely love to marry you next week, Ben, I’ve come to the conclusion that you’d be a lot better off without me. No drama. No dodgy genes. Boobs.’ She pointed at hers, the ones he loved, that they’d both miss, she was sure of it.
He nodded, eyebrows rising. Shrugged. ‘Okay, right you are. If that’s what you want. Your call.’ Then he swivelled on his heels and turned away.
What? ‘That’s it?’ she called to his retreating back. ‘Just like that? You walk away. Again? We don’t get to talk about this?’
He stopped. Turned around. Didn’t make any movement back towards her. His hands fanned out to his sides. ‘You’ve decided, though.’
She frowned, dropped her case and marched towards him, ignoring the stares of the bicycling family. He’d come to finish it. Of course. He was too much of a man to break it off by text or on the phone. The ache in her chest intensified as she thought about facing a future without him. And, in that moment, she knew she’d do anything to keep him. Even give up her dream of having babies. Because she didn’t have a future if she wasn’t with Benjamin Niall Murphy. He was her future. ‘I thought we made decisions together, Ben? I thought—’
‘We were a team?’
‘Yes. A team.’ She thought of their house, and The Plan, and her studio, and the promises they’d made. She thought of marshmallows and salt and vinegar crisps. Of all the things they’d done together. The life they’d shared. Then of the last few weeks when she’d tangented off without him. ‘I love you, Ben. I made some mistakes. I’m sorry.’
‘I know you are. I know you had a rough time. I know you were confused. We were confused.’
‘Yes. And I should have included you in everything.’ Tears pricked her eyes. She’d lost him and it hurt so much.
‘And I should have understood why you didn’t. But I can’t let you die. I just can’t… do you understand?’
Her heart felt like it was about to stop. Or go into some crazy rhythm that would kill her anyway. ‘Oh, Ben.’
He looked at her, then, his face open and scared. Faithful. Honest. ‘If you were me, what would you choose?’
She imagined having to face the thought of him dying. Which she did every day because of his job. How much easier it was to just breathe when she knew he was safe, when he was in her life for one more day. And she understood. ‘You. I’d choose you.’
His lips pressed together and his eyes fluttered closed, just for a second. Then he nodded. ‘Okay. Let’s work it through. Bit by bit. Let’s do it together, as a team.’
Relief flooded through her. ‘You were walking away.’
He smiled, warily. ‘I was letting you have that bit of drama you love so much.’
She swatted his arm, but then grabbed it and pulled him to her. ‘Pig. You nearly gave me a heart attack.’
He nuzzled his nose against hers. ‘Yeah. I know. I’m sorry. That’s the very last bit of drama I want between us. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
Pressing a kiss onto her forehead he smiled. There were tears swimming in his eyes and that made the ache in her chest almost explode. ‘You get one life, Charlotte, and no one knows how long or how short it’s going to be. Not you, not me, not anyone. But with this genetic analysis, you get a chance, you see? You get a chance to do everything you want to do and to defy nature. To live longer and better, and fulfil all that wonderful potential. And sure, we can make plans ad infinitum, but they don’t have to rule our every move. And if they’re our plans, we can change them, right?’
He’d thought about it. Taken onboard what she’d said and was prepared to be flexible, for her. Could she love him any more? ‘Right.’
‘So let’s do what makes us happy, okay? Personally, I have to admit, sex with you makes me very happy… So let’s get lots of practice… and we can work through timing and making babies, if that’s possible.’
Her hand went to his chest. ‘We should get a more expert opinion first.’
His eyes glittered. ‘Trust me, when it comes to sex, I know what I’m doing. I am the expert.’
She couldn’t help laughing. Because he was dead right there. ‘I wasn’t talking about sex. I was talking about the gene and the surgery and everything.’
He grinned. ‘Of course. We’ll listen to what they have to say and then we’ll choose what works for us.’
Us. She hadn’t been sure she was going to hear that word, feel that word, again. She was so glad she could. ‘I thought you were going to walk away again.’
‘Never. I’m going to stick by your side for the rest of your life. In fact, I’m going to be a devil to get rid of.’
Just before she kissed him she whispered, ‘That, Mr Murphy, would be no hardship at all.’