A Winter’s Tale by Carrie Elks (31)

‘So I guess I shouldn’t bother asking if you had a good Christmas then?’ Martin gave him a wry look.

Adam’s smile died on his lips before it even made it out of the gate. Even after two days it was impossible to find anything funny about it. ‘Yeah. Don’t bother.’

Martin looked him over, a worried expression forming on his face. ‘I’m glad you called.’

‘I wasn’t sure if you’d answer,’ Adam said. He didn’t bother telling Martin he’d been his last hope. Two days of pacing and running and trying not to pull his cabin apart were testament to that. But that wasn’t the worst part. It was the ache in his chest that refused to go away. The desperation he felt every time he smelled her scent. The way he kept looking up at the big house whenever he ran past, somehow hoping she’d see him.

And still not having the balls to go in to see her.

‘And is your brother pressing charges this time?’ Martin asked, referring to Adam’s fight with Everett. He hadn’t looked best pleased as Adam had described their confrontation – not that his reaction was very surprising. They’d been working on controlling Adam’s anger for months, and the first time he was riled, he’d given in to it again.

‘Not as far as I know. The police haven’t been down to see me.’

‘So that’s that then?’ Martin asked. ‘It’s all over, and everything’s back to normal?’

‘I guess.’ Adam’s stomach lurched. If this was normal, he hated it. Hated the silence in his cabin. Hated the way everything felt so empty. He felt constantly on edge without her.

Jesus Christ, he missed everything about her. And it didn’t seem to be getting any better.

‘Why haven’t you gone back to the house yet?’

Adam’s mouth tasted of regret. ‘I can’t face them,’ he said. ‘I ruined everything. I messed Christmas up.’ He couldn’t help but think of Jonas’s expression, his mother’s tears, the way his father had been so disappointed. ‘They don’t want me there.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because they haven’t come down to see me.’ Adam started to pull at a loose thread on the chair arm.

‘Maybe they’re giving you some space. You’re the one who walked out and told them to leave you alone,’ Martin pointed out. ‘Perhaps they’re feeling exactly the way you are. The fact Everett hasn’t called the cops seems like a good thing, doesn’t it?’

Adam shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

Martin was silent for a moment, though he continued to look at Adam. There was a soft wind outside, rattling the office windows. ‘Do you miss them?’ he finally asked.

Adam closed his eyes, feeling his chest ache again. It was becoming so familiar to him. ‘Yeah, I do.’ Well some of them anyway. Especially the girl who lit the cabin up whenever she walked into it. He missed her so much it was painful.

‘Maybe you should go see them.’

‘Maybe.’

Sensing a dead end to the conversation, Martin changed tack. ‘Are you going to involve your lawyers this time?’ he asked. ‘To stop the movie?’

Adam waited for the familiar anger to take hold of him at the mention of Everett’s plans. But there was nothing. ‘I couldn’t give a shit about the movie.’ Not quite true, but compared to everything else that had happened it had paled into insignificance.

Compared to her.

‘And have you heard from the girl?’ Martin asked. Could he read Adam’s mind on top of everything else?

‘From Kitty? Not a peep. Not that I expected to.’

Martin crossed his legs, tapping his pen against his lip. ‘Why not?’

‘Why would she want to hear from me?’ Adam was perplexed. ‘She saw me lose it in front of all my family. She saw what I was capable of.’ He couldn’t forget the expression on her face when she saw Everett’s nose bleeding. She looked disgusted.

‘And yet she still followed you out of the house, and tried to talk to you. Does that sound like the act of somebody who didn’t want to talk to you?’

‘I think she felt guilty,’ Adam admitted. ‘That it was her fault I went crazy. She was just trying to make amends.’ And he’d shaken her off like an annoying animal, never looking back at her as he almost ran back to the sanctuary of his cabin.

‘Why would she think it was her fault?’

‘Because she knew all about the movie.’ Adam’s stomach contracted just thinking about it. He took a mouthful of ice-cold water, but it did nothing to quell the ache in his gut.

‘She knew about it?’ Martin finally looked surprised. ‘Was she in on it like Lisa was?’

