Chapter 4
“To finishing college!” Josh bellowed, lifting a glass full of bubbling beer.
They all echoed the sentiment back. Ralph sipped at his beer pensively. Graduation was only two days away. He needed to make peace with Shanda. Sure, they’d spoken a little since they’d slept together, small talk mostly. They had never talked about that night. In fact, he was now sure that she had gone out of her way to avoid him. He wanted to say goodbye to her, and apologize for that night. He needed that closure. And he wanted her to have it, as well. He was aware that he’d hurt her deeply, and more than anything, he wanted her forgiveness. Well, he wanted her forgiveness just as much as he wanted his own.
Here he was with his friends, gathered to celebrate the biggest event in any of their lives, and he felt numb to the celebratory atmosphere. If his time at school was drawing to a close, so, too, was the time he had left to apologize to Shanda, and try to salvage whatever scraps of potential friendship she may be willing to toss his way. Though he would understand if she never wanted to see him again.
Every time he thought about it, he felt sick with shame. He had used Shanda; there were no two ways about it. Sure, she was gorgeous and sexy, but his motives that night had been to pay Michelle back for cheating on him; pure revenge. He drowned his beer and left the pub without saying goodbye to any of his friends. He would make an attempt to talk to her now, while the few drinks he had consumed had him feeling brave.
He knocked on her door, hoping she wasn’t in. Hoping he wouldn’t have to face her. All the courage drained from his body when he heard footsteps approach on the other side of the door. She opened the door a crack, then allowed it to open all the way as she stepped back. She looked up at him in surprise. He hadn’t been to her room in ages. Ralph cleared his throat. He had a hard time looking her in the eye after what he’d done to her. But he had to do this.
“Hi, um… look… can I please come in? This won’t take long. I promise,” Ralph said.
Her hair was wet and her skin pink. She had probably just come from the shower, he could smell her freshness. Her lavender shampoo. It brought back such vivid memories. Memories he’d buried for the both of them the night he acted on a vengeful impulse instead of waiting to share a special moment with a woman whom he deeply cared about.
“Sure,” she said. She turned and walked toward her desk, leaving him to follow her. Her voice had no melody—it was just one solid note. Not an angry note, not a happy note, but a resigned note.
He sat on the bed, and Shanda pulled out her study chair and sat opposite him. She wasn’t making this easy. He found himself looking at her lips, and wanting very badly to kiss her. He cleared his throat and tried to clear his mind as well.
“Graduation day on Friday huh?” Ralph commented.
“Yeap, finally,” Shanda said. Her voice was devoid of any emotion. Her smile was small and forced. But she was speaking with him. She hadn’t yelled at him yet, or refused him entry into her room. These small things gave him hope. Two years was a long time. Maybe she’d already forgiven him. Maybe she’d moved on, found someone else.
The thought still—after two years and so much distance—the idea of her being with someone else pained him. He hadn’t thought of it for so long, but now that she sat across from him, and he could see her face, her eyes, the skin he’d touched… he almost couldn’t breathe. He still cared for her, but he wasn’t sure just how much he cared. He couldn’t tell her that he loved her.
“Yes, for me too. I’m excited to do something else. What are your plans after graduation?” Ralph said, having shaken himself from his thoughts.
“I have a job lined up in town, in a management consultancy firm.” Shanda shrugged. “What about you? I bet you’re getting married soon.”
Ralph was taken aback. Married? Why would Shanda think he was getting married? To whom?
Michelle. The thought of being married to that woman nearly made him shudder. Somehow, Shanda must not have known what happened after they’d ceased talking to one another.
“No, I’m not getting married. Especially not to… Michelle and I broke up.” Ralph said. He scratched the back of his neck and looked away from Shanda.
“Oh.” she said. “So, then what are your post-graduation plans?”
“I have two different job offers. One’s here in town and the other one is in California. I haven’t decided which one to take,” Ralph said. He couldn’t take the small talk any longer. He was glad to hear she’d found a great job—she deserved it. She was an incredibly smart woman who worked hard. But if he had to spend another moment avoiding the elephant in the room, he would go insane.
“I’ve missed your friendship Shanda,” Ralph said. The words spilled out of him quickly, in a torrent. I wanted to come here tonight to apologize to you. I was wrong that night to sleep with you while I was with Michelle. I’m so sorry. It was a mistake.”
“Don’t say that. It was special for me,” Shanda divulged. The solidity of her face began to show cracks. Her eyes moistened.
“It was special for me too,” Ralph said. “But I was reacting from hurt, and I shouldn’t have allowed things to happen the way that they did. You’re beautiful, and kind, and smart, and any man would be lucky to have you.”
Shanda looked at him with tears in her eyes. She turned her head away for a moment before looking back at him.
