“Drink, ma’am?”

The flight attendant stopped by the seat where Camry and I were sitting, giving us both a polished, perfect smile as she waited for us to answer.

Camry said, “Water, please.”

“And would you like a snack?”

The younger woman nodded. I declined the snack, but asked for a glass of wine, glancing at Camry as the attendant moved away.

“Is it okay I did that? I should have asked first, but I don’t do too well on planes.”

“It’s fine.” Camry gave me a tired smile. “I’ll be around all sorts of people who drink. Maybe drugs too. I’ll do my best to avoid those people, but college isn’t exactly a convent. I can’t control what other people do. I can control myself.”

She said the last two sentences like a mantra, but she also looked confident, like she believed them instead of simply reciting them. That was an improvement over how she’d been even just a couple of months ago.

“You’ll be fine. Plenty of time to get settled in before the second semester begins.” Covering her hand with mine, I squeezed it lightly. I was still more skeptical than Piety when it came to Camry’s sobriety, but even I’d been able to see how hard she was trying to make amends and stay clean.

“Thanks. Your support means a lot, Astra.” She started to say something else, stopped, then continued, her accent thickening as she twisted her fingers together. “I have a favor to ask.”

“What’s that?” I asked warily.

“If I screw up, I need you to make sure my brother and Piety don’t bail me out.”

I blinked. Not what I was expecting.

“I need someone who’ll tell them to let me go to jail or back into rehab, no matter how much I beg. I’ll try to be strong, but I can’t promise that, if I mess up, I won’t try to talk them out of sending me away. I need you to make sure that they don’t give in.”

I studied her for a moment. She was tiny, and with her light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, she looked more like a teenager than an adult...until you saw her eyes. They made her look twice my age instead of two years younger. She didn’t necessarily scream ex-junkie, but she seemed to understand that no matter how different she looked, the temptation wouldn’t go away.

“I’ll do it,” I said finally. “I would’ve done it anyway, but the fact that you asked makes me trust you more.”

Before Camry could respond, the flight attendant returned with our drinks. After she’d moved on to check with the others in first class, the younger girl gave me a wide-eyed look.

“They give you one in first class before they even take off?”

“They better.” Rolling my eyes, I lifted the glass to my lips and took a long drink before continuing, “They charge a ridiculous amount for these tickets.”

Camry laughed and wiggled her butt in the seat. “Well, you also get these big, comfy seats where you can actually move. Being rich has got to be so awesome.”

I didn’t offer any sort of answer. What was there to say?

I loved being able to go shopping whenever I wanted, and it didn’t hurt that I had all this wiggle room sitting in first class. Being able to buy that cute Coach bag I’d seen while we were killing time thanks to a flight delay wasn’t anything to sneeze at either.

But there were things money couldn’t buy.

I’d heard Kaleb and Camry talking about vacations they’d taken with their parents before the car accident left the pair orphans. Simple enough affairs that would probably have made me break out in hives, like camping. For real camping. Tents and everything. I was a city girl through and through. But having my mom and dad spend that kind of time with me?

And Camry’s dad had taught her how to swim. Himself. She hadn’t had a private instructor come to her home and do it in their personal Olympic-sized pool while her parents were off doing God knew what. I thought about Jamie and her miserable parents. They hadn’t been rich, but they hadn’t exactly been poor, either. And they hadn’t given that girl any love at all. There were more important things in life than money, and Camry had made bank in at least one of those areas. A part of me couldn’t help but wonder if that had played a role in the fact that Camry was here and Jamie wasn’t.

I gave myself a mental shake.

“So, have you decided what you want to major in?” I asked, keenly aware of the insightful look she was giving me. She had a way of seeing straight through people, and I had no doubt she’d been putting that skill to work on me just then.

“I want to do what you and Piety are doing.” She gave me a sheepish shrug. “Piety…well, Kaleb knew I was in trouble, but Piety…she had a way of making me realize that I either needed to fix myself or…” Her words trailed off as she glanced past me to study her brother and Piety, talking quietly on the other side of the aisle. After another moment of hesitation, she finished, “It was time I either fixed myself or killed myself. She didn’t say that. She didn’t make me feel like that. But she made me see that I’d been doing that anyway, killing myself. If I was going to do it, why be slow? Why drag it out? I just needed to decide I wanted to die…or if I was ready to live.”

Misery burned inside, reminding again of Jamie. For the cries of help the young girl had thrown out, only to have them go unheard. She’d decided she wanted to die, had seen no other way out. I’d cared, and I hadn’t seen how close to the edge she’d been. I should have. Otherwise, what the hell was I doing?

