All I Want

“I just wanted to tell ya I’m thinking of putting the house up for sale. I need the money. This shit isn’t cheap, and…”

I delete the rest of the message before slamming the phone down.

Un-fucking-believable.

He’s out of money. That asshole has already burned through my mom’s life insurance policy with his habit. Why else would he need to sell the house? I never knew how much money he got from her death. I never saw any of it, but it seemed to be enough to keep him from working. Not that he’d be able to hold a steady job, being intoxicated twenty-four hours a day. But now that money must be gone. All of it, and he’s going to sell the biggest memory I have of her to keep up with his habit.

I guess he’s made his decision. Not even a death wish will stop him from drinking.

“What’s up?”

I raise my head to Ben’s voice before leaning back in my chair. He places the paper cup down in front of me and walks behind his desk.

“Nothing,” I reply after taking a sip, letting my eyes lose focus amongst the papers in front of me. Several minutes of silence pass between us before Ben begins typing on his keyboard. I pull the coin out of my front pocket and begin turning it over in my hand, studying the words on the one side.

The typing stops, then more silence, before he speaks. “How long is he going to be in the hospital for?”

“The doctor told me just a few days. They are waiting for some tests results to come back before they release him.” I run my thumb along the triangle in the center of the coin. “Like anything else is going to make a difference.”

“What do you mean?”

I nod toward the phone on my desk. “He’s made up his mind. He told me yesterday in the hospital that he can’t stop drinking, and now he just told me he’s going to sell his house ’cause he’s out of money. Can you believe that?” I look over at Ben, propping my ankle up on my knee. “That asshole is actually going to sell the house he shared with my mom, just so he can pay for his booze.”

“He’s not worried he could die if he keeps it up?”

“You kidding? He thinks it’s funny.”

Ben shakes his head before tipping back his paper cup. He swallows before continuing. “I’m sorry, man. At least if you take that job, you won’t have to be around to watch him kill himself.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to take it.” I watch as he sets the cup down on his desk and turns his body completely toward me, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “What?” I ask at the sudden undivided attention.

He tilts his head. “You wanna know what I think you should do?”

“I don’t know why you’re asking me, ’cause you’re going to tell me anyway.”

His face hardens. “Fuck you. I was going to say I don’t think you should go.”

The coin goes still in my hand. “What?”

“You heard me. You’ve got too much shit here, Luke. I know you try and act like you don’t care about your dad, but you obviously do. You’ve always gone to the bar to stop him from drinking, or wherever the hell he is when someone calls you. He’s your dad. He may be the worst one on the fucking planet, but he wasn’t always like that.”

“He’s not the reason why I wouldn’t take it.”

“Yeah, and then there’s that,” Ben replies, leaning back and grabbing his cup. He looks down at the contents, a loud exhale escaping him before he continues. “You two have a lot of shit you need to work out. I’ve told you how I felt about it, so I’m not going to sit here and lecture you. But if you left…” He seems pained as his eyes slowly lift to mine. “I can handle my sister being sad over you, but I don’t want to see what that would do to her.”

I feel my hand slowly tighten around the coin.

I don’t want to see what that would do to me.

“Plus,” he continues, dropping the serious tone and replacing it with the one I’m used to hearing as he looks past me, “I’d prefer to keep my partner. He’s an asshole, but at least I’m not stuck with Jacobs.”

I swivel my chair to see CJ walking into the precinct, his dickhead partner trailing behind him. CJ looks how you’d expect a person to look if they were stuck in a car all day with Jacobs. Irritated and spent. Ben laughs quietly behind me as CJ nods in our direction, while Jacobs can’t seem to decide whom he wants to give a dirtier look to, Ben or myself. I prop my feet up on the corner of my desk and scratch my cheek with my middle finger.

“Dick,” Jacobs addresses me as he walks in front of the desks.

I almost forget what smiling feels like until my lips twitch in the corner.

It’s a good feeling, and after Tessa leaves with me tonight, I’ll be doing more of it.

***

I’d gotten to McGill’s early, beating everyone and claiming a stool at the bar. I know what it feels like seeing Tessa with another guy, and the effects are already beginning to set in as I pick at the label on the beer I’ve been nursing for the past half hour. I’m trying to stay somewhat calm, but my eyes are glued to the door and every time it swings open, the air in my lungs gets stolen from me. As another group of women step inside, I pinch my eyes shut and reclaim my breath.

Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down, Evans.

“You want another beer?”

My eyes flash open and connect with the bartender. I lift my nearly empty bottle and nod. “Yeah, thanks.”