Placing the glass back down on the table beside him, Adam blew out a long mouthful of air. He hadn’t thought about Lisa for weeks. She’d been his assistant in Colombia, a friend with benefits, no more than that. And yet when she’d agreed to work on the movie with Everett it had felt like a betrayal.

But compared to Kitty, it was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

‘I’ve no idea,’ Adam said. But he couldn’t really believe it, in spite of the things he’d shouted. She was too kind, too open for that kind of subterfuge.

‘You didn’t ask her?’

Adam shook his head, trying to remember everything they said. The scene in the dining room felt like a half-forgotten dream. He could remember small sequences of events, but nothing quite clicked together. His head was doing a pretty damn good job of suppressing the bad memories. ‘She said something about knowing for a few days, but that was it. I didn’t let her say anything else, I was too furious with her.’

‘It sounds as though you may be more angry at her than you are at Everett,’ Martin reflected. ‘Why do you think that is?’

‘I’m not angry with her. I’m more angry at myself.’

‘Then what is it you’re feeling?’

If it didn’t hurt so much, Adam would have laughed at the question. What was he feeling? It was almost impossible to explain. It was as though his body had been pumped full of so many emotions he wasn’t sure which was which any more. Anger morphed into sadness, which quickly gave way to a sense of futility. And the pain, God the pain, it was almost too much to think about.

‘Hurt,’ he finally said, his voice quiet. ‘I feel so hurt. And I miss her.’ Christ, he really did.

‘You hurt because you miss her?’ Martin tried to clarify.

Adam leaned forward, his expression intent. ‘No, not just because I miss her. I hurt because I hurt her, too. Because I pushed her away, I didn’t give her a chance to tell me anything. I hurt because I’m not just the victim here, I’m the villain, too. And I hate myself for it.’

‘Isn’t that what we all are?’ Martin asked, his voice sympathetic. ‘The victims and villains of our own lives? We have to come to terms with the good and bad inside of us, accept that we’ll never be all one or the other. And if we acknowledge we have a bit of Beast as well as Beauty in there, maybe we can find a way for them both to live together.’

Adam frowned. ‘Did you just use a fairy-tale analogy on me?’ His lip twitched. He wanted to laugh but it seemed so damned inappropriate.

‘I might have.’

‘Jesus, you know how to hit a man when he’s down.’

This time Martin was the one to laugh. ‘I’m trying to make an important point here. The fact is we have to learn to live with the good and bad parts of ourselves, and that brings a certain peace to our lives. The panic and the anger and the destructiveness comes from when we try to fight against ourselves, where we try to cling on to a modicum of control when there really isn’t any there. Acceptance, it’s the key to everything.’

Adam listened to his words, absorbed them, even saw the sense in them. ‘So what should I do about Kitty? Do you think I should call her, apologise?’

Martin grinned. ‘I’m an anger-management therapist, not your girlfriend. This one’s all yours to figure out, my friend.’

 

When Adam pulled his truck into the driveway at the big house, Jonas was sitting on the doorstep, throwing a ball for the puppy. Every time the dog brought the ball back, Jonas petted him, making a fuss of him before throwing it again. Adam climbed out of the cab and stood back for a while, watching his nephew, taking in the dejected slant of his shoulders.

‘Hey.’ He sat on the step next to Jonas. ‘Did you give the dog a name?’

Jonas shrugged morosely. ‘Does it matter?’

Adam gently nudged him, shoulder to shoulder. ‘Of course it matters. Would you like to have no name? Names mean somebody loves you, that you belong. That when somebody calls you they want you.’

‘Clarence. That’s his name.’

The dog’s ears perked up.

‘After the angel? The one in It’s a Wonderful Life?’ Adam asked.

Jonas nodded, then threw the ball again.

‘That’s a great name.’ Adam clapped his hand on his nephew’s shoulder. ‘Clarence. A strong name, it’s perfect.’

The dog trotted over, the ball still in his mouth. As soon as he reached Jonas he let go of it, waiting expectantly until the boy picked it up and threw it again. Adam’s heart ached when he saw how half-hearted his nephew’s movements were.

‘It’s been a bad few days, huh?’ he said.

Another shrug. ‘I guess.’

