Chapter 19
In the end, Catherine had settled to the idea of spending a fortnight with her brother at Barford Hall before returning to Derbyshire. He had complained a little at first, but she had promised to be a regular visitor in the future, and so he had acquiesced.
But Philip had wanted her to have some place in Hertfordshire life and so had insisted that she accompany him to a late afternoon buffet at Lord Vinton’s country mansion. Catherine, not wanting to dampen her brother’s somewhat adorable enthusiasm for the two of them to be out in society together again, agreed with more alacrity than she felt.
Catherine had not been inside Lord Vinton’s home since the night of the dance he had held there so many years before; the night when Thomas Carlton, a man who ought to have been her natural enemy, had contrived the first ever secret meeting between them.
The wonderful, unforgettable evening that would let loose a chain of events that neither one of them could have anticipated.
Despite the fact that she liked Lord Vinton very much and would be pleased to see him again after so many years, Catherine did not quite feel ready to be out in society again. She doubted she would ever really be ready for the society in Hertfordshire ever, but she would do her very best if only for Philip’s sake.
Lord Vinton’s mansion was as welcoming as she remembered it, as was the man himself.
“Good afternoon, Lady Catherine. What a true pleasure it is to see you.” The ageing lord smiled at her warmly, welcoming her without making a great fuss of it.
It was almost as if it had only been a matter of weeks since she had last seen him, and Catherine was grateful for it. Lord Vinton had kindly set the tone for the rest, and since their host had not made a three-act opera out of her return, nobody else did.
“Lord Vinton, you look as hale and hearty as ever, Sir.” Catherine’s words were genuine. “And it is a pleasure for me to see you again too. Thank you kindly for inviting me this afternoon.”
“You are always most welcome.” He narrowed his eyes like a contented cat, and Catherine thought she liked him all the more.
His gentle greeting had given her confidence, and she walked into the drawing room of Vinton Hall with less trepidation than she might have felt otherwise. And yet, by the time she had spoken, albeit briefly, to a number of her old acquaintances and neighbours, Catherine felt a little drained.
So much had changed, and Catherine knew she was a very different person now. She did not quite fit in with her old life anymore, and she knew she never would. The truth was that she did not think she really wanted to fit in with her old life anymore.
As much as Catherine liked Lord Vinton, she realized she liked him for his easy manner and lack of ostentation. But his guests, for the most part, were not blessed with the same fine qualities, and Catherine realized that she had not missed the old competition that was rife in fine society.
Derbyshire, or at least Little Hayfield, was a different place, and she thought that she would much prefer to be walking the steep climb up Lantern Pike, the great green mass of a hill she had first set eyes upon on the day she had arrived at Ivy Manor.
“How are you managing?” Philip said to her halfway through the afternoon.
“Oh, I am managing alright.” Catherine smiled at him and found she was not keen to upset him by having him know just how much she would have liked to leave. “I always like the food that Lord Vinton lays on.”
“Yes, good and filling without being at all silly or trying to impress,” Philip agreed wholeheartedly.
“Lord Vinton would do very well in Derbyshire. There is a nice sense that he is very down to …” Catherine broke off and stared open-mouthed across the room to where Thomas Carlton had just walked in.
“Catherine?” Philip said and narrowed his eyes. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I … Yes, I am perfectly alright,” she said and laughed nervously when she realized just how unconvincing she sounded.
Philip spun around to see what she was staring at before turning back to her with a look of understanding on his face. He smiled at her kindly and reached out to lay a hand on her arm.
“Is it so difficult to see him again?” Philip said in a near whisper.
“I think it is seeing the woman he is to marry that is the worst. I do not think I could bear it, and I wish that they had not come. Perhaps it is a simple thing for him to have moved along with life, but I was the one who was banished; I was the one who suffered, and were I wearing his shoes today, I most certainly would not have arrived here with my fiancée.” Catherine realized she sounded a little bitter. “I would have had more tact and kindness in my heart than that.”
“I know you would have, my darling sister. But I am bound to tell you that the woman who has walked in at the same time as Thomas Carlton is not, in fact, his fiancée. It is a simple coincidence, and I think he hardly knows the woman at all.”
“Oh, thank heavens for that,” Catherine said and let out a great sigh. “All of this is hard enough as it is without the idea that I will be confronted with such a thing. Perhaps the sooner I get back to Derbyshire, the better.”
