All I Want

He’s sober. He could stay that way, but there’s a greater chance he won’t.

Bottom line? I’m scared. I’m fucking scared she’ll be the one who pulls away.

The phone rings, startling me, and I grab it expecting Harding, since we’re on call twenty-four hours a day. Ben’s name flashes on my screen.

“Fuck!”

Max barks, jumping off the bed and darting down the hall to go hide in the bathroom. I hear the rustling of plastic, confirming he’s now in my shower, and let out a heavy sigh before I answer this call.

I bring the phone up to my ear as I try and make myself comfortable. It doesn’t work.

“She texted me, man. I swear to God, I wouldn’t…”

“Get your ass here, Godfather. Mia’s water just broke.”

“Sweetheart, do you want me to take him?”

My eyes blink open several times, adjusting to the fluorescent light of the waiting room at the sound of my dad’s voice. I lift my head from the tiny pocket of warmth Nolan’s sleeping body created against mine, and look up.

“What time is it?” I ask, stretching out my neck from side to side.

“A little after 2:00 a.m.” He reaches down and lifts Nolan into his arms, holding him against his chest.

“Ben hasn’t come out yet? Mia’s been in labor for like, five hours.” I look across the row of chairs, spotting my mom, fighting sleep with little drops of her head.

My dad sits down next to me, taking the stuffed dragon out of my hand and tucking it next to Nolan. “These things take a while sometimes. You kept your mother in labor for over twelve hours before you were ready.”

I drop my chin, giving him a teasing glare. “That number seems to get bigger every time I hear that story.” I cover my mouth to stifle my yawn as it breaks apart the end of my sentence.

“Why don’t you go back to sleep? I’ll wake you when someone comes out.” He slides down the seat a bit, letting Nolan rest more on his chest.

“No, I need to stay up in case Mia needs me. I really didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I stand from the chair, patting the pocket of my jeans to feel for my money. “I’m going to grab some coffee. Do you want some?”

My dad smiles with a light shake of his head. “No thanks, sweetheart.”

I walk around the corner to the row of vending machines, eyeing up my candy choices. If I am going to stay awake, I need caffeine and chocolate, preferably injected straight into my veins. I probably would’ve been fine if it wasn’t for Nolan falling asleep on me. That kid is just too damn snuggly for words.

I should know. He’s been attached to me for the past nineteen days, giving me hugs whenever he thinks I need them, which apparently, is every five minutes.

I do need them. I need them because Luke told him to give them to me, and in my warped mind, it’s his arms around me, not Nolan’s. It’s Luke who sees my pain and stops everything he’s doing to comfort me.

That’s the only thing getting me through each day. Knowing he cared enough to make sure I’d have someone.

I pop a peanut M&M into my mouth as I wait for my coffee to dispense out of the machine. As I’m walking back around the corner, holding onto the nearly overflowing cup with both hands, while my teeth secure the bag of candy between them, I spot Nolan, moving around on my dad’s lap, awake and alert. He looks over at me, wide-eyed, but gets distracted when my dad points at something, or someone, across the room. Nolan’s jaw hits the floor, and his feet quickly follow.

“Uncle Wuke!”

I gasp, releasing the bag from my tightly clenched jaw. M&M’S scatter along the tiled floor at my feet, rolling underneath the waiting room chairs. I glance up at my dad, then my mom, who is now standing and awake, looking at me with a deep frown. My eyes drop to Nolan just as he tilts his head almost completely upside-down to watch the candy roll about.

“Whoa! That’s awesome. Uncle Wuke! Look at all dis candy!”

I see someone. No, not someone. Him. I see him, out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t turn my head, or shift my gaze in his direction. I’m frozen in place, my body stiff. I can’t do anything besides look between the three members of my family. The ones who have seen me at my worst lately.

He’s here. He’s here. Luke. Oh, God. Breathe, Tessa. Just breathe. Don’t fucking pass out right now. Or puke. Jesus Christ, don’t puke.

He moves into my line of sight, which hasn’t wavered at all, and our eyes meet.

Briefly, but God, I feel it.

My body reacts as if he’s just reached into the ocean I’ve been drowning in and pulled me out.

This is what it feels like to have your heart beating the way it’s supposed to. I’ve been surviving on twitches, tiny spasms against my sternum, just enough to say, “You’re alive, Tessa. Barely alive.”

My dad steps forward, extending his hand with a smile. “Luke, nice to see you.”

“You too, Mr. Kelly.” Luke’s dark T-shirt stretches across the muscles in his back as he grips my father’s hand. My mouth goes dry, and I could quench it with the coffee that I’m miraculously still holding, but I need ice-cold, frigid water. Thrown on me, preferably. I swallow as the ink on his bicep moves with his muscle, some of the shadows becoming more evident, while others roll to the parts of his arm I can’t see from this angle.

Damn it. I want to see. All of him.

“Nolan, those are dirty. Don’t touch them,” my mom scolds, grabbing Nolan by his shoulders and moving him away from a pile of M&M’S that’s collected under a chair close by. She gives Luke a warm smile, devoid of any resentment.