‘Well I’m sorry for my part in it. I shouldn’t have shouted and I certainly shouldn’t have hurt your dad the way I did. I’d like to make it up to you if I can.’

‘How?’

Adam tipped his head to the side, looking at the boy. ‘Any way you like, you name the price. We can go sledding, we can go out somewhere on the Skidoo. I’ll watch any movie you want. What do you say?’

For some reason the kid’s face fell. ‘Oh.’

‘What is it?’ Adam leaned in closer. He may not have been the most intuitive man in the world, but there was something bugging Jonas so bad he could barely meet his eye. ‘Was it something I said?’

Jonas shook his head. ‘I thought you might bring her back.’

Adam was confused. ‘Who?’

‘Kitty.’

His stomach did a flip-flop. ‘What do you mean, bring her back? She’s here, isn’t she?’

For some reason Adam’s hands started to shake. Of course she was inside, where else would she be? Even if he couldn’t face talking to her right then, part of him still wanted to know she was OK.

‘She’s not here,’ Jonas said quietly. ‘She left two days ago. Dad said she was going home.’

‘To LA?’

‘I guess. Drake drove her to the airport. They didn’t let me say goodbye.’

Adam stood up abruptly, his mouth suddenly dry.

‘Is your dad in the house?’

Jonas’s eyes went wide. ‘In the library, I think. Are you going to hit him again?’

Adam shook his head. ‘I shouldn’t have done that, and no, I’m not going to do it again. I just want to talk to him. To say sorry.’

He almost surprised himself. He was going to apologise? What else was going on in the bottom of his mind?

‘Will you ask him to bring Kitty back?’ Jonas suddenly looked hopeful.

‘I can’t do that.’ He hated disappointing his nephew. ‘But she’s going to be OK, and so are you.’

He ruffled his nephew’s hair and walked up the steps to the front door, pushing it open and walking inside. The house was silent, making the sound of his boots against the wooden floor seem louder than ever. He looked around the hallway, taking in the decorations hanging desolately from the staircase, the tree lights not even turned on. Shaking his head, he headed for the library, rapping lightly on the door to alert them to his presence. Drake opened it, his eyes wide as he took Adam in. ‘Oh, it’s you.’

‘Who is it?’ That was Everett, his voice as loud as ever.

‘Ah, it’s your brother,’ Drake said, looking behind him.

The next moment Everett was wrenching the door wide open. ‘You can leave us for a minute,’ he said to Drake. The assistant almost ran up the hall to the kitchen, as though afraid he was going to get caught up in the violence.

‘You want to come in?’ Everett asked.

‘Sure.’ Adam followed his brother into the library, closing the door behind him. In the corner, on the main table, he could see pages of a script. His stomach lurched at the sight.

‘Where’s Mia?’ he asked, as much to fill the silence as anything else.

‘She’s gone to DC again.’ Everett looked down at his hands. ‘We’ve been having a few problems. She has a therapist there.’ Finally he looked up again. ‘She wants us to get a divorce.’

It was like being slapped around the face with a plank. ‘The therapist?’ Adam asked.

‘No, Mia.’

‘Jesus, I’m sorry.’ He really was. In spite of everything he still loved his brother. Even if that emotion was buried very deep, beneath all the bullshit he’d caused.

‘Yeah, well, things haven’t been great for a while. I just worry about Jonas, you know?’

Adam nodded. ‘Yeah, that poor kid’s been through enough.’

‘We both knew this trip was going to be kill or cure. I guess I was hoping to give him a final Christmas with all his family. One he could remember for the rest of his life.’ Everett’s laugh was humourless. ‘We all managed to mess that one up, too.’

‘There are more Christmases,’ Adam said, not certain why he felt the need to reassure him. ‘And family is what you make it.’

He leaned against the chair, rubbing his face with the heel of his hand. When he pulled it away, it took a moment to regain his focus. ‘Look, I’m sorry for hitting you. Especially in front of your son. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it.’

Everett’s mouth fell open. Whatever he was expecting, an apology wasn’t it. ‘You’re sorry?’

‘Yeah.’ Adam could feel his back stiffen. It wasn’t quite giving him the relief he’d expected.

‘OK.’ Everett slowly nodded his head. ‘OK. I kind of understand why you did.’