“I’ve loved you since that first day,” she confessed. “And I always knew you felt something for me, too. I still feel that way. And you must, too, otherwise I know you wouldn’t be here. You would have just moved on with your life. Can’t we give it a shot; find out if we were meant to be?”
Ralph shook his head, feeling confused. Did he have feelings for Shanda? He didn’t know. Maybe he did, but for the moment, he really had no clue. He knew he felt terrible for harming her. He knew that he enjoyed the intimacy they had before he’d hurt her. But he didn’t know if he loved her.
“Michelle hurt me very badly, and right now I think I just want to figure out who I am and what I want. I’m sorry Shanda; all I seem to do is hurt you. I know getting together with someone else this soon would be disastrous .”
“Please,” Shanda begged, tears running down her cheeks.
Damn! If he had known she had it this bad for him, he would not have slept with her that night. But something told Ralph that he was lying to himself. She was sweet and sexy and exactly what he needed. He regretted hurting her, but he had needed someone that night, and she had been there. He just wished he could do the same for her, but the fact was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Besides, Shanda had been his friend for so long, it was difficult to think of her as a potential girlfriend.
He wiped her tears from her face with his fingers.
“Don’t cry for me, Shanda, I’m not worth it. Find a guy who loves you and whom you’ll love. You deserve love in return for what you give.”
“But you said you’re not sure if you have feelings for me?”
Not wanting to crush her again, Ralph sputtered. “I don’t know how I feel about you. I know that I care, but I am in no place to be with anyone romantically. And you can’t just wait… you can’t wait around for me to make up my mind; it’s just not fair to you.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what’s fair or not,” Shanda snapped, reaching for a tissue and blowing her nose. Even in this condition, Ralph couldn’t help but be struck by her beauty.
Ralph took her hands into his.
“Shanda, you’re very special. Go out, meet many people and date many guys. There’s someone out there for you, but it’s not me. I’ll take the job in the West coast. It’ll be easier for both of us.”
At that, Shanda broke down completely into heart wrenching sobs, and Ralph felt like a complete bastard. He couldn’t stand being the cause of so much of her pain, but he knew that he’d spoken the truth. They hadn’t gotten off to the best start for a healthy relationship, and he wanted that for her—a happy, healthy relationship, even if it wasn’t with him.
He pulled her to him and she slid into his lap. He crooned her like a little baby until her sobs ceased in volume and intensity, until he’d rocked her into silence. He then gently guided her to sit on her bed. Her strong feelings for him had scared him, and he didn’t want to do anything to make her think they had something that warranted such intense emotions. She had just appeared at the wrong time and he told her so.
“Our timing was just off. But you know what they say, if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” It was a cop-out and he knew it. He just hoped that she would find comfort in those oft-repeated, but substance-less words. He stood up and pulled her with him.
“I wish you all the best. I hope you meet your Mr. Right, and you guys have a white picket fence, and a dog, and a dozen babies.”
“That many?” Shanda said shakily and they both laughed.
“Come here,” Ralph said and engulfed her in a hug. He held her tightly because this was their last hug. The last time he’d smell her scent. It was a bittersweet farewell.
He felt his eyes grow wet. He knew that this would be the last time he would ever see Shanda, and he felt sad. Friendship at this point would be impossible. They’d taken things too far, too soon. No relationship could be salvageable from such a circumstance. He’d done her very wrong, and he needed to give her a chance to live her own life. From what she’d told him, she lived for others. She’d lived for others her entire life. The best thing he could do for her was stay away from her life and give her the space to move on. When they stepped apart, Shanda went to her desk and scribbled on a piece of paper.
“ Here, this is my new email address. Please write soon.”
Ralph nodded, even though he had no intention of doing that. He had strung her along for long enough. It was time for her to find happiness with someone, hopefully, someone who was available.
“OK then, I will see you on graduation day,” Ralph said and he walked to the door.
She was still leaning on the door watching him, when he reached the staircase. He gave her one final wave and ran down the stairs. He returned to the bar and slipped in unnoticed. This time he downed his beers fast, wanting to fill the emptiness that was in his heart. He knew he was doing the right thing, so why did he feel so terrible?
Ralph watched as Shanda waved to a group of people in the audience. He assumed they were her parents and he felt happy for her that they had come to terms with each other. He smiled widely, but his smile wavered several times. Damn it! Why couldn’t one of my parents have made it? His mother was on her honeymoon with husband number four, a man older than Ralph by only a couple of years. His father was somewhere wrapping up a business deal. He had no one. And though he tried to ignore that fact and be proud of himself and his accomplishments, it still stung to know that neither of his parents found that accomplishment worthy enough to put their own lives on hold for a single day. It was too much to ask of them. It always had been. He couldn’t ignore that no one was there for him.
