Twelve Years Ago

I’VE HAD SEVEN long months to figure out a way to break the news to the two people who brought me into this world. Part of me would like to think they won’t be surprised, considering this sort of thing is expected from me since I’m not their all-star, perfect son. I’ve accepted it…in fact, I’ve run with it…until now. However, now I have to stop running and start thinking, really quickly.

Cammy leans across the row between our desks and hands me a note, interrupting my thoughts. I quickly take it and unfold it, reading:

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I wish she would relax and try not to worry. I want to tell her everything will be okay, but we’re sitting in the middle of history class. Mrs. Halifax hates me as it is, so if I start talking, she’ll ship me right down to the principal's office again, so I mouth, “It’s going to be okay,” to Cammy, hoping it holds her over until the end of class.

Cammy closes her eyes and leans back against her metal chair. Her auburn hair falls over the back side of the seat and she swallows loud enough for me to hear. “I can’t do this,” she says abruptly, out loud.

Every kid in the class looks over at her curiously—everyone including Mrs. Halifax.

Cammy struggles to stand up from her seat, using her hands to push her body upright. “Cam,” I mutter. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t do this, AJ,” she says again. Cammy makes her way down the long row of desks and out the door before Mrs. Halifax can respond. It’s only a short minute before everyone turns back around, facing the front of the room, carrying on as if nothing just happened.

If I run after her, everyone will know. She doesn’t want that because we’re a secret, and so is our almost two-year-long relationship.

With my focus locked on the clock, waiting for the minute hand to sluggishly make its way to the twelve, I struggle to understand what changed, and what might be going through Cammy’s head. We’ve talked everything through. We’ve made decisions and plans, leaving nothing unresolved.

The bell buzzes through the loudspeaker and I grab my books, jetting out of the classroom before anyone has a chance to step foot into the rows between the desks.

I race through each hall, searching from one end to the other looking for her, but she’s nowhere in sight.

Needing a brief pause to catch my breath, I lean up against one of the lockers and take my cell from my back pocket. A text from Cammy is waiting for me.

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Cammy: We need to talk. I’m in Parking Lot C.

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I don’t want to waste time responding to her so I continue running down the halls and out one of the exit doors I shouldn’t be using during school hours. As I find her in front of her beat-up, cherry red BMW, she drops her school bag to her feet and slaps her hands over her eyes, crying so loudly I’m afraid someone might think I’m hurting her. Regardless, I throw my arms around her neck and let her cry her fears out.

“Tell me,” I whisper in her ear.

“I have to give the baby up. I submitted the paperwork last week and…” she says as she breathes heavily into my shoulder. “…and I didn’t think it would happen so quickly, but they found a family.”

“Wait. Stop! What the hell are you talking about?” I snap. I don’t need to question it, though, I’m smart enough to understand what she’s saying. I just feel lost, however, since the topic was never brought up. We had plans. Stupid plans, but plans. We did this and we were going to make it work. There was never another option—not one that was discussed between the two of us. We’re so stupidly in love that we have convinced ourselves we’re ready to be parents at seventeen. We’re not. But, the alternative is not an option—was never planned to be an option.

“I have to give the baby up for adoption, AJ.”

“No. No, you don’t, Cammy. Wha—we didn’t even talk about this. Why would you go and—” My head is spinning, and I want to understand but this isn’t fair. The baby is mine too. How could she just give our child away without consulting me first? Is that even allowed?

“AJ, I’m nine-months pregnant,” she says, cutting me off. “There is no more time.”

“You’re not due for another week. We have time. We should make this decision together,” I argue, while at the same time trying my hardest to calm down.

“We’re seventeen. We’re hardly old enough to care for ourselves, let alone a baby. Plus, I—I don’t have much say in this…I don’t have any say in this,” she sighs as droplets of tears slowly trickle from her light chestnut eyes. “I don’t want to do this to her either, you have to believe me.” She places her hand over her stomach in a loving way.

Her? “Wait,” I say, waving my hands in the air. “You just said her…you knew?” She told the doctor she wanted to wait until she gave birth to find out if the baby was a girl or a boy. At least, that’s what she told me. I don’t understand any of this. When was this bullshit adoption decision made? She knows I’ve been saving every dime from work, putting it aside so we can feed and clothe the baby. I cleared out an area of my bedroom so I could make a place for her to sleep. I bought toys, and I’ve been storing them under my bed. As much as I have not been ready to be a dad, I’ve done the best I could to prepare for being one. I may not know much about caring for a child, but I know how to love one.

