All the Ugly and Wonderful Things

Under the edge of Sandy’s clothes, I saw Liam’s legs. He wore jeans with creases down the fronts, and shiny red, pointy-toed cowboy boots.

“I gotta go. Kellen’s waiting on me,” he said.

“Where are you going?” Sandy said.

“I told you. Business.”

“Yeah, but business or business?”

“Don’t get smart with me.” Liam shoved Sandy down on the edge of the bed. That was what happened if you got smart with him.

“Ow,” she said.

“I don’t need Kellen to help me take care of business.”

“Asshole.”

Liam grabbed her hair and pulled. He liked to pull hair, as much as Kellen liked to pet it.

“Come on, baby. Don’t be that way. Why don’t you do a little something for me before I go?”

“Maybe I don’t want to.”

He let go of her hair and put his hands on his belt.

“You don’t want to or you won’t? ’Cause maybe Dee will.”

Sandy sat there, squeezing her hands together on her lap. Then she slid off the bed onto her knees.

“That’s right, Sandy, baby. Why don’t you suck it the way I like?”

I knew what cocksucking was. I’d seen it before. In Kellen’s magazines. At a party. Once I saw Mama do it with a man I didn’t know. It made my stomach nervous, because the mouth was a dirty place. A dangerous place. A way for people to get into you. Not safe, and Liam wasn’t nice. He made Sandy gag and say, “Ow, don’t, Liam. I’m doing it the way you like.”

After he made her cry, Liam said nice things. He told Sandy how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. That’s what he always did after he hurt you. Then he pulled up his pants and left. I listened for the sound of the door closing, for him going down the hallway. I listened for Kellen, too, but he must have been outside already.

When I crawled out of the closet, Sandy was sitting on the bed, wiping her eyes. She looked up and said, “Oh, Jesus, honey. I forgot you were here. Did you—did you see that?”

I shrugged.

Sandy sniffled. “I guess you’re getting your education tonight. It’s not always like that. He’s good to me, but he gets in these moods.”

I knew about Liam’s moods.

“Oh, jeez. Stupid jerk got cum on my shirt.” Sandy pulled her shirt off and under it she wore a leopard print bra. She had big tits. Bigger than Mama’s and Dee’s together. Looking at myself in the mirror, I put my hands on my chest. I was starting to grow there, but my dress was too loose to see anything.

“It takes time, honey. They don’t grow overnight.” Sandy cupped her hands over her bra. “I didn’t always have these. I had to buy these. So I know a few tricks for how to make it look like you have more than you do. A lot of girls make the mistake of getting a big bra and padding it, but what you need to do is show off what you’ve got. Stay here, just a second.”

Sandy was like Donal. When he got hurt he only cried a little and then he was happy again. She went out of the room and came back with a blue T-shirt that looked like one of Donal’s. Out of the closet she pulled a fluttery blue skirt.

“Here, take off your dress. Your undershirt, too.”

I usually only took off my clothes to wash or swim. Now that I was growing, there was more of me to be naked, but Sandy was smiling, so I knew it was safe, like playing dress up with Leslie and Amy when I was little.

I put on the T-shirt that was too tight and the skirt that was too loose until Sandy cinched it up around my hips. I was going to turn around and look in the mirror, but Sandy said, “No, no, take off the shirt.”

Picking up a pair of scissors, she cut off the collar of Donal’s shirt and made the neck of it go into a V. When I put it back on, it was still tight, but it didn’t feel like it was choking me. Then Sandy let me look in the mirror.

“See?” she said. “You have cute little boobs. And this way guys can tell you have them. I’ll bet Kellen would like it if you wore that for him.”

Except for my hair, I didn’t recognize me. My eyes looked strange with the makeup on, more grown up. I looked older.

I knew Kellen loved me. He bought me a ring, and his bike was only for me, but Sandy was right. The women in his magazines had big tits like her, and it wasn’t just in the magazines. I’d seen how he looked at Sandy in her tight shorts and Dee when she went around the house in her nighty. He might look at me like that if I wore this.

“God, I don’t know about you, but I need a pick-me-up,” Sandy said. At least she didn’t make a mess with the crystal like Mama. She had a little spoon that went into the bottle and up her nose. “No, you better not. You’re definitely not old enough for this.”

6

KELLEN

I knew I ought to leave. For two hours, I’d been lying on Wavy’s bed, watching TV with her. The antennae could only pick up PBS, so we watched that Jimmy Stewart movie with the invisible rabbit. Then it went to something with singing and dancing. Maybe The Lawrence Welk Show, but it was hard to tell through the fuzz. It didn’t matter. The TV was just to say, “We’re watching TV,” when all we were doing was lying next to each other. Sometimes talking, mostly not.

It was foggy that night, not cold yet, but we’d seen the last of September. I really wanted another night in the meadow, but the only stars out were the ones on Wavy’s ceiling.

Downstairs, the night nurse was watching TV, too, and probably wondering when I was going home. I’d tried about half an hour before and that’s when Wavy showed me a crumpled up note from a boy in her Algebra class.