Camry sighed, shaking her head. “I sound kind of pitiful, don’t I?”

“No,” I quickly cut in before she could start feeling any guiltier. “You sound like somebody who understands where she’s come from and accepted that she needs help.”

Any further conversation was halted by a man’s voice coming on the intercom, and Camry and I both settled back for the tedious in-flight announcements. Taking my wine, I lifted it to my lips and settled more comfortably in my seat. I had a long flight ahead and some thoughts to think.

* * *

“You’re quiet.”

Piety’s voice caught me off-guard. Jumping, I looked over at her. “When did you sit down?”

She grinned at me. “Camry wanted to talk to Kaleb. She gets nervous flying, I think.”

“That’s because she’s smart. We’re hurtling thousands of feet over the earth at hundreds of miles an hour. Who wouldn’t be nervous?” I reached for my wine, only to remember I’d already emptied it. Dammit.

“I’m not.” Piety shrugged. “Fewer people die from plane crashes than car crashes.”

“I bet there are fewer people flying than driving, so that makes sense.” Rolling my eyes, I pushed the button for the flight attendant. Now, Piety had me thinking about planes and crashes. My pulse ratcheted up a notch.

“You’re such a mess.” She sighed and settled back as the flight attendant came to a stop next to us.

Once the attendant left to get my wine, Piety looked over at me. “Are you sure about this move? I mean, I know you’re hurting over Jamie, but this is a big change, even for you.”

“That’s the point.” I lifted a shoulder. “I need a change. Desperately.”

Her eyes softened. “I understand, but this? Malibu is so far from Philadelphia. What about your kids?”

“They need somebody better.” Shaking my head, I looked out the window. Jamie had needed somebody better. Maybe if she’d had someone else to talk to, she wouldn’t have done what she did. Maybe she’d be alive right now, trying to decide what to do about her baby.

Piety put her hand on my arm. “You’re punishing yourself because she committed suicide, but that wasn’t your fault. Blame her parents. Blame the jackass who got her pregnant but didn’t offer her any support.”

Sighing, I closed my eyes, wishing I could believe her words.

“What if you’re miserable out here? Then what?”

“Right. I’ll be miserable in Malibu.” I sniffed and looked over at her. “I hate the cold. I hate winter. I hate snow. Please tell me why I wouldn’t love Malibu for the weather alone.”

“You love your kids,” she said quietly. “We both know that even if you’d gotten bored at the shelter, you would’ve kept in touch with them. And you love your parents, even if they can be idiots sometimes. You had friends at work.”

“I’ll have you,” I countered. “You and Kaleb and Camry. And I’ll still keep in touch with the kids and people from work. Social media’s a great thing.” I swallowed hard. “I’ll find other things to love. I need to find something else. Even thinking about walking into the shelter right now hurts. Staying, it would’ve destroyed me.” I made myself look at her. I didn’t like revealing any sort of weakness, not even to my best friend.

But we didn’t hide things from each other. She knew that, despite my habit of moving from one thing to another, the thought of moving across the country was a daunting one.

She watched me for a few more moments, then nodded slowly. “Okay. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reason, Astra. You’re hurting over Jamie, and like I said, I understand that. But you have to accept that it’s not your fault. Learn to deal with that guilt, and with the hurt. You can’t outrun it.”

She smiled at me and then took the edge of the over-large sweater I’d been using as a blanket and tugged on it. It’d been my grandmother’s, and she was closer to Piety’s height than mine, which meant it was huge on me. It had been my comfort object since she’d died six years ago.

Piety tugged again. “Come on. I’m tired.”

I glared at her. “You’re using my sweater as a blanket.”

“That’s what friends do.”

“Brat,” I muttered even as I snuggled in a little closer so it could cover both of us. Sighing, I closed my eyes but couldn’t sleep. Her words kept echoing in my head.

I needed to do this for the right reasons. I knew I was trying to outrun the pain, distract myself from the guilt, but who knew if those were the right reasons? I didn’t. I had no idea what the right reasons were.

Camry was moving for college. Kaleb was moving to be closer to his sister, and so he could finally follow the dream he’d put on hold to rescue his sister. Piety was going because it was what her husband needed. Who was to say that my reasons were any less right than theirs? We were all trying to make fresh starts.

But even as I tried to argue my way around it, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I wasn’t looking for a fresh start, but rather a place to hide.