“I didn’t want you to get attached—I didn’t want to get attached, but I broke down and asked if it was a girl or boy during the last ultrasound,” she says, looking down to her fidgeting fingers, twiddling the promise ring I gave her a few months ago. I made a promise that we would have the most incredible family and that I would give her and our baby everything.

“So you made your mind up about this weeks ago, huh?” I ask, running my hands through my hair in aggravation. Her mother needed to escort her to every goddamn doctor’s appointment so I couldn’t even be there for the ultrasounds. This is bull.

“I didn’t make this decision, AJ.”

“Who did then? Why didn’t you tell me, Cammy? Why?”

“You like to fix things, help people, and solve the world’s problems. You love everyone and everything, and everyone loves you. AJ Cole would never hand his child off to anyone. I know you well enough to realize that you wouldn’t agree with this and…since it’s out of my hands and I don’t agree with it, I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her words become stronger, and the tears clear from her face as if the sun were peeking through on a dreary day. Has she made her peace with this decision…the decision that was made without me? I’ve never seen this particular expression on her face before.

“The Cammy I know would never give her child up for anything in the world either…she’s our daughter. How is this out of your hands, Cammy?” I whisper angrily, pointing to her stomach. “She’s ours and no one else has the right to make this awful decision for you.”

“My parents—they left me no choice, okay?” she snaps. “We aren’t married. You have no rights. None, AJ.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This doesn’t even sound like something Cammy would say. It sounds like something she’s been programed to say. She fights for what she believes in and what she wants, and this makes no sense.

“How could you not fight for her—for us? How are you going to be able to live with this after giving our baby away? I sure as hell won’t be able to.” I think I might be snarling at her. I try to tame my anger, but there’s no way to tame what I’m feeling right now. “I don’t want to give her up. I’m not going to consent to this. I’m going to be at the hospital, and they’re going to want her father to sign papers too, Cammy. I know you think I have no rights here, but I do. That little girl is half mine, whether your parents like it or not.” In any other circumstance and on any other subject, the way I’m speaking to her, the way she’s speaking to me, this would be grounds for breaking up. This would be grounds for a nasty high-school breakup. But I love her. I’ve loved her for almost two years and we’ve been forced to grow up faster than I thought possible in the past few months.

She looks up at me, the glossy look in her eyes returning as she sniffles softly. “This isn’t up for debate. The lawyer my parents hired said so.”

“Lawyer?” What the fuck? I should have figured. Mr. and Mrs. Beverly Hills of Connecticut would force her to have an attorney. Her parents seemed understanding, from what I’ve heard. Though, I’ve never actually met them. I was never allowed over at her house since I have been her best-kept secret, aside from the first few months of her pregnancy. I don’t know if she’s trying to protect herself or me, but now I realize I never should have agreed to keep our relationship hidden for so long because she might be right. Any dude could walk into the hospital that day and claim to be the baby’s dad. There’s no proof, other than a DNA test, which I’ll do if they give me the time to prove myself. I don’t know how this shit even works. “I’m at a loss for words, Cammy. God, this isn’t right. This isn’t fair. I’m so angry and I don’t even know what to say,” I hiss through boiling rage.

Cammy stares at me with a hard gaze, like she’s trying to turn herself into stone, but she’s failing miserably. She must have expected this reaction from me. It’s why she waited so long to break the news.

After far too long of watching her stare back at me, I notice a red tinge fill her cheeks. Her hand reaches for her stomach, and she leans back against the driver’s door of her car.

Everything feels like it’s happening in slow motion when her eyes close, then clench, her jaw clamps shut and her body folds in half as much as it can, being nine-months pregnant. A groan rumbles through her throat and at the same moment, the redness that had just colored every inch of her fair skin has completely disappeared, leaving her pale and ghostly. I freeze for a minute, in shock, as I begin to suspect what is happening.

“Are you okay?” I finally ask, after taking way too long.

She reaches over and grips my shoulder with her hand, piercing her pink-painted nails into the skin of my forearm. “Take me to the hospital.”

Those five words propel my mind into overdrive, and I try to remember everything I’ve Googled about this. I thought it would be a gradual thing, like slow, over the course of several hours. She’s calm for the moment but I can see nervousness and fear in her eyes. I slip my arm under hers and help her over to my beat-up truck.

My mind empties out as I fly through the familiar streets until we arrive at the hospital. Cammy has kept silent most of the way, other than the three times I heard more groans. Parking the truck in the two-hour parking zone, I race around to her side and help her out. “I have to call my parents,” she utters.

