Dear Shelia,

It was a dark and stormy night….

Don’t ever sign anything without reading the fucking contract. Ever. Although it wouldn’t have mattered for me since I’m dealing with the Harbinger of Evil who cheats at cards and is a gaping buttwad. However, just in case you’re more than a book, always read the fine print. And if you are more than a book, I don’t want to know. I’d have to kill you and I feel like we’ve grown close. That would suck—for you.

So today was just another day in Paradise…

Not.

“Look, this book reads like an erotic journey slash some of the most unbelievably violent shit that I couldn’t even make up slash a bad acid trip. I don’t think it’s gonna sell,” I stated the obvious, hoping like Hell Uncle Fucker would reconsider this appalling exercise in vanity.

“Of course it will sell.” Satan waved his hand dismissively. “Just put some bullshit happily ever after at the end and we can pawn it off as a romance.”

“You’re serious?” I asked with a horrified expression. That was the worst fucking idea he’d had yet—and he’d had many.

“Completely.”

“But, um… you don’t exactly have a happily ever after at the moment,” I reminded my insane uncle cautiously. “You want me to lie?”

“But of course,” he replied. “Most of what I’ve told you is fabricated.”

“Are you shitting me?” I yelled as my fingers lit up like mini fireworks. “I’ve spent a month of my life that I can’t get back typing utter bullshit that’s been flying from your deceitful lips?”

“I’d have to say that’s fairly accurate,” the Devil replied with a laugh. “However, a month is but a blip when you live forever. You shall see. And lies are always more fun that the truth.”

“The sex stuff was a lie?” I asked with a wince, trying to hide my expression of relief.

“No. That’s all true.”

And the relief disappeared.

“The violence?” I tried again.

“Again, no.”

“Then what in the ever loving Hell was made up?” I demanded, running my hands through my wild hair in frustration. I wanted to zap his lying ass so hard I could taste it.

“You’re going to set your hair on fire,” Satan pointed out as a few strands began to sizzle under my sparking fingers.

“Motherfucker in a miniskirt,” I bellowed, slapping at my head in a panic. “Do you see what this is doing to me? Are you happy? I almost singed myself bald because you’ve had more sex than the entire male population quadrupled. I do not look good bald.”

“Names,” he replied, ignoring my outburst. “I made up names. Wouldn’t want any lawsuits.”

“Shut the front door. Most of the freaks you talk about in the book are dead already and half of the species mentioned don’t even exist in humans’ minds. How can you have lawsuits?”

“You’d be surprised,” Uncle Fucker replied, pilfering a few Mont Blanc pens and a calculator. “Just make up a happily ever after and we’ll be done.”

“For real?”

“Yes.”

“Would you lie to me?” I asked, scrunching my nose in doubt. The truth was a foreign concept to my uncle.

“Absolutely.”

“So we’re not done, Uncle Fucker?” I asked as my eyes narrowed to slits.

“I suppose you didn’t read the fine print in the contract,” he informed me, biting back his grin with effort.

He failed. He was grinning like a loon.

“I suppose I didn’t because you didn’t give me a contract,” I snapped as my now blazing fingers melted the laptop beneath them.

Damn it, I’d now ruined six dang laptops due to the Devil’s deceit.

Pocketing a few more interesting looking gadgets from Ethan’s desk, Satan clapped his hands and produced a thick folder. “Silly me,” he chided himself sarcastically. “My apologies. Here it is.”

And then the jackass disappeared in a cloud of black glitter and smoke.

The Devil left just in time. One more second and he would have been partially decapitated by a flaming, flying laptop.

So Shelia, my friend… always read the fine print unless you get screwed into a deal by a card shark with a shitty agenda. Not that it would happen to you, but I’m just sayin’.

Have a great night. I have to go order a new fucking laptop.

xoxo Astrid