All I Want
I pick up the hoodie and ball it up as Ben puts him in the back of the car. He shuts the door, slowly lifting his head, and I ready myself for the fucking lecture I know I’m about to get.
“What the fuck?”
I move to the driver’s side door, avoiding his stare. “Like you haven’t done the same thing to assholes like that, or worse.”
“Yeah, if they’re being combative. If they’re just running off at the mouth, we ignore it.”
I meet his stare over the top of the car. “What do you want me to say?”
He stretches his arms out on the roof, his hands interlocked together. “Maybe it would be a good idea if you skipped Reed’s party tonight.”
I set the hoodie on the roof, keeping a fist around it. “That’s a shit idea. Wherever Tessa is, I’m going.”
“She’s bringing a date, man, and the way you’ve been acting today, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see that. I’ll be fucking pissed if I have to arrest you, but I will if you start something.”
The tension in my body settles at the base of my neck. Reaching back, I rub out the knot that’s forming. “You know, there was a time last year when Mia wanted nothing to do with you. But she was yours, and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do about that.” He nods once, leaning back a little. “You think it’s any different for me? You think just because I don’t make a fucking announcement at Rocky Point that Tessa isn’t mine? Maybe I’m not as honest about my feelings as you always were with Mia, but that doesn’t change the fact that being around your sister makes it hard for me to fucking breathe.” I open the driver’s side door and toss the sweatshirt on the seat. “I’m going tonight. I don’t give a shit if it’s a good idea or not, and you know damn well if this was last summer, and it was something involving Mia, nothing would’ve stopped you from going.” I lift my eyes to him just in time to catch the smirk twist across his mouth. “What?” I ask, one hand gripping the door while the other flattens on the roof.
He laughs before opening his car door. “Now I really don’t think you should go.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know exactly what I would’ve done last summer, and it would’ve been you pulling me off whoever Mia showed up with.” A look of understanding passes between us before he seems to realize how pointless this lecture is. He runs a hand down his face. “You know this is your own damn fault, right?” He waits until I look up before he continues. “Either let her in or let her go. This in-between shit isn’t fair to her.”
He gets into the car while I stare blankly across the roof. The tension that had settled at the base of my neck is now coiling between my shoulder blades, tightening into an unforgiving knot. My muscles begin to feel stressed as I think about how tonight is going to play out. I don’t handle jealousy well, and I know my first reaction to seeing Tessa with another guy is going to be me tearing her away from him. Maybe I can try something different; give her some piece of me to distract her from grinding salt into the wound in the center of my chest. Show her how fucking good this is, how good it always used to be before she decided it wasn’t enough.
Let her in or let her go.
Neither one of those options work for me. So this has to.
***
We drop the mouthy prick off at the detention center before heading to the precinct to finish up some paperwork. I drop my ticket book on my desk and catch the blinking light on my phone, indicating a voice message.
“You want some coffee?” Ben asks as I take a seat.
I look up at him after entering the voicemail code. “Yeah, thanks.” Leaning back in the chair, I press the receiver to my ear and wait for the message to begin playing.
“Evans, this is Captain Kennedy. I spoke with Meyers the other day and he told me he offered the detective position to you I have available. Just wanted to see where your head is at in all this. I’m hoping to get a decision out of you soon, otherwise I’m going to have to offer it to somebody else. I heard Jacobs is also interested. Call me when you get a minute.”
The message ends, and I grip the receiver harder.
Fuck. The job. I forgot all about it. Last week I was ready to leave Ruxton and every memory I have of it without hesitating. I don’t want to deal with my father’s shit anymore. Who knows if he’ll even take the doctor’s advice and seek help to sober up? Failing liver or not, he loves his drink, and like he said, it’s the only thing that helps take his mind off my mom. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not bailing him out anymore, and if he gets arrested for anything, I’m letting it happen. But I know that won’t stop the phone calls from coming.
And Tessa, that’s a whole other issue. I’ve let go of all the anger I had last week that made this decision easy. The anger that had me wanting to put more distance in between us, because being in the same town wasn’t doing me any good. But now I no longer feel anything besides the one emotion she’s always evoked from me, and I don’t need to ask myself if I could leave Tessa, because I already know the answer to that.
A beep rings through the phone, leading me to the next message.
“Yeah, it’s me.” My dad clears his throat, masking the incessant beeping of the machine he’s hooked up to. I can’t remember the last time he called me, and I don’t think he’s ever called my direct line at work before. I didn’t even know he had that number.