“I can do this with you, Cam,” I tell her, trying to remain calm, trying to convince her I can actually do this with her.

“You shouldn’t be here. I don’t want my parents to know…my dad will kill you, AJ. Please believe me. I’m not doing this to hurt you. Can’t you see this is destroying me?”

“You don’t want your parents to know what? That you’ve been dating a middle-class seventeen-year-old? Am I not good enough for you? What the hell is it? We love each other. What else matters?” I got their seventeen-year-old daughter pregnant…she’s trying to protect me, but I need to protect my daughter now.

“That’s not it,” she cries.

“Then what, Cammy?” I’m walking with her through the parking lot, my arm holding up as much of her weight as possible while we step inside of the hospital.

“My dad said when he found out who did this to me, he’d make him wish he was never born.” Hearing this doesn’t come as a surprise. He’s the chief of police for our town and I believe he’d destroy me in any way possible. It was the first thought I had when she told me she was pregnant. Yet, I’ve stuck with her, offering to be here, be the father to this child and do the right thing. The only saving grace I could think of was that he wouldn’t want his grandchild growing up without a dad. Although now that I’m not going to have a chance at being a dad, it gives him no excuse not to ruin my life. Still, I won’t be bullied away from this—from her and our daughter.

“I don’t care,” I tell her.

She stops in the empty hallway and grips her hands around my shoulders, staring her doe-like gaze up at me. “I care. I don’t want to ruin your life. I love you, regardless of what’s being forced on us right now. This isn’t what I want, and I hope you’ll realize it someday.” Right at this moment, I would give anything to know what my legal rights are, but I’ve run out of time, and I’m more or less stranded in the middle of a dark woods, alone with no light and no direction.

“You can’t do this,” I beg again, even though I know now this isn’t her decision. Blame is just pouring out and I can’t control it. I just have to fight this. I will fight until I win.

Cammy has been in labor for hours now, and I’ve managed to convince her not to call her parents. In a normal situation, I know it would be wrong to beg her not to call them, but if they arrive, I will have to go. I can tell that much from the conversations we’ve had over the past few hours. If I could only convince her to change her mind about giving our child away, we’d be okay. She isn’t budging on this, though.

A nurse just walked in to ask Cammy some questions and now she’s asking if I’m the father. As I open my mouth to respond, Cammy interjects with a firm, “No. I don’t know who the father is.” I’ve suddenly become Cammy’s good and loyal friend who wants to be here in her time of need. I want to call her out and make a scene but I’ll be kicked out, so I bite my tongue harder than I’ve ever had to bite it, and I swallow my pride.

The doctors have made her comfortable with pain medication, and though she seems relaxed as she crunches on ice chips, her eyes look as if they’re struggling to stay open, her skin is paler than white, and strands of hair are strewn across her forehead and matted down with the sweat. She looks like the definition of miserable, and watching her go through this pain and agony only brings up even more questions on how she could go through this and then hand our baby over to someone else.

“We’re graduating in a month. I was thinking we could get an apartment, and I’ll decorate one of the bedrooms for her,” I say, placing my hand down gently over her stomach. “She’s our daughter. We should give her everything we can.” I’m aware I sound insane. I feel insane, but I can’t give up hope, even if it’s the truth that she has no say in this.

“AJ,” Cammy mutters. “It’s too late.”

“No, it’s not,” I argue senselessly. I don’t know if it is or not, but I want to stand firm and tell her it’s not. It can’t be too late. She’s our child.

An older male doctor walks in during the middle of more pleading from me to her and tells us he was informed that Cammy is ready to push now. A nurse slides two clean gloves onto the doctor’s hands and he sits down on a circular stool at the end of the bed where Cammy’s feet are being perched in stirrups.

I’m at a loss for words. I should be soothing her and trying to take some of her pain and fears away, but I can’t because of my anger. I’m so angry, and I know I’ll never get over this. I should leave. I should do what I can to avoid the pain I’ll feel when I see my daughter, knowing I will have to give her up. This is all too much.

Coming to terms with the thought of being a dad has taken me months. Every minute of every day since Cammy told me, I have convinced myself this is the way it’s supposed to be. I’ll make it through this. We’ll all make it through this. Now that I’ve finally come to terms with it, I’m not sure I can suddenly come to terms with not having this little girl in my life.

My thoughts fall quieter, and the pastel-washed room filled with a scent I will never forget joins me in silence as Cammy pushes through her pain. I’m still as a statue, holding her hand as sweat trickles down her red cheeks. I can’t hear anything. It’s as if the world around me has paused except for Cammy, the doctor, nurses, and...that cry.