With no one in the audience for him, Ralph felt as though he had wasted four years of his life, which he knew was not true. He had worked hard for himself, to better himself, not for his selfish parents. He had his degree and he had a job waiting for him. Most of his friends were leaving with their fiancés or girlfriends. Ralph had wasted his time on a girl who was not interested in the future; only the instant gratification that whatever drama she could stir up in the moment would bring her. The truth was, when it came to Michelle, he had let his body lead him. He hadn’t thought, he’d just done. He’d been young and naïve. And he sorely regretted having wasted his time with such a girl.
In retrospect, there had been many warning signs. Unexplained disappearances and excessive secretiveness, which he had thought was just Michelle being mysterious, because she was beautiful. And she knew it. And beautiful girls who knew how beautiful they were loved to appear mysterious. But there was no mystery to that girl, and Ralph could kick himself for making believe that there was.
A month after they’d broken up, his friends had hinted at seeing her with other guys. Shanda would never have done that to him—at least he assumed she wouldn’t have. That thought startled Ralph and he tossed it out of his mind.
She was also out of his life. He would be starting afresh in California. When the ceremony was over, Ralph said a quick goodbye to Josh and the other guys and made his way to the parking lot. His brand-new car was waiting for him, packed and ready to go. The car was his graduation gift from his father, but Ralph would rather have had the man here, instead of the car. He wished his father had the capacity to understand the impermanence of materials.
He slid into the driver’s seat and drove off slowly, reveling in his last moments at St. Augustine, viewing the grounds and the buildings for the last time. He felt bad for leaving without telling Shanda, but they had already said their goodbyes. There was nothing left to say. He would drive to California, and spend the week before work started looking for an apartment and seeing the state.
His mother had offered to fly him to the Bahamas for the week, but the thought of spending time with his mother and her new husband made him cringe. Besides, he knew she hadn’t really meant it. Ralph was an embarrassment, born too early in her life, proof that she was much older than she looked. Sometimes, she even introduced him as her cousin. What sort of mother did that? He’d sure only met one who had. So, he’d resolved to stay away from her, which would do her a favor as well because she preferred to stay away from him.
The drive from Oregon to California took just over five hours. The further he drove from Oregon, the more optimistic he felt about his future. As he passed the mile markers on the highway, he felt as though he were shedding the weight of all those years he’d spent being ditched by his parents, working his butt off for little reward, and making the terrible mistakes he’d made. Each mile marker represented a portion of his life that was now behind him, and there were many more mile markers ahead, as well.
A new beginning was what he needed. By the time he crossed the state line into California, his euphoria had decreased, and in its place, was a piercing loneliness. He felt as though he belonged nowhere and to no one.
In a moment of weakness, Ralph drove into a fuel station and entered the restaurant inside with his laptop. He opened his e-mail to a fresh page.
Dear Shanda,
I’m just about to drive into California, and I thought I should email you. You’re my last remaining link to Oregon, but more than, that I miss you. Already. More than I anticipated I would. Perhaps if I could visualize you in your new apartment or job, I wouldn’t miss you so much more, but I know nothing about your new life.
Driving alone is uplifting but also a weird experience. Too many thoughts swirl around in your brain, and too many regrets. My biggest regret is you. How I treated you. I wonder what might have been. But the one thing I will never regret is bumping into you that first day. You have made my life richer for knowing you. Even if we never meet again, you will always be close to my heart.
If you can write, I’d love to hear from you. However, if you think that writing to me will come between you and your happiness, please ignore this e-mail and I will not write to you again.
Oh! and congratulations. I saw your folks at the graduation (I thought they were your folks, anyway). I’m very happy for you for managing to look beyond their problems, and ahead to forging new relationships with them. I must tell you that despite encouraging you to do so, it is something I’ve not managed to do myself. How do you forge relationships every two years or so? (That’s how long my mother’s marriages last).
I’m rambling, I know, but I feel as though I’m in confession with an anonymous priest and I can get away with saying anything. Knowing I won’t see you helps. Take care.
Love,
Ralph
He took a deep breath before he hit the ‘send’ button. His resolve had not lasted long. Shanda was like a drug that he needed to take every so often or he’d start feeling some sort of sickness. He felt better after writing to her. He sipped at his coffee while staring at his laptop, waiting for the icon to appear announcing her response—hoping that she would write back, and afraid that she wouldn’t. After five minutes, Ralph heard a beep, and looked quickly at the screen. He had a new e-mail. It was from Shanda. He grinned like an idiot and clicked on the message.
Dear Ralph,
You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear from you. Yes, you’re right, it was my mom and dad in the audience. They managed to get along long enough to attend my graduation, and I’m grateful for that. We went to a posh restaurant afterwards, and in the evening, everybody went their separate ways. I moved into my apartment that night.