‘You do?’ It was Adam’s turn to be surprised.

‘I’m not happy you did it. God knows I tried to talk to you so many times over the past couple of weeks. To explain what was going on. But every time I opened my mouth you shot me down.’

‘Because you betrayed me,’ Adam pointed out, trying to swallow down the anger. ‘Because you wanted to tell my story and put people in danger on the way. Not to mention the fact you called the cops on me.’

Everett sighed, scratching the back of his neck. ‘Look, will you let me explain?’ He pointed to the easy chairs by the window. ‘Sit down, let’s talk. Finally.’

Adam stared at the chairs for a moment, weighing up the options. Was he ready to listen to his brother without resorting to his fists once again? Yeah, he thought he probably was. And maybe if he listened, he might find out more about Kitty, why she left, where she was, if she ever wanted to see him again.

‘OK,’ he said, clearing the distance to the chairs, as Everett picked the script up from the library table. ‘Let’s talk.’

 

‘Happy New Year, darling.’ Cesca engulfed Kitty in a hug. Her voice was loud enough to silence the coffee drinkers around them. ‘How are you doing?’ she asked, releasing her. ‘I bought us both a latte, I hope that’s OK. You haven’t gone all vegan or anything on me again, have you?’

‘Nope, milk is all good.’ Kitty sat down opposite her sister, lifting the cup to her lips, not bothering to point out it was already January. ‘I swear you’ll never let me forget that year I became a vegetarian.’

‘How could we let you forget?’ Cesca teased. ‘I came down to the kitchen at midnight and saw you stuffing five chipolatas into your mouth. Some vegetarian you turned out to be.’

‘It was your fault for leaving them out there,’ Kitty protested. ‘It was cruel, like leaving an open bottle of vodka in front of an alcoholic.’

‘Well I’m glad that particular phase only lasted a few months.’ Cesca looked her up and down. ‘Not that you look like you’ve been eating much of anything for a bit. How much weight have you lost?’

Kitty shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I’m not on a diet or anything.’ As if to emphasise her point, she took another sip of her full-fat latte. ‘I’m just not very hungry.’

‘No wonder, after everything you’ve been through. You should have seen us all on Christmas Day, we were fuming. Lucy and I spent most of the night trying to dream up ways of getting even with that horrible family. I can’t believe they sent you away, the bastards.’

Kitty sniffed. ‘It was my fault,’ she said quietly. ‘I got involved in things I shouldn’t have.’

‘You mean you got involved with a guy you shouldn’t have?’ Cesca corrected, rolling her eyes. ‘I’ve made Sam promise never to make a movie with any of those arsehole Kleins. I don’t know who they think they are, treating you like that.’

Kitty opened her mouth to protest that Adam wasn’t an arsehole, but really, what was the point? It didn’t matter if he was an arsehole or an angel, he wasn’t here and he didn’t want her.

‘I wish you’d flown back to London instead of coming here on Christmas Day,’ Cesca continued. ‘We tried Skypeing you and you didn’t answer. Lucy was all for flying over and dragging you back home.’

Kitty shook her head, her mouth feeling dry in spite of the coffee. ‘I wanted to be alone. So much had been going on, I needed a bit of silence to get my head straight.’

Cesca leaned her head to the side. ‘And is it straight now?’

‘Not really,’ Kitty confessed. ‘But it’s a little straighter than it was. I even managed to get a couple of assignments finished.’

When she wasn’t watching YouTube clips of Adam over and over again, she’d been holed up in the Young Research Library, or in the editing suite at school. Her enforced solitude may have been bad in some respects, but academically, it had been a huge step forward.

‘And what are your plans now?’ Cesca asked. They were both aware that Kitty’s future depended on an internship with a production company. And she’d all but shot that hope out of the water.

‘I’ve absolutely no idea,’ Kitty admitted. She hadn’t let herself think about that too much. She’d been too focused on getting through the day to consider the future. ‘I guess if I don’t get anything I’ll have to go home to London.’ She shook her head at that thought. It felt like defeat, having to fly back to a city she’d left behind with such high hopes. To return with her tail between her legs, and not much more than she left with – unless you counted a post-grad degree that had cost her more money than she cared to think about.