The doctor holds her up like a trophy we just won, and to me, she feels like a trophy. People don’t give up trophies.

After cleaning her up, one of the nurses gently hands Cammy our baby girl, and I wait and watch for the look on Cammy’s face to morph from pain to love, but…it doesn’t happen.

“I can’t hold her,” Cammy utters. She closes her eyes to avoid looking at the most beautiful thing she will possibly never see.

How could she not touch our daughter? “I’d like to hold her,” I speak out, louder than I meant to.

“No,” Cammy argues. “She isn’t ours.” Cammy breaks down into a fit of tears, which turn into loud cries. She’s suffering in pain, both emotionally and physically, and I don’t know how to fix that because I don’t know how to fix my own emotional pain at the moment. “It’ll make it worse, AJ. Believe me.”

“It’s the only chance I’ll have,” I argue. “I wouldn’t give it up for the world, Cammy.”

Cammy clenches her eyes tighter and inhales sharply through a painful groan. The nurse takes her cue and walks over to me, placing my daughter into my arms.

Her skin is so pink and perfect. Her eyes are looking at me wildly like she’s trying to figure out what’s going on and how she ended up here. Little sprouts of dark hair are coiled into fine curls, and her lips are shaped like perfect bows. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, and I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone.

“Are you naming her or are the adopting parents naming her?” the nurse asks Cammy.

“They’re naming her,” Cammy says, with only a soft sound to her breath. Her words float through the air, and I realize the names we came up with were never set in stone, but I didn’t think she would choose against naming her.

My daughter is still staring up at me. Maybe she’s trying to memorize my face before she’s taken away. I wish I could tell her to memorize me. “Don’t forget me,” I whisper softly. “Please.”

“The adopting parents were called about an hour ago, as requested. They are in the waiting room. Once we freshen you up, would you like me to bring them in?” The nurse is focusing solely on Cammy because Cammy has said she doesn’t know who the father is. I am this little girl’s dad. I will always be her dad whether she knows it or not.

“Yes, please,” Cammy says through weak words. How is she so strong? How can she just do this? What is she feeling inside? Is she breaking like me? Is she already broken? This isn’t the girl I’ve known and loved for almost two years. This isn’t something my Cammy would do.

The nurse finally looks over at me and tilts her head gently to the side. Her eyes grow wide, and her shoulders slump forward a touch. She walks to a chair and drags it over for me and fluffs a hospital pillow, then urges me down. With her hand on my shoulder in a soothing manner, I carefully ease myself into the chair, holding this baby girl close to me, close to my heart, praying she can hear the beat and know she is connected to me for life.

I immediately become lost in my little girl’s eyes, memorizing them. Now I know how little girls wrap their daddies around their fingers. I want to give her everything. Seconds must have turned into minutes of gazing at her because there’s a knock at the door, and it startles both of us.

A young couple, straight out of that damn Homes and Gardens magazine Mom reads, walks in. These people are coming in here to take my child out of my arms. I have a child. I have a daughter. She’s mine.

The woman walks toward me with a smile from ear to ear, tears in her eyes, red cheeks—every sign telling me she’s feeling the same amount of emotion as I am, except her emotions are all completely opposite. I think.

“Oh my goodness, she is absolutely perfect and beautiful. You should be so proud of the sacrifice you are bravely making,” the woman says.

“This wasn’t my decision,” I mutter softly. I don’t want my daughter to know I made this decision if she were to ever ask about me someday.

“Oh,” she says, shocked. “I see.” The woman, who can’t be more than ten years older than me, clutches her arms over her chest in discomfort.

The man with her, who I assume must be her husband, moves beside her and places his arm around her shoulders. “I’m sure this must be very difficult for you,” he says. “But please know, you are answering our prayers with your gift.” Who the hell says that? I’m answering his prayers with my gift? This baby is my daughter—my blood. I’ve created her, and now I’m supposed to hand her off to these schmucks—as a gift?

The woman remains standing in front of me, staring at my little girl as if she wants to hold her. I know once that happens, any control I feel like I have right now will be gone forever.

“We have to give her to them,” Cammy says through a croaky sob. “Please, AJ. This is killing me. Literally killing me. I will forever be devastated by this day and I can’t endure the pain for another minute. The paperwork is done, and there is nothing I can do now…please, AJ.”

I don’t take my eyes off of my daughter. Instead, I trace my pinky over the tiny birthmark beside her right ear, admiring the way it looks like a cluster of tiny stars. I won’t waste a second of time where I could be looking at her, no matter how much I want to see the look on Cammy’s face right now. There’s a part of me that needs to know she’s feeling the same pain I am. How could she not be?