It’s a one bedroom. It’s tiny, but it has a huge window with the most glorious view of Lake Oswego. It will take a while to get used to the quietness here. It’s kind of lonely, but I’m happy that Flora is not too far away. She’s staying with her parents for a while, and she’s only twenty minutes away by bus. I start my new job on Monday (no time to worry) and I’m excited about that. It’ll occupy me and stop me from thinking about you. (Don’t panic).
I think I’ve brought you up to date with everything. I hope you enjoy California. Take care.
Love,
Shanda
Ralph closed his eyes and imagined her in her little apartment and wished he could be there with her. The longing was so great, he wondered if Shanda had been right in saying that there were feelings between them. He shook his head. He was in a heightened state of emotion. That was all. He was at the beginning of a whole new life and he was terrified, and so he clung to the one person who he was sure would always write back to his e-mails, and always return his phone calls. She was comfortable. Right now, she was all he had left of home.
He finished his coffee, paid for it and left. He felt ready to take on California. His first mission was to look for a nice, clean hotel. He found one in Sacramento, not too far from his new job, although he hoped that in a week’s time, he would be able to find his own apartment. It was a small and homey hotel, and most importantly, it was within walking distance of restaurants and clubs.
Ralph showered and lay down to rest before dinner. He woke up hours later when darkness had set in. He washed his face and dressed for the evening. The despondency that had plagued him earlier was gone and he felt like hitting the clubs. Dinner was a sumptuous meal of a steak, fried potatoes, and a tasty salad.
“Which is a good club around here?” Ralph asked the young-looking waiter, figuring that he would be able to direct Ralph to a trendy club. The waiter responded right away.
“That’s easy. The Strike is just next door, and everybody is flocking there tonight. There’s something going on, I can’t remember what.”
The something going on turned out to be a bikini competition, as Ralph found out quickly upon entering the place. There were more girls than boys, and Ralph felt immediately at home. He leaned against the bar counter and watched as girls walked by and stood around sipping drinks. Soon, a pretty curvaceous girl with a black mane of hair sidled up to him and started a conversation.
She reminded him of Shanda, with her black long hair and her brown eyes. He danced and partied with her. By midnight he couldn’t remember her name and he wanted to go to his hotel room. He had drunk too fast in an attempt to enjoy himself. He bid her goodnight, staggered out of the club, and tried to recall the direction to his hotel.
The following morning, bright, almost white sunlight bathed his room. He would learn later that the California sun rose early and was hot—even at the crack of dawn. Ralph groaned as he felt the heaviness of his head. It would be a long day. He dragged himself out of bed, and got his laptop from his bag. He went back to bed and switched it on. He had several emails from Shanda.
Ralph,
Are you OK? Let me know if you got into California safely.
Love, Shanda
Ralph,
I’m going sick with worry.
Shanda
Ralph slapped his forehead. Again, he had aroused hope in Shanda. Now she was worried about him and his intentions of moving to California had been to cut all ties with her. Because of him, she was again involved in his life, which was the last thing he wanted. After last night, he knew he would be OK. He was a survivor. He made friends easily and soon he would be too engrossed with work to worry about anything.
He hated himself for that moment of loneliness that had made him reach out to Shanda. He thought hard. He would write her a nice, but distant letter. He felt bad, but he wanted his ties to Shanda to end here. If he kept giving her false hope, intentionally or otherwise, it would be a self-perpetuating cycle, and he’d always disappoint her. With that decided, Ralph hit reply.
Dear Shanda,
Thank you for your concern, but everything is OK, and I’m doing very well. Sorry for worrying you, that was not my intention at all. I’m now settled in and ready for the next week to fly so that I can start my new job, and new life.
I realize that I made a mistake in writing to you (again). Shanda, I want you and I to move on. That means that we must not communicate and we must see other people. As I told you when we were together, I’m not in a position to begin a new relationship, not with you or anyone else. If we continue communicating (I blame myself 100%), it will hinder us (and most importantly you) from pursuing a relationship.
What I mean to say is that this will be my last email to you. You’re so special, and you deserve to find someone who is equally as special. If I keep taking up your time, you never will find that person. Please, take care of yourself, enjoy your new job and apartment, and pass my greetings to Flora. (I doubt she’ll receive them).
Much Love,
Ralph.
He read through it countless times, scanning it for any tidbits that may give her false hope, before deciding to hit ‘send.’ He imagined Shanda reading it and dissolving into tears again and that image haunted him for days after. He would take it a day at a time.
He had promised himself he would enjoy all that California had to offer. He had read about the beaches, the parks, the nightlife, and of course, he’d read about the girls.
Maybe he would even invite Josh after he’d settled in and found an apartment. Josh was still at a crossroads in his life, and he would enjoy a weekend out here.
Ralph got up from bed and took a shower. The sooner he started looking for an apartment, the faster he would feel settled. He dressed, adding a new accessory now that he was in California. Designer sunglasses. He looked at his reflection on the glass doors and smiled. He sure looked sharp.
California, watch out!