“Please, please do not go. I only have these two weeks with you as it is, and it is little enough time. Perhaps I ought not to have insisted that you come out with me this afternoon. I should have realized the potential for such upset. I should have realized what fears you must have left the house with. Please, forgive me, sister.”
“I daresay I cannot stay indoors forever, even if I am only here for two weeks. And since I have promised to be a regular visitor, I shall have to get used to the sight of Thomas Carlton and the woman who is to be his wife. Sooner or later, anyway.”
“From the way he looks over here, I would not be so sure that Lady Eleanor Barchester will ever be Thomas Carlton’s wife. Not, I daresay, that that will be her biggest concern. Not being the Duchess of Shawcross will likely be the larger part of her disappointment in that question.” Philip laughed, and Catherine smiled, knowing that all he wanted in the world was to cheer her up.
“I do not think that there will be much to stand in the way of Thomas Carlton’s wedding, especially given the tenacity of his father. The Duke is no different from our father, certainly not a man who would be reasoned with. Let us not forget; I am not an ordinary woman, am I? I am the daughter of the Duke’s greatest enemy, and things will never be any different.”
“Yes, but …” Philip began.
“No, Philip, it must be accepted. I have had enough pain and disappointment in my life to realize that I do not want any more. And to set myself up with hopes of something that will never, ever happen, would be the greatest of follies. I understand why you would want to give me hope, brother, and hope is a very fine thing until it is taken away. All that hope when that happens is just another cruel blow. Forgive me; I do not wish to be morbid, especially when you are trying so hard to keep my spirits up.”
“There is nothing to forgive. I understand what you are saying entirely, and I cannot tell you how much I wish things were different for you.” Philip looked as upset as she felt. “Let us give it a few minutes, and then we shall leave, Catherine.”
“No, there is no need to do that, Philip. All I need is a few minutes to gather myself, and I shall behave normally. If I am to be your visitor here, if I am to regain the old friendship that you and I once had, I will need to get used to seeing Thomas. There is no sense in putting the thing off any longer, for it has already been put off these last eight years.” Catherine took a steadying breath. “No, I will speak to him if I get the opportunity of it. That is the worst of it; once that is done, I shall be free of that fear at least.” She smiled at him reassuringly, and Philip returned her gaze with admiration.
“Then perhaps there is no time like the present, for he looks over this way continually,” Philip said and raised his eyebrows in question.
“Then I shall do it now.”
“Would you like me to come with you?”
“No, I will manage.” Catherine gave him a smile which she hoped was reassuring and then turned to see if she could catch Thomas’ eye.
When she did turn, it was to find him looking directly at her. He seemed to stare for a moment, no expression whatsoever on his face whilst Catherine, for her part, felt as if her heart was thundering in her throat.
She had thought of his face every day for the last eight years, and yet her imaginings could not compare with the real thing. He was as heartbreakingly handsome as ever, although there were some tiny differences. Thomas had aged but aged well. He did not look older than his years, but neither did he look younger. His hair was still the vibrant red-brown it had always been, the colour that his son had inherited.
He was dressed well in pale cream breaches and a dark blue waistcoat and tailcoat. She wondered about her own appearance and was glad that she had chosen to wear a long-sleeved dusky pink gown that suited her complexion very well indeed. She had worn black for only one day, choosing not to mourn her father.
Not that it mattered greatly what she wore; it was not as if she was trying to catch his eye, for it was too late for such a thing. Too late, and too impossible.
But her attention to her appearance that day had given her a little confidence and made her feel much less hopeless and forlorn than she might have done without it. Suddenly, without warning, Thomas began to stride towards her.
“Forgive me for hovering in the graveyard at your father’s funeral.” Of all the things she had expected Thomas to say on their first meeting after so many years, that was not one of them.
“You need not explain, and there is nothing to forgive. I only attended myself to make sure that he was in the ground.” She shrugged.
“My goodness, you are the same.” Thomas laughed, his pale blue eyes wide.
“Perhaps I am only the same in some of the essentials, Thomas. But I suppose a good deal has changed in other respects. I suppose we are none of us who we used to be.” She shrugged again.
Catherine was amazed that she could speak to him calmly and without any of the tears that she had imagined would erupt the moment she was with him again.