I’ve never been in pain before—not this kind of pain. It feels like someone is punching me with boxing gloves from the inside, making every one of my organs hurt and throb. How can someone give up their baby? This is all my fault. I should have been more careful. I should never have let this happen in the first place. I’m destroying my life, and Cammy’s life. Even if she doesn’t realize it this very second, we’re hurting ourselves and giving these nameless people their answered prayer.

“AJ,” Cammy says firmly. The tone of her voice is strong enough to briefly pull my attention away from my baby girl, long enough to see a pair of arms reaching down for my daughter. I want to slap them, stand up and guard her from them, but there’s nowhere to run. The woman’s hands make contact with her tiny body, they’re cupping around her, embracing her, taking this little girl from my tight grip.

As the cold air hits my skin where her warm body was just lying, I come to terms with what is happening, knowing I will never feel that sensation again for the rest of my life. A part of me has just been stolen.

My eyes are set on the woman crooning, oohing, and ahhing at my daughter. She has tears in her eyes, and the husband does too. It’s like Cammy and I have disappeared from this room and it’s only the two of them and their new daughter. But she’s not their daughter. She’s mine! I didn’t agree to give her up. I didn’t have a say. This isn’t fair.

“What kind of adoption is this?” I ask. I don’t know jack about adoptions. I’m seventeen. The thought never crossed my mind. Why would it? I thought we were on the same page. Though, thinking about it now, Cammy never expressed what was on her agenda. I assumed we were on the same page, but as it turns out, we weren’t even in the same chapter. Dad has always told me what assuming does to a man, but I'm not the ass in this situation. No way. Not this time.

The man and woman look at me, puzzled, as if my question is odd or out of place. As if...wondering why no one explained this process to me yet. “It’s an open adoption, but this will be the last form of contact we have with each other,” Cammy says through a subtle whisper.

“Thank you for allowing us to be here,” the woman says.

“Please take good care of her…please,” Cammy replies through her hardly recognizable voice. All I hear is the same anguish I’m feeling inside, and it’s becoming clearer by the moment that this isn’t what Cammy wants.

“I'm not ready,” I argue.

“Please,” Cammy says to the nurse. “I can’t take this anymore. Will you have him leave?”

What? Me? No!

“That’s my daughter,” I shout. “No one asked me if I wanted this…them!” I point to the couple. “I don’t want this. I didn't agree to this!”

“Security,” the nurse says, calmly, into a corded phone.

“I thought you didn’t know who the father was?” the adopting woman asks. “That’s how everything was stated in the paperwork. There were no DNA tests or consent forms. Is this the father?”

“Yes! This isn’t fair. This isn’t right! She’s mine. She belongs to me. She’s everything to me. I’ll take care of her myself if I have to. I don’t want to give her up. I don’t. She’s my everything, Cammy…” My voice trails off into moans, a type of guttural sound that has never come from my throat before. “Please don’t take away my daughter,” I beg. “That’s my baby. She’s part of me. You can’t take away a part of a person like that. You can’t.” I sound insane. I sound wild and crazy, and Cammy is hysterical, watching me.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid it’s too late,” the adopting woman says. “You would have needed to sign papers disagreeing with the adoption, but we were told the father was unknown.”

I look at Cammy, unable to understand how she could go through with something like this and not tell me. “Cammy, tell them I’m the father. I didn’t sign papers because I didn’t know we were giving her up for adoption until four hours ago,” I shout.

“He’s the father,” she cries through a whisper just quietly enough that I can hear, but we both know it doesn’t matter now. The woman said the paperwork was done. Cammy doesn’t respond. She just weeps. Her eyes are swollen and her cheeks are red, covered with big, thick tears. The couple—they’re holding my daughter tightly in a protective stance as if I were going to attack my own child. They’re protecting her from me. “AJ, you have to know that she’s my everything too, but—”

“They’re taking our daughter, Cammy! It can’t be this way!” I hardly have a chance to finish my sentence when hands wrap around my arms from behind, and I’m pulled out of the room, backwards nonetheless—just another form of punishment to give me one last look at this scene that will forever be burned into my mind.

While my world moves in slow motion around me, I keep my gaze set on our daughter, as a tiny pink hat is fitted snugly over her dark hair, and then I see her eyes—they’re large and looking everywhere, wondering what is happening in her world that was just created less than ten minutes ago.

The very last thing I hear before I’m out of the corridor is her cry—the sweetest noise I will never hear again.