All the Ugly and Wonderful Things

“I’m sorry. I love you—”

Wavy slammed the door right in the middle of what I was trying to say. Maybe I hadn’t seen her in seven years, but I still understood her. She might as well have written LIAR on the dash of my truck.

Seeing her walk across the parking lot toward the library’s front doors, I knew it had to be over, but I couldn’t believe that was how it ended. I wanted to take back everything I’d said, more than I wanted anything else. Being with Wavy would mean going back to prison, because her aunt would find out eventually, but I wondered how long we could have together before I got caught. Long enough to make another four years bearable? Or just long enough to mess up her life again?

10

RENEE

I went to the library with the best intentions, but by the time I got there, the rain had stopped and the sun had come out. The sun and half-a-dozen shirtless college guys playing Frisbee in the grass by the library steps. Instead of going inside, I sat outside and read one of my sources for my essay.

That’s what I was doing when Wavy walked up. I let the book on my lap fall closed and lost my place.

“What happened?” I said.

“He finally fucked me.”

Finally. Finally? Wavy the chronic masturbator was a virgin? All along I assumed they’d done it, maybe a lot, before they got caught. I’d been so eager to see it as this beautiful romance, that I was willing to overlook Kellen having sex with little thirteen-year-old Wavy, but there she stood, freshly deflowered and looking devastated. Her eyes were red from crying, and she was holding her left arm across her body like it hurt. Her wrist looked swollen.

“Well, looks like he did a bang-up job of it,” I said to make her laugh, but her face was empty. “Why are you here? Where’s Kellen?”

“Gone. It’s over.” She used the heel of her right hand to wipe her eyes. I wished I could put my arm around her shoulders and make her feel safe. Seeing her that way was awful.

“Over? What do you mean it’s over? I know you love him, but what kind of asshole screws you and then dumps you? Fuck him. You don’t need him.” I stuffed my book into my bag and stood up to lead Wavy to my car.

I unlocked the passenger’s side first so Wavy could get in, but as I was walking around to the driver’s side, Kellen’s truck rolled to a stop behind my car and boxed it in. He got out of the cab and came around the end of it. Up close, he was a lot bigger than I expected. Not as fat, but taller and more muscular. Built like a bulldozer. Instead of the shaggy hair and the ’70s sideburns, he had a crew cut. That picture on Wavy’s nightstand had frozen him in my mind at my age, but he was at least thirty.

Over, my ass. Wavy jumped out of the car and ran to him. Hugging and kissing commenced. As much as I wanted to eavesdrop, I got in the car and settled for watching them in the rearview mirror.

Seeing them together as the sun went down and the stars came out, my heart did a little leap of joy. I wanted a fairy tale ending for Wavy, because if she could find happiness, there would be hope for me, too.

11

WAVY

Kellen’s hands were shaking, so I squeezed them harder in mine, to tell him it was okay. We hadn’t said anything, but he was there.

“The Evening Star.” That was the first thing he said. I looked up at it, felt him watching me. Not just watching me, but drinking me up. “You told me before, but I forgot. It’s not really a star, is it? It’s one of the planets, right?”

“Venus,” I said.

“Where I am there’s too much light from the city to see the stars. I want to go out and look at the stars with you. I missed that so much. I missed you.”

He kissed me before I could say, “Cassiopeia.”

When he let me breathe again, I said, “Come home with me. Renee and I have an apartment. Down in Norman.”

He closed his eyes, squeezed them tight.

“I can’t. It’s across state lines. I can’t leave the state without my parole officer’s say-so.”

I kissed him again, thinking we had time to sort that stuff out. We had all the time in the world, now that he was free. It turned out we had too much time. Only a few seconds for me to lift my hand, longing to remind him, to have him kiss my ring the way he used to. A few seconds more for Kellen’s eyes to go wet, for his lip to tremble. He didn’t kiss the ring. He let go of me and, from the way he leaned against the side of the truck, I knew he was having a hard time standing up. I leaned my head into his chest and held on. Held him up.

“Oh, goddamnit. I can’t be with you. If I break parole, they’ll send me back to do the rest of my sentence. If I could be with you after, I’d do those four years in a heartbeat. But I go back, and they’ll parole me with the same conditions.

“And it’s not just my parole. You know, I ruined my whole life. I’m gonna be on the sex offender registry for the next fifteen years. Have to put my conviction on every job application I fill out. Have to ask every landlord how far is the nearest school.”

“I was selfish to wish for you,” I said. All I’d ever thought about was how much I wanted him. Needed him. I never thought of what it would mean for him.

“You’re not selfish, but you’re better off without me. I made nothing but trouble for you.”

I shook my head against his chest.

“It’s true. You were too young and I messed things up for you. It’s like your aunt said, you weren’t even fourteen really when I raped you.”