All I Want

He focuses on me through heavy eyelids, then the excitement pours out of him as he shoves the door open all the way, stabbing it with his sword.

“Uncle Wuke! Check this out!” He produces a small airplane from the pocket of his dragon-covered pajamas and soars it above his head. “I got to climb on one of these with Daddy. It was so cool, Uncle Wuke! Mommy didn’t want me to because she said I could get hurwt, but…” He looks behind him back into the house, then steps closer to me. “But Daddy let me do it, and I didn’t get hurwt. Don’t tell Mommy, okay?” he whispers, bringing me down to his level. His eyebrows pinch together as he studies the airplane in his hand. “My dwagon keeps trying to eat this.”

I muffle my laugh, reaching up and rubbing a hand over his wild hair. “Listen, Nolan, I’m not going to be around too much anymore. But you’re going to be a really awesome big brother, you know that?”

He drops his hand down to his side, plane in one hand and sword in the other, as his big gray eyes study me. “Arwe you going to fight bad guys?”

I nod. “Yeah. I’m going to go fight bad guys. But I need you to do me a favor, okay? Can you do something for me?”

He bobs his head up and down, eagerly.

“Your Aunt Tessa might be a little sad when I’m gone. Do you think you could give her a lot of hugs for me?”

Nolan’s mouth turns up into a crooked grin. “I wike hugging Aunt Tessa. She smells like stawberries.” He puts his hand up to the side of his mouth and leans close to my ear. “And she lets me have cookies when Mommy says I can’t have any.”

“Nolan, what…” Mia enters the doorway, dropping the frown on her face when she sees the two of us. “Oh, hey, Luke.”

“Hey,” I say through my laugh.

She puts her hand on her hip and looks down at Nolan. “What did your daddy and I tell you about answering the door without us?”

Nolan turns around to face her, and I straighten up. “But it was Uncle Wuke.”

“Did you know it was Uncle Luke before you opened the door?”

He shakes his head, then drops it with a sigh. “No.”

She waves him toward her. “Come on. You should already be asleep by now. It’s way past your bedtime.”

Nolan steps into the house, but turns around before he gets too far. He wraps a hand around Mia’s leg and looks up at me. “Uncle Wuke, do you want my dwagon? He could help you with the bad guys.”

I force a smile through the pain I’m feeling, noticing the peculiar look on Mia’s face before shaking my head. “No, that’s okay, buddy.”

He raises the hand holding the airplane and rubs his knuckle against his eye. “But he keeps eating my airwplane.”

Mia places her hand on his shoulder, gently directing him in the direction she wants him to go while I drop my head, laughing under my breath.

“Sorry,” she says, smiling as I look up at her. She steps aside and holds the door open. “Are you going to come in?”

“No, I just wanted to talk to Ben real quick. Can you send him out?”

She pinches her lips together, but gives me a tentative nod. “Yeah. He was just getting out of the shower. Let me grab him.”

I don’t say goodbye to Mia, because I don’t want her getting too worked up right now. Ben says she’s extra sensitive about stuff with the pregnancy, and the last thing I want is to upset her.

I lean against the side of my truck, sticking my hands into my pockets and staring at the dirt. Ben walks out and gives me a nod as he pulls his T-shirt on.

“What’s up? Why do you have Max with you?” He walks up to the truck and pets Max’s head as it sticks out the window. He tilts his head, peering into the backseat. “All your shit’s in there. What the fuck, man?”

“I accepted that job,” I tell him, stepping back as he lets his hand fall to his side. I see the emotion wash over him like a wave, the kind that takes you under and lets you know just how fucking powerful it is.

“You what?” he asks sternly.

“I’m leaving tonight. Right now, actually. Captain Kennedy is letting me stay at his guest house until I can get something set up there.”

Hands fist my T-shirt, and before I know it, I’m being shoved up against my truck. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you tell her? Does she know?” he yells, and I let him. I don’t fight him off in any way.

“I’m doing this for her. I don’t want to leave her, you fucking know I don’t, but I can’t keep hurting her like this. She’ll understand eventually.”

He leans in close, gripping my shirt hard enough I think he’s about to shred it. I watch his nostrils flare with rage, and the whites of his eyes glaze over. After several breaths, he backs off with a final shove. He points at my face. “She’ll never understand this. You’re making a huge fucking mistake, and I think you know that. You’re just scared. You think all this stuff with your dad is going to push her away. That’s why you keep her out, and it’s bullshit. Tessa can handle anything.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know she loves you, and this shit you’re doing is going to kill her.”

I hold my arms out by my sides, as if my hand is being forced and this choice isn’t even mine, because that’s how it feels.

“It’s done, man. I’m leaving,” I say. “Don’t make this harder for me. You know I don’t want to do this.”