Perhaps the idea of his engagement had finally closed the door on it all for her. She knew that he had never wanted to see her go, and she had never doubted his love for her back then. But he was soon-to-be married, and perhaps it was as well to come to terms with it as soon as possible. Perhaps there would be something steadying in knowing that there would be no more meetings by Stromlyn Lake, no more stolen kisses.
“You have hardly aged at all, Catherine. The air in Derbyshire must be very fine indeed.”
“I am bound to say that I have never seen a more beautiful county than Derbyshire.” She smiled.
“And where was it that you stayed?”
“I stayed with my aunt and uncle, as you know. They are a Mr and Mrs Topwell, and they live in a small manor house in a tiny hamlet called Little Hayfield. It is in the High Peak area in the north of the county.”
“Tell me, is it far from Glossop?” he said, and she found herself surprised that he knew anything of Derbyshire at all.
“It is just four miles from Glossop,” she said and looked at him quizzically. “In fact, Glossop is the largest town for a few miles and really the place we would go to for much of what we needed.” Thomas wore a strange expression, and she thought that he did, perhaps, look a little upset. “Is something troubling you, Thomas?”
“I suppose it is,” he said quietly. “I had not realized how close I had come.”
“I beg your pardon?” she said quizzically.
“I made it as far as Glossop and no further.”
“You went to Glossop?” Catherine said in amazement.
“Not long after you had gone, Catherine. I had decided to come and look for you, but I am afraid that I had no information whatsoever. I made it as far as the High Peak and began to ask around, but not knowing anything about your aunt and uncle, not even their names, I did not do very well. I had only your name, and I am afraid that nobody in Glossop had yet heard of you. If only I had continued my journey just four more miles,” he said and seemed genuinely distraught.
“But you could not have known that, Thomas,” Catherine spoke gently, a little sideswiped by her feelings. She had always hoped that Thomas would come for her, little knowing that he had actually attempted it. “With no information to go on, you might just as well have been in another country altogether for all the luck you would have had in finding me. But thank you for trying, Thomas. I know it was a long time ago, but I am very grateful for your efforts.”
“I wish I had found you,” he said, and Catherine had the dreadful sense that the conversation had moved too far too fast.
It was as if the eight years between them had not made them strangers as ordinarily it might have done. There was no real awkwardness to speak of, and certainly no preamble to the things which really needed to be said but should have come much, much later.
And yet something about it all made her panic a little, for Catherine had the greatest sense that she could very easily have her heart broken for a second time, and she was not keen to relive such a dreadful experience.
“In the end, we cannot change the past. You tried, Thomas. You did your very best to find me, and I shall never forget that. But we have new lives now, have we not?” Catherine took a slow and deep breath and decided to start as she meant to go on. “And I believe I am to congratulate you, Thomas. My brother tells me that you are soon to be married.” Catherine smiled as serenely as she could even though she could feel the beginnings of that heartbreak once again.
From that point on, Thomas’ conversation became a little vague, and Catherine marvelled at how quickly they fell into the old ways of society, the polite and somewhat disengaged questioning and feigned interest in trivialities.
By the time Catherine came ready to take her leave and return to her brother, Thomas looked a little desperate. There was something in his face which suggested the conversation had not gone as he had hoped, that it had somehow wandered away down a path he had not been expecting it to take. There was disappointment in his countenance, she knew, and there was nothing that she could do about that.
“Well, I ought really to return to my brother and spend a little of the afternoon with him. Would you excuse me?” she said with a polite smile.
“Yes. Yes, of course,” Thomas said and bowed as if by instinct.
Something about it hurt her. She knew he had not intended his actions to do so; it was just that it spoke loudly to her of the barriers that were now between them. A formality that had not even been there at the start of the conversation had somehow worked its way in, barged its way between them almost as effectively as their fathers done all those years ago.
“Good afternoon, Thomas,” she said as serenely as she could manage and inclined her head before turning to leave.
“Forgive me,” Thomas said suddenly, and she spun around to look at him. “Sorry,” he went on and seemed a little tongue-tied. “Tell me, are you staying in Hertfordshire? Are you to return to Barford Hall for good?”
“No, I am not to return. I leave for Derbyshire at the end of two weeks.”
“I see,” Thomas said and bowed again before releasing her.