I spend a ridiculous amount of time at the gym to make up for the fact that I’m not seeing Alexa. It’s a poor substitute, but otherwise I’d just be sitting at home, pissed at myself. I know I hurt her again, and I hate myself for it. I just don’t know how to get past the disgust I felt when I held her with someone else’s blood drying on my hands.

I still manage to make it out to happy hours with Carlos. I hate to admit it, but Hunter was right; it is nice having someone to talk to, to not hole myself up in my apartment when I’m not working. Regardless of whatever else is going on in my personal life, I don’t want to turn back into the guy Hunter took off of cases.

Still, I feel this unrelenting pull toward Alexa. I want to call her, figure out some way to make it right, but thinking I’ve fucked things up for good is better than knowing for sure. It’s the only thing that keeps me from picking up the phone twenty times a day.

I miss her so much it aches.

I shove my clothes into my duffel after a long, exhausting workout.

Hunter appears in the doorway as I’m towel-drying my hair. The team is going out to celebrate a huge new contract that Hunter reeled in, doing security for a new movie that starts shooting downtown in a few weeks.

Hunter has this shit-eating grin on his face non-stop now, which is probably one of the benefits to still being in your honeymoon phase.

It irritates me.

“You coming with us?” he asks, like he’s daring me to say no. The challenge in his voice makes me want to.

“Yeah.”

Hunter smiles. “I’m glad. It wouldn’t look good if you didn’t show up to the party when you’re leading the team.”

Wait…what?

“I’m…” I’m speechless is what I am.

“Yeah. Team lead.” He steps in and claps me on the shoulder. “I know you’ve been working on what we talked about, and I wanted you to know that it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’ve seen you with the new guys, mentoring them, showing them the ins and outs. You’ve gotten out of your own head, which is what I’ve been trying to get you to do for a while now.”

“Thanks,” I tell him, glad that he’s noticing that after my initial stubbornness, I have been serious about doing what he’s asked of me.

Hunter nods.

He’s still giving me this appraising look, like there’s more he wants to say but he’s waiting for me to ask. I figure Hayley’s filled him in on what’s going on (or…not going on) between me and Alexa, and he wants to give me a piece of his mind on hurting his wife’s best friend.

“I guess I’m in for a lecture?” I say, tossing the towel in the hamper.

“What would I lecture you about?”

“C’mon,” I say, not really wanting to bring this up, but desperate to get it out of the way because I know it’s coming. “Surely your wife has filled you in.”

He laughs. “She has. And there are no lectures here.”

I narrow my eyes, not believing him.

He holds up his hands. “Seriously. What was it you said to me last year? That there are clients who stick?”

Yeah, I’d said that. Sometimes a client comes around that you can’t get out of your mind once the job is done. A five year-old who thanks you for saving her father, a woman whose husband is home safe because you were willing to put your body on the line to keep him breathing. Then there’s Alexa, who was in a class all by herself. A person I felt an instant connection with, a connection that I’d wanted to keep, that I’d been unable to shake no matter how hard I tried.

I still can’t.

Hunter continues. “The ones like Alexa and Hayley are the worst, because you look at them and think…this could be it for me. The rest of your life is scary, and I get it. I know you struggle with what we do here, and you have to deal with your own shit on your own terms. I didn’t take you off of the quote/unquote big cases so you’d get a girlfriend. I took you off so you’d get a life. I thought if the jobs weren’t as appealing, you’d stop working yourself to death. And you did get a life, no matter who you do or don’t share it with. So, no lectures.”

I take a deep breath. “Thanks.”

“A bit of advice that is in no way a lecture though?”

I knew it was too good to be true. “Sure.”

“There’s a price to be paid so that people can sleep soundly at night. That’s why this business exists. We’re willing to pay that price, or else we wouldn’t be here. It’s hard, doing what has to be done, but we do it the right way. If someone’s in danger, I want to be there, I want to be the one handling it. Whether it’s Hayley or anyone else who needs help. I know you feel the same way, and that’s why we do what we do. There’s no shame in it, Jesse.”

I look down at my still-healing knuckles, trying to make myself absorb what he says. My life would be so much easier if I could just get this through my thick skull.

“I’ll take that under advisement.”

“Good,” he replies with a smile. “C’mon. I’ll let you buy me a beer.”

“Wanna know what I think about this whole Alexa situation?” Carlos asks with one eye squinted shut as he aims his dart. We’re hanging out in his basement, and the football game that’s on in the background is a complete rout.

“No,” I say, leaning against his pool table. “But I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“That shit you tell yourself about not deserving love because of what you do?” He puts air quotes around deserving, annoying me already.

“What about it?”

“It’s bullshit you use as an excuse because you’re scared.”

Hunter said something similar the other night. “Scared of what?”

“Commitment. Love. Whatever. I’ve known you for five years and you’ve always kept things casual. I see a girl once and then I never see her again.”

Feeling defensive, I say, “You aren’t exactly reeling them in.”

Carlos lets the dart fly, nicking a hole in his drywall. Serves him right.

“You threw me off my game. You’re patching it up,” he says, giving me a dirty look.

I shrug.

“I might not be reeling them in, but the difference between me and you is that I try. I fail a lot, sure. But I try.”

I can’t help but laugh at the honesty. And after I stop laughing, I’m left wondering if Carlos is right. I think about all the girlfriends I’ve had throughout the years, and all of them were short term. The minute anyone wanted commitment from me, I felt suffocated and broke it off.

It’s different with Alexa. If anything, I want to be with her all the time, probably more than I should. I’ve wanted that since the moment I met her. She doesn’t make me feel suffocated, she just makes me happy.

I didn’t want to admit it the other night, but Hunter was right. I think she could be the rest of my life. For a guy who doesn’t have much to base forever on, its…

Terrifying.

Carlos snaps his fingers in front of my face.

“Hey,” he says loudly. “You look like you’ve had about ten revelations.”

I straighten up, pick up a dart and send it flying directly toward the bullseye.

Nailed it.

“Damn, I can’t even beat you when I drop some life truth on you. I’m right, aren’t I?”

I think he is, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction yet. I walk over to the board and grab the darts. “Let’s play another round.”

“One more truth bomb.”

I look at him, then take a shot. I miss.

“You can’t keep jerking this girl around, man. If you really don’t want her, leave it be. If you do want her, this is the last time you can run…if she’ll even take you back now.

Alexa and I aren’t together right now, and that was my choice. But the thought that I might’ve fucked it up for good makes my chest ache.

“Take the shot,” I say, nodding toward the board.

I think I need to take a shot, too.