It wasn’t until three days later that Mallory finally said more than three words to me at a time.

He’d been working a lot—using it as an excuse, I thought, but I’d let him have it. He needed time to work out what had happened between us; I understood that. Mallory was a reserved person who liked to deal with things in a similar way that I did: alone.

But still when he’d come home, he’d smiled at me, kissed me on the mouth, and let me come with him into his workshop.

I couldn’t exactly blame Mallory for the silence or uneasiness between us. I hadn’t tried to talk to him about what had happened either. The morning after, when we’d woken up entwined with one another, we’d smiled and left to shower separately. It had made my heart ache.

Time.

That was what I thought Mallory needed. He needed a bit of time and a bit of space to go over things. This was fresh and new for both of us, maybe him more than me.

I could be patient.

I could wait.

For Mallory, I could wait a lifetime.

“Danny wants to Skype with us,” Mallory said, rolling his eyes.

We’d just finished a late dinner, since he’d had to work late and I’d decided to wait for him since my appetite seemed to be missing the past few days. Dinner had been quiet. Everything was quiet lately.

Mallory put his laptop on the kitchen table and pulled up another chair. I sat down and waited for the call to Danny to go through.

Within a few seconds, Danny’s face appeared on the monitor, smiling, carefree as always. The sight of him brought a small smile to my face.

“Hey, losers,” Danny said, waving to the camera. “How’s the Great White North?”

Mallory sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. It was a strange action for him, and I thought I could tell by Danny’s expression that he noticed it too. Mallory usually found his son’s good humor amusing. But in that moment, he looked anything but.

“Hey, Son,” Mallory said solemnly.

“Hey, Danny,” I added. “How’s school?”

Danny shrugged. “Hard. And a lot less fun without your mopey ass here. I miss watching you roll your eyes at me. How weird is that?”

“Not that weird. I’m your only real friend.”

“Bullshit. When are you coming back? Spring Break is coming up and I was thinking Florida. Hot girls for me. Ripped dudes for you. You can’t say no.”

I snorted. “No.”

He groaned. “But seriously, when are you coming back?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Mallory cut me off. “Probably soon. Archer’s doctor said he’s good to return whenever.”

“What?” My gaze snapped to Mallory.

For a moment, he wouldn’t turn to look at me. And then, eventually, when he did, his expression looked… off. “Sorry, Archer. I know this isn’t the best time to talk about it. But I didn’t think you’d want to miss another semester if you can go back soon.”

A sense of dread swept through me. When it came, it stole my ability to say anything at all.

“Uh,” Danny said. “Well, that’s awesome, Ace. Tell me when, and I’ll pick you up from the airport. Dad, what’s new with you? How’s the love life? Still seeing that woman from the last time I was there?”

Mallory sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face but said nothing.

Danny asked, “What’s up with you two?”

Pulling my gaze away from his father, I turned to look at Danny. He looked completely lost.

“Sorry,” I said to him.

“Danny,” Mallory said suddenly—roughly. “Now’s not a good time. Can I call you later?”

“Uh, I guess. Sure.”

Immediately, Mallory snapped the laptop closed. He sprang up from his seat, walked into the living room, and crouched down in front of the fireplace.

Heart threatening to burst out of my chest, I followed him. I stood at his back as he tossed dry paper into the firebox, lit a match, and tossed it inside.

When he stood, I touched his shoulder, unspeakably thankful when he didn’t flinch.

“I’ll stay,” I said softly.

He turned quickly, taking my hand from his shoulder and pressing the knuckles gently against his cheek. “You can’t.”

“Yes, I can. I will. Just tell me you want me to stay.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You know why not, Archer.”

My throat began to dry. My hands began to shake. “Don’t do this.”

“I can’t give you what you’re asking for. Please don’t ask me to. I don’t want to say no to you.”

“Don’t tell me you regret what happened,” I quietly begged.

“I won’t.”

“And don’t tell me you don’t feel anything for me.”

“I won’t tell you that either. I won’t lie to you, but I can’t do this.”

“Why?”

He sighed, dropping my hand and tipping his chin back to look up at the ceiling. “There are a million and one reasons why.”

“Because I’m a man? Because I’m younger than you? Because I’m your son’s best friend?”

“Yes, Archer.”

“For all those reasons, but not because you don’t care about me.”

“Yes.”

“That’s not fair.”

“None of this is fair,” Mallory snapped. “It’s not fair that you lost your parents and I lost my wife. It’s not fair that the only solace either of us has found in years is with each other. That’s not fucking fair.”

“At least we found something. At least we found some blossom of happiness.”

“It can’t last, and you can’t stay here.”

“Because you’re afraid,” I accused.

“That’s right.”

“What are you afraid of?”

He threw his hands up. “Everything. Hurting my son. Hurting you.”

