n i n e t e e n
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”
—F. Scott Fitzgerald
Finals are over. It’s the last day of school before winter break.
I’m happy to finally end this semester. Antonia and Sam have moved on with their own lives. I see her walking with Heather in the halls. Even though they don’t hold hands in public, I’m sure they’re still dating. And I hear Sam’s name announced over the speaker practically every other week because he’s been winning all these debate tournaments. I want to be a trifecta again, but I don’t really know what to say to them.
Too much time has passed. It’s too late.
Zach and I are still talking, but he’s already left on vacation with his parents. They’re taking him skiing for the break. We’ve finally come up with a plan to get my dad to let me go out with him. Zach and his father are going to come to a big fund-raising gala that Mom and Dad are hosting at the house after the New Year. Then I’ll give a speech to Rich about how Zach and I seen together as a couple could provide positive press for the campaign. He’s got a squeaky clean image.
I’ve just gotten out of my AP art history final and I’m returning some textbooks at the library when Sam walks by me. My heart skips a beat until I see that he’s with Nina, a petite Indian girl wearing a trendy purple cable-knit sweater over dark gray leggings. They’re both laughing about something. They look so happy.
“Hey, Sam,” I say hesitantly. “How are you?”
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I really miss him. It’s not like I haven’t wanted to talk to him for all this time. I just didn’t know what to say. I feel like I totally failed him. That maybe not being part of his life is the best gift I could give.
“Hi, Liv,” he says, lacing his fingers through Nina’s. “What’s going on?”
Nina looks me up and down like I’m a spider that needs squashing.
I mean nothing to her. Sam has probably told her how awful of a friend I am.
This was a terrible idea. I never should have said anything.
“Are you okay?” Sam asks. “You look like you’re not feeling well.”
I can’t say anything. I think I’m having a panic attack. I literally have no voice. My skin begins to buzz with anxiety. Darkness wraps around me like vines twisting and contorting out of control, threatening to take over my whole body. I don’t deserve to be alive.
I rush out of the library, hoping Mom’s waiting in the parking lot to take me home. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and stay under the blankets for forever.
I can feel someone walking close behind me so I speed up. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. Then I feel a tug on my shoulder, stopping me in the middle of the path.
“It’s been way too long,” Jackson says, leaning over me.
“Yeah,” I say, feeling nauseous. “I guess so.”
His closeness reminds me of the night in his car. My stomach cramps a little when I think of how his fingers ran all over my body. Why did I ever agree to go with him?
He’s the absolute last person I want to talk to right now.
“I hear you and Zach are getting pretty serious.”
I don’t really know how to respond. What’s he getting at?
“Do you need something, Jackson?”
“Do I have to need something to talk to you?” He zips up his leather jacket so that the collar covers his neck. “Zach’s my best friend. If you’re not serious, don’t lead him on.”
I’m almost positive he hasn’t told Zach about that night in his car, but I can’t be sure.
“You have nothing to worry about. I’d say I’m pretty into Zach,” I say, turning away from him, but he grabs my hand. “My mom is picking me up. I’m going to be late.”
I’m at a frequency I can’t control. There’s nothing I can control. Antonia and Sam both hate my guts. Finals grades will be posted next week, and I know I didn’t do well. My family’s demands are getting crazy. But my worst fear, the one that gnaws at me, is that Zach will find out about me making out with his best friend because I’m a stupid girl who can’t deal with not getting enough attention. My stomach muscles are cramping up, and I feel this emptiness deep down within my body that tells me I need to get out of here right now.
“Didn’t feel that way when you were making out with me in my car,” Jackson says. “You seemed pretty into it.”
“I have to go,” I say, wrestling my arm away from him. “Merry Christmas.”
When Mom picks me up, I’m in such a terrible mood that I barely talk to her. I’m supposed to go with her and Dad to a holiday party for her literacy organization tonight, but I pretend to be sick so I can stay at home.
Even though Zach’s still interested in me, I feel like nothing I do will make the loneliness and emptiness go away. It feels like I’m drowning while everyone around me is still breathing. They’re happy and having fun, and no matter how hard I try I can’t make myself feel anything except numbness or shame.
I wait until they leave for the party before I go downstairs and tear through the cabinets. I grab a jar of peanut butter, a huge container of leftover chicken alfredo, a half-eaten bag of chips and three brownies from a pan sitting on the stove and take them all up to my bedroom. I eat as fast I can, shoveling the food into my mouth so fast that I can barely breathe between bites. The faster I swallow, the more my throat hurts.
Each bite makes me want to puke, but I can’t stop. I don’t deserve to be talking to Zach. I don’t deserve to have friends. This is what I deserve.