The door to the café opened up, letting in a fresh draught of warm air. The room went suddenly silent. Cesca turned around to see who it was, her face lighting up with recognition. ‘Sam, we’re over here.’

He walked over, pointedly ignoring the chattering girls and phone-camera-pointing women who were all following his progress. And no wonder, with his dark, Italian good looks, and movie-star presence, he drew eyes wherever he went. Kitty felt herself get embarrassed for Sam – she knew how much he hated the constant attention. If it was her, she’d probably become a hermit, hide away from it all. She had to give him credit for braving the inside of the café.

‘Happy New Year.’ He leaned down to give Kitty a kiss on the cheek, before kissing Cesca’s lips and ruffling her hair. ‘Have I missed anything?’

‘Not really, unless you’re keen on tales of woe,’ Kitty told him.

‘I love tales of woe, especially when I’m not involved in them.’ Sam shot her a smile. ‘So what gives? Have you heard from this douchebag or what?’

‘Sam!’ Cesca tapped him on the arm. ‘You can’t call the man she loves a douchebag.’

‘Hey, who said anything about a man I love,’ Kitty protested. ‘I didn’t say I loved him.’

‘Well, you’re certainly not indifferent to him,’ Cesca told her. ‘You’ve lost, what, eight or nine pounds in a week. You’re moping around as though the world’s about to end. And you’ve started to talk about moving back to London when we all know you’ve always dreamed of living here in LA.’

‘Sounds like somebody else I know,’ Sam said. ‘Didn’t you fly back to London and mope after we fell out?’

‘Yeah, but I had every right to,’ Cesca said, her voice playful. ‘You really were an asshole.’

‘An asshole you were in love with,’ Sam corrected.

‘Yeah, and that just proves my point.’ Cesca looked back at Kitty. ‘You don’t react this way about someone who just sparks a bit of interest. I should know. Remember how I told you it was all over and he meant nothing to me?’

‘Lies, all lies.’ Sam smiled, a dimple forming in his cheek. ‘We all know it was love at first sight for you, babe.’

‘I don’t think so. More like hate at first sight.’

He slung his arm casually across the back of Cesca’s chair. Everybody was still staring at him. ‘There’s a thin line between hate and love.’

‘Yep,’ Cesca agreed. ‘And I think Kitty and Adam crossed it a long time ago.’ She caught Sam’s gaze, the two of them smiling at each other. The warmth between them made Kitty’s heart ache.

‘I am here, by the way,’ Kitty said, ‘before you two go all lovey-dovey and forget about me.’

‘We wouldn’t forget about you.’ Cesca turned to look at her. ‘Now let’s get back to this internship. Are you still waiting on any replies?’

Kitty thought back to the ever-growing pile of rejection letters. She’d added another two this morning. ‘A couple,’ she said, ‘but I’m not holding my hopes up.’

‘Then you’ll have to let Sam help you.’

Sam nodded encouragingly. He was pretty much at the height of his fame – a word in the right ear could secure her a position in a second.

But no. She didn’t want that at all.

‘I want to make it on my own merit,’ Kitty told them. ‘Not because Sam puts in a good word, or knows somebody who knows somebody. I want to be employed because I’m good enough.’

‘You are good enough,’ Cesca said gently. ‘But sometimes you need a helping hand.’

Kitty looked at them both for a moment, taking them in. Her beautiful, talented sister, and the gorgeous man she was in love with. They were like a fairy-tale couple, no wonder they were constantly followed by the paparazzi. A photograph of the two of them together was a sure-fire seller for the gossip rags.

‘You’re both very lovely,’ she began, screwing her face up to find the right words, ‘and it’s wonderful to know that you’ve got my back. But this is my mess and it’s my life, and I want to be the one to clear it up. I’ll go and see my supervisor on Monday and ask him for his help in finding an internship. OK?’

‘Are you sure?’ Cesca asked. She looked desperate to help.

Kitty nodded, feeling more resolute than she had in a long time. ‘I’m sure,’ she told her, a tentative smile creeping across her face. ‘Try not to worry about me. I’ve got this.’

And maybe if she said it enough, she might even start to believe it.