“Danny would understand.”

Mallory laughed without humor. “His father and his best friend? Together? You think he’d just accept that?”

“He wants us both to be happy, so yeah, I do.”

“He’d think we were both feeding off of each other’s depression.”

“Is that what you think we’re doing?”

Mallory stared at me, silent.

“Christ!” I yelled. “That’s what you think this is. You don’t think these feelings are real. You think we’re just… what? Lonely?”

He shrugged, his face hard. “I don’t know.”

“Aren’t you happy when I’m around?”

His expression instantly fell. “You know that I am.”

“I want to stay here. I want to try.”

Unfairly, he pulled me into his arms. And because Mallory was the shoreline and I was the waves in the sea, gravity took hold and I was dragged into his arms.

He pressed his lips against my hair and squeezed me tightly. “You’re so damn young, Archer. And so damn beautiful. And you have an entire lifetime to live away from here, away from me.”

My eyes began to itch. “I don’t want a lifetime away from you.”

“What are you going to do? Stay here? Drop out of school? Give up your dreams of enlisting in the academy? Give up on the one thing you’ve wanted to do your whole life—the one thing that you know you love so damn much?”

The tone of his voice almost broke me. But it was the truth in his words that were my undoing.

I shoved him away from me. “I could make it work somehow. I can go to school around here. Plans can change, Mallory.”

“I know that. But they can’t change to be with me. You can’t give up the things you want in life, and I don’t have a clue what I’d say to my son. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for any of this.”

“Don’t give me some bullshit excuse about pushing me away because you know what’s best for me.”

“I’m not. I think this is best for me too. But you’ll find someone else,” he said softly. “But it can’t be me. It isn’t me. You’re my son’s best friend, and you’re so damn young. And yes—I’m weak and I’m afraid and I’m selfish. And you’re strong and—”

Instantly, I cut him off, stopping him from saying the words to me he could never take back. “Don’t, Mallory.”

He sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging. “Because you’re still mourning the loss of your father.”

“That isn’t what this is.” All emotion drained from my voice.

Mallory smiled at me sadly. “I think it is.”

“The way I feel about you has nothing to do with losing my father, and fuck you for even suggesting it.”

“I’m sorry, Archer,” was all he said.

We stood two feet apart but worlds away.

Honestly, I said to him, “I won’t forgive you, Mallory. Not if you push me away.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“Then I’ll book my flight tonight and fly out tomorrow morning.”

“I can drive you to the airport.”

“I’ll call a cab to the city and catch the shuttle.”

I turned to leave but stopped right before turning the corner down the hallway.

“You don’t think what we feel towards each other is worth taking a chance on?” I asked.

He paused briefly. I watched a hundred expressions flicker across his face. And then, “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

That was all it took to break my heart. A two-letter word. Not a death in the family, not a sibling disowning me.

A two-letter word from the man I loved.

---

I woke early the next morning with a sickness pooling in the pit of my stomach.

After returning to my own room that evening, I’d booked the earliest flight back home, the shuttle to the airport, and the taxi to pick me up at the crack of dawn. Unable to sleep, I’d packed all my things and showered.

Now as I walked down the stairs, I ran my fingers against the wood finish of the railing, wondering if it would be the last time I’d ever feel it.

I left my suitcases at the bottom of the stairs and went into the living room, knowing that Mallory would still be there from the night before.

He sat on the sofa, drink in hand, staring at the fire that could be smelled throughout the house. Dark crescents lingered under his eyes, but the line of his mouth was taut and his face, expressionless.

I knew he heard me when I walked into the room, but in true Mallory fashion, he only continued to stare at the fire.

“I’m leaving,” I said, finding that they were some of the most difficult words I’d ever spoken.

Mallory drained his glass, set it down, and stood.

I wondered for a moment if he’d come to me or kiss me goodbye. I knew he’d never ask me to stay, but I didn’t think my heart could handle the feel of his skin even one more time.

“Thank you,” I said, something catching in my throat. “For letting me stay here. For everything.”

The cool expression on his face fell, morphing into one of unreserved sorrow. “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

Outside a car honked.

“My taxi,” I told him with a tip of my head toward the front door.

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I hope you find happiness, Archer.”

“I did, with you.”

That had the effect I hoped it would. He tilted his head back toward the ceiling and ran one of his hands over his face. If I hadn’t been watching for it, I might’ve missed the slight tremble of his fingers.

I picked up my duffle bag, slung it over my good shoulder, and hoped my voice wouldn’t crack when next I spoke.

“We can’t keep loving ghosts, Mallory.”

And for the last time, his eyes met mine. “It’s not that easy, Archer.”

“Well, I guess we’re both about to find out if it’s any easier loving one more.”

---